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Posts
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Like I said, I’ll be on here sooner or later upset about something with my ex! It is all natural, but just remember that I suffered for 7 months (when I mean suffered, I mean suffered) over someone that I shared 3 years with who happened to be my first everything. Now I’m at this level and I know I will have my breakdowns and crying sessions once it a while, but I won’t crack and contact him and I will keep my distance until I am moved on and then maybe something may work out. Trust me, it gets so much easier and I basically just officially ended my relationship like 4 days ago.
I just had a thought… What if he actually does end up inviting me to the concert this weekend? What do I do then?
You thank him for the invite and politely decline because of NC. I would make plans with someone else so that you won’t just not have anything to do, and that way you can keep your mind distracted with something for at least a little while
I’m sorry if I came across as rude or unhelpful, but I do think that these are things you need to hear/consider at this point. I have been in your place many many times (not with my current guy, but with at least 3 exes in the past). I know what I’m talking about, unfortunately.
I know that you don’t want to go NC, and I read where you work with him on the weekends, and I know that its easy for us to sit here and judge and tell you that this is bad, and that its easy for you to put up defenses and tell us that we just don’t understand – as I said, I’ve been there. I know that you don’t want to lose him, and I know that for every shitty thing he is doing to you, he is also being nice and showing you affection. The truth is that yeah, he probably does still care about you, but as someone mentioned (I don’t remember who, sorry!) at this point its not really enough to make it serious/official/whatever. He knows that by being kind of sweet, or half there – so to speak – you will continue to do nice things for him and sleep with him, and he has to put in almost zero effort. Does this make sense?
As I said, I’ve been there. I kept thinking “this sucks but soon he’ll realize that he loves me and we’ll be back to being a couple” — guess what never ever happened. Now those guys aren’t your guy, yeah that’s true. I was in college with them and I also said, well I’m going to see them all of the time, or didn’t see a point because they would often get mad at me if I did anything like no contact. I thought at first that it was because they missed me or actually cared, but then I realized that they were just mad because they were not longer getting to use me. Its terrible, and again I know how hard this is and how much it sucks, I am only trying to help, and I do really think you need to hear this, and actually listen to what we are all saying. It may take time before you are able to do that, but at least these posts will still be there when you do.
So what did I do with those guys? Well I hit rock bottom in terms of self worth, anxiety, and was so unhappy it was ridiculous, that I realized I had to pick myself up and FINALLY take care of me. They got pissed, they harassed me, one even showed up at my apartment yelling a few times, which was ridiculous. They continued to try to tell me that they cared about me, but if they really cared about me, they wouldn’t do just the bare minimum to get me into bed, you know? They would do everything they could to show me that they care, and to be there for me, and THEY WOULDN’T PLAY MIND GAMES WITH ME. That is key. I went full no contact, and you know what? every single one of them came crawling back apologizing and begging for me back. For some it took a few months, one it took a year, but every single one did.
My point in telling you this is that I know you feel like you have no options, because, well, he’s kind of backed you into a corner, which is pretty lame on his part. If you want something to change, you’re going to have to initiate it yourself – either by having the talk about this progressing into a relationship (no labels, whatever) again, but, while this is tough, you also need to be prepared that he might not want to be in a relationship, and it has nothing to do with you, but he might not be in that place, in which case you have to decide if getting hurt and feeling the way you do is worth it, or if it is time to move on.
I’m sorry all that happened to you @Hanna Nelson 🙁 but I am proud of you for making a change!! I completely agree with your point of view!
Thank you @ellie96! Lots of hard lessons learned haha
Hanna’s right, and it’s so hard to put yourself in a position where it’s either things move forwards, or they stop. But what I noticed in what she said is that a lot of my friends have said the same thing (even though I find it one of the hardest things to believe): it may take a few months or a couple of months, but they always come back. I still don’t fully believe that in all honesty, but the more I hear/see it, the more it starts to take effect.
I’m not trying to use this as a way to blow off the idea of NC, but do they REALLY always come back? I mean, I understand that at the point he could, I may not even want him anymore. But I kind of fail to believe that they ALWAYS come back if you blow them off and ignore them. That doesn’t really make sense.
I mean if you see him from time to time, act nonchalant and cordial and treat them like an acquaintance you haven’t seen in a while. You don’t have to straight up ignore him. If he texts you, maybe say “I actually have plans right now (or whenever), maybe some other time?” and then leave it at that. You don’t have to continue all of that past the 30 days. After that you can talk to them a little bit more, but still treat them like an acquaintance.
In terms of if they always come back, I find that really hard to believe, because that’s actually what I’m going through with my ex right now. I want her to come back, and I don’t think she will, but people keep telling me that she will eventually. So I guess it’s one of those things to take a leap of faith on because even @Ellie96 and my best friend told me this: You can’t tell the future and you have no idea what will happen. @Hanna Nelson and my best friend have also said pretty much all of their exes have come back at some point. So I guess you and I can help each other take that leap of faith
One of my classes got cancelled, so I walked across the street to this frozen yogurt place. I know my ex has been there a couple times recently, but he finally got internet at his apartment, so I assumed he’d stop frequenting the place for their wi-fi. NOPE. He and his friend were there, across the room when I entered. I immediately saw them, looked away, and pretended I hadn’t seen them and was just casually getting frozen yogurt. I picked out my toppings, waited in line, paid, and then left. The only thing I did was glance at him out of the corner of my eye/my peripherals right as I walked through the door and back out onto the street. Of course, ten minutes later, he texts and says, “You didn’t say hi!”
I’m at a loss with this kid. Why on earth would he care? I didn’t even think he saw me or at a minimum, I didn’t think either one of them saw me see them.
He cares because he wants you in his life, he just doesn’t know if he wants commitment. I think you did well by not going up to him or saying hi, etc. I think this will also show him you’re serious about moving forward and he needs to figure his stuff out fast if he wants you in his life.
I’m just trying to take care of myself today, breathe, and realize that he has to be thinking of me to some extent and the only way he’s going to be thinking of me in a “I miss her” or “We need to get back together” sense is if I just let him be. Today hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t been impossible either. One step at a time. I’m just trying to be confident that he clearly cares about me.
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