No contact working or being played?

Hi, and thank you for reading this.

I’m a guy in my 40’s, married 12 years, together 2 before that. We have 2 kids together, 6 and 9.

My wife asked for a separation and in February of 2014, I moved out. Around June she said things were calmer in the house and she didn’t want me back.

The months that followed, she bought me out the house, and the car. We divorced in November.

When we met, I was still living with my parents. I hadn’t had any real relationships, or girlfriends and had hardly done anything experience wise.

My ex however, had had a lot of relationships, done a lot of experimentation in college, and unfortunately, she told me about a fair amount, in step by step detail.

I spent most of our marriage jealous, insecure and resentful when some of the stuff she did, she also refused to do with me. She too suffered from insecurities, especially after 2 kids. She would pick fights and we were both unhappy. I agreed to the separation and divorce without a fight. In October she said our 9 year old saw a dating app on my phone and asked if I was dating. I said I had been on some dates and she started crying but said she understood. A couple of weeks lately she told me she was going to start hanging out with my only single friend and it might turn into dating. I was very upset and said some horrible things as it felt like she was paying back (We had a tit-for-tat relationship), especially since she called me the night before I was to become a US citizen at 10:30pm. After a couple of weeks the dust settled so to speak and she denied ever saying she would date him. I don’t know if they ever went out, or if months later, they still are. It was then I started on your “no contact” plan. I kept a spreadsheet to motivate myself on who made first contact each day, or if there was no contact. I did this for 75 days. I think I made first contact 15 times to her 38, the rest we didn’t contact. It seems high for her but we do share kids and she always seemed to “find” a reason to email or call about something “to do with them”.

Over those 75 days, your plan “seemed” to be working. I played it pretty cool most of the time. I made sure I was always smiling around her. I would “show” her I am doing better rather than tell her, or list to her how I am a better person. Even her parents who never seemed to really like me, were treating me better. On New year’s day, she invited me over to join her and our kids for lunch. She made a nice cooked lunch, with desert and champagne. She took interest in what I was doing, asked how I was doing, told me she wasn’t doing so well, told me who she was going out with(female friends), almost reporting to me. The point is, we were both better people and we had both admitted what we did wrong in the relationship.

January she did it again. She said a kid saw a picture of a woman on my computer and asked me if I was seeing someone. Foolish pride kicked in here. As I said before, I was jealous and resentful of her. Well I had been given the chance to turn the tables and I had taken it. A former co-worker, neighbor and current mom to our son’s friend, seduced me in December and we started a FWB occasional night out. My ex and this woman kind of hate each other. I told my ex about it and she didn’t seem to bothered. She even asked who had the better body and better in bed, and I, in a reverse of when we first met, told her in pretty detailed account of “what we did.” I threw in details of another one night I had with a much younger woman in for good measure. She did finally get upset and get off the phone. 5 weeks later and in many ways, she is acting like a divorced woman. Communication is at an all-time low, and very short responses or questions when she absolutely has to. It backs up my theory at least that she was “finding” reasons to contact me before . She cried twice on the phone about it, but insisted it wasn’t because she wants me, but because she is insecure about her body and I was rubbing it in. I sent her an email that night I told her telling her I was sorry, that I still cared and just trying to get on with my life. They if she dates and finds that it isn’t fun, then perhaps we could talk. It came up again recently and I said in a text “Any man would be lucky to spend the night with you, and I fool night to spend the rest of his life.”

Last week a friend insisted I just ask her what the chances of us getting back together are. I said she will say none if I ask now since she is still upset about this woman, and still hardly talking to me. The friend said at least I will know. So I asked and, there is no chance, now or in the future. I truly poured my heart out but it was for nothing. After 5 days of no communication, she had been in contact 5 days in a row. She is being pretty friendly, and even invited me to join them at a kids event coming up. First time since the separation, she is texting me pictures of the kids. She even texted me at 11pm last night asking if I was still up, but this morning she said it was a tax question and sorry to bother me. A total reverse of the last 5 or 6 weeks.

Some of my friends had thought, before I opened my month, that perhaps she was having a change of heart. If she is dating, she is not using the opportunities provided by me to “rub my face in it” in return for having a thing with her ex friend. On Friday I publically told all my friends on FB (she isn’t one of them) I was finally in a good place to move on with my life. I included a picture of Alyssa in the post for those who don’t know her. Since Friday she has been friendly.

My question is. I am trying to move on with my life. She seemed pretty adamant there was no chance of us getting back together but then we have only been divorced 3 months. Her parents, and therefore her support network leave soon and she will be without them for 6 months. Is there any point, or hope in the no contact (unless kid related) at this point. Looks like she still isn’t dating but I don’t know for sure. I am trying to not read anything into her being a lot more friendly.

Thanks again

G