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Well, two months ago she has been found cancer but its curable, she’s going through chemo right now and I’ve been very supportive to her, I have even got her hair to make her a wig. Her family loves me and the last time I went to the hospital her grandmother hugged me and started to cry thanking me for all that I was doing for her. She was very weak and was thinking all day about all his problems so she constantly apologized to me for not being in a “relationshipy” mood and promised me that when she felt better she would make it up to me.
We were going out for almost 7 months and all of a sudden within a couple of days she went really weird and because a couple of things I have said/did she got really mad at me and said that we needed to talk and two days after that broke up with me.
She said that on that week she “realised” that “she couldn’t go out with someone like me” and that there was this major imcompatibility that I had a “couple mind” and that she didn’t, so I always treated her like my first priority and she didn’t. She also said that we weren’t the same the last months and that I was going too fast for telling all my family about her. (but it was 7 months right?)We broke up the 30th of December. Our anniversary was the 31st so it was (almost) 7 months.
We broke up in good terms, I mean, after that she teached me how to make a crane and I was like “wtf are we doing? We have just broke up and we’re making a crane together”. I texted her for New Year’s Eve and she texted me back very friendly. Since then we never texted each other again so I’m going through NC.
What really shocked me was how quickly everything went down and the fact that she promised me that we would last and we talked and planned the next year together the week before this! I know she loves me, I’m not denying myself it’s just that I really know that and I love her more than anything. I talked to everyone and they all agree that it was a rage of the moment and that she didn’t mean it, that she was going through a LOT and she couldn’t handle a relationship anymore, that she doing me a “favor” freeing me of this difficult time and trying not to hurt me more.
What I don’t know is how long do I have to wait during the NC because she told me that on that week she was dealing with very serious problems that we never got to talk because “they were very complicated” and on the same day we broke up she came accross a bigger problem that she couldn’t tell me because it was a long story and I wouldn’t understand it.
I don’t think she is capable of thinking of me or anyone on these months because she’s going through chemo and she told me that “there’s a chance to get back after ALL this” and she has 4 months to go of chemo. So I don’t know how long is okay to wait, 4 months? 6 months till she gets recovered? We are studying german together (that’s were we first met) and this year we were to attend the same group. But with her recovery I don’t think she would start this year and I don’t know when I’m ever going to see her again or talk to her. Or even know if she’s alive.
Please I need advise, there’s been a week since I started NC and if I talk to her in like a month she would be still on chemo, with a LOT of problems and she would think that I’m a stupid who’s only interested on getting her back. So I don’t know WHEN it’s right to talk to her in this situation!
If she said you werent right for each other because she wanted to take it way slower than you, and you already had the “couple mindset” then that just means it you guys didnt have a good enough conversation in the beginning about your expectations and what speed each of you are fine working at.
You are right, a relationship isnt going to be her #1 priority, but show her that if she wanted to start over, that you are a good fit for her. She was attracted in the beginning, and she can be attracted again.
Also. (Sorry for the multiple replies) but you shouldnt revolve around your gf even when she is healthy. You need to maintain a healthy life that is your own. Dont cancel on friends. Dont skip work to hang with her. I have said this plenty of times, and Im going to keep saying it:
A relationship has three lives. Your life. Her life and the couple life. Bring her into your life. She can bring you into hers. Then, in the life of the couple is where you two connect, spend quality time and strengthen your relationship.
I’m sorry what is LC?
Yes, I realised that we didn’t have a conversation about our expectations and that is in part my fault. She always wanted “her space” but I dind’t understand that till we broke up. She said that for her a relationship isn’t her 1st priority unles it’s really serious, but she’s young and free and she wants to hang out with friends and stuff like that. What happened is that I always treated her like my 1st priority and took care of her, showed her my love and was always for her. She KNOWS how much I love her and she surely is calm knowing that she’ll always have me and I’ll always love her no matter what.
When we broke up and she told me that “there’s a chance, after ALL this, when we both are better” and then I told her “okay, so maybe when I see you again…” and she started “NO, are you planning it? Oh my god, you are planning it, you’re going to wait, then you’re going to start flirting again…” So she’ll be at defense that next time I text her she’ll think it is to get back together.
She can’t go anywhere because she has to stay at home because of the chemo, so the “in person” meeting or “hang out with common friends” is out of the question, or at least until she gets better and even in that situation I don’t think she’ll want to show everyone she’s bald. The last couple of months it was all me visiting her to the hospital during chemo and going to her place to cheer her up and cuddle together and talk about what we would do when this is all over. What I’m trying to say is that probably with all of this happening she isn’t going to have time to think what she did to me. She has BIGGER problems and I totally understand that. This sounds so selfish but I need to know when it’s right to contact her, even the last week she was very busy to answer.
Everyone tells me that she did it for us, that she knew (and she told me she knew) that I was getting hurt with all this and her indifference to me and that she couldn’t keep up with the relationship so she searched the first excuse to break up with me. She always told me how happy she was with me and how grateful that’s why this is so shocking. But on the day we broke up she was another girl, like she has already moved on and said things like “oh, like you’ll never find another girl” “I can’t go out with someone like you, you’re not my type” like in the last weekend she discovered the “nirvana” that we weren’t meant to be and decided to break up. I mean, she wasn’t the same, but she loves me, I KNOW that. She’s very proud and shy so i’tll be difficult for her to swallow her pride and talk to me by herself, but on the other hand she’ll miss me like I miss her right now.
This is all very sad, I don’t know if it’s okay to wait for her to recover or try to get back, even if I contact her, she won’t be ready for a relationship, mentally and physically.
You should just live your life and learn to be happy without her.
And I am talking about after this cancer ordeal is long gone. She is not in a position to think about anything other than getting better.
Call her a couple times a week or visit once a week. Dont disappear but dont smother her either. And no matter the method of communication, never speak as if she is more than a friend. And certainly get your selfishness under control. She has told you what she needs. Accept it, for now. Only stay in the pic through Light Contact (LC).
Work on expanding your life outside of her.
Thank you so much, I’m trying to live my life and do my things, maybe I’m too worried now that it’s been a week and a half since we broke up and the thought of losing her forever freaks me out. I know that this takes time and everyday I’m better, I need time to heal and I suppouse that her needs time to heal and to recover herself. I can be happy without her, I know that, I was happy before I met her, but I made plans with her and rearranged my life and suddenly my life changed and now there’s a hole where she was.
I know that we are a little different in the things she mentioned, but we are identical in a LOT of other things that on that day, she didn’t see, she focused on the bad things and dind’t leave a chance to work things out, it was her decision. What I fear is that maybe she sticks to that speech forever and although she’s partly right I don’t think there’s nothing we can do. We can rebuild the relationship and be happy as we were.I decided to go NC for at least a month because I wasn’t prepared to talk to her and I needed to heal, but now it’s been 31 days and I wonder how to approach through LC, because she basically told me to “leave her alone” for a while and if I contact her she would think “Oh no, he doesn’t understand that it’s over” and I just want to know about her health. What can I do? I don’t want to do anything stupid, or to ruin my chances.
Waiting until the end of the treatment would be too much time and besides, she decided to continue without me so I don’t think visiting is a good idea, it would be VERY awkward.i cant totally speak for her. i just finished chemo and radiation after my almost 1 yr battle with cancer.
believe me, she doesnt want to feel like a dependent. she probably doesnt want people to feel sorry for her, i didnt. i told my than bf (of 5 years) to leave me because it is beyond stressful and emotional, a lot of relationships do not last through cancer(mine ended after treatment)
its a very scheduled process being involved in the cancer bubble and sometimes its hard to see into the future when you are living your life in between chemo, appointments, surgery, feeling sick, losing hair, gaining and losing weight. believe me even the best and most confident people lose themselves.
its also hard to maintain a relationship (though it can be done!) because having cancer makes you selfish (and it should!). she needs to take care and think of herself as #1 and maybe shes worried that your relationship will fizzle because of it and all the side effects.
shes definately dealing with a lot, i would say text her and see how she is doing if your no contact is up. if you show your still there regardless of your status she may come around.She told me hundreds of times “I don’t understand why I complain about this… I will be completely fine in less than a year” but she’s going through a lot all the same. On the week we broke up she was very unstable emotionally and I totally understand her situation. She told me “I need to focus on myself right now” and that she didn’t want me to treat her differently.
So, I understand that is a very difficult situation and in spite of everything I did for her she decided to stay away from me. I will try to respect her decision. Sometimes I feel she broke up with me because she was feeling under pressure, and sometimes I feel she was looking for a moment or a reason because she had it all planned.
I really appreciate your opinion because it gives me an insight of what is she going through. I feel that if I contact her she will get mad at me “he doesn’t understand it’s over” or something like that. or… maybe she’s like “It was time he texted me”. I will try to show her that I care about her but surely she would think that I just feel lonely and want to come back or something like that. Please, I need help with this.
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