Things I've learned / my ex is back

So my long story is on here somewhere, but I’ve really learned a lot during this whole process, both from the site and not, and I thought I would share it here. I’ve read a lot of peoples posts and seen what I consider to be some pretty negative/painful behavior during the grieving process, and so maybe this will help. Who knows.

I’ve been doing NC for the past 3 weeks, and my ex has slowly been coming back, but as of last night, I’d have to officially say that it worked. I should stress though that just because this worked for us, it may not work for everyone. We didn’t break up because someone cheated, or we stopped loving eachother, so again, this situation might be different.

1. If they ask for space, give them space.
I cannot stress this enough. My guy asked for space cause he was really stressed out with work and couldn’t be a good boyfriend and it was making things really tough on him. I didn’t really get it and for the first two weeks after we broke up, I didn’t give him the space he needed. Don’t do that. I’ve read on here where people are considering going to their exes houses confessing their undying love and such. Respect yourself and their wishes enough to give them that space. As his mom told me when his younger brother and his longtime girlfriend broke up – you can’t miss something that is right in front of your face. Give both of you the time needed, and step away. And as I always had to remind myself – calm down.

2. Do stuff for you!
This has been mentioned on here a lot, but one of the things that was a stressor for my ex, and later brought him back, is that I didn’t have that many hobbies or things I did for myself. I changed that during our time apart. I got involved in activities I loved but had stopped/tried new things, and they really made me happy, and he saw that. Wallowing at home isn’t good for anyone.

3. Spend time with friends
I did this a lot. This sort of goes along with the above post, but I went out with friends, and we didn’t talk about relationship woes or anything, we had fun! I reconnected with friends I hadn’t seen in a long time. Trust me, this stuff doesn’t go unnoticed.

4. I let him come to me
We live in the same neighborhood and go to the same gym and grocery store, so it was only a matter of time before we ran into eachother. I was never rude, and never blatantly ignored him, but I let him make the first few moves. He contacted me a few times, he started flirting with me in the gym, etc… the point is, I didn’t force it, I didn’t chase him, I left him alone. I made it seem like he was in control, and it worked.

5. Don’t bring up old relationship stuff right away
What I mean by that is that eventually issues that caused the break up should probably be addressed, but not right away. Let the flirting and reattraction work its magic. Don’t overload it with heavy sad emotions or anger or anything. But a key part of that is being at a place yourself where you are ok and have let the past anger and hurt go. That is key.

The point of this isn’t to be like “oooh look at me I got my ex back,” I am by no means a relationship expert and honestly just kinda got lucky I think, but I recognized that the only thing that would work would be to give him his space. Its a struggle, that’s for sure, and I went through a lot of the same anxiety and mental mess that everyone else does, but I dunno, maybe this will just help show that it really can work if you follow the process.

That being said, be willing to be flexible in the process as it fits your situation. If I had stuck to my original plan, and not responded to any of his messages, my situation would not be where it is now. He texted me first multiple times, approached me, etc… if I had continued for the full 30 days, it would have seemed like I was blowing him off, and he would probably have begun to turn away. Again, just pay attention to your situation. That may mean having to do NC for even longer – I’ve seen a lot of posts where people say “ok its been 31 days – I’m gonna go over there.” See how it fits to your relationship, and again, don’t force anything.

Good luck everyone 🙂