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At the beginning of this year I broke up with my girlfriend for 2 years (the break up was quite ugly). The last few months I have used to work on myself (like seeing a therapist) and to overthink and acknowledge what went wrong during our relationship. I realise know how my behaviour contributed to dismantle our relationship. I started writing an “elephant in the room” letter but am kind of stuck with how to end the letter without sounding desperate or needy to start talking to her again, but I am also worried that saying things like “I wish you all the best” won’t get any response from her. So, any help or advice of how to end that letter is welcome. Thanks in advance
Thanks, my best guess is she won’t respond. But of course I will never know if I don’t try 🙂
So, I sent her the letter over a week ago. As I expected, so far no response. Giving it a thought if i want to take other actions within a week or two or that I should accept she is really gone 🙁
In my personal life, I’ve heard of a couple people writing and sending those letters. They never got a response either.
One thing I’ve found is that if you feel like you really need to write a letter, one possible idea is to spend time to write up exactly what you want to say.. and then don’t send it. Instead keep it around and make an agreement with yourself that if you agree you should send it 7 days in a row, you’ll send it off.
Every day, revisit the issue and consider whether it is a good idea to send it. What you may find is that you may think it would be reasonable to send it one day but then another day think it is a bad idea.
I’ve written emails that I’ve never sent, myself. I’d write them up and send them to myself. I found it can help with the healing process where actually sending the emails doesn’t because you are spinning the whole situation up again. I’ve also done it when I was angry about something and wanted to tell someone off. Writing the email lets off a bit of steam and then I can revisit it later if I really do want to send it. When it comes to those types of emails, I don’t think I’ve ended up ever actually sending one off after writing it up.
@mr_the_ex Thanks for your respone, a bit late though 😉 (just kidding). That letter was in my drafts for ages and I re-read it hundred times before I sent it, I did NC for over 3 months. But I get your point, especially “the spinning up” part. Part of my letter was taking accountability for some of my actions, actions which I am changing with help of a therapist so I can handle it better in the future. Although I really felt I had to apoligise for those actions and explain to her where they were coming from, I also realised that writing it down would be a reminder for her that that’s a part of me she doesn’t like. I only hoped that letting her know I am working on that part to change it for the better will make her realise that something good came out of this break up.
Before sending the letter I came up with a lot of different possible responses from her. As I already stated most likely it would be her not responding at all. Another one was her calling me out for reaching out to her again. She explicitly told me at the break up she doesn’t want to communicate with me anymore, so I expected her to remind me of her statement in a not so civil way. Adding to this I expected she would block me on social media, like she did after the break up only to un-block me a month later though. I guess she realises I am not going to spam her with messages, so far no blocking (that’s the only positive I can come up with after sending the letter). Another less likely outcome would have been her sendig me a positive reply, that would haven been a dream come true. For now that dream shattered into pieces!
But now I am curious: what would you suggest to do if you want to re-start with your ex? Or do you think that isn’t possible at all?
It sounds like you did the right think keeping it around a long time and revisit it before sending it.
You asked what would I suggest to do to restart the relationship…
I think it is always possible for a relationship to restart but I don’t think there is always something one can do to cause it to happen. A two year relationship is a pretty long relationship. If you spent a lot of time on the letter, I’m sure you put everything in there you wanted to say. So, it is not a case where she doesn’t know how you feel, where she is confused about the situation or where she think it would be hopeless to try again.
I think at this point, she would have to come back to you and anything you do from here as far as communication with her would just push her away. It isn’t a good spot to be in, not knowing whether she has found someone new or working on that and not knowing how she’s feeling at all, but that’s the way it goes. I think it needs to be her decision to come back at this point. In the meantime, it would be best to work on planning life without her. Then, if she does come back, great but if she doesn’t at least you are moving forward.
I had an ex contact me once about 5 years after our relationship was over. The breakup was a mutual agreement as the situation wasn’t good. I wrote up a letter like yo did but I never actually sent it. I still have it around somewhere.
Anyway, she just contacted me one day out of the blue, we talked a bit and then she asked if we could go on a trip together. I’m assuming she had just broken up with someone. She had always told me she didn’t want to restart a relationship but then she did. I turned her down as a couple years after the broke up, I found someone else and she didn’t have all the issues the ex did.
The new girl had her own issues, of course. LOL. In any case, the ex and I have gone out just as friends a few times. Now she’s with someone she really cares about and I’m really happy for her. I really hope her relationship lasts.
Thanks for sharing your story, always helpful to learn about experiences from others.
You convinced me: it’s up to her to come back. I am not going to communicate to her anymore. Not giving her another opportunity to tell me I don’t respect her wishes for not communicating. Sometimes I want to believe she doesn’t respond because she is testing me, but I know that’s not the case of course; it’s just wishfull thinking.
I hope she eventually will take acountability for her actions, not holding my breath on that one though (sometimes I feel the urge for taking revenge on that). I already started some new hobbies and meeting up with new people, I am slowly moving forward and accepting she won’t be a part of my life anymore. It’s her loss I guess :-)!!
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