This clearly isn't a typical break-up, so what do I do?

Luckily my work hour wasn’t as terrible as planned. I decided to get all dolled up, look really pretty, and give myself a confidence boost. I caught his eye a couple of times in the hour I was there, and his face just completely lit up. He looked so happy to see me, and just kept sheepishly saying hi. I kind of nodded back to him, but spent most of my time on my phone or iPod. We work at a restaurant and he was expoing (bringing food from the kitchen to tables, making sure it’s presentable for customers, in case you don’t know) and he kept walking past me to deliver things. This probably isn’t a huge deal in and of itself, save for the fact that our restaurant is designed so that he could have completely ignored me and avoided me the entire time if he’d wanted to. One of my other friends got there early and had to clock on, so we sat and talked while we waited. He came and said goodbye, addressing both of us but standing really close to me and staring at me grinning. It was really bizarre, but flattering.

Only follow-up after that was that he sent me a text message about twenty minutes after he left, asking me if I’d give his number to one of the dishwashers who needed it. We also had a ton of new staff on last night, one of whom was another new hostess. She told me she’d been there the past couple nights so she wasn’t brand new, but she was still learning the ropes. Somehow, the two of us and one other girl got on the subject of my ex and I (everyone at the restaurant knows what’s going on and how dumb he’s being) and she told me that she’d actually shadowed my ex and he’d trained her last night. And apparently he referred to me as his girlfriend! I mean, I think that’s really weird considering I have heard nothing of the sort and this hasn’t been run by me, but it seems like a really good sign to me otherwise!

I kind of started thinking the same thing earlier, actually, doubting myself a bit. I was thinking, “Maybe he just said that out of habit?” or “Maybe he just doesn’t know how else to explain it?” However, the more I thought about it, the less that makes sense. No one is just accidentally going to call someone their girlfriend if they’re not, especially if that person is the one who did the breaking up. He was literally just training this new girl too, so there’s really no reason he even had to bring me/us up if he didn’t want to. It doesn’t relate to work at all, considering neither one of us has ever let it get in the way of us doing our work. She also has a boyfriend, so it’s not like he had to say something to fend her off or make sure she doesn’t end up liking him or whatever. I don’t know. I think he misses me and he wants me and he knows what he wants. He just has yet to man up and talk to me. You don’t call someone your girlfriend for nothing.

My friends have said that his answer about why he stayed two extra days sounds made up. He can be as dedicated to his job as he wants and feel that sense of obligation, which I know he does, but at the end of the day it still meant two extra days of work at a job he hates and a trip home of only one FULL day. Seeing as he switches over to his other position in the company in a week or two, that seems even crazier to me than it did when I originally thought about it. I truly believe that when he agreed a couple of weeks ago that he’d work those two days, that I was at least somewhat on his mind. Obligation may be there, but I feel it in my gut that he wanted that possibility or wanted me to come, but he ultimately never found the strength or insight to ask.

I keep trying to believe that he really did want me there/does want me there, but he’s still just not at a place where he feels like it’s his place to ask or where he feels like that’s an okay step in our relationship. I know his parents have no idea he’s been contacting me, trying to take care of me, etc. because if they did and he wasn’t dating me, they’d be upset with him. I can only assume his fear of bringing it up with me or committing to that, as well as having to address things with his parents, meant that these plans never got anywhere.

All of this being said, do I sound crazy? Do I sound like I’m making this up and being delusional that he cares? I fear that so much. I see so many people on this site that are kidding themselves into thinking that they still have a shot, and I don’t want to be that person. I know one trip doesn’t make or break anything, I know how he’s acted up until now, and I know he called me his girlfriend. What I don’t know is if I’m totally off base in my thinking, or where to go from here. Will NC still work? Do I still have a shot? I sound so desperate and stupid but PLEASE, someone talk to me. I just need to bounce thoughts or ideas off people.

I’m trying. There’s nothing I can do now either way. And I knew this could potentially happen. I just thought he’d actually do something about it, for whatever reason. I genuinely did. And now I don’t know whether to take this as something that should’ve been expected or as a huge letdown and something that tells me to give up? In the grand scheme of things, like I said, there are a lot of reasons he may not have asked me to go or may have acted the way he did. But that’s what I keep wondering and wishing someone could tell me.

Does he still love me though? Hah. I guess that’s the real question that this last question answers. Is this a set back that tells me he doesn’t care and I need to give up because of that? I still just don’t see him actually driving me home, answering my phone call or texts that late when he’s that tired and pissed off from work (he had THE WORST day yesterday and I couldn’t believe he was willing to put up with me at night), or talking about me, his “girlfriend”, to one of our coworkers if things weren’t going somewhere. But I guess I could be living in a state of delusion too. Just wanting to see things that way or wanting to feel like this whole incident, what I did, and him not asking me doesn’t mean it’s over.

I appreciate the thoughts and the feedback. I’m not looking for another guy, however. At the moment, I’m trying to work on this potential, as I don’t feel like we’ve hit the point that we’re a lost cause. I know he’s not treating me appropriately, though part of that is because I’m letting him have everything he wants with no consequences. I guess I just have to actually give NC a genuine try, and see if that works. Everyone seems to think it will, so I guess fingers crossed there. Deep down, I’m certain he knows he wants me. He just doesn’t have any incentive to admit he was wrong and he’s sorry or make the effort to patch this up if I let him have all the same things but without a title or consequences. And the consequences are going to have to be NC, I guess.

“I dont think nc fits your situation, normally I would never say that.” Up until yesterday, when I completely let my feelings get the better of me, I agreed with this. Hell, I think I still do for the most part. I think that LC is potentially a much better option, as long as I have boundaries for myself. I can respond to his calls or texts. I can accept (or reject!) offers of plans, favors, rides to/from work, etc. I just shouldn’t initiate anything at this point, I shouldn’t always accept plans, I should never respond immediately, and I should set clear boundaries sexually. Of course, it feels this way to me but I don’t know if I’m justifying LC because some part of me probably wants to be able to answer him or because he genuinely doesn’t seem to respond well to being ignored or because both. I’m biased, so I may be out of line. Plenty of people have told me NC, plenty have told me LC. I don’t know what’s right.

“But you must for your sake stop sleeping with him until there is clear definition are you are couple or not.” Agreed. I won’t say he has “no incentive” to think about things if I sleep with him because our relationship is about more than sex and he clearly cares for me, but it doesn’t give him more incentive if I do. So it’s done.

“What seems to be the issue is defining what you both want from this relationship, fitting those needs together and finding a compromise and it feels a bit that you are not sitting down to discuss that.” This is pretty on point. We’ve had numerous little discussions but they all get spaced out with weeks or days in between then, we overthink a ton, and then have trouble expressing what we are thinking because we’re afraid of rejection or upsetting the other person. Last we left it, he kept saying he didn’t know what he wanted and was way too in his head. He randomly blurted out that he wanted to single in the middle of that, but I think that was an impulse answer. If you don’t know, you don’t know, and 5 minutes of freaking out isn’t going to clarify anything for you. Since then, I’ve heard the “girlfriend” story and seen more clear evidence in person that he cares for me, maybe even still loves me. There just hasn’t really been much time for either of us to be on our own and think, to really have limited contact, or to meet up and talk since that all happened and was brought to my attention. I guess I just need to make time when he gets back somehow.

Thank you for your insight! It was wonderful! I’ll keep an eye out for a post later.