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Hi Kevin and every one,
First I think I’ve to post up some thing about me (and my wife) so we’d know some thing about the relationship we’re talking about:
* After my first marriage broken 11 years ago, I went on Internet for chatting with stranger and meet a lady whom separated her husband for 3 years (and later divorced), since then I went to see her and keep contact nearly every day and night through internet chatting, then we marriage a year after.
* Good about me: I’m good technology, good knowledge about social and law, good planning things ahead, fairly honest, care and sacrifice. I did sacrificed my job and my properties for her life.
* Bad about me: I’m hardly forget things that was bad and can bring up even years later, I’m not a discreet person whom can talking out about us and our problems if I’d think “it’s not big problem”.* Good about her: She’s charming beauty lady whom working in the beauty industries, she’s very hard worker, care and sacrifice person whom sacrifice for me lots of times to forgive my bad things, she’s very good discreet person.
* Bad about her: She’s a bad planning and non-thinking person, she did lots of things disrespect me, says things with purely her emotionally.* Good about the relationship: Even we’re old (I’m now 55 and she’s 45), and we’ve rebuild our life from the scratch and poverty but now our economy life is fairly stable. Cause we’re old so this relationship giving us a very good comfort for (hoping) the rest of our life.
* Bad about the relationship: Due to her (non-thinking) disrespect, we’ve lots of fights in which I’ve often say things that hurt her feeling (and emotional), some time I even talked to our mature family member or friends.* The relationship broken: more than 2 months ago, she worked very late for her boss and I’ve ring up for her many time that she didn’t want to answer, then we’re fight, then she decided separate under one roof. I’ve move out a week later with out let her know but still care and look after this house. 3 days after my moved out, she rang up and I’ve come back to talk and reconciled.
Two days after that, she still worked late, then we’re fight again and I’ve strongly put my condition about her work, it’s should be less priority than our relationship. She’s hurtful but strongly reply she’s hard working and none timing restriction for her work. I’d hurtful wished her happy with her work (sound like we wishing some one happy with their new partner).
That day I’ve move out again with out letting her know, and did 2 and half weeks None Contact. But had lots of mistakes:
* I’ve wrote her emotional wounded during her life on Face Book for relatives and friend read, in which I’ve discover that a big mistake and deleted one day after.
* After that I’ve come back and begged her for reconcile, but she’s cold, no more relationship but happy to be separate under one roof (cause only 2 of us in the house and if I’m not she’s alone and very insecure).* I’ve struggle with this situation, trying to please her and affectionate her, until last week I’ve doubtful observed she’s moving on new relationship (through some thing from her friend on Face Book and her attitude and normal activities). I’ve confront her about that, she’d denial with very un-logically, we’re fight and she took some clothes and go but gone around a block and came back, and that night was a horrible for her with my confronted. but still she does not move out.
* Yesterday I’ve talk to her for reconcile but she’s still firmly rejected, so I’ve talk about re-arrange our property ownership and she agree that with out hesitate.
This morning she’s send me a text invite breakfast and say that she sensed that I feel shameful with her cause I’ve asked her giving me property but she confirm her promised and wish me a good and stable life.
* I’m planning a good NC right after she signed the property, but I’m confusing: Can I doing None Contact under same roof?”.
Please help me, please give me some advice.
Thanks.
John.Hi, I’m update my situation,
Today after work she called me for diner out, I agree and went out with my mind prepared will be a hard talk. That’s right, she’s change her mind with a reason that she’s work so hard and surely that i’ll waste her 10 years hard earning. Plus blaming about my idea of reconcile together with rob her 10 years hard work.
I’ve explain that I need the property for the capital to do business and the business for our economy and happiness. Any way it’s the end with “NO”.
We’ve talk lots of things with all disagree in respectful each other, and concluded with the NC (her idea is she wanted to be herself peaceful in the same roof).Please help me, Can I do None Contact under same roof? and also does the period of NC should be exactly 30 days or can be 4 weeks (28 days)? I’d know it’s can be longer if we feel we need longer, but if we comfort will we go shorter?
Thanks for helping and comments.
John00:00 am update:
After got home, we did arrange the house for the NC. Then went to our room (each separate) I then send her a text express understand her heart is hurtful same with mine. It’s like her muscles pain when she worked so hard, but that’s good for a reason: it’s will be stronger for the future, and text that I would massage her hand or foot but I’d better let her be alone in peace and wish her sleep well.
Moment later she reply that her heart is not hurt but her heart is hurt (?????) cause she’s now know the man she wish that she’ll die for is not worthy and she would like not to think about.
I reply: I do understand that, relax and sleep well.
I’d guess I know how she feel. She’s had lots of emotions turmoil, and I’d plain a good NC for me as well as for her too.
Have you any idea? please help.
Thanks.
John01/12/14,
So far no one reply or comment, it’s sad.
Any-way I’m still writing even no one read, Thanks ExBack Permanently for this message board, that we can write on.
I’m starting NC and I’d believe it’ll be good for me, today I also thinking of quitting smoke and plain to start from next week. It’ll be very hard to quit smoke while in NC period, but I’m sure it’ll be fun to try myself, like some-one self torture, hihihihi it’s going to be fun and the calendar will past.
Also today she got home and cook diner and text me to eat while she gone into her room, which I didn’t answer (as usually I’d reply thank her), then later I went out for diner myself.
I’d know, NC is NC, None Contact is None Contact.
Thanks guys.
John.02/12/14
Came home after diner out I’ve been in my room as I always do, then she knock my door to get help, her Internet online has a problem that she couldn’t get through, I’ve to try to help but out of luck so I’ve told her to go to their office to fix-up.
I do not want to see her or talk to her but I MUST that out of my willingness, and I did purely to fix the Internet online, then back to my room with out saying any thing else.
I don’t fell that I’ve broken None Contact Rules.
But I’ve to admit that she is always in my mind, I’d want to forget her. FORGET HER but my mind kept obsessing her. What can I do? should I take a hammer and beat my head my mind?
I WILL FORGET HER. As I’ve learn from my son: STRONG IS STRONG.
JohnLeHi John.
It seems to me that your problems cannot be handled with NC. The knowledge and guidelines on this website doesn’t quite fit to your problem I think.
If you would want me to give my opinion, I’ll utter a few words.
I think you did the analysis of your relationship quite well in your first post. You know your strength and weakness. That is a good start. I believe you need to discuss these things with your partner. If you think you cannot handle it via talking, write her a detailed version of it on paper. While doing that, avoid mentioning negative traits your partner might have.
How I would do it:
1. The things that you appreciate in your partner
2. The things that you appreciate in yourself
3. What you want your future to look like (purely from your own perspective, you don’t have to include anyone on that future picture)And ask your partner to do the same.
We often get swept away by arguments that we stop thinking about what it was that attracted us to each other or what we envisioned for ourselves before meeting our partners. While it is true that people don’t know each other quite well at the beginning, I don’t think at any point in our lives we reach to that point of understanding each other truly. But we can do something else. We can learn to appreciate and respect.
We are all different. And each and every one of us have different circumstances in life. The paths we have taken are distinct even if there may be some similarities here and there. That is why we cannot judge one other. Everyone makes mistakes, knowingly or without being aware of it. But we get reminded of the consequences of that. Think about a 3 year old child. He doesn’t have a clue of what the world is like. He is unaware of his surroundings. Let’s say he touches an hot object without knowing that it would hurt him. What would he do the next time he sees that? Touch again? No. His subconscious will repeatedly remind him the pain he felt in his first experience. Relationships are similar. At an early phase, we do a lot of mistakes because we don’t know each other quite well much like our surroundings. But every mistake takes us to valuable information that we learn as a result. It is indeed a painful process, but rewarding.
If you truly love this woman and she reciprocates by caring about you, then there is a way somehow to make this work. And the key here is communication without judgement. Honest, down to earth, being aware of who you are.
Keep us updated of your situation. I wish you good luck.
Hey ghost,
Thanks for the comment.
One thing that I’ve to add on about her: She had MORE THAN 1 broken relationship before marriage me. Now is about third broken relationship to her. So she is VERY FEARFUL. She’d knew her age and and none relatives in this country, giving her no choice but to live with me.
If you read above. I found some sign of her having other guy (who on our back country) that I find out with FaceBook, and than we had a terible night…
But just before that happen, she’d had some signs of recociliation. (her son asked me buy him a com. mouse, she thinking about living in OUR HOUSE till death, and she one said that she need take time).
I’m now in 3rd day NC. I think this is for her time and space.But I wonder how long this would be???? it’s been 2 & haft months. And will it be FOREVER???
Thanks for help me.
JohnAlso, before that terible night, we’re good to each other, shopping together, have meal together, even join to friend’s parties together, affectionate… just like before the brake. BUT SLEEP SEPARATE… Like 2 good friend in the same house. And I DON’T WANT THAT.
I mean I just want to be clear. Couple or Not Couple. And that’s the problem.Hi, I’ve got home after work,
Yes I’d love her dearly, she always in my mind, she gave me happiness from more than 10 years ago and then was on and off.
Now in lately, she’s still care about me, she gave me some thing that I didn’t ask for like my hair cut or she bought for me some clothing (we went shopping together and she paid for that, those were before the terrible night) and I’d the same to her.
Again the biggest thing bang my mind is “What does she want when she need time and playing around with some guys? Does this mean she wanted to keep me as a reserve?” And if reconciliation happen, will she keep playing around with guys like this?
I’m very confusing about this as well as should I need a light None Contact?
Please help me, I’m so confusing.
Thanks.
John.6/12/14: day 6st of None Contact:
Two day before, she had a strike that really knock me down.
She text me to let me know that she booked the solicitor to transfer the property from her name to my name, that will be some work and she include in her text, and I’d just instantly reply with thanks her. Then about 2 and half hours later I’d send a text to her that I’m refuse it and asked to cancel the solicitor booking.
Yesterday when I’ve got home, she asked me to go to the solicitor with her and I’d refuse and has a good long talking with her, explain my reason of refuse is: because I’d see that she’s so good person and I don’t want to take the property and loose her (I’d know I’m a looser).But I told her that I’d graceful accept the break, and now treating her just as a person whom we’re sharing house with respect their own life.
The talking last for more than an hour, then we’d gone to diner out together and again she show some sign of reconciliation. During that good communication, we’d talked honestly and she said that her willingness to giving me the property but on the bottom of her heart she doesn’t want to do it cause that will leading to move out and divorce and she said that her friends wanted us to reconcile and she imaging the happy times together we had with friends (I’d known and I’m surely those words are true).I’m now having to soften my None Contact Rules. As per instruction are:
1.Make sure you have a separate room. Make your own space and stay as much as possible in your own room.
2.Be a good roommate. You can talk about stuff related to household, but never about personal feelings. Not until the no contact period is over.
3.Don’t be a jerk and don’t put up with your ex if he/she is being a jerk. If they can’t handle being roommates with their ex, then it’s better for both of you to come up with a solution and live separately.I’ve no problem with number 1 Rule, for number 2 Rule I’ll talk to her softly but strictly not my own feelings yet I’ll listen to her feelings and her other stuffs. And for number 3 Rule I’ll have to set boundaries to be more clearly that we’re no longer partnership, we’re on our separate life.
I’d think this should be work fine.
Please give me your opinion about this.
Thanks.
John.
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