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Posts
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I’m having a really hard time today. Weekends still hurt the most since that’s when we’d see each other.
Going on week 3 NC and part of me thought she’d be in touch by now which I know isn’t helping my mood.
I was so tempted to text her this morning “don’t forget to leave the key :p”
Because she’d leave me the key to her house on Fridays.
I understand what you mean. Today is nagging me as I know my ex is in town on the weekends. Not sure if she’s going to be picking her things up from my parents place today or not. I’m under the impression she may try to come by here, but I have no intention of being home. She might be able to get into the stairwell that leads to my apt as she has a key still, but I updated the deadbolt so she at least can’t get in to my apt.
Oddly enough I have not been tempted to contact her, but that might be because she’s being wishy washy with her emotional state. That, and for someone that said so many times I was her best friend and she still wanted to keep in touch, that hasn’t really been happening. Her loss, not mine.
I’ve stopped counting the NC days and I don’t quite care to anymore. :\
Yeah I’m at that point too of not counting the days.
The girl I saw yesterday texted me this morning saying she had a good time. Makes me more sad that most girls I talk to, see my uniqueness.
I made mistakes with my ex and owned up to them, bums me out she won’t contact me. Most guys I feel protect their ego and just blame the girl. Maybe that’s what I should have done lol
Same I on day – 19. I stopped keeping count so I installed an APP in my phone to do that for me 😛
Growing a beard too so day 12 on that 🙂 I have decided to change my appearance a lot. I am trying to get contacts but my reflexes are too quick and strong at the moment.
One thing all our exes have in common is that they were selfish and thought about themselves. What they did is not wrong though, just be bit harsh.
This website is brilliant and provided a great deal of clarity . My own view is that this is not about getting your ex back , this is about getting your life back and giving yourself enough time to see things differently . Trust me , I am not about to trivialise what we go through . The emotional ‘sickness’ I have been through these past few months has been pretty awful . The 30 day NC is fantastic , it gave me a milestone to reach that I don’t think I would have been able to hit ..if you don’t have a target , where do you aim ? Anyway , by the time I’d hit 30 days I’d gone through all the expected emotions ..anger , grief , resentment etcetera . but found myself much more capable to look at the situation calmly . My heart goes out to anybody who’s ex dumped them or of the blue, but really?… I think we victims probably did see some of it coming , or at least knew the relationship wasn’t running as smooth as it could ..the 30 days gave me time to hold a mirror upto myself and be honest with myself . Was my relationship as good as it should have been ? Was I honestly putting up with things just to keep things going because the alternative was too horrible to consider ? By the time 30 days ticked around ,the dust had settled and the ‘learned behaviour ‘ traits had eased . Yeah , sure I missed her and all the good things we did . But were they all that good ? Was I putting a ‘photo shop’ image over situations , and I found I was . I realised that I had been tolerating behaviour that I shoukdnt have..and for too long . Do I still love my ex ? Yep ..do I still care ? Yep . Do I really want the relationship back as it was when we broke up ? NO . I had been acquiescing and walking on egg shells if I’m truly honest ..I had become someone I wasn’t . I found that after my NC period that I did still want to contact my ex , and it was really really daunting . But …I wanted to contact her for closure ..at least for now . I followed the rules , and I sent a buoyant text , NOT NEEDY, at not too long either . Just a ‘Hi’ , an interesting common topic and a welfare check . Well , I did get an answer , and thankfully in a similar vein to mine . STRIKE 1 !! She ‘engaged’ and it was clear she had been dying to hear from me . So here’s where you have to be careful .. you can run too fast and drop into who you used to be , maybe throw in some I miss you rubbish ..DONT !! I kept it short and light and also closed it with ” anyway glad you’re ok , take care ‘ to emphasise that I didn’t need to prolong the correspondence or NEED HER !! …a delayed response came back but displayed a degree of uncertainty and intrigue . I WAS BACK IN THE DRIVING SEAT . I could imagine her thinking ” Er !?? He doesn’t need me ??!!!” And the truth is , I don’t . Not how she was … as I’ve said , I still love that girl immensely but I’m not prepared to fall back in line . The 30 days has been fantastic to get out of some terrible ‘needy’ bad habits and become myself again . I don’t intend to text again or contact her for a while … not because I want to play games , just because I need to make it clear that I am not her ‘toy’ . I’m glad I did make contact because at least I know that there is no animosity between us and there shouldn’t be too much awkwardness if we cross paths . In a way we have sort of acknowledged that we meant something to each other by texting but there has also been a line drawn in the sand in that I wont bow to her whim. Who knows what the future holds .. there may be reconciliation at some stage , the intro is there to work with . But in truth I have regained clarity and my self worth has started to return . For now , I don’t want it , I can almost see that there was a degree of inevitability about our break up …I just didn’t want to accept it . But folks , seriously …give yourself 30 days minimum , it’s surpring how you feel afterwards . Remember, you need a target to start with so try it . Fantastic website , thank you for all the tips and tradecraft . Be strong folks , love yourself !
Great post @PJ
What made you initiate contact after 30 days as oppose to waiting to hear from her?
I’m still in conflict in which route to take.
Hey Everyone,
I am still a bit confused about what to do?
My Ex is dating someone and I need to be out of the picture because really I do not want her new relationship to workout.
She said we will talk later today.
What should I do?
Just be cool, calm, casual. Don’t over think anything man. Relax. Just keep the mindset of “other guys only make me look good” you’ll know how to natural react with that in mind.
@confusedbutok My ex did the whole, blame the girl (me) thing. You should be glad you didn’t take that route (I know you were joking). You’d never grow or become a better person by blaming others. It’s an immature and childish way to handle things. My ex ran his mouth to a bunch of people saying everything was my fault and a lot of other cruel things and it got back to me. He doesn’t know that his “friends” told me everything. Big mistake on his part. Goes to show that you have to be careful who you talk to after a breakup!
@PJ Thank you for your post! I think you hit the nail on the head with everything you wrote. Too bad we couldn’t make your post a sticky for everyone to read, I think it would help a lot of people.
@Martin It will be okay. She probably won’t talk long, and most of it will probably be about the dissertation. Like others said, stay calm, play it cool. Be friendly and polite. Try not to think of this as a big deal, just a conversation with a friend if that helps to take the edge off. Let us know how it goes. 🙂Okay guys and dolls, I need someone to smack me across the face. I’m having a really hard time not contacting my ex right now. I messaged him a couple days ago because I needed some paperwork from him for our taxes. He sent me the info I needed today and said that he appreciated me taking care of it, and that he was going to see if I wanted him to take care of it next month.
I’m so angry right now. For one, he never appreciated me or anything I did when we were together, so the fact that he is saying it now, really upsets me. I don’t think it’s sincere and it ticks me off he would even say that to me. Secondly, I call bs on it because I highly doubt he was going to reach out and offer to take care of it. I’ve always been the one to take care of anything important or pressing in our relationship. I have to get out of the house, I can’t even be around my laptop and be tempted to send him an angry message. I need someone to tell me to snap out of this because I can’t listen to myself right now.
Thanks for the comment ..As for you Q why I initiated contact . Well that’s a tricky one because I had to be really sure that I was doing it for the right reason and not just to get a reaction . I contacted her to give myself closure . I know that sounds strange but the circumstances of our breakup weren’t clear . My ex is quite hot headed and would dwell on things for days ..then would eventually say how she felt , it’s frustrating because she would fire up at the most trivial of issues and only later would I get to know what was really bugging her . She’s a complex character, and it gets tiring . The more you try and drill down the more frustrated and angry she would get ..”I’m not getting into it now” would be her stock answer . I’ve witnessed her stubborness with her friends where she wouldn’t contact them after a dispute until they got in touch . After 30 days I was fairly certain that she had adopted the same ‘competitive’ stubborn game with me . I also witnessed how upset she would get if her friends didn’t make the first move . So , after finding some clarity and time to think I realised that our break up for now is for the best ..she has had some tragedy to deal with in the past and she needs to come to terms with that ..I have tolerated her poor behaviour because of this and when I doubted our relationship I always felt guilty if I considered breaking it off because of the tough time she’d had prior to our relationship. So after this latest fire up and no contact from her I feel like I’m guilt free as such . This was her decision..I love her dearly , she is one of the most remarkable girls I have ever known ,but no amount of trauma gives anyone the right to be so awful on such a regular basis. The trouble is , you think you can mend them ..sometimes you can’t . They have to dig in and help themselves.So finally , my point ! To continue NC may have ultimately worked , but to what end ? To fall back into a toxic relationship? I have found the clarity to realise that ‘we’ weren’t working and I was continually putting on a brave face to keep things sweet. And I don’t want that sort of relationship anymore. To have continued the NC would and did start to have the opposite effect . We’d be lying if each one of us didn’t admit to checking our phones each day and thinking ‘ maybe tomorrow ‘ I didn’t want to continue like that . I wanted closure . I don’t want to know why she’s done this or done that , there really is no point in trying to seek answers from her ,I know her too well . Until it was closed I couldn’t continue to heal and move forward . My text to her was effectively a ” we are where we are , there’s no hard feelings or need for an autopsy, you meant a lot to me but I’m better than this ” although I clearly didn’t write that ! She knows what it meant . I’ve got to be careful though because I’m still fragile..IF she makes contact again I’ll still keep it polite and ‘arms length’ ..for me , not her. Obviously for me to be writing about this shows I’m still not out of the woods but at least I’m conscious of it . I promise you all I’m not watching my phone anymore, text beeps don’t make me jump like a startled cat . I contacted her for ‘me’ so I could break away from the competition and continue to get back to the person I was before . Long answer ! I’m sorry !! hope it makes sense
Thanks man. Your ex sounds somewhat similar to mine. She has childhood issues and pretty much hates her mom whilst getting upset that her dad constantly ignores her (probably red flags I ignored)
I remember on her bday her mom had sent her card apologizing and my ex was so stubborn about it and when I asked if she’d get in touch with her to at the very least say thank you, she was adamant about not doing so.
This makes me think she won’t reach out to me but who knows I mean I upset her AND apologized but at the same time I didn’t create trauma like her mom did in her upbringing (though I feel me triggering her emotions might have made her feel the same emotions towards me)
The last text I sent my ex ended in “keep in touch” so remembering that helps me to stick to NC as if I try to initiate again I’d look weak.
Thanks Nell 🙂 Hang in there girl ! Don’t waste your time sending him an angry message ..you’ll only wind yourself up ! I went thru that phase , still have moments , but I stuck to a 24 HR rule .. write it down if it helps you get it off your chest , but stick it in your drafts. If you still feel the same 24 hrs later ( you won’t ) then so be it . But before you do , imagine your ex laughing at it and showing their friends ( not that they would) but just imagine it ! You’re feeding their ego and showing your vulnerability! We’re better than that aren’t we ?!!!
Whoa! Scarily familiar ! My ex doesn’t see eye to eye with her mum and her father was tragically killed in an accident..hence the hurt . This sounds awful but I suspect and sort of know she was a hot head before her dad passed . I sometimes felt it was a convenient excuse to be downright nasty and immature ..I know that sounds bad though . Just refresh your memory and have a listen to Alanis Morrisette’s ‘I am not the Doctor ‘ !! Hopefully it will make you smile at the futility!! Keep strong mate !
I just remembered my ex has anxiety and also gets affected by people ignoring her.
Not to be mean but maybe NC will play off those and she’ll feel desperate to reach out if anything for an ego boost.
Also wanted to share this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzcXgb8cXYo
LzcXgb8cXYoMy ex also blames everything on me. It is true I was the one who broke off because he was only caring for his things always, he promised me 6 years ago we would move together but instead continues with his parents. I had a fall and huet mu shoulder, then got th Chikungunya virus that almost kills me, and he would not come to help me because he worked for his father and je would not dare skip work.I predumped him like he says when we were trying to get back a few days ago. The thing is that he keeps me at a distance,playing ego games, I cannot be in a hot and cold,I either jump to it and fix it or stay off the game. Its silly to be playing high school kids when we are adults. Last he texted me is i do not exist for him anymore. I told him that surely being apart permanently is for the best for us,but I truly love him. we did wonderfyl things together,and we are very succesful in our music endeavors. But all he says is Its my fault my fault my fault, and that I cannot pressure him even though I know he is making me wait just to see me suffer.
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