No Contact Day 21 – Really struggling!

We had a messy break up 2 months ago. He suffers badly with anxiety and has commitment issues – telling me that he still loves me but that the ‘strength’ of my love for him was too much for him to bare incase he let me down further down the line. I have know him for ten years and spent 5 of these together.

For 4/5 weeks I talked to him intermittently (always me making first contact) hoping he would change his mind. Mid November he went away for a ‘boys’ weekend and whilst there got his friend to send some pics/videos to me of them all hanging out messing around – nothing upsetting. It was as though he wanted to share the experience but wouldn’t get in contact with me himself to do so…

When he arrived home I rang him and for the first time since the break up he rang back and we spoke civilly. He suggested we meet for a drink the week after – however, I told him I was only interested in doing this if he wanted to talk about a reconciliation. I told him to take some time to think.

A few days later his best friend told me that he had told him he was planning on meeting me the week after – great I thought – progress! However that night my ex text my best friend telling her he liked her… sounds bad but after some digging, I find out that he did this to and I quote ‘be spiteful’ as he knew his best friend and I had been talking too (platonically I hasten to add). Does this just mean he was jealous? And if so, surely that is a good sign?

Either way he didn’t want to meet after that and told me to leave him alone for a while. He kept saying things like ‘you say you’re independent from me now, so prove it’ and ‘can’t you see – every text/call you send me just makes me think I’ve made the right decision’. Ultimately it seems like it’s a test to see if I’m capable of being without him. I’m just scared now, with being on day 21 NC, that he will find someone new soon even if it is just a rebound/someone to fill the void. I’m scared he will think I no longer care and am moving on.

His decision to break up came so out of the blue – we were talking about kids names literally two days before and he was telling me ‘I hope you know how much I love you’ etc…

I would just appreciate some advice because I’m scared I’ve lost him for good and though NC is supposed to help heal too (I thought it was over the first couple of weeks), this third week (over Christmas) has been the toughest yet as I have heard nothing from him, not even a ‘Happy Christmas, hope you’re ok’. I almost feel as though I might be spiralling into the depths of something more than just sadness.

Do I carry on as normal, whilst avoiding all that he is ‘up to’ and hope that he realises his mistake? And if not… how is it that I start to move on? He has spent such a long time telling me that I am the love of his life, even when we weren’t together for a while. And so it’s hard to believe that we’re not ‘soulmates’ and that this isn’t just another side effect of the severe anxiety he suffers from… or maybe that’s just me making excuses for him again.