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Ellie, I think he loves you, but he wants to be free right now. Still he is afraid of you being with someone else. To be honest, I was by myself for 3 years, from 20 to 23. And it’s great! I loved being by myself so whenever I see that is a problem… it’s hard for me. Cause I understand. Even today when my guy said he was alone 4 months and loved it, I totally understand. It does feel great. And that makes me apreciate even more the fact he is back
Also, one thing I noticed before is you seem like you need validation from him, don’t take this as an offense please :/ what I want you to know is you don’t need anyones validation or acceptance! If he eventually just moves on, it doesn’t mean you are anything less! Please realize this. And if you see this isn’t really good for you, don’t settle! Get someone that will truly make you feel great and good emotionally, someone you won’t feel like you are settling for 🙂
Things will work out at the end. You will either get back in the near future, or maybe some months or even a year or more down the line when you are both ready, or you will find someone that is in fact good for you. Also being by yourself maybe wouldn’t be a bad idea. It makes us grow, be more independent, and when THAT person appears (or a grown up ex) you will then decide to invest in it, after you have decided to invest in yourself 🙂
@kaila Oh I know! I COMPLETELY understand and agree and respect that he wants that! Because honestly I LOVE the single life as well! It is just that he played games.. Even if they were unintentional, he messed with my feelings and emotions and it never gave me the opportunity to fully move on and grasp the acceptance.
I am a people pleaser and when I don’t please someone, it damages my selfesteem. So when he doesn’t want me, it hurts my self esteem. However, I have been really working on that!
It is just hard to see or comprehend why my best friend, my first love, and the person I grew up with, doesn’t want me after he wanted me for so long.. He was the one that planned our future, talked about marriage, talked about our kids. 2 days before we broke up he was talking about getting engaged!
I have just gotten to the point where I have accepted that he doesn’t want to be with me. So I feel like I am wasting my time with even speaking to him. Why should I? He doesn’t want me.
I hope it is understanding 🙁
That’s all right. He probably realizes you’re upset and doesn’t know his next move at the time. What’s the longest you two have ever been NC?
Its been like on and off. Like we will be on NC for a couple weeks and then we would text each other here and there. We did that for months. So we never did full fledge, and I was never the one to really start it.
He is a very stubborn person, so at this point he may just be like “fine if she isn’t talking to me, I won’t talk to her”. And he’s probably thinking that I will contact him soon, which I won’t.
If he loves me though and if I kind of dropped off the face of the earth, do you think he will contact me sooner or later?
I can understand how his friends coming into town, especially those particular people, could freak you out a bit. I’m not denying that. It’s just my thought that if he’s at the point of “I got all this, I don’t need her” that he’s probably thinking and feeling that way anyways. And if he doesn’t feel like that, them being there won’t change his feelings. I hate to sound harsh or anything, but if he’s going to forget you, he’s going to forget you. And if he can do that when you’ve been with him for this long and supported him so much, like everyone will say, you deserve better and don’t want to be with him anyways!
I’m probably weird here, but I’m a full supporter of no contact or low contact for a designated time that works for you, not for a month minimum or any of the specifications Kevin has set. If you think NC is working for you, I suggest you keep at it. If your gut tells you to stop or that you genuinely need to contact him, do that too. I think it’s important for him to see what life if like without you, but it’s also important for you to take care of yourself and do what works for you. Making the decision to contact or not contact him is part of that.
From what you tell me, this honestly has nothing to do with you or him not wanting you. Please don’t take it personally because you’re a better human being than that. It sounds like he’s still young, in a really confused spot, and he’s not handling it like an adult. I do think he’ll come around, but it’s one of those issues that you really can’t force him to see. He has to get it on his own, and only time is really going to do that for him. Just focus on taking care of yourself and getting into a more positive frame of mind 🙂
I’ll go check your response now!
It scares me only because I feel he would get so distracted to the point where he wouldn’t care anymore. Which I know it isn’t true, but still.
I feel like I would have to do NC for a while. Maybe even over a month. It is what may be best for me. As of right now, I’m not ready to contact him at all. It has been almost 7 months of the torture and pain and I just can’t deal with it anymore. I can’t be so unhappy anymore (unhappy because I’m not with him and I feel unappreciated). I think the maximum I will wait is until his birthday 2 months from now. I’ll write the letter then. No unless something happens, where I just want to talk to him anymore and I’m happy. (I don’t see that fully happening).
Like I said, we have such a strong bond and close connection. I don’t see how he could forget about me, but it just scares me so bad.
I understand all that and fully agree with that. It just hurts because I am still willing to stay, but I always remind myself that if I didn’t want the break up somewhat too, I would have never left. So I needed too. We both needed time to grow separately. But when you are so close with someone, I just don’t understand how you can leave, party it up, sleep with other people, and practically take advantage of their love. He did all that.
Do you think time a part is going to make him realize and see? Do you think that will do it for him?
Time might be the best thing for him to realize you’re the one. Seeing how he always pops up somewhere to talk you’re obviously on his mind, which is an awesome advantage. Unfortunately, it takes some people more time than others to realize the signs that are right in front of them. Honestly, entering the dating world can really help both of your causes. For you, it can be a distraction so it’s not always him on your mind and also remember word gets around pretty quick so maybe if he hears you’re talking to someone else it will trigger something. By all means he didn’t wait around on you when you two were broke up for 7 months, you shouldn’t have to either. If you two were amazing together, then he’s going to compare you with every girl he talks too. Just remember, don’t put a time-frame on NC. Take as much time as you need to feel better and break it when you feel appropriate. Preferably when he initiates and it is in regards to his feelings for you.
Take as much time as you need with NC. I waited a month and that turned out to be not even close to enough time for both me and my ex to proces everything.
I do not agree though on the ”he’s thinking like this or that” thing.
You said he played games. He plays games because he has this tiny voice in his head that’s telling him that he can’t get better than you, which he already did admit. If he needs to say it out loud he doesnt need you, it sounds like he’s more kind of trying to convince himself of that rather than to confront this tiny voice and aknowledge that he still thinks about you a lot. But then again, everyone is different so I could be wrong. All I know is, either single by choice or because of a break, everyone wants to love and be loved by someone. He might do all of these things to see if it can lessen a feeling of emptiness/feeling like you are not whole. (missing piece could be you?)Then again, I might be wrong and it doesn’t justify his actions.
You have to decide what you would so, stay in contact or go NC. That’s up to you!;)
I have to agree with both KPowers1192 and Mr. A. They both nailed what I would’ve said. The only thing I guess I’d add is that the most important thing you can do is just keep taking care of yourself. As much as I do genuinely believe he’s just going through something he needs to sort out on his own and that he still cares for you, he’s also not treating you very fairly. And your first needs to be/should continue to be making sure that you’re getting and doing what you need. If NC makes you feel better, than honestly, don’t worry about how it might affect you. You have to do what’s best for you. And if you do that, you’ll only feel healthier and be more attractive to him or other guys. You are the special one and the priority here!
I agree with all 3 of you are saying. It is just so hard to believe that the person that I trusted the most and had the biggest connection with, is doing this..
I do know he loves me. There is no way he couldn’t. It is just scary. All of this is so scary to me.. I never in a million years thought I would lose him. I mean just a couple days before we broke up he was talking about getting engaged. He was the one that planned our future. He did all of that. Yeah we did fight a lot, but I was going through things and he was too as we were both being teenagers.
I think this break up definitely had to happen. But I guess we never really took a break from each other.. He always knew he had me. He knew I would never give up because when I make a promise, I keep it.
That’s why I think NC has to happen. We both need it. It has become clear enough that as of right now, he doesn’t want this and I can’t only give him half of me. I have been hurting so much more by holding onto something that as of right now, I can’t have..
I cried so hard on Monday, but ever since that, I haven’t shed a tear. I guess I’m just ready to let go. I’m letting go because this is what he wants and holding on is KILLING me in the process. You can only try hard for so long, you know? Im not giving up, I just have got to focus on myself or I am going to end up hurting myself even more.
I just don’t want him to ever forget me. I don’t want to be some girl. His aunt once told me, that she swears up and down that I am his guardian angel. Because of me, he wouldn’t have been where he is today, he may not even be alive.. He used to tell people that all the time. He would brag to his brothers and lecture them about finding a girl like me..and then he disappeared. And when he did, he had relations with other girls, well in all honesty, are trashy and don’t have any high morals or basically anything like me!!
I just wonder why they were good enough, but I wasn’t? Why his boss was worth being with over me? Why he left me for so many people that don’t care about him and would NEVER do the things I do for him? (Coworkers) Basically, why wasn’t I good enough? After so long..after so much..
Here I am today, with him “living it up” and drinking, partying, sleeping with other people, possibly doing drugs, and I still support him. When we started being the way were last week, he opened up to me. He hasn’t done that since we first started dating. I made sure he knew I was there for him and he was so appreciative. We haven’t fought or anything, and now this…
That’s why I am like this. When your “best friend” does this, you feel so lost and betrayed.
I know that my distractions will never take away my love for him, but then I wonder, would they take away his love for me? My memory? Our connection? Will it all be taken away by other people and will we never talk again? Will he ever miss me? Do I even matter enough?
That’s why I have always been so scared to take charge of the situation, but I have no other choice now..
My whole thing is, you have one life to live. You need to live it with the people who care the most about you. Distinguish between the people who want to be there permanently and the ones who don’t care if they are temporary or not.
Not only me, but my family gave him so much, yet that wasn’t good enough. But people who will never have us much love and wouldnt do anything for him, they have the upper hand. He chose them. It is a massive self worth blow..
Your entire last post was spot on, except for the part about it being a massive self-worth blow. It shouldn’t be, although I know that’s easy for me to say. Ultimately, it just shows that you and your friends/family are really quality people, and he’s not deserving of you. At least not at this point in time. I know this is unbearably painful, and because of that, I hope you’ll take really good care of yourself and use any of us as a distraction as much as you need to. But I think taking a step back and showing him that he only gets you if he wants the full you is really going to do wonders for your pain and your relationship as a whole in the long run. Hugs, girl. I know this is super rough. I’m here if you want to talk.
I’ve had a really rough past. Dealing with Bipolar II disorder (which is a form of major depression) and sucidial thoughts/actions. So when everything happened between us (I was already going back into my suicidal state -which he knew nothing about- before we broke up) it made the depression worse, and yes, it destroyed my sense of self worth because the one person who I thought loved me for me wasn’t there. Which as the time, that’s how I saw things. Now looking at it, I can see how I shouldn’t take anything personal within our problems because it really doesn’t have anything to do with me, it just has to do with his own problems and him dealing with how he is trying to grow.
It is surprising how calm I am compared to Monday and many times before then. I have gotten so much stronger. I definitely take on life differently, and I am really working on myself. I’ve been really focusing on toning at the gym! Which is nice! And I am trying to get some ideas for some hobbies! Plus my over 40 hour work weeks!
It would just be nice to know that I am doing the right thing in the sense of this will create realization for him, and not only build him but build his views on me and how I really tried.
I started to see the real him and the guy I fell in love with this last couple of weeks. When we broke up, he obviously went down the wrong path (with his internal family completely supportive even though they love me – they just aren’t the classiest and respectful of people). I was the only good support system he had. The only good influence he had.
I just hope this will help, I really do.
Some people have to hit rock bottem before they are able to see what they’ve done. When there’s nothing left to hold on to, he will think about his life choices and see that his prime time was with you. It can be though for the both of you, that’s why you probably need the NC so you don’t witness his self destructive (both physicly and personality wise, especially the latter) way of life. It won’t help you get over him, it will only make you feel more down and helpless. Keeping in touch will only bring his misery in your life and the odds that you get anything positive in return at this point is very unlikely to me, considering your story. He knows you are good for him, focus on your own life and improve yourself in any way possible. He will pay attention to you but keep the NC for now, he will see that you are not good to him, but perfect. (Atleast, that’s the thing I hope he would see! 🙂 )
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