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Hello everyone so this is my first time really doing something like this…
I recently got dumped by my now ex-girlfriend after a year and three months in a long distance relationship.
I went abroad to teach English and everything seem to be perfect until December last year. I noticed that she had become a little distant from me and that she would always be away from her phone when chatting and almost ignore my messages at some points. She hung out with my cousin and his friend and they had a fun time. She was talking about all the things she wants to experience with me once I’m back and this was so good to hear from him. This is where things changed though…
His friend who I know and basically know as a womanizer happen to post a picture of the four of them together and this gave me this sick feeling in my gut. FOrward to a few days later and my cousin’s sister walks into a bar seeing the two of them kissing…
I heard the rumor but only in January and by then the stink had hit the fan. My ex-girlfriend started to ignore me and she basically told me off after disappearing and me trying to reach her one particular weekend. When I couldn’t find her I got so worried and started to ask her friend and her sister to which she said that really pissed her off… She told me that she feels that the relationship is boring at times (which really isn’t fair given it wasn’t physically present) and that I said I love you too much. She said that she loves me so much but she doesn’t feel the same and that she can’t help but her feelings have changed.
I returned to South Africa just recently and we had a date… I bought her flowers and some chocolate and took her out to eat dinner. We saw a movie and even had a drink together. She didn’t want to make out or have any kind of contact with me saying it feels like I’m a stranger. I told her that it’s not fair that I need to restrain myself cause I’ve been waiting for this moment. But I did not force anything. I ended up staying in a B&B because she didn’t want me to sleep over and the next day she made me wait for hours on end until I decided that’s enough I need to find out what is going on. Prior to going to her place I had indulged in some drinks and brought her food and a teddy bear and some prizes I had won at the arcade. I was informed by my sister about the happenings and my kind of waiting for the moment to ask… I got to her place and she literally looked at me in disgust I was so shocked. I ended up asking her whats going on and she just told me she doesn’t feel the same way. I probed as to why and what the reasons where and she just mentioned that I think I’m better than others and that I’m probably going to bad mouth her like my ex cause I mentioned to her that she cheated on me with one of my family members. When I asked her about this dude she ended up saying they had drinks and I asked her if they kissed which She just responded “REally now!… I ended crying my eyes out and confessing all my love for her and my admiration for. I told her that I want to make this work and I know that she still feels something…She ended up saying we are two different people and that will never work. I then stopped myself from forcing the issue and then told her that I still love her and still choose her even if my family members have said they saw her cheating and she just didn’t care. She gave me tissues and then said that I need to leave cause she has to study for a test. I got up and she walked me out to the gate. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and then told her I love her. I walked and then basically balled all the way to a hotel…
I am currently at home and had my first workout since our breakup on the 6th she said that she accidentally phoned me on Monday to which I phoned and asked why. She texted me asking how I am and I said I guess okay and I asked her how she is and she said I’m fine. I then said I’m glad that she’s fine but I really need to go whilst shaking like a reed… I do feel guilty for ending the conversation so abruptly but I had started no contact.
I just started working out today and I feel like I need to do more things and read more to find a way to figure out where I went wrong and how I can get and keep this girl…
I need help, please. All the relationships I’ve been in all the girls have cheated on me and I’m tired of this happening
Thank You in Advance and sorry for the long long post.
I know you don’t want to hear this, but long distant relationships are almost impossible to maintain. I suggest you find a nice girl nearby to where you live. Don’t get serious too fast.. give the relationship a chance to develop slowly. Good luck.
Long distance relationships can only work if both sides make them work. You did your part, she didn’t.
She lied to you. She cheated on you. She dumped you. Objectively, she couldn’t have treated the relationship much worse. If she treated the relationship responsibly, she would have talked to you about what was going on. She wouldn’t have lied to you. If she cared, she might have dumped you if things didn’t work out but she would have at least been honest about what was going on.
If the relationship is going to work again, it is going to need to work for both of you. How can you trust her after what she did when she hasn’t appeared to have apologized or said she did something wrong? All she seems to have said is that you were “two different people”
You said all your girlfriends have cheated on you. What is causing you to end up relationships with women who cheat on you? Even after this girl did, you still told her you love her and want to be with her.
Let’s say she said she wanted to get back together again right now and you took her back. Can you honestly say the same thing wouldn’t happen again with her? Does she feel terrible? Has she apologized? Has she said she is working to change her behavior and has she shown she is? Has she done anything to make you confident it won’t happen again?
My opinion is that you need to work on yourself even more than this relationship or any other relationship. You can’t accept people taking advantage of you. It is not good for you and it is not good for your relationships going forward. If you are with a woman and they aren’t honest with you, you need to call them on it and something needs to happen. They can’t be allowed to do that in a relationship and it is your job to ensure it doesn’t. This means you have to be willing to leave them. Not because you don’t care, but because you do.
Loving someone means you can’t accept behavior from them which is negative and destructive to the relationship because it is not good for them or you and they need to change. You don’t exist to excuse their behavior and be their emotional pin cushion. That isn’t about being a jerk, it is being a good partner.
Honestly, the best thing you could probably do in this circumstance to get this woman back is to not take any of her crap ever again. Work on making your life better. And if she wants a relationship with you, tell her she has to change and make up for what she did before. You’ve lost trust in her and she needs to regain it. That is not your job, it is hers because she screwed up. But she has to come back. You aren’t some backup plan she gets to have whenever she feels down.
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