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After a lot of chaos and two and a half weeks of being broken up but trying to figure out the move, he’s finally moved out. It was fairly drama-free, other than me obviously being upset despite knowing we were making the right decision. He got all of his things out, was sweet enough to check in and see how I was doing, gave me some hugs, and even offered to drive me to work. We worked together Friday night and all day Saturday, and he was fairly cordial and nice. Nothing too extreme in one direction or another, other than he had a really bad day Saturday and appeared to be kind of butthurt that I asked him for a ride at the last minute (for clarification, this was because he told me the night before to text him if I needed one, I tried to make other plans, it fell through, and I’m pretty sure he wished he’d been asked first instead of last).
We’d talked about potentially making plans to go on a hike (and maybe see a movie, but that hasn’t come up yet) this week, so I took charge and texted him via online app on Sunday night to ask if we might push our hike back to the next afternoon instead of the morning. My phone got water damaged this weekend, so I haven’t been able to be in contact outside of using that app when I’m on my computer. He told me he’d made plans to play tennis Monday afternoon, but asked me about this morning. Long story short, our conversation went back and forth like this (he used to have the same phone I currently have)…
He sent me a text at 11:07, just a couple minutes after I went into my meeting with the case worker. I came home, checked it, and he said “How about around 9?” At 12:31, I responded, “9 works great. Just let me know where to meet you!” He immediately said, “I’ll pick you up! I had an idea about your phone. I can give you the battery out of my old one?” I was in class, so I didn’t see it right away by I responded, “That’d be really nice. Do you think that will work?” Again, instantly he says, “We can try it out!” and then “I just have to find my old phone…” He totally doesn’t realize it’s at my apartment, so I could do that anyways. I replied at like 3:30, “Do you not know where it is? I’m scared even a different battery won’t help, and I’ll have to get a new one…” Instantly, he says, “If that’s the case you can just use my old phone!” and then “I’m just not sure where it ended up in the move…” I messed up and didn’t just accept his help/politeness like my counselor said would be best, given how he takes rejection, and said, “I don’t want to take it from you! You might need it.”
After all of this, he gets here at 9:15 and apologizes for being late. He told me he woke up at 8:30, looked up his phone, and just planned to wake up for a minute and then get out of bed. Turns out, he accidentally fell back asleep, woke up, it was 9:05, he freaked out and texted my cell phone because he was panicked and forgot it’s dead, and then drove right over here. Didn’t eat breakfast or anything.
He told me first thing that he had searched everywhere and wasn’t finding the phone, and wanted to try looking in a basket that got left behind here. He found nothing, so we just decided to go and he told me he’d look more when he got home and text his mom to see if she might’ve set it anywhere. So we got in the car, drove the couple of miles to the head of the trail, and talked most of the way there.
We got to the trail and there’s a ton of different paths so he told me which one he thought we should talk, I’ve never been, so I left it up to him. We pretty much just hiked then for about an hour and a half. It was all uphill and I was definitely behind him a fair amount. He’d stop every once in awhile though to give me a break or to ask how I was doing, even though I told him he didn’t need to wait for me. He also talked some about his band and things that were going on in his life, etc. Nothing major, but enough talk that it was nice to hear stuff from him. He told me a couple of times during the REALLY steep parts that I was a champ and I was doing great. Like I said, this pretty much continued for a long time and FINALLY we made the top. There’s like a guest book thing up there and he showed me where him and Spencer had signed in like a week ago, I wrote a note saying I felt victorious and put our names, and just sat in the sun for a bit while he ate some japanese candy he really likes that I’d given him. Then we started to head down.
We took a different path down, one that went through this forested area. It was super steep at the end and then pretty flat for most of the beginning, but much longer than the trail we took. We talked a little here and there, kind of ran together down the hills, and that was really it. At one point, he had to stop to get a rock out of his shoe and when he squatted down to take his shoe off, he leaned and put his hand on my foot to steady himself, instead of the ground. Then I hit my foot at one point and he stopped to ask if I was okay. The hike down took way less time and we still didn’t talk much, but we made it back to the car.
In the car, he talked about trying to find the phone again and told me what time it was and asked me what my plans for the rest of the day were. I lied and told him my math class at 1 got cancelled because he told me he’d just planned on eating breakfast when he got back, and I thought maybe he’d invite me. He didn’t. I asked him and he said the two of them might go play tennis again and he had late night band practice. I wanted to asked if he had time to squeeze a movie in there somewhere or sometime this week, but I skipped it. I felt like I was probably already acting so dumb and desperate. We finally got back to my house and he told me he’d text me if he found the phone and kind of stalled for a minute talking about where it could be or stuff like that. Then he thanked me for the hike and told me he’d see me later. I said bye, feeling kind of defeated, and walked up to my door. I unlocked it and turned around and watched him drive off, glancing back at me.
Unbeknownst to me, my cat sprinted out the door by my feet when I was looking at him, and I missed it. But he saw it, so a minute later the car pulled back up, he knocked on the door, and had the cat in tow. I thanked him and he came in and dug through the same basket one more time for the phone, then smiled and told me he’d see me soon. Then he went to his car, sat in it for like 4 or 5 minutes and looked like he was on his phone, then drove off.
I also told him I was taking the cat to the vet tomorrow and he asked when and said I could take his car or he’d drive me if I needed. I said I might take him up on that if the person I was trying to borrow a car from couldn’t lend it to me, and mentioned not wanting to pay for a taxi. He told me a taxi would be really silly and a waste of money and he has nothing going on.
So after all of this, I’m left unsure of what to think and what to do. He’s been DYING to see the movie we talked about going and seeing. Like, has not shut up about its release for MONTHS. Yet, he still hasn’t gone. I’m wondering if he’s waiting for me to bring it up, or what’s going on. I kind of want to ask him tomorrow, while we’re dealing with the cat, if he wants to make plans but I really don’t want to seem desperate.
Any advice?!?
Wow…. Well, it sounds like you guys haven’t really even broken up! I mean, I guess it doesn’t hurt to ask him about it! He is still treating you like he definitely cares! How do you really feel?
Just out of total curiousity, did you read my original post too? No pressure either way, I’m just trying to gauge what people have read. I feel like we haven’t really broken up either, to be honest. My counselor and social worker that I see both say the same thing. I honestly just feel like it’s kind of silly that we’re acting like this, but pretending like it’s nothing. We’re not just friends here – I mean, what we’re doing isn’t as serious as our relationship always has been. But it feels like we’re starting over and getting a healthy second chance. So it just seems kind of silly to me that we both are still tiptoeing around each other so much. I want him back and if he doesn’t want me back, he sure has a funny way of showing it.
I think he definitely wants to go to that movie with you 😛
I just read your other post. Ok. First of all, I think he acted like that when you asked him why he didnt make any progress in a week to find a place because he took it as you not loving/valuing him anymore and it hurt him. Also the fact he was afraid this would be equivalent to being the end. Maybe it’s not relevant anymore, maybe you already got to that conclusion on yourself.
Now… I think the way you have been acting towards him is really good. You have been keeping together really well, congratulations on that. That made him keep coming. You never made him feel pressured. I think you are going great. My advice is keep going like that. If things don’t develop in the next 2 weeks to a month, and you think it’s time to get back already or else things won’t develop at all, maybe it’s time to change strategies.
I read on the other post you were recommended to suggest him going on dates without a title, have you done that? Sorry if I missed that
Oh and those 2 weeks to a month, don’t take that time frame seriously. Just to the point you feel things might just never develop to getting back if you guys continue doing this.
I think it’s possible he might want to go too. I don’t see any other logical explanation for his behavior otherwise. This probably sounds totally dense, but I’m wondering why you think that? I mostly like hearing other people’s thoughts behind things so I can see if they line up with my own thinking, or if I’m totally crazy.
Your explanation for why that might’ve upset him is probably spot on. That and the fact that like I said, when he freaks out, he has a tendency to go to drastic things, like needing to move out or what not. I think part of his response has to do with the fact that since we’d already agreed to move out, he can’t use that as a flight mechanism anymore. I also think that he expected me to just ignore this or let it blow over. I’ve never gotten mad before or taken him seriously when he’s said he wants to move because he never acts on it or seems like he wants to once he calms down. This time, I took him at his word and acted accordingly. I don’t think he ever expected it to come to that.
I agree with what you said about a time frame. I want to take things slow and give him time to breathe and think, but at a certain point, I’m not going to keep waiting. I’m obviously keeping busy and taking care of myself, but I refuse to just be left out to dry for a long period of time just because he can’t see that it clearly still seems like we’re dating.
I haven’t recommended the idea of going on dates without a title yet. Honestly, I’m kind of scared to, though I don’t really know why. Someone suggested talking to him about it after the movie, IF we end up going. But if we don’t, I don’t know where that leaves me in terms of talking to him. I’m just afraid that if I don’t bring it up soon, he’ll friend zone me. Maybe I’m totally crazy, but I felt kind of friend zoned today, which doesn’t make a ton of sense because he was so attentive and helpful and nice.
Yeah I read your story and I completely relate! Because my ex and I are both 18 and 19 and we started dating when I was 15 and he was 16. And we practically lived together within 8 months in and were together EVERY DAY. No time a part and no lives with anyone else. Which definitely attributed to the break up.
With your situation, I am confused but at the same time I understand. However, I think he really needs time to miss you. I mean you can try no contact or just become very distant. I do think you’ve done a great job though and you are definitely a strong person 🙂
I think that at his age (same as my ex) being “tied down” is too much for them. It sucks to say, but guys don’t mature as fast. If you give him time to miss you, you can give him the realization that he does need you.
Moving out and doing the whole dating thing is a wonderful idea. I don’t think you should consider doing NC for a little longer, but I don’t know how long. It is clear that he wants you in his life, but he really needs his space (whether he wants to fully admit it or not).
I’m finally giving my ex what he “wants” and I think you should do the same. If he doesn’t want the title with you, so be it! He has to (and no doubt will) realize it very soon.
I hope that helped 🙁
Yeah, living together is really hard when you’re this young. Do I think we could live together successfully some day? Yes! Do I think right now/the time we did spend together was the right time? Nope. The fact that this is his first year out of college so he has no school work to keep him busy, the fact he doesn’t have a ton of friends, the fact we also work together, etc. all made it really hard for us to get any free time. We just spent so much time together that I think we stopped appreciating each other enough.
My only real struggle is with the no contact. Part of me sees that as a really good idea because I genuinely do think he’d be very confused and lonely if I simply stopped talking to him at all. Whenever we’ve talked recently, if I don’t respond immediately/quickly, he sends follow-up messages. He responds to any texting I initiate almost immediately (usually within two minutes), like he’s been dying to talk to me but just hasn’t wanted to be the one to start the conversation. Because of these things, it almost feels like he’s more desperate to talk than I am and that his self-control just maybe isn’t always as good as mine. I think it’d hit home really hard if I were not in contact, didn’t accept any of his favors, didn’t ask him to do things, etc.
All of this being said, there’s also a couple of reasons I think it’s not necessarily a good idea for me. The first is that he takes any hesitation on my part as rejection. If he offers to do me a favor and I don’t immediately say yes, he backs off or won’t respond to my follow-up texts because he thinks I rejected him. If I don’t immediately say a straight up “yes” to plans or physical contact, like even if I just ask him a brief question and then say yes, he assumes I don’t want to be around him and he’s burdening me. None of this is my issue, it’s something he needs to work on, but I don’t want him to get the impression that I’m trying to push him away. My counselor has stressed to me that while it’s obviously very important for me to take care of myself, if I want this to work out, I can’t be cold to him all of the time.
I’m also scared that if I flat out go no contact, I won’t get my chance to speak my piece about the dating. I’m not sure it’s even occurred to him that we could start over and take things slow without titles to begin with because we’ve ALWAYS been so serious and committed. He just doesn’t know any differently for the two of us, and I really want to give him something to think about. But we haven’t talked about it yet, so I’m scared that if I initiate no contact completely, I won’t get a chance to.
I want to “give him what he wants” and a taste of his own medicine. This is just so hard because our relationship isn’t necessarily a textbook case that makes it easy to follow all of Kevin’s rules. I’m just not sure which to bend and when…
The first couple of sentences of your last paragraph is EXACTLY how I feel.
Honestly, I don’t know if NC is a good idea in your situation either. I mean, it is very clear he is still in love with you and doesn’t want to lose you.
I feel you need to bring up the slow dating idea. If he rejects this idea, that’s when you should do NC. But not for too long. Your situation is very different from what Kevin gives us!
Just out of curiosity, what makes you say it’s clear he’s still in love with me? I’m just so stuck in this bubble and the fact that this is my own world that my thinking is really skewed and biased. I’d love to hear, from your perspective, what makes you think that.
I’m just so confused by our communication sometimes. I’m probably reading into his punctuation and stuff way too much, but it starts freaking me out and making me feel like I look desperate when he ceases using exclamation points and stuff like that. Probably WAY overthinking it. I’m just nervous. He’s letting me borrow his car in a couple of minutes while I take the cat to the vet, and he’s going to hang out here and use the internet while I’m gone because he doesn’t have any at his new place yet. I keep thinking that this totally makes sense and he never liked going to the vet even when we were dating, yet then I keep thinking that if he really cared or wanted to be around me, he’d be going. It’s so skewed. I know he cares to some extent, so why is a vet visit getting me all worked up?
I’m just afraid to bring up the slow dating idea. I REALLY think it could work, but I don’t want to come across as desperate or needy now. A friend told me I should ask him to go see the movie we’d talked about and then bring it up after that, once we’ve clearly kind of gone on a date and it’s been successful. But I’m terrified. I just wish my relationship were clear cut enough that Kevin’s rules worked so I could follow them instead of having to bug y’all to figure what to listen to and what not to…
Have you not seen what you described?!?! He is still going out of his way for you! He isn’t just being a “nice guy”. An ex boyfriend isn’t just a “nice guy” to his ex girlfriend. He can be nice to you, but not overly nice the way he is being! That is proof #1! Proof #2 is that he is worried and feels rejected by the simplest things you may do (even you are that same way towards him!). He cares for you. Just like you said about my ex, he loves you just as much, but he is handling his confusion in a very immature way. Guys look at commitment like being tied down to the stand because there are a lot of girls that do that. So it becomes stereotypical and it screws it up for the girls like you who are open to giving him his space and freedom!
Yes you are WAY over thinking it. He is not going to the vet with you not because of you. It is because he just doesn’t want to go to the vet! You can’t take that personally! Guys can be very impatient, and a vets office is sometimes a long visit (I know I work at one). However, he let you use his car, he wouldn’t have done that if he doesn’t care! As for punctuation, I read into like that too with my ex. Yes, maybe he is doing it intentionally, for THIS reaction! I am pretty sure that is what my ex was doing! Again, don’t take it personal! It is the maturity level difference!
I think you should listen to your friend. You know, it never hurts to try. He seems really open to you. Like you said, you’re situation is NOTHING like ours. You have your man! He’s just being weird! Lol! You aren’t bothering any of us though! The whole point of this is to help and support one another!
I’ve definitely seen it and lived it, I guess I just feel like I must have an insanely skewed, biased view on things because I want to believe so badly that he cares and that things could work out. I guess I just assumed part of the time that he was probably just being friendly or acting this way out of habit because two and a half years is a long time together and because he was nice to some of his exes while we were dating. He’d text one of them that still lives in our college town occasionally, go get frozen yogurt with her occasionally, etc. He never responded to her as quickly as he does to me, he never suggested plans, stuff like that but he kept her in his life and still communicated and would do nice things for her if she asked, so I guess I’m just terrified he’s just treating me like any other girl. Even though, in my humble opinion, even nice guys don’t treat every girl like this.
He’s never liked going to appointments or waiting, and he hasn’t used his computer in like two days, so I can understand wanting the opportunity to check things. He lingered for about a half hour to 40 minutes after I got back too, even if he wasn’t paying full attention to me the entire time. He told me all about these new kitchen pans he’s getting, showed them to me, played a song for me that his band is learning, and we talked a bit more about trying to find the phone and what not. Finally, he packed up his stuff and started heading out the door, but kind of lingered to ask me what my schedule was like tomorrow. He told me if his work event gets cancelled, we should go see the movie we talked about “if I wanted”, and told me he was going to text his boss to find out what the status of the event was. I told him I wanted to and I asked him what would happen if he had work and he said, “Monday! But wait, you have evening class, so maybe Tuesday?” After that, we talked for a brief minute more about my phone situation and he asked if he could come dig through this basket he thought it was in one more time. I let him, no luck, and he took a couple things with him that he’d left, including some avocados that he told me he wanted me to eat if I wanted them. Then he got in his car, lingered there for like 5 minutes on his laptop emailing himself something, I went outside and asked him a question about his mail forwarding, and he eventually took off. This was about a half hour ago, and he just sent me a text saying, “I can’t find that darn phone anywhere.”
So that’s my little update. I think it’s all good and was flattered he asked about the movie, so I didn’t have to. It showed me he kind of clearly wanted to go see it with me, which I’d already guessed. I know you’re right about the punctuation in texts, and he even knows I read into this tiny itty bitty things, so he’s probably using it to mess with me some more. Annoying, but I guess we all do it to some extent. The only thing really bugging me at this point is that we’ve had NO physical contact. He doesn’t even hug me when he leaves. He just says good bye, smiles, and tells me he’ll see me soon. Same friend says he’s probably not initiating anything because if he hugged me, he’d also want to kiss me and smell my hair and hold me and probably have sex with me, etc. and he’s trying to avoid setting himself up for hurt, especially when he doesn’t know if I’d be receptive to it. Which I obviously would, so that seems stupid to me. I don’t know. Maybe the friend is right.
I’m so glad I’m not bothering anyone. I really really value your input and love being able to help other people, like you, with their situations. Really takes my mind off things!
He is being OVERLY nice to you! Haha! Quit you’re worrying! And see, he wanted to see that movie with you!!! You are in a much better position than any of us!
You can tell he really does care. But he doesn’t want to test those limits of being physical with you. It is definitely some dangerous waters to cross when you don’t know what you want! I know when my ex was physical with me, it made things a lot harder.
Yes, it is easier to act a certain way with your ex, but if he doesn’t want you in his life, he wouldn’t act that way at all. Maybe nice, but not as nice as that. Are you gonna bring up the dating thing after the movie?
I know I need to stop worrying, and I’m sorry if my worrying is annoying based on the fact that I know I am in a better position than a fair number of people. My brain is so messed up and silly that I keep thinking he maybe felt pressured to ask me about the movie, even though I never said anything!
The only thing about the physicality that’s confusing to me is that we’ve slept together three times since the break up, and not once did I make a big fuss about it. In fact, he’s the one who felt guilty and sad afterwards. While we were intimate, he’d kiss me and touch me and be really attentive. That’d last for a little while afterwards, and then he’d start to beat himself up and back off. It’s really the backing off that confuses me, considering I’ve made it clear I’m okay with physical contact. I just wonder if maybe I’m being delusional when I think that he could possibly just not be acting on his feelings because he’s afraid he won’t be able to stop if he starts.
I don’t know whether to bring up the date thing after the movie or not. I don’t know what is a good or bad idea at this point. He texted me like six hours ago and told me he does have his event and wants to know if I can go Monday. I haven’t said anything back because I don’t know what the right thing to say is, or if I should be making him wait to keep his interest peaked or what. I’m just lost as to what a good course of action to be trying to get him back is at this point, though I’m obviously happy he asked!
Listen to me right now when I say this, YOU ARE NOT ANNOYING ANYONE, EVERYONES’ SITUATION IS DIFFERENT, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO VENT AND HAVE CONCERNS JUST LIKE THE REST OF US!
Now that that was said and done with, we can get back to business!
I can understand how that can be confusing. Have you ever asked him about that?
Text him back yes! When that night comes, just judge the night as is! If you feel the time is right at that point, then make it at that time! If not, no harm in waiting!
You have to do it when you feel comfortable! Just like I have to end NC when I feel comfortable! It all has to be done within a comfort zone.
We could go over different ideas on how to initiate the conversation? I know with me, I like to write things out at first.
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