September 9, 2020 at 3:49 am #115502
Basically I met this girl online and we hit it off incredibly well, it was magical. A month into meeting eachother we started dating, something she proposed. She was the first to say she loved me and the first to propose being a couple. Fast forward a couple of weeks later, she says out of nowhere that she wants us to be friends with benefits because she feels a bit lost in her life and doesn’t know if she’s good enough for me. Then, a week after, she says we should just be friends, because she “Wanted me to be happy, and she wasn’t for me.”
At the time I just agreed to it cause it was the first time something like this had happened. I did a very short no contact period (like 5 days) just to try to clear my mind. After that we just kept talking and stuff, but my feelings for her hadn’t diminished. We met a couple of times during this friend time and I could feel that the attraction was still there and she was holding herself back. One night I just felt overwhelmed and sent her a really long text about how I felt like crap being kinda stuck in the middle, not knowing how to approach her, and feeling confused about her position in this whole thing.
She said that the only thing that she could offer me was a friendship because she was focusing on her own life, which she felt she had left on the backburner for a long time. She also said that it was not my fault, that I had done nothing to push her away, and that “80% of the issues” were on her side. She then said that what I had told her was a lot to process, and that we shouldn’t stay in contact.
I said that I understood her position, and that we should cut contact for a while. We both agreed on a month of No-Contact, ending around early October. I’m on day 7 now.
Basically I’d like to know if I’m on the right track, doing this no contact thing while we were “friends”. Granted, I realize that when I end no contact it’ll be basically starting from scratch, and as of now, I still want her back. Sometimes I get the urge to text or talk to her, because I don’t feel as emotionally needy or broken as when I felt after the initial breakup.
Hopefully that wasn’t too convoluted, I’ll appreciate any advice or comments. Thanks!September 9, 2020 at 2:38 pm #115509
@NMJuan So it seems you actually knew each other (in person) about 6 weeks total. She seems very confused and needs time to clear her head. Since you both agreed to no contact for a month, you need to keep your word and honor the agreement.
What do you think the “issues” were? Yours and hers..
Actually, since she said she needs to focus on her life and left it on the back burner for a long time, she might need longer to think. What do you think she meant by “back burner”? Did you two see each other much too often, thus monopolizing each others time?
I get the impression that you’re both very young (?)
Try to stay positive without obsessing about the situation, but don’t be shocked if she only wants a friendship after no contact.
Good luck:)September 9, 2020 at 2:57 pm #115510
@patricia12 Hey! Thanks for your reply. Today has been a particularly tough no contact day haha.
Reading back on my post the timeline does seem pretty weird. We started talking online for like a week, then we met twice, just hanging out, and on the third time we had sex and we started dating. I’d say we dated seriously for like a month and a bit more, then we did the friends thing for about 2 weeks before I broke down.
Yes, the main thing that’s keeping me going is that I want to keep my word, I don’t wanna be wishy-washy in that respect. She still checks my IG stories and likes my posts, so that also reminds me of her presence.
If I were to take her word for it, I assume her “issues” is she has a lot of problems trusting people and showing vulnerability, because her last relationship cheated on her and such. I on the other hand am quite open. To the point were it becomes a bit overbearing. I realize we went super fast and that a lot of that could’ve affected things. Sometimes I get upset because she could’ve told me these things and I could’ve slowed down, but whenever I asked her if she was alright with our pace she said it was fine, that she loved me, etc etc.
At the start we saw each other very often, like two or three times a week, yeah, because quarantine was ongoing and we had a lot of free time, we also texted all the time for the same reason. When she started working again we saw eachother about once a week, maybe twice.
I am 25 and she’s 27. We both gave eachother birthday presents.
After no-contact, and depending on my state of mind, I just want to focus on the connection that we had. I honestly believe we had tons of things in common, and even if it’s just a friendship, I’d like to keep it. We’ll see how things turn out.
September 9, 2020 at 11:16 pm #115512
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by NMJuan.
@NMJuan I understand the happiness and passion of a new relationship, but you should have started out more slowly or slowed the pace. And texting too often on top of seeing each other in person can be overwhelming and also seem invasive, even though she may have initiated much of contacts.
You wrote:”I on the other hand am quite open”. What exactly do you mean by that and how did you display it? Overbearing in what way? It would help to give examples..
After no contact, start slowly and don’t quiz her about her feelings or pressure her into an answer about the status of the ‘relationship’. Instead, go with the flow and let her lead the discussion about those sensitive areas and then respond appropriately.September 9, 2020 at 11:28 pm #115513
@patricia12 Yeah, I really should’ve tried to slow things down, but I was blinded by love. Thanks again for replying!
What I meant by me being open is exactly that. I’m kind of an open book regarding how I feel and think, and express myself confidently in that regard. And by overbearing I meant that perhaps, since she gave me all the signs that things were fine and that she was okay with the pace of things, I jumped into “relationship” mode too quickly and started showering her with too much affection and attention. I’m a very loving person.
At the same time she also did a lot of things for me that made me feel like she was just as committed as I was, like moving around her schedules and such we could meet, something I did as well.
I don’t think I would classify myself as insecure or needy while we were good, just very commited to the relationship, which maybe she realized she wasn’t ready for.
A lot of this seems like mostly conjecture, but in general I think both of us were caught up in the tornado of love. She just felt overwhelmed first and pulled the trigger.
And yeah! When I talk to her again I just want to have good rapport and see how things go. I wanna focus on our connection and forget about checking the “relationship” check mark.September 10, 2020 at 5:08 pm #115515
@NMJuan Sounds like you’ve learned a valuable lesson. Never let the throws of passion and excitement overpower your common sense. Take things slow in the beginning of any ‘relationship’. After months not weeks, when you both have more confidence in the stability of the it, is the time to mutually agree that you want to see and contact (text + call) each other more often.
Good luck and keep us posted:)October 13, 2020 at 6:19 pm #115549
Hello, it’s been a little more than a month since my last post. Things have been…confusing.
I contacted my ex a little before the stablished period me set because I was moving to a new apartment and I felt like asking her for some interior design tips would’ve been a good idea. I must admit that the decision to text her was kinda nervewracking, but I didn’t wanna lose this chance. She answered pretty qickly and gave me some advice. We exchanged news and all that. She said her life was a bit messy and that she was working and studying all the time, which made it so she couldn’t eat or sleep right. This was a bit of a odd message, and I told her if she needed help with anything, she could contact me, but she said that she’d find a way.
Since then we’ve stayed in touch. I initiate most of our interactions, which are mostly warm at first then they get cold. I feel like I don’t quite know her as she is now, and like if I did, I’d have an easier time interacting with her. A few days after moving she sent me a message saying she apologized for not helping me with the move, and then repeated what she said about being busy and all. I told her it was alright, and that she could come by for some tea and stuff. She said she was too busy.
Now I feel like I’m in a bit of a crossroads. I sent her a few texts answering something she said (she was apologizing for not answering something because she was working and asking me how I was) and she hasn’t replied. I feel a little bit like a loser always starting conversations and trying to remember that she “forgets” about her phone, which is something she told me she did when she was really busy.
On one hand, I wanna try doing a longer no contact period after this, now that we are in touch and “okay”, to see if she can start initiating contact with me and so we can be on equal footing. But on the other, I feel bad not doing anything and just passively letting time pass. I get a lot of ideas of things to talk about and to send her, but the wait and the uncertainty of not knowing if I’m doing the right thing just sucks. I really don’t know where to take it.October 14, 2020 at 1:45 am #115550
@NMJuan You were supposed to do no contact until early October. How long ago did you break your word and contact her? You could have waited to let her know about your new apartment because it was not an emergency to get in touch with her! And the question regarding decorating tips could have waited too..
When you invited her to come by your place for tea and stuff, her reply of being too busy was probably true due to work and studies. Does she work full time?? What is she studying?? College??
Yes, you’re coming on too strong again and since you’re the one initiating most of the contacts, that’s a sign she’s busy or doesn’t want so much contact. And you are texting too much!!!
Try no contact again and give it time and don’t contact her again unless she contacts you first!!October 15, 2020 at 3:58 pm #115561
I broke No Contact about a week before our set date. She congratulated me for my apartment and she seemed really warm.
She works full time and is on the last year of a Design program, though I don’t think it’s college. She also goes to the gym and does martial arts.
While I think reducing the texting is a good idea, perhaps No Initiation will be a better than No Contact. I mean, we are amicable towards each other, things just need to be more balanced, I suppose.
October 16, 2020 at 2:01 am #115563
- This reply was modified 1 week ago by NMJuan.
@NMJuan What I meant by no contact is NO contact until she initiates something! Even then, do NOT bombard her with messages as it does sound like she’s very busy..
When is the end of the design program? I imagine she will then be studying for a final exam or a state exam of some sort.October 16, 2020 at 9:51 pm #115567
I don’t really know when the her program ends. But well, I guess we’ll see. I really hate having to go back to no contact, but I really don’t know what else to do besides that, doing no contact, and just sending her occasional invitations to hang out. Man this sucks
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