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Hi everyone,
My ex left me 9 months ago. We had been dating for about a year and a half. We both had a deep deep love for each other and had talked about marriage and a future together. She suddenly dumped me 9 months ago after a series of fights about my jealousy and not being honest about my past, and after she had cheated on me with another guy. I went a full thirty days no contact before contacting her. I’ve contacted her probably 4 times in the last 9 months. The last time I contacted her I basically wished her well, told her I wanted her to be happy and told her I wouldn’t be attempting to make contact anymore. She replied later that day, the first time I’d heard from her since she dumped me basically telling me she wouldn’t ever want to be back with me, that she was trying to forgive me, and to not reply to her message or contact her further. Obviously I didn’t, and basically my message was just to tell her I’d come to some relative peace about her and I.
SO HERE ARE MY QUESTIONS
What do I do going forward? I still love this girl deeply. Do I go 100% no contact permanently? I’ve grown a lot since I’ve lost her and learned a lot about myself. But even through that my heart still is wound up in my ex. She’s stubborn as a mule and I don’t know what my course of action is. Obviously I want to respect her privacy and not contact her per her request. But I guess I’m just lost. Do I make my social media super private so she’s more curious? Or do I leave it open so she can see more of my life? When we were together we spent every waking moment together, so for me there are still places I drive by everyday, or things that I do that remind me of her. I know in some way she’s probably still thinking of me too. And I know she truly loved me. I ran into her mom around Christmas and her mom told me that her daughter was still in a lot of pain over me. I’ve accepted that my chances of having her back are incredibly slim and that even if she does miss me that doesn’t mean she wants me back. I just need advice for trying to get her back after all this time has passed. I hope that you all can read this without judgement, I know that the relationship I had with this gal wasn’t perfect but there was real love between us. Thanks in advance for any advice!Our stories match up quite a lot, I had been with her 3 years and she left me beginning of January saying the same thing, we will never be together again, she hates me, never contact her again. But I know she was madly in love with me. Did you try Ryan system? I READ that (tho I have yet to purchase the system, just until no contact is up) it works even after 5 years, as long as you do it correctly. I made my FB. Completely private and am very careful about who I add because she is tricky and would set up a fake profile of someone I know to get me to add her for 5 minutes to look at it. If you have taken a personal inventory, sincerely looked at the relationship and where you were wrong and tried to change, leave random posts public that will show youre enjoying life, doing great and genuinely happy person that she fell for in the first place and keep ANY lovey stuff, or things that show neediness and insecurity only visible to you. Im not expert, but I understand. Our struggle is the same.
Well I am in same shoes,so reallyc cant give you advice,infact I will look forward for any replies.
I am sorry and I know how it feels,mine is also close to 9/10 months and I started doing NC from Jan 13To tell you the truth which we will eventually accept that there are very very slim chances of our ex coming back.I understand that our heart doesn’t want to accept the fact but if you do the math and time missed,in any scenario it is not a good thing that has happened.And esp getting dumped feels that it was us who were in fault.
Good luck my friend and hope someone replies here,and I am not trying to take your space here but in same shoes as you.
@ Scottie,the question really is ” how to move forward and get ex back ” and yours is very recent(jan 15) so your chances are very high compared to me and @ Jax where it will be almost a year soon.
I don’t know how social media will affect this when other party doesn’t even care to text or call or email for 1 minute.
I am also very confused as Jax and let me tell you the truth that I have lost all hope and its been 70 days of NC and my g/f only emailed me once asking for her resume in all this 70 days of time.
I have changed myself but how do I show my changes to her ?
Lets be logical. Our women left us for a reason. They didnt just wake up and say “I think im gonna break his heart today” did they? Yes, women mess up too, but we, or at least I, must admit my mistakes were a lot worse thAN hers and hers were pretty much a direct result of my initial screw-ups. How many times did you apologize for the same mistake/s? I had to apologize multiple time for the same Fuck ups. And she gave me chance after chance for about a year, making the same mistakes a few times a month. Didnt we really push them away? What choice did we leave them? Other than we were still willing to try and not give up, they chose to end it and the hurt. Shouldnt we honestly look at our mistakes and do some serious brainstorming to find ways to change our behavior and ways of thinking that caused us to make those mistakes? I garentee, if you both spent over a year with your love, and the love was real, its still there. Even if its just a little its there. We need to show them that the men who crushed and pushed them to their breaking points is dead, that not only are we willing to do the work, but that we put in the time to be the men they deserve, the one who she can loom at and think “he wont hurt me”. Whyd they chose us in the first place? Was it not partially because they saw room for improvement and wanted to be the one who helped us in that?
@kalicooldude
I wishinhad better advice, or some idea as to how you could help her cope with and heal from the hurt she still feels… My love and I have a child together so I have my opening and my time to show her the change. Maybe her mom (if youre on good enough speaking terms with her) has an idea? She doesn’t want to see her daughter suffer. Make it innocent tho, “I dont want her to be sad, do you think we could find a way for me to help her heal from the pain I caused?” you dont want to make her or her mother fell that you are simply looking to get back together, but that you care and want to help her and yourself heal from the relationship, be okay again.. Just an idea. Also she has changed her number and doesn’t allow me to see our child right now, calls me a deadbeat dad and invites her friends to publicly insult me as a person and a father. I dont think or believe my chances are much higherHi Scottie @
Update as of today.
First thank you for your kinds words and inspiration,i appreciate it.
After almost 70 days of NC…I emailed my g/f yesterday asking about her friend,who have texted me 2 weeks back for rental house.
My ex emailed me back after couple of hours giving me her number and asking me how I am doing and how are things at my end ?
I replied after couple of hours also and was very limited and said everything is going fine and I have been busy with work.
In reply to my email to her I also asked about her well being and family ?NO response received yet,it was last night so still waiting to hear from her.
Today,I am meeting in person my ex g/f best friend to show her the rental house.
Any thoughts about how to proceed ? I know I have to take it slow and be patient and slowly build up attraction and communication.
Thanks
Hi Scottie…in your case take it slow and be a good daddy,no matter what you have to go thru in the end you will see your life worth and all the pain will eventually go away.
I understand your pain very well,but be strong.
Its hard. Ive taken it slow, done personal inventory and been doing a lot of work on personal flaws. So much work tone the man she deserves and still she’s cold to me.
I feel like Im heading in the same direction as you guys. Its been 5/6 months since my ex left me. The reason for the break up was a job he accepted in Europe for 2 years. We had been together for 5. He says at this point he needs to concentrate on his job and not worry about anyone else. I’m slowly trying to build attraction again.. because he still wants to be in communication with me…but the huge obstacle is the distance. I want to hope he can change his mind over there..but I also worry I may be waiting till he gets back.
I think you guys are doing well by taking things slow. its a step by step process but its so hard, when you know what you had before was so much more.
@kalicooldude I think she wants to catch up and see how you’ve been. Just try to put your best self forward. Act confident and show her when you see her that you’ve been doing well@jax I would say that im surprised she is still acting hostile towards you after all that time. I think maybe she was angered by your email that was basically saying im giving up on you? even though she is the one that left, maybe that email ticked her off again… im not sure.
you cant really actively try to get your ex back if you cant talk to her. so it sounds like you either have to just wait and see if she wants to talk to you and if she does she will reach out… but since it sounds like that’s not really a good option maybe you can try to text or email her to say that you would like her in your life and it would be nice to meet in person. idk im the kind of person that wouldn’t listen to my ex if he told me to never talk to him again… I know him better than anyone and I know he would just be putting up a front. maybe she is doing the same
@ Ly88 when does he comes back from Europe ? And how long you are willing to wait for him.
As this is long distance ? Why did he break up ?
Have you done NC not 30 days atleast 60 days or above,kevin says that worst scenario it can from 2 months-6 months.@kalicooldude so we were together 5 years and during that time we were always in the same place. He took the job beginning of sept and we broke up start of October. At first he said he wanted us to be together, but he changed his mind saying he didn’t realize how hard it would be… I think he just had a freak out about this big of a life change. He left for Europe in December and he said his contract would be for at least 2 years.
Yeah I first did 3 weeks of nc right after the break up… but then I just finished 3 months of nc and started talking to him again. Im just scared he wont think he has the time to be in a relationship with me while he is still there..because apparently he is super busy. Honestly I would probably wait 2 years till he came back.. obviously I would hope that he might change his mind before then. Im trying to show him im positive and doing well..
@ Ly88
Be patient and take things very slowly.Also sometimes if he got broken up bad with relationship he might have decided to move away from you and the pain.If I didn’t had the daughter with my ex wife I should have also left the US and go back to my home country.
So I would say if he is still responding and you are taking it very slow you still have hope and your saying of that you will wait for 2 years does show that you really love him and I wish you the best.NC will work and take it slow,learn from tiger ( slow and have an eye on your target)
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