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Posts
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Hello ellie96
I’ve read your story and I can find some similarities between your story and mine, for example the part where you say:
“I just don’t want him to ever forget me. I don’t want to be some girl. His aunt once told me, that she swears up and down that I am his guardian angel. Because of me, he wouldn’t have been where he is today, he may not even be alive.. He used to tell people that all the time. He would brag to his brothers and lecture them about finding a girl like me..and then he disappeared. And when he did, he had relations with other girls, well in all honesty, are trashy and don’t have any high morals or basically anything like me!!”
When I met my ex she, she was devastated. She had a relationship with an abuser, she got hit, raped, and forced to abort by him… she was unable to touch a male (And she cant be in a crowded place if there are a lot of males around). I started during months helping her, trying to be always by herside, show her that I was different and finally we started our relationship (Hard at the beginning of course, sleeping at separated beds, no physical contact etc until she was ready)
I gave everything to her, I made a lot of sacrifices (One of my hobbies mean to be at crowded places… I gave up on my hobbie just because her problems) and suddenly, after 5 years, she dumped me and she started to act like a completely different girl.
Now she had 4 dates with 4 different strangers during the 29 days after the breakup (And one of them is her new BF, a guy who knows from just 3 weeks ago… she need months to even think about a possible relationship with me), now she upload pics standing in places really crowded… and the worst part, she doesnt care about me or about my feelings, I think that she act like Im a toy on her hands and that she can do whatever she wants with me…
So I guess that you and me are in a similar boat right now. It seems that they suddenly have overcome their problems (Because of our hard work and our help and our sacrifices) and now that theyre healed, they want to do whatever they want and share it with whoever they want… but we are not invited to the “party”.
Well, I’m pretty sure that they’ll miss us sooner or later, because sometimes its hard to find people like us (We sacrificed a lot for the relationship), and If their “Party” ends badly… who will be there this time to collect their pieces? Probably this time we wont be there to do it, they’ll remember us, and who knows if they’ll conctact us
In that case we can only be ready to decide if we want to collect the pieces and give them an opportunity… or leave them in their misery because we are good enough by ourselves (We dont have to give them a chance since we didnt get any chance)
You can find my post here, any comment is appreciated:
@Mr.A I really have no choice at this point. NC is the only thing that is going to benefit me. I have tried. I have given him my all. This constant back and forth just ruins me. I am shocked that I am even taking control! He hasn’t contacted me since “you up”. He is a stubborn person. When I don’t text him back usually, he won’t text me back. But I guess within time he will realize that he actually lost me. Only a couple days of NC isn’t enough to make him realize that this time it is different, and this time he has lost me. Right?
It is weird to think that I have no intention in contacting him at all anytime soon. I just don’t want to talk to him. After dealing with something for so long and letting it impact your life so greatly, you don’t really have a choice but to just stop and begin to truly live your own life.
Yes, throughout the months I have made great improvements, but there is still so much and keeping him in my life just causes more problems! I don’t have time for this anymore.. I have got to focus on me completely. He hasn’t given me much of a choice just to let go..
@Sandorph I do relate. I mean his improvements didn’t really hit again until he started seeing me again. His improvements (in his eyes) were just buying new expensive things and making more money. So that’s not much of an amazing change. You know? He was basically replacing me with things and people. He even admitted that he drank a lot in order to forget and take the pain away after we broke up.
It just isn’t right, you know?
“But I guess within time he will realize that he actually lost me. Only a couple days of NC isn’t enough to make him realize that this time it is different, and this time he has lost me. Right?”
I think you’re completely on point here. At this point, I haven’t completely given up hope but I do think NC is the only thing that’s really going to potentially give you what you want. He’s not going to learn any lesson or realize he needs to grow up and make choices if you’re always there for him, and contacting him really does just seem to hurt you. I’m so glad you’re being incredibly strong and taking care of yourself, even though you’re afraid he could forget about you, like so many of us are. Don’t be afraid! Everything is going to work out, one way or another!
“I mean his improvements didn’t really hit again until he started seeing me again. His improvements (in his eyes) were just buying new expensive things and making more money. So that’s not much of an amazing change. You know? He was basically replacing me with things and people. He even admitted that he drank a lot in order to forget and take the pain away after we broke up. It just isn’t right, you know?”
THIS! This is the thing that’s currently killing me about my situation, and the reason why I completely understand where you’re at. My SO didn’t say anything wanting to try dating other people or needing to figure out on his own that I’m the one, but he did say he needed to try and figure his future out and he wanted to change his life and start over. So far, his starting over has been moving three blocks away, continuing to sit at home on his computer or playing his mandolin like he always did, working the same job, and occasionally playing tennis with the guy friend he stayed with once I kicked him out of the apartment. That’s it. That’s the change. Heck, my case worker says he actually appears to spend more time trying to contact me and make plans and go out of his way to do things for me now that he left me. Guys work in mysterious ways and it’s mind-blowing to me to try and comprehend how neither of our guys can see that breaking up with us doesn’t fix their issue.
Thank you! It is mind blowing! I want to do what is best for me but I also want him to realize as well. I am worth more than being thrown away. You know? Especially since everything we had. I really want to make a difference with this NC for both of us. I hope it works out the way I hope. But I’m mostly doing NC for me. I know by us talking about things, it would do more harm than good. I have no urge to contact him nor do I care as of right now if he contacts me.
Like I said, I hope it works..
But your situation is just flat out mind blowing! Haha! I don’t understand your guy whatsoever!!
That’s the part that I don’t get. Everyone tells me that if I keep talking to him or allowing him to stay in my life without us being in a relationship, he’s “having his cake and eating it too.” And the only thing I can’t help but think is, “No, having his cake and eating it too would be having a relationship with me AND getting more independence and opportunities to explore the world.” And those aren’t mutually exclusive things, which is why I don’t get it. He can have both and should have both and I want him to have THAT damn cake and eat it too.
I think anyone who says that aren’t at least partially doing NC to try and get their guy/gal/what have you back is lying, so it’s good that you can own up to that. What’s even better, on top of that, is that you are motivated to do it for yourself. As hard as it is, I think that’s why NC is such a good route to go by because it means we have to focus on ourselves and how to work things out in case they don’t come back. You’re already making steps if you have no urge to contact him and don’t care if he contacts you. I’m sure it won’t always be that easy, but you’re starting out great and it’s wonderful to see 🙂 I have this gut feeling that it WILL work, but it’ll just take time. I may be too optimistic, but that’s how I see it.
I don’t understand him either. Like I’ve said, I think he was caught off guard when I took him seriously this time and there were consequences. I think he expected this all to blow over. And since it really hasn’t, I think he hesitates a lot to be in contact or communicate with me unless I’m 100% enthusiastic or engaged. And if it’s not him being caught off guard, I just don’t think he even realized what a break up really entails, and has yet to get it through his thick skull that he can have me or he can be away from me, but in the long run he can’t have both. I don’t know. I feel like I’m totally delusional at this point to be talking to him or assuming he cares, but I don’t feel like shutting down and going NC really solves anything either. My brain is too biased to trust itself anymore hah! 😛
You made me laugh at your first paragraph! You sound EXACTLY like me. With my situation, it was “he’s got his cake and he can eat it too”. Because he had me in his life, but he was single. So he still could hang out with his bosses (that he slept with) and coworkers while having me in his life whenever he wanted me around. I was overly available and let him do whatever he wanted. That’s him getting his cake and eating it too. I don’t see where your relationship comes into play with that remark? He isn’t taking advantage of you? He is going out of his way to see you? He wants to be around? He is still upholding your value? So I don’t see how it exactly pertains to you!! Maybe I get the definition wrong or other people do!! Haha!!
Again with your third paragraph, I understand how you must feel! I feel like my ex thinks the same way so now that I’m showing I take it seriously, it may also impact him. You are being delusional. He does care about you. Stop it! Lmfao!!! 🙂
Yes, I definitely don’t think that it will always be easy, but it has become easier. I’ve dealt with it for so long, that I almost have to make it easier. I have too much pride to lie to myself and everyone else about this being partially to get him back. I wouldn’t still be on here if that was true! There is a part of me that hopes that one day we could have something again, but at the same time if it doesn’t, I will be strong enough
You made me laugh at your first paragraph! You sound EXACTLY like me. With my situation, it was “he’s got his cake and he can eat it too”. Because he had me in his life, but he was single. So he still could hang out with his bosses (that he slept with) and coworkers while having me in his life whenever he wanted me around. I was overly available and let him do whatever he wanted. That’s him getting his cake and eating it too. I don’t see where your relationship comes into play with that remark? He isn’t taking advantage of you? He is going out of his way to see you? He wants to be around? He is still upholding your value? So I don’t see how it exactly pertains to you!! Maybe I get the definition wrong or other people do!! Haha!!
Again with your third paragraph, I understand how you must feel! I feel like my ex thinks the same way so now that I’m showing I take it seriously, it may also impact him. You are being delusional. He does care about you. Stop it! Lmfao!!! 🙂
Yes, I definitely don’t think that it will always be easy, but it has become easier. I’ve dealt with it for so long, that I almost have to make it easier. I have too much pride to lie to myself and everyone else about this being partially to get him back. I wouldn’t still be on here if that was true! There is a part of me that hopes that one day we could have something again, but at the same time if it doesn’t, I will be strong enough to let completely go. I don’t plan on being crushed again. I do want this to get his attention. I do want him to have some regret and miss me. I do want him to see my value and want me again. But I always want to be happy enough to be able to live without his acceptance. So yes, I hope it works out where I will get all that from him, while I have improved on myself!
Well guys, he unfollowed me on Instagram! Kinda hurt a little, but I guess that is what I should expect right?
I need a pep talk guys! I felt my heart drop a little! Not upset, just need a pep talk!!
I just responded to what you said on my post with my insight on this. I’m reading this one now and will get back to you on that in a minute!
God I love you lol! I will read what you posted on your post and respond on here so we can focus on you on yours!
Haha I guess I just have different opinions on what him “having his cake and eating it too” is than other people, and if I’m going off of my definition is, I don’t see what the problem with him having or eating the cake is as long as we’re sharing the cake in the long run. I mean, I’m not going to deny that we haven’t been intimate or anything since we broke up. Am I thrilled that I let that happen? Not exactly. Am I sitting here feeling used and thrown away? Definitely not. I’m an adult, I can consent to these things just as well as he can. Plus, admittedly, the first time we had a serious talk about things after we broke up was literally RIGHT AFTER we’d been intimate. If a guy is just using me, wouldn’t he get out of there as soon as the sex was over? No need to talk to me or listen to what I have to say. That might be overly optimistic or he may just be overly nice, but it seems unlikely to me that he’d do that.
I just know that he goes into flight mode when he gets stressed or things aren’t going the way he wants, and in the past, that always translated into him needing desperately to get out of the house or saying he wanted to move out. It hurt every time he did it, but I always dismissed it and blew it off because he never followed up on anything and I figured he would if it was what he really wanted. I also never got mad or upset with him. From that standpoint, I think he just assumed he’d pull that card and I’d blow it off or know it wasn’t true, but I didn’t do that this time. I took him for his word and he was caught off guard. I also think he pulled the break up card in particular because we’d already agreed we weren’t going to live together, and at that point, moving out isn’t much of a threat or a way to fly. I could be wrong, but it makes sense to me.
I definitely feel better because I know I can be happy and confident without him. I’m doing it right now. I’d just rather do it with him. I miss being able to talk to him about anything anytime I wanted, and I miss being able to be physical with him in any capacity.
@between1standa Okay I read what you said! Yes, I completely agree with you! I wanted to unfollow him when I decided to do NC, but I felt it would be immature and unsettling for him if I did so, so I just left it at that (obviously out of care). But I had a feeling he was going to unfollow me, which is why I checked. Which he did, so of course I did it in return.
The reason I was going to unfollow him was because I didn’t want to see his posts and get upset, so I am kind of glad he did it first.
Anyways, I agree that he is doing it for both of those reasons. What my first thought was though that since he did that, he probably will never reach out to me or talk to me.
It is obvious that he has somewhat care towards it though because he went out of his way to unfollow me!
God I just hope this is all the right decision!
If he didn’t care in some capacity, he wouldn’t even take the time to unfollow you because he’d just be unfazed by it all. He’d just skip past your photos when they came up and move on. I know it’s hard to see it that way, but I don’t think there’s anything negative you need to take out of this. It may not necessarily be positive either, but I wouldn’t worry about this meaning he doesn’t care. This stuff just takes time and you doing NC is a great way to handle that time.
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