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So me and my ex were in a 2 year relationship, both being our first relationship, however she broke up with me three weeks ago over the phone which left me devastated. Me and her were having troubles with her moving on campus and changing to the college lifestyle (drinking, drugs, etc) which I was not a accustomed to and had trauma with from my childhood. But in my eyes I was making an effort, I went from not wanting to be with someone who did those things to taking her out and letting loose myself. However, she still felt like I was a hawk (controlling) and i would never get over my trauma/fears. Eventually after asking for a balance in our relationship( I would start focusing on me and giving her space and reconnect with my friends and family) she asked for a break. I was completely confused and crushed, she was saying we’re on different paths and I’m not what you need, and it will be ok if you find someone else. Amid my crying I reassured her that I only wanted her and made it clear by the promise ring I gave her that I wanted her forever. But she left saying maybe in a month we will talk or a few weeks. She left my house saying she loved me and we will meet again and then turned off all location services we had together. I didn’t know which way was up and I was devastated. I sent her a big long message saying how much I love her and everything I appreciated about her. The next day was horrible I couldn’t eat or concentrate in school. At work I broke down and texted her saying I couldn’t do this anymore and that I want to be together without the unknown. She just kept saying Idk when we’ll talk, I love you, I got to work on me, and she couldn’t be focused on this now because she had a conference to go to for school. The next day at work I asked if it was ok to call her when she got back home, she said call now if you want, I asked if it was ok to get my stuff I left over at her place and I broke down again saying I can’t do this and everyone leaves me and the last time we tried a break she said we would just break up cause it was pointless. She told me I’m not giving her space but we could talk when she got back home that night, so she called me saying that I was selfish, I ruined her weekend and conference, I was trying to manipulate her and she needs to chose her. She said if I would only waited two days with no contact we would of talked but that I screwed up and everything was my fault and if I had waited we would be together. Of course she said we could be friends and she’ll always be here, It broke everything in me, I cried for weeks. A couple days after, I seen her on campus and I apologized for everything but she accepted it and blew me off and went to class. We then started talking on thanksgiving, mostly small talk about her family and stuff. However out of the blue she texted me saying we had to talk that night while I was at work, so I agreed and said I’ll let you know when out of work. So after my shift I texted her again and she said nevermind. I was so confused, I aske did something happen and she said no. And it’s fine. I was broken all over again. From then on she started blocking me on social media, deleting pictures, and changing her status on fb. Anything we had that was for the two of us got changed quickly. I then seen sadly that she was now on bumble/tinder with pictures I took of her. Judging on her Twitter she seems happy: posting things like happy to get out of that toxic relationship, me are trash, “of course you mess me I wasn’t the problem”. She posted that she’s happy for her support system and that she’s thriving and happy to have grown. But I’m still broken and I want to make it up so bad, I see the errors of my ways and have been going to therapy, working out, journaling, and reconnecting with friends and my old hobbies. But the overshadowing statement that I screwed up and if I just had given space. But now what should I do? Is there any way to reconcile? Should I reach out to talk in person given all these interactions have been on the phone and text? I’m so lost and I love her with everything in me. We talked about life after college and marriage and our future. What should my next step be for reconciliation?
@dmanw09 She refers to the “toxic” relationship, so that’s how she felt about it as you seemed too controlling. Continue seeing the therapist for your controlling tendencies to find out why you do it and how to stop negative behaviors. She wanted to talk, but again you pushed too hard and didn’t give her the space she asked for.. You have to learn to control your emotions and therapy will help you do that if you stick with it.. She’s happy on campus and you should be happy for her. Start no contact, attend therapy, and in a few months – reach out to ask how she’s doing. I’m sorry for your situation, but you have much work to do on self-improvement. Stop obsessing about her and focus on yourself for now..
Update.
Thanks for the reply, it’s been hard every day knowing you screwed up but eye opening on how I can change for the better. I sent her one of the elephant in the room text apologizing since it’s been a month since the breakup. She replied saying thanks for the apology, I haven’t forgiven you fully, we can be friends but don’t think anything can come of it cause she don’t want to be hurt again and I can come get my stuff at anytime. So we have been having small talk about school and what has happened to each other over the past month. I’m doing everything in my power to change for me and working with therapy groups and a counselor to fix my control problems. What now??? Cause I don’t want to just be her friend or whatever and have to watch her get with another guy.@dmanw09 So far, so good. Make arrangements to get your stuff, but when you do, don’t beg about getting back together! She definitely needs and wants space away from you and you need to respect her request! Don’t contact her too much or it will come across as desperation. And don’t initiate talks about reconciliation because it will come across as trying to control her. If at some future point, she wants to discuss it, then you can add what you plan to do in order to make a better “relationship” possible.
You can’t control her thoughts and behaviors! I know you don’t want to be friend-zoned, so I suggest you not contact her too often! Since she hasn’t fully forgiven you, she needs much more time alone away from your texts, calls or whatever– in order to allow the bad memories to fade. The breakup was only 3 weeks ago. Every time you contact her this soon after the breakup (the bad memories are still on her mind) she will be reminded of those memories, so give her more space.
She may or may not reconsider her decision at some later time.. but if you pressure her, it will drive her further and further away. Whether or not she decides to get with another guy is completely out of your control. And anything you say or do to try and interfere with her decisions will have a very negative impact..
Thanks so much for the reply and help, when I go to get my things should I say anything or just get them and leave. Also after getting my things how should I initiate trying to meet up with her and when could I do that, I know that we will be back home for Christmas break the 12th until the new year. I really wanted to go to a local coffee house, ice skating, or looking at lights while we can talk. But I don’t know how I would go about carefully putting that in action.
@dmanw09 You’ve said enough already. Just pick up your things and thank her for keeping them safe for you or something like that..
I don’t think she’s going to be in the mood to go out with you this soon after the breakup and the bad memories are still fresh in her mind. Think about it; she won’t be in a good mood to fully enjoy herself. The breakup was only 3 weeks ago and even by the end of the year it will have been less than 6 weeks. Suggesting a meetup will seem too aggressive and pushy. Focus on your therapy; improving your controlling tendencies and any other problem areas that contributed to the breakup.
I think you’re going to have to back off and let her be the one to initiate a possible outing (if she wants to), but don’t get your hopes up. Give her more space and be more patient!
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