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As long as you’re confident in yourself, then you’re doing the best thing you can do by staying NC. He needs to learn that he had things really good with you and that he lost an awesome girl in the process. I’m glad you didn’t sell out on that last text and you can read what he’s trying to do, because that will be important for you later when he attempts to reach out again.
That’s a very good point. I see exactly what you mean. If he’s going to attempt to reconcile he would give it more than 30 minutes time. I don’t feel like your thought process is wrong in anyway. Keep doing what you’re doing Ellie. You have a really good head on your shoulders.
“I just feel guilty for ignoring him because I love him enough to still respect him. But I just feel any form of contact or showing that I care is just going to give him the power once more.”
I had those same exactly guilty feeling, for a while too. That’s why I felt the need to address that in my last post. I eventually was able to accept not breaking NC was the best option for a healthy reconciliation and I can’t let this guilt make me second guess that anymore.
The text I received was one of those “what if” situations you were referring too earlier. I needed to remind myself consistently that if she thought I was the one, she would try harder. If what she sent was the best she can do I wouldn’t bet on the odds of us working out in the long run.
It’s important to me that I don’t waste any more time than I already have on her. She doesn’t seem to be trying to become a better person and learn from her mistakes. That’s the big thing. You have already invested so much time into this relationship. You want to make sure you nor him are returning just for nothing to change.
That doesn’t sound wrong at all. You’re not alone there. You and I have the same expectations from NC and as long as our intentions are goods there is nothing wrong about it.
@KPowers1192 You are literally speaking like me. I am sorry you have to deal with a similar situation.
I mean, if right now neither of them are trying to better themselves and we have gone above and beyond for them, the next possible thing we can both do is just stop. I mean it isn’t like we don’t care, but we are throwing ourselves into this unhealthy cycle that will never end until someone has to put an end to it.
I never thought I would have to make the final call. Yeah he technically broke up with me (even though it some ways it was mutual), but I ended it for good. Him going out, partying, sleeping and having relations with other women, doing whatever he wants, yet still dragging me along is not ending anything. It wasn’t even moving on and I told him that. I was honest with him and told him that all the things that he does has not proven to me or anyone else that he has moved on. Then we get as far as being happy together, and bam! That shows he hasn’t moved on but that also shows he hasn’t grown.
Also, I noticed how he worded his sentence as “breaks at 530 if you want to talk”. It wasn’t about we talking or him wanting to talk to me (even though it is very apparent that that’s what it was, he never said it like that though). I’m assuming he worded it that way in some form of protection? I’m not sure.
I can’t grow and become someone by being dragged down by someone else. I love him more than anything and I would do anything for him. He is still everything to me. I am even contacting his step mother tomorrow and telling her to contact me if something ever happens to him. So yes, I do care. But I cannot and will not be torn down again when I have so much to live for.
I really do hope that this will impact him in a positive way. I hope it makes him think, and I hope it forms some kind of change in his life. I know at one point I meant everything to him. Maybe he will see that again… What do you think?
I am also sorry you have to go through this. It’s a situation I don’t wish on anybody.
It sucks to have to be the one to make the final call. It can make you think for a split second that you’re the one giving up. Not saying you are doing this, but if you are don’t think like that because it’s not true. When you look at facts, you’re the one who has always been committed and he is the one who keeps leaving and coming back.
I am surprised he brought up talking a third time. Clearly he’s the one who has something to say. I’m also not sure as to what he’s trying to do with that.
I’m not familiar with how close you and his step mother are, but I would advise you to be careful as this may open some type of door. If the step mom consults him about you talking to her, especially about him, that may give him a slight ego boost and conflict with him visualizing losing you for good. Maybe his cousin would be a better option as you said she was your best friend? If you are concerned about his well-being and don’t think it’s will negatively impact your NC, then I say go for it regardless of step mom or cousin.
Even right now, I do know that you mean something to him. There’s a good chance he will see that you are everything to him at some point. The problem could be he sees this off and on which leads to these unhealthy cycles. It could be a matter of things though. I’m hoping in your situation that NC helps him accept his feelings for you and realize he can’t keep leaving and coming back. When he figures out that you’re not going to wait around on him, this will force him to figure it out what it is he wants. This is why I think NC is your best bet. For your your own health and to help him grow and search his feelings.
Ooh you’re right that our situations are similar!! It sounds like he wants you but not the pressures of a relationship and commitment. Like with the whole calling you after work thing, he probably thinks you got annoyed because you’re still more than friends and that if you were just friends that you wouldn’t be bothered. But it doesnt actually sound like you can be friends to be honest, with some people it just doesnt work and the connection is too strong. I personally think staying friends in your situation is just staying close so you can live your lives before inevitably getting back together, which is good or bad depending on what you want!
No contact will help if you want to shake up the dynamics and do things on your time now instead. But the only thing I would say is, do you really want to go through NC without knowing what’s going on or would you rather talk and actually know? You may get closure or a better understanding of the situation so that you can figure out the best thing to do
Good luck!!!
Hey @ellie, I agree with everyone here. NC seems like your best bet of getting him back. This way he will be forced to figure out what he wants at some point. He knows about your feelings for him, and that you wanted this relationship to work out. So it really is up to him now to realize what he wants and make a move to get you back. I’m sure he will keep contacting you. And you are right about this last message, If he wanted to reconcile he wouldn’t send a message when he has only 30 minutes to talk about it all. Wait to see what his next move. And don’t feel guilty about the NC! I know what it feels like, but in your situation I think it would be best at the moment. It will make you stronger knowing that you are the one right now in control, let him come to you and I believe he’ll eventually realize what he wants.
@KPowers1192 It isn’t that I’m giving up, it is just that I have to take time away from the situation. You know? I love him dearly and would love to have something with him. However, he really damaged our relationship, and it just wouldn’t be fair for me to stick around and make myself suffer. As for his step mother thing, I don’t think she would say anything to him. Especially since she is an outsider like me. We both joined a family and doesn’t have good functions, and even though she is more supportive of some of their aspects, she is also more mature about it. I genuinely want to know if something happens to him. Most of the time his cousins don’t find out until after the fact or they find out right away. So I didn’t know if I should ask her, plus she isn’t as supportive with the situation because she knows everything he has done and she is in favor of me. His step mom would know immediately. I am still thinking about it, but it would KILL me if something were to happen to him..and I wasn’t there… I whole heartendly agree with your NC views. It is just so weird to think it had to go this far. But I have to remind myself that it isn’t my fault that it has come to this..
@frey18 Calling me after work isn’t the problem, I loved that. Ignoring me, making everything on his terms, keeping secrets, etc was the problem. I know we were “just friends” but we acted like we were dating. I told him we couldn’t after so many times of him asking to be for the reason you mentioned. I told him it was impossible. It is. We have such a strong connection that it was practically detrimental to be anything but in a relationship. We acted like we were dating yet we were “friends”. It shows how impossible it is. I hope this doesn’t sound bad, but I would rather so NC and not know what is going on. If it had to do with any form of reconciliation, he would have made me feel guilty about it by now. Judging by his actions and control, I knew it was nothing but bad news. I’ve known him long enough to know what “we need to talk…” is about. You know? 🙁 it is hard, but I knew it was going to happen because things were too good to be true. I have never rejected him before, so this would be something new for him. You know?
@Oshi Hey! I guess this is his point to make the decision. Who knows how I will feel in the future? That may have actually been his last chance. After everything he has done, what is the point in wasting my breath when he knows what he did wrong? I can’t avoid those facts anymore, but I feel this is the best confrontation. Sometimes people need negative situations in order to create a positive behavior for themselves. Even though it bothers me at somewhat, the “what if” factor has left my mind. No matter what I do or say, it isn’t going to grasp his attention compared to silence.I’m just starting to have some doubts right now. I’ve been thinking about everything he put me through and I just don’t see how he ever loved me.. How could he do this to me? How could he claim to ever love me?.. I’ve been crying all morning about it.
I don’t see how this is going to work. He doesn’t care.
I’m having a really rough day.
Oh ellie, I’m so sorry! I’ve had a couple of those days myself, specifically the other day when I was talking to you, and I know how rough they are. I’m giving you a virtual hug because you totally deserve it. I know this is really hard, but you just cannot think like that. True, his actions since the break up are not necessarily those of a good man or a man who has his head on straight. But there are obviously good things you guys did and had that made the relationship last as long as it did and that are making this so hard on both of you now. You’re just having trouble seeing them because you’re distraught. His actions now may not speak much to love, but I know undoubtedly that he did love you and still could. What is going on right now has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He does care, which is why he still texts you and continued to act like you were in a relationship while you let him. He’s just confused and mixed up, which is why he doesn’t seem to understand how much he cares or how he can have independence and you. I know you probably don’t believe me, but I believe what I said wholeheartedly. Today is just one of those days, y’know? Everyone has them. This too shall pass.
@ellie I agree 100% with between1standa. It’s just one of those days. We all have them sometimes so it’s normal to think this way. Believe me I know what it feels like, you ask yourself if it’s true that he really loved you when he’s acting like this right now. If you really felt that he loved you then he definitely did. I’m sure of it. We all have this thoughts that preventing us from seeing the whole picture, but when someone truly loves you then you can feel it. Right now all of our exes are not acting like they did. I think it’s just a part of the break up and the feelings that left with it. It’s obvious that he cares and has feelings for you, the question is when he’ll start doing something about it. I’m sure that he doesn’t want to lose you, that’s why he keeps contacting you and being around you. I believe as well that maybe he’s just confused and eventually he would figure out what he wants and his mistakes as well, but by that time it might be that you already have moved on with your life! And you’re right, we shouldn’t have this thought of “what if” on our mind, and also you should feel complete with yourself that you did everything you could and the blame is on him right now. Don’t worry, I’m sure everything will turn out fine!
It is just one of those days. He was in one of my dreams last night so it just brought up thought.
I understand being confused and how young we are, but I’m just like “how could you get rid of me?”. How could he hook up with other girls? How could he be hooking up with his boss while he kept in contact with me? How could he say all those horrible things to me when we got into that fight?
Then I’m like, what if he cheated on me when we were together? What else is he lying about?
Those thoughts destroy me. Yes, the past is the past, but it just hurts. How could he do this to me? I understand being confused, I was too, but I would never do this to him..
So yeah it really is just one of those days. I was kind of questioning even ever talking to him again. I am in one of those confused stared again.
He has kept me around for this long..and kept some form of contact…but he kept doing all of that kind of stuff. I’m not mad at him for it because he is single so he could/can do whatever he wants. I just question whether or not me not talking to him will even matter..
@between1standa Did I ever tell you or did you ever read the message he sent me about a month ago when we first started all of this again? I know Oshi read it before.
I haven’t seen it, no. What’d it say? If I missed anything important in the grand scheme of things, feel free to fill me in!
HE JUST CALLED ME FROM HIS WORM NUMBER AND LEFT A VOICEMAIL. HE ACTED NATURAL AND ASKED ME TO CALL HIM BACK. WHAT DO I DO.
He sent me a message saying that I was his best friend and the past couple months have been different but I have always been his best friend. That he is holding back from the world and he wants me to experience what he got to experience, and how he is letting me go but hopefully in the future he can catch me before it is too late. He sent that around a month ago and then when we agreed to talk in person we ended up not talking about it and went from there having the moments we had.
You gotta do what feels right! Do you think he’s calling because he actually has something important to say/things are going to change? Or is this just a ploy to get your attention? You know him better than any of us so you’re going to know his motivations better than us. I think you really need to go with your gut on this one. I’m here to support you 100% though.
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