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Posts
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@Carmine828 and @Nell the problem isn’t really on fb, because so far she only put one picture of them there…but right now i just went on her instagram and a couple of minutes ago she put one kissing her new guy. This deeply makes me sad and I just convince myself it’s not a rebound…
Archola:
I know this is hard, but in my case if I learn that my ex has someone new, even if it is a rebound, I wont go back,no matter how much I love him. I believe that once you have someone else invade what you had its a breach, its sharing that special thing you had with a stranger,and it opens a space for that to happen again even when you get back together. I may be wrong, and I now the Plan says you must date,etc. But for me it does not feel right. I am mastering NC slowly, and I have been clear about my feelings. I may be sabotaging my chances for him to get back but i cannot play games or act out. That maybe my doom,I am too frank. I am trying to move on but not by looking for someone else, but from accepting that no mayter how much we love each other, there are so many steps he has to take that unless I prepare the nest and make it all comfy and up to his terms and conditions i wont have him back,and that is not correct. My dissatisfaction with the situation was the cause of the falldown,and I wont be a doormat because I was being someone I am not.
Sorry I diverged,if I were you I would start thinking Frozen: “Let it go,let it go”.
You cannot make someone do something they do not want to do. Influence however, that is possible. I think you should keep doing what you’re doing as it seems to be working. However, I think we all understand at this point whatever relationship we had is gone. We shouldn’t want it back as it was not working, clearly, if it got to the point where it ended as it has.
I think I’ve finally hit that stage where I am moving on and not looking back. If something happens down the line, it happens. If not, I’m better off on my journey of improving myself and will find someone that deserves to be with me and me with them.
I believe my ex has gotten the picture that I don’t need her in my life and can thrive on my own. She probably is realizing she made a mistake, as she tends to do after some time. But she has a lot of growing to do yet. I reached out to her yesterday about her getting her things, as I figured I’d show one final gesture of kindness. We were supposed to get a nasty storm, so I told her I would personally open the garage so she could get her things. I have not heard a word from her since I told her that her things were no longer here. I’m sure that sent a message right there that I was not holding out, nor playing into any games she may be pulling consciously or subconsciously.
We’ll see what the future holds, but right now I have no romantic interest in someone that was not accepting of me “at my worst” when I was able to stomach their behavior that was far worse than my own. I was willing to work through it all, together, because I knew better. I saw the good and never lost sight of it, but was aware of the things that needed to be improved dramatically. If someone is not willing to work things out (the lame copout “I don’t have time” excuse in my case) with you after years of intimacy, then one deserves better.
Again, hopeful for the future but I was miles ahead in maturity with the relationship and commitment. This was evident as I was working toward proposing, but she will not know this. I’m done holding my breath.
@ThePhoenix
I have to agree with you. This morning was rough for me but after some thinking I believe my ex fooled me into being a strong mature woman. The reality is she’s still a lost little girl seeking validation she never got from her father.I read an interesting article about it and she fits the description. She never got the attention and love she deserved growing up so when I showed it to her, subconsciously she sensed she doesn’t deserve it so she opted out and is now seeking fleeting attention.
@Martin
I think you’re putting way too much thought into what your ex could be thinking. They’re just your ideas that you’re convincing yourself are hers.Try not to let this happen. You’ll just drive yourself crazy about what you should say/do. Like I said at this point she’s just a new girl so treat her as such. Think back to how you were when you attracted her and be that man not the one who needs her back.
@Carmine828 I know. And I always said to myself that I would never allow that to happen. I did that in the past and i got fucked over…even though that girl didn’t mean half this one does. We had a nice, sweet relationship and it all crumbled and in a matter of weeks she is with someone else, did not give a fuck about my feelings (you can read my whole story in my post). And I’m not willing to forgive anything right now…I just miss her. Maybe it’s better like this, now I am realising that she was a bit of controller when we were together and maybe ending was for the best and who knows in the future we meet again. I just am feeling that weird sensation that I’m gonna be alone forever or whatever, you know? She did mean a lot to me, was the only one person that I ever trusted everything, that I shared everything. And it hurts. A lot.
But anyway, I installed an extension to block her websites. I know I’ll still check for them but anyway…it’s worth a shot.
Archola, I may seem strong willed but I am devastated too,and my ex is not with anyone. I almost got him back until this week when he hanged the phone on me because he learned that I applied for transfer to Florida in my workplace. I am very practical, to my detriment, and he hates that. When he confronted me I told him that if we are not back together at some point and the transfer opportunity comes I would leave. He accussed me of pressuring him,and of making threats. I am not, i just dont have any reason to hang around here when i have put aside moving to Florida just because of him. He is acting as if I have to wait all the time he wants until he decides when to take me back. I wont be around for ever. Im selling a lot of stuff in my house and packing. In one or two months im moving to a new place or a new country if he is not willing to fix this. Its been 8 years I have waited and put up with a ton of ridiculous and embarrasing situations just to be with him and wait until he finally moves in with me,but there is always an excuse or a problem. Not seeing what he is doing really helps me not get any crazier and desperate, and certainly makes him think too. once I unblocked him,and send him a friend request on FB. He did not reply,but kept it open for 2 weeks. I somply withdrew the request,and blocked him again. He went ballistics, but i calmly told him that of he was not interested in my friendship,what was the point of keeping the request? I think he wanted me to be on the edge, and that he would be able to see what im doing without commiting.
Same deal, only with my ex did not have a stable mother figure. Her mother is honestly one of the nastiest women I’ve met and she put my ex through hell. But now that my ex is getting the attention she wants from her and has craved for years, I’m chopped liver. My ex has a bad problem with compartmentalizing, and she’s lost so much of herself over the years by doing so with a bad coping mechanism. I guess trauma bonding with her mother is stronger than any real, unconditional love I gave her, but there ya go.
At this point my biggest hope is she gets professional help, but I doubt she will. I think she believes she deserved all the abuse she got from her mother and exes before me. It’s a shame that people hurt themselves like that, and I wish there was something I could do, but I can’t. Only she can.
My ex has been in therapy for years. Red flags I ignored because she was so nice and caring towards me. I think what happened was I was like her father which drew her to me then when I started nagging about things she saw my behavior similar to her mother’s which must have triggered her to just retreat. Sucks.
Btw where you from?
That’s unfortunate for her. Reminds me of something my father told me a few times. The 3 big rules of life: never eat at a diner called Mom’s, never play cards with a man named Doc, never sleep with someone that has more problems than you.
I broke 2 of those, hah.
VA, how about you?
I knew, but I thought I could at least provide support. She had been doing really well when her mother was out of the picture, but as soon as she started to weasel her way back into my ex’s life, shazam… months of self-improvement gone.
@ThePhoenix Yes, yes, and yes to everything you said in your big post up there. Especially, the part near the end about deserving better when someone doesn’t want to do any work after years of intimacy. I can relate whole-heartedly to that. The funny thing is that I realized it immediately after the breakup but the emotions and confusion were too strong and I thought maybe there was a chance and I couldn’t let go. I’m ready to do NC indefinitely now, and I’m not open to anything with my ex in the future.
@Carmine828 Good on you for not wanting to wait around on your ex or play his games. You are important and still need to live your life too! I hope that aspect of your life works out how you want and I wish you luck. 🙂
@confusedbutok and @ThePhoenix Hah! How funny, my ex also has a lot of unresolved issues from childhood, go figure. 😉 My ex’s dad was an alcoholic and not really in the picture, so he never had a good male role model. I always felt like I was the man in the relationship and it caused a lot of issues for us. His mother babied him and still does, never set boundaries or rules with him, and now he’s spoiled and entitled as well as expects women to do everything for him. He would often put me in a place of being a “mommy” figure, but then resent me for it. I kept thinking one day it would get better or change, but we all know how that goes. I know he’ll never get help for it, too bad. God help his next girlfriend/wife. Not that I’m without my issues, but despite everything I’ve ended up fairly well adjusted and a responsible adult.Hey everyone,
My ex is potentially sleeping with her new bf. The thought of that makes me feel weak and terrible.
Still holding my ground.
Nell: thanks for your wishes.
Martin: That is a terrible thought,thats why as soon as I detect my ex is hounding around im out forever. I wont be able to see him again the same way. I am blessed with a cunning intuition and All I want to know comes to me somehow always. So I stay away from anything that can shake my mind.
I have to see him tomorrow at a rehearsal and I will read him. If I see he cannot look me in the eye I know he is up to something and Im on my Houdini Act forever. I have come a long way on this for him to decide to have a hall pass,have his cake and eat it too.I know it’s a dreadful thought. But I wouldn’t sweat it. Just tell yourself you’re better sexually and she’ll miss you even more. Just pump your ego up instead of down. You’ll feel better.
It’s natural for people to sleep/hook up. Don’t let it discourage you.
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