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I agree. I knew he was going to do this. I guess it was just seeing that made my heart drop. Honestly, what I’m scared of, is him hating me and not loving me anymore..
Luckily (or maybe unfortunately?) those two things are completely separate. If he hated you or were going to hate you, he already would at this point. He broke up with you and you’ve been in contact, you’ve made it clear you still care about him, you guys have had serious talks, etc. If he were going to hate you, that all would’ve sent him over the edge. Obviously, there’s the possibility he could stop loving you at some point. But I think if he did, he’d let you know and I think at this point if there was cause to worry about that, you’d know. He clearly keeps coming back to talk to you and communicate with you because he’s not ready to let go or be without you. He’s just a dumb effed up guy who has things to figure out, including that key point.
Haha the last sentence made that one pretty clear! I do agree with you, it just is a small concern (not too big). I mean, I was expecting this. This is only natural behavior of retaliation because I practically rejected him right?
I feel like he is expecting me to contact him. Do you think after the next couple of weeks, things will start to settle in and he will become worried that he lost me? Like do you think there’s a possibility since I know you can’t read his mind! Just from everything you’ve read from me, do you think once he finally sees I’m not contacting him, he may begin to wonder?
“This is only natural behavior of retaliation because I practically rejected him right?”
Bingo! In my experience, this action means something you did (cutting contact) hurt him. He probably knows you won’t answer to text at this point so he’s trying to non verbally send you a message. AKA trying to fool you into thinking he gives up, but what he’s really doing is thinking about you every other minute of the day hoping you will break NC first. Don’t take that the wrong way though. Girls and guys will both play that game at times. It doesn’t always mean they are ready to get back together. Its just satisfying for them to have the feeling of being wanted. You’re currently not giving him that feeling which scares him. He needs to go through this. You want him to be the one working for you so you know reconciliation is his idea too, not just yours. You’ve done more than your share of the work up to this point. You’re also doing an awesome job with NC. You said the longest you went without NC was a few weeks. If you stick it out for a month, it would be very interesting to see what kind of response/signs you get from him. It could also very well boost the entire process if you stick to doing you and stepping back into the dating world plan. Its very very very unlikely one month of NC will change his feelings for you. If anything it will help him detach any negative thoughts he currently has linked to you. However, if he sends you something tempting before one month, analyze it very carefully before you decide to break NC and attempt a reconciliation.
He will be worried he lost you. He’s probably partially to that point already, but depending on how much he cares and how stubborn he is I’m not sure if he will contact you or not. I can’t speak on behalf of all guys, but its obvious this guy cares about you and he would be absolutely crazy to let you get away.
Yeah, I understand completely what you are saying. I know at this point he doesn’t want to get back together. So I don’t expect that at all. As of right now, I don’t want to either. I kinda felt like he did that as a “I don’t care” gesture.
Why it concerns me about his friend and all of his coworkers is because I feel like the distractions will be so heavy that he will just be like “whatever”. I know he will be having sex with other people. Even though I know and he knows that he won’t find better or anyone that will love him the same, it still worries me that he will turn his attention to someone else and forget about me. He could have also done that just to get over me. I’m not sure. Which again, is another concern.
But I also have to remind myself that he did that before, but he was still talking to me. When we first broke up, he would contact my mom to see how I was doing. These past couple of weeks, I could see and feel the love again. Why he backed out? Well it could be for a number of reasons, but that still scares me. I also have to remember that I waited for him for 7 months. He knew he had me, so whenever he needed me, I was there. Whether he would admit to it or not, he took advantage of that because he knew I wouldn’t leave. That’s why he wanted to keep me around so bad. That’s why he wanted to “just be friends for right now, but I want to have a future with you”. He had the upper hand the whole time. Now that I completely dropped off his radar, maybe it will take things to a while new level for him. Maybe it will open his eyes. This is what I’m hoping for at least.
For him, his mood varies. He can care all he wants but sometimes his stubbornness gets in the way. But I feel if I really keep this up, it will start to scare him into contacting me. After so long, I don’t see how he couldn’t care? Especially after the last couple of weeks. I hope all of that really makes an impact on me.
Honestly, right now I want to proceed with NC and not get back together, but I want him in my future as well. I don’t want to never hear from him again. I want him to miss me and I want him to reconsider his actions. I want him to recognize what he has done, what he has lost, and what he really feels. I don’t want him to replace me..which I don’t think he will be able to.
I know I can’t replace him. Our connection was so strong. However, I am willing to accept, move on, and find someone new. But I know that person won’t be able to make up for what we had. You know?
Am I being to hopeful?
I think your last post, as well as KPowers1192, take a lot of good things into consideration. I don’t think you’re being too hopeful, so don’t worry about that too much. I think you’re actually giving this just the perfect amount of hope. You realize he’s not ready to get back together and still not in the place you want him to be (right amount of negativity) but you also know he clearly still cares for you and is still clinging on in some kind of way (right amount of positivity).
I maintain what I said about the instagram thing being a positive sign. It either shows looking at your instagram is too painful for him, that he’s trying to get to your head, or both. Either way, people don’t do those things unless they have some kind of feelings.
I think maintaining NC can only continue to bring you positive things in terms of your life and him missing you/wondering. I know it’s scary/terrifying to think he’s moving on or blowing you off, but he doesn’t seem to be. And if he is, you honestly can’t control it. This is way easier said than done, but I’d just try to take deep breaths and not think about it. Dwelling on it will only make you feel worse.
I do feel great!! You guys are just the only people I talk to about all this, so that’s when I somewhat dwell, but not too much!
I am just that kind of person where I always have to be reassured that I’m doing the right thing! If you can’t tell by now, I like positivity and positive outcomes.
I have already thought about what I would say to him the next time I decide to contact him. I think I may right a letter.
Since I never had my chance to say goodbye (dropped off the face of the earth), it would be that letter. It would just be nice to hear an apology from him and all of that kind of stuff.
I really do deserve that. I really did anything and everything for him. My goal was to show him that not everyone will give up on him (so many others have) and I wasn’t going to leave him like many others have. Just being blown off and treated like I didn’t mean that much (when I know I did) kind of sucks. :/
I’m wouldn’t judge you at all, even if you were talking to people outside of this forum. I’ve calmed down a bit in terms of how much I need to talk to outside people (family/friends) but I do come on here all the time and I’m being both a counselor and a social worker at the moment, so you could be dwelling on it a lot more than you appear to be doing. You’re incredibly strong, don’t forget that!
Haha I’m the exact same way, though I’m sure you’ve noticed! My brain jumps to worst case scenario ALL THE TIME, though most of the time there’s nothing to support my thinking. Hearing the positives from another person helps me to actually believe them because then I know my brain’s bias isn’t just leading me to think that. I totally get it and I’m here to answer any questions or give you any reassurance you need.
I think the hard thing about this case is that he’s not necessarily trying to blow you off or treat you like you don’t mean much. He’s just trying to experience that independence that he asked for, and part of that comes with not being in communication with you as much or giving you all the attention you necessarily want. It sucks, but I guess one positive is that he’s at least doing his soul searching so that at some point he’ll figure it out. It may not have the outcome you want, but he is genuinely striving to do what he set out to do. As opposed to my ex, who as I’ve said, moved three blocks from me, continues working at the same job, contacts me a ton, doesn’t get out to do new activities, etc. and still somehow things he’s changing his life in someway. Neither situation is better than the other, they’re just different, but it sucks knowing that he broke up with me because he thought it would change something/help get his life on track, but he’s not doing anything differently.
I think NC for now is your greatest asset and I don’t think you should necessarily set a time limit on it yet. But once you know you’re done with it, definitely feel free to communicate in whatever way you see fit.
Talking to outsiders just becomes so hard you know? A lot of them are very biased and just one sided. My one friend sees things from both sides, and she does am amazing job at being blunt with me even though I may not want it! However, I steered away from talking to her about this too just because we have been having a lot of fun lately, and she has been going through this with me, and she doesn’t need it! I just feel more comfortable coming on here because everyone gets it and are very helpful.
Yes, I have noticed that you are EXACTLY like me. I actually feel like I’m talking to myself. It just feels good to hear other peoples opinions because then I don’t think I am manipulating myself to think a certain way, you know? It kind of brings me back to reality.
You really summed it all up about my ex. Like I said, we are very young. Both trying to figure things out. Both trying to learn and live our own lives. It just brings about a lot of confusion I think on both ends. Because even though I say I want him, I love my freedom as well. That’s why I said in the future, that is what I would like. But for the rest of it, I would like for him to miss me, feel sorry, and realize. I know this sounds weird, but there is no doubt in my mind that I am the one for him. Like many of his family members say to me, “we had no idea where he found you and we didn’t think you were going to stick around, and now here you are”. They really made it clear to me. It is insulting that he goes for people that aren’t as high up (meaning standards, morals, values, etc) as me. I guess that is what makes me feel like crap maybe? Like why wasn’t I good enough, but all of that is? You know?
I’m not really planning on putting a time cap on NC. I really have to do it when I am ready, and I don’t think I will be for a long time. But I can’t not say happy birthday (which is 1 1/2 months from now) to him. It just wouldn’t feel write. So I figured that is when I should possibly send a letter? Maybe a text? I don’t know which way exactly. But I have to be ready and as of right now, I am nowhere near ready to be in contact with him.
Oh goodness, do I know how hard talking to outsiders becomes. My dad is no longer a fan of my ex-boyfriend, but he says he’ll accept it if we ever get back together. My mother is not as forgiving and has said she wants to strangle him. They’re both so biased that I can’t say anything positive to them without it getting shut down. One of my cousins has been in a similar situation that worked out, so she tries to see both sides and is generally very supportive. However, she still believes I deserve better and we’re not wholly compatible, so that only goes so far. That’s the other hard part. Feeling like you can talk to these people as much as you need to without being a burden. I’ve really just given up discussing my relationship with anyone I see in real life, outside of my case worker, because it usually just ends up making me feel worse.
Those are the exact reasons why I like hearing other people’s opinions. It’s also easier to trust someone’s opinion when they’re in the same/similar position as you because you know they’re not going to lie to you. They’ll call it like they see it because they don’t want to be hurt and they know they’d want someone to tell them the truth if it were all going downhill. I genuinely think things are going to work out for you. Sincerely. I just think it’ll be a slow process that will sadly have to involve lots of limited or no contact periods.
The things is that I don’t think it’s about you being good enough. I think it’s about him not feeling good enough sometimes. That’s a hard concept to understand, but my ex really messed up at one point (he got arrested, long story), and since then he’s never really believe he deserves any good things in his life. That includes me. So he shuts down when he has them, but he’s so good at keeping his emotions held up that he pretends nothing is wrong, even though he’s clearly falling apart. It’s just really sad and in the long run, he probably goes for shitty women for one reason: he thinks he is getting what he deserves.
I think come his birthday, you’ll have a clearer idea of what kind of contact is right. It may just be a brief text. It may be a card in the mail. It may be a full letter. It may be nothing. I wouldn’t stress about that part too much because in that amount of time, things should become clearer. At the very least, your feelings and what you need to do will become clearer.
So he just texted me a little while ago telling me that his break was at 5:30 if I wanted to talk around 5, and it is 6 right now and he just texted me “well now”.
Guys what do I do?
I’m assuming about whatever he wanted to talk about Sunday night. It’s my guilty conscience making me feel bad for ignoring him.
First off, do not feel bad for ignoring him. You’re taking care of yourself and helping him to realize he cannot just use you however he likes. Second, do not feel bad if you do decide to message him. At this point, you just have to decide whether it is in YOUR best interest to be talking to him and whether or not you care what he has to say enough to contact him. I unfortunately can’t answer this one for you :/ I’ll be here to talk about whatever he says though, or to listen if you decide not to contact him and need to talk about it.
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