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Context: I met her two years ago & we started dating, and continued to do so over the next 6 months or so, after which I thought it was high time we made it official…she did not…& that’s how it all started. The rest of that year we spent together was unstable, to put it mildly, & it was obvious that we wanted different things; I wanted a normal relationship, she wanted to be non-exclusive, it’s an old and sad tale. Long story short, it all ended in tears (literally—for both of us), & that’s when the real problems started. I moved on with a new woman who I’d met, and she hooked up with a few men, and that really should have been that, but it turned out that my new girlfriend was on the rebound (& then some, she’d been with her ex for 9 years & they were due to be engaged), & some of the guys that my ex was seeing ended up doing some very immoral, very illegal things to her which I won’t get too much into & which I didn’t respond to very well (at all), because in my heart I still cared about her a great deal (& still do), we both went through bouts of severe depression, hospitals & counseling were involved, it was bad, very bad…however, the reason we both new what was going on in each other’s lives, was because for some reason that I still can’t for the life of me figure out, we both stayed in contact with each other, and we were both there for each other as emotional support during that unfortunate period that I hope & pray never to see again…that was about a year ago.
Fast forward to the present day, & a lot has changed, for both of us. She’s graduated university & I’ve just about finished my PhD as well, we’re both working, I’m currently in the process of buying a house, and we are both fairly safe & healthy physically & psychologically these days, which is a massive improvement let me tell you. We’ve both been officially single all year, but we’ve met up on a regular basis one on one, we’ve been able to find common ground & repair a lot of the damage we did to each other, and more recently, there’s even been quite a bit of flirting going on…
…but now, as of yesterday, we’ve hit a bit of hurdle. So, a couple of weeks ago I took her swimming, and we had an amazing time & we really clicked, and at the end of that I leaned in for a kiss, she did not flinch, so I followed through. She seemed a little nervous straight afterwards, but she smiled & told me she wanted to see me again, so a few days later I asked her round to my place with an offer of me cooking a meal. I then didn’t hear from her for about week, until eventually she replied, said she’d love to see me, but how about a pick-nick in the park instead. So I agreed, and we went, and she seemed a lot more hesitant & awkward than she had last I saw her. We did end up back at my place, but she then started making some fairly obviously bs excuses to leave early, and looked really nervous about something. So I told her, ‘I’m getting the impression there’s something bothering you, is anything the matter?’ etc, and she proceeded to tell me what I already suspected, that as much as she liked me, she was very very hesitant to risk getting back together, given what happened last time.
So we had a bit of a chat about it, I tried to reassure her on a couple of things that worried her, namely that history was not going to repeat itself, because we’d both learned a lot from the last time & so long as we’re both honest & open with each about what we want then there’s no reason it will. She’s also going to be studying in London for about a year next year to do her teacher training, and she’s worried the distance will be too much for us, to which I reminded her that I’m only an hour & a half’s train journey from London. There were other concerns as well of a more personal nature (I’m afraid that’s between us), but again, I felt like they were issues that could be potentially resolved. Bottom line, she likes me, a big part of her wants to get back together (yes she did say so), but another huge part of her is terrified of one or both of us getting hurt again.
My current situation: In the end, I decided that we wern’t going to resolve these concerns that evening, so I let her go with a hug & a good night, but told her that I already know how I feel about her & what I want, and she needs to go away and figure out how she feels & what she wants, and unfortunately I cannot do that for her. I’m not going to pressure her or manipulate her into doing anything she doesn’t want to do or which makes her feel uncomfortable, & if she does decide that it’s just too much of a risk then I’ll respect her decision, but that said I did say that if she does want to keep me on and a mere friend, whilst she dates & sleeps with other guys, then that would be a little too much to ask of me, better we’d not see each other all, and she was very understanding of that. My plan is to let the dust settle for at least a week…by which point (hopefully) she will get back to me, if not…well…I guess that is the question isn’t it? 🙁
Hello!
I think what you’re doing is amazing, cause you’re not only showing her that you’ve changed, and that you could handle the relationship in a very mature way, but you’re also showing that you’re not desperate or anything like that. You know your place and your worth and you are making a stand for what you want. I think you’re amazing and this woman would be a fool not to take you back. If she doesn’t, then it’s probably for the best, because that means that even though you are now more mature and changed, she’s not. And maybe you wouldn’t repeat history, but she could. Just keep that in mind in case she doesn’t reach back.
I’d love to assure you that she will come back, because honestly in my opinion it’s the most logical thing to do, but we can’t know how she feels and what she thinks right now, and if she really is in a better place and mindset than before. But stay strong! You’ve done the best you could.
Good luck!
Ok, so a week has gone by & no she hasn’t called or texted me (but that’s fine cos I honestly was not expecting her to; if she’s not been able to make her mind up about in me two years I doubt she’d be able to in only 7 days), so I’ve just sent her a text to break radio silence & (hopefully) prompt a response. Sent her an amusing video to make her laugh, followed with a ‘how has your week been?’; I did however add a p.s. which I’m not sure was a good idea or not, but too late to change it now, which said something along the lines of ‘btw, I do think the past belongs in the past, but if you are ever worried about it affecting the future, don’t ever be afraid to talk to me about it (smiley face)’… basically I was trying to reduce the anxiety she may well be feeling about the prospect of history repeating itself (which I think is the main worry she has) whilst also trying to come across as being a trustworthy guy who isn’t afraid of difficult conversations but at the same time doesn’t make a point of having them all the time? I think that’s what I was going for?…:/ oh well, too late to change it now, the message is sent.
I’m thinking I’ll give her at least three days to respond, then try calling her a couple of times, & IF I find that she’s suddenly nigh unreachable (I’m not expecting that to be the case, she does usually respond when I call, it just takes her a few days to respond to texts sometimes), then I’ll walk, because I won’t really have a choice at that stage. There’d be absolutely no point in driving myself nuts trying to reach her, as a non-response would be a pretty clear message just a bit of a cowardly one, & why should I respect someone who shows no respect for me? But I’m getting ahead of myself; she does usually respond to me in the end it just takes her awhile sometimes, which reminds me, there are a few things I’m still a little unsure about.
See, I’ve actually gone back & forth quite a few times over the past couple of years about whether or not I actually want to be pursing her at all, given her terrible track record for response times, as well as a few other things, but for some reason the part of me that wants her always seems to win in the end, and I’m struggling to understand why that is. Part of the reason, I think, is because I’ve never been totally without the belief that she feels the same way about me. I’ve been in toxic relationships with cruel & manipulative people before, and I really don’t think it is the same. In my experience, when someone is just manipulating you into thinking the feeling is mutual, because of some twisted reason to do with their own ego, then they’re usually more…well…’confrontational’ about it. I have one ex, for instance (who I’m really glad to be rid of), who used to be really good at deliberately trying to make me feel like I was always the one in the wrong, & that I owed everything to her…charming woman…but my point is, this girl just doesn’t seem to be like that. I’ve also seen plenty of break ups where it’s because one person just gets too needy & the other realizes they don’t really love them after all, I’ve even done it myself. Generally with those ones, the dumper ends up vanishing forever into thin air, whilst the dumpee ends up curled in a ball on the floor crying their eyes out. Again, this doesn’t really feel like that…she’s never been able to completely vanish from my life, but for some reason she can’t ever quite bring herself to come running towards me either, and rather than coming across as either angry or indifferent towards me, when she’s around me she tends to alternate (sometimes literally mid sentence), between being super engaged & interested/happy, & suddenly looking really awkward & nervous. She is the undisputed queen of mixed signals, and after two years of knowing her, I still couldn’t tell you what goes on in that brain of hers.
But I’m beginning to suspect that it’s not that she’s indifferent towards me or that she is somehow trying to manipulate me to stroke her vanity (she’s pretty much without vanity as far as I can tell actually, very low self esteem); I really think it’s because she does actually like me a lot, but because she’s got an avoidant attachment style (see attachment theory), possibly because of how she’s been treated by guys in the past, or maybe her family has something to do with it, but the idea of love & commitment just seems to terrify her…& I do think it is fear not simply disinterest, because I think if she was just disinterested in commitment she would’ve been a lot less emotional about the whole break up. I’ll never forget something she once said about a year ago when I once asked her why we ended up splitting apart, just when we were going so well, to which she said she ‘got scared’. After I ‘left’ is also when she really started to go off the rails, and that’s when the really bad stuff started to happen.
So yeah, we’ll see how this week goes & if she get’s back to me I’ll let you know what happens. I think that despite all we’ve put each other through, I do still love her, but sadly that’s not enough of a reason to stay, not unless she loves me too. In two years, she’s only ever said ‘I love you’ once, only once, & that was right before all the problems started, and she’s never said it since…& I’ve always found that very interesting…
Maybe she has major trust issues due to the fact she was abused over several years by her ex. She also sounds passive/aggressive. You asked her over to your place, but she suggested a picnic. Then you two ended up back at your place and she wanted to leave early. I suggest you court her properly by taking her on outings to have fun and get acquainted again so she will feel more emotionally connected to you. You’ve both changed during the time you’ve been apart and she needs to see the “new” you. Don’t do home dates until you’re very sure she would feel comfortable with that.. If you haven’t already done so, at some point you need to have a calm discussion about how each of you will avoid the ‘pitfalls’ of the past; specific things you both plan to do or avoid in order to make reuniting happier and more stable. Good luck.
I just realized I never updated this as I was meaning to last week; it’s been one of those weeks! In summary, things are actually going ok, not incredible, but ok. My week of radio silence seemed to work, as she decided to meet up with me for a drink, and she said she couldn’t promise anything long term (fair), but she is really attracted to me & she doesn’t want to lose contact with me. So in conclusion, we have agreed to communicate at least once a week & for us to meet up at least once a month whilst she’s doing her 1 year long PGCE in London, and when that’s done she is seriously contemplating moving back to Birmingham (where I live), & I’d like to think that a lot of that is to do with me (I hope).
She has been getting slightly more physical as well; i.e. lots of extended hugs for no reason, & last I saw her she kissed me. Nothing really sexual as yet; she seems a bit hesitant & I ain’t pushing. I did proposition her a little bit last week, & she looked really nervous so smiling I asked if she’d prefer I back off, she thought for a second & then said ‘for now…’, & it was soon after that that she kissed me. I am gonna try my luck again at some point, but I’m also not rushing it; I think it’s just a question of timing it right. Apart from that, we’re kind of where we were just before all the problems started, so, hopefully, if nothing else goes wrong, it might actually work this time. If not, then I suppose there are others…but I’d rather not need to…I mean I did want her back for a reason after all, she is kind of awesome. 🙂
Contact each week and see each other monthly, but don’t try to get physical with her at all! She knows what you want, but she isn’t on the same page with you. Let her be the one to initiate some contact. It’s sooooo obvious she doesn’t want anything physical at this time and probably won’t for a long time to come! Just date her properly by taking her out and having good times. Keep it casual. Don’t say or hint at anything sexual. Good luck/
Hi patricia12,
There are a couple of issues with that. First of all, she wasn’t the one who was abused for years by her ‘ex’, that was the other girl (the one who was on the rebound). She’s had very bad experiences with other guys, & one extremely bad experience which I’ll not get into (& which I was the one who helped her through), but luckily that only happened the once & she never saw him again. Secondly, we’ve been seeing each other & going out for meals etc all year, so she’s already seen the ‘new me’ quite a lot, and part of the problem was that in all that time I just never made a move, because I was afraid if I did she’d run away, I never took the risk, and so I put myself in a bit of a friend zone that I eventually decided wasn’t making me very happy.
It was only as of about a couple of months ago, when I started being a little more forward with my feelings for her that I started to see some real mutual interest from her, and she’s said more than once that she really appreciates that I did, because it’s something she’s thought about but wasn’t sure that I wanted. When I last spoke to her the day before yesterday and she did even say (effectively) that the whole sex thing is a thing she wants to happen, it just depends on how she’s feeling in the exact moment. I’m also aware that SSRIs do do this, they do make one’s libido rather temperamental at best.
I think in essence you are correct though. I know she’s not on exactly the same page as me. If she was, then timing wouldn’t even be an issue. I’d be lying if I said this was easy for me in that regard. At least half to three quarters of this seems to be boiling down to how much self control I can maintain to take things slowly, which isn’t easy. It’s kind of annoying, but she has been on my mind a lot the last few months. She’s the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before going to sleep. Whenever she’s not around I find myself really missing the sound of her voice & the feeling of being in her presence, and when I’m around her I regularly find myself resisting the urge to just reach out & touch her. It is very frustrating.
I know what your thinking though, maybe I should be pursuing someone less insecure & more committed to actually being with me. I’ve thought this myself enough times. But like the old saying goes, we don’t get to choose who we love. To give you some additional context, one of the reasons we split in the first place was because she went on anti-depressants, and her libido literally disappeared overnight, and we ended up suddenly not sleeping with each for months, which at the time I didn’t react to very well at all. I regretfully got very very needy & desperate (not very attractive) and so, unsurprisingly, when her libido eventually returned, it wasn’t me she started sleeping with, and feeling very very hurt & humilitated & betrayed, that’s when all hell broke lose & I said ‘fuck this’ & left, and went off with someone else myself. That then sent her completely off the rails, as I’d been the one person supporting her through her mental health problems, and she started internalising everything & blaming herself for everything that happened, & for a while had a very worrying lifestyle that didn’t end very well for her. Luckily I still cared enough to be there for her platonically when that inevitably happened. This year for me has been all about recovery & getting us both to a better place psychologically, and I think we’ve both done an amazing job at turning our lives around. She’s changed and improved an increadible amount over the past year, and I am proud of her for it, and I think to be honest, so have I. Before, we both ended up screwing each other over, because we didn’t communicate what we wanted very effectively, which is something I’ve said to her and she fully agrees with me.
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