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It’s been just under a month of No Contact. I initiated it after sending an apology to her. She seemed happy to speak to me and upbeat.
I haven’t heard from her since, but I’m not really too bothered about it. Sure I’ve had moments when I’ve felt like utter shit, but ultimately I’ve been working on myself and moving on. Yes, moving on.
I was curious and I checked her Facebook (stupid, I know) and she had a few pictures of her and some of her friends. Of course I felt sad, but I felt happy too to know she’s happy. I care a lot about her, and I’m pretty sure she cares about me too..
I’m basically at that period where I’m open to contact with her, but SHE has to contact ME if she regrets it or misses me or whatever.
So yeah, my point is I don’t think I should be the one to contact her. She did the dumping, she blew me off and IF, and ONLY IF, she regrets anything and/or misses me, SHE has to make the effort.
Tell me what you think … Exes seeming happy on FaceBook, is it a mask?
Yea they will try to seem happy even if they are not, she does not want to show you that she is sad, ofcourse she does not want to do that. If you told her to contact you first maybe you should wait for her. But then again after a month or so, you can make a couple of not so obviouse tries, like a message in a form of “this reminded me of you” and you build a conversation from there , or something similar. I am glad that you did not do the same mistakes as me… I hope you will get her back and be happy, I think you are on the right road, ceep it up!
PS: I hope you use the tactics mentioned in Stage 3 and Stage 4 of this article. They are really helpful.
This reflects directly back to your thread. I SHOULDN’T be the one contacting her first!!
You SHOULDN’T be the one to contact your ex first either!!
Letting them reach out first puts us in a far better position. Them contacting us means that they WANT to speak and are open to communication.
Can you imagine what my ex would say if she didn’t want to hear from me and I said “(SOMETHING) remind me of you”?!
I expect she’s doing things with her friends to get over the hurt of the break up – which is good. I want to see her happy, I’m not bitter, I don’t want to see her crying her eyes out. if she regrets the break up she’ll contact me … in the mean time I’m going to look for other women.
Well yes, but what if she actually is thinking the same way you are, and after a month she realizes that she likes you still, but she wants you to be the first to contact? Then you may loose out on something preciouse, or am I wrong?
I do think exes seeming happy on Facebook is a mask. Technically, to some extent, everyone seeming happy on Facebook is a mask. We all post there for the sole reason of sharing the positives in our lives or the momentous things. Most people aren’t going to sit and post about how depressed they are or how much their life sucks. They’re going to post photos and statuses about all the awesome things they do, even if those only occur infrequently in reality.
That being said, your mind seems very made up in terms of how you want to handle things. If you think you should wait to contact her only if she contacts you first, more power to you. Most people are desperate to initiate contact when NC ends and I can’t say I will likely be any different, though I will try to restrain myself. If you do what you want and what you think is best, you ultimately win.
@Igor, you’re wrong because she’s the one who dumped me.
She knows she can contact me if she regrets it.
@between1standa. Thanks for your reply.The main reason I hate this 30-day No contact shit is because of, like you say, people are desperate to initiate contact.
It just reeks of desperation and false hope.
I don’t think that’s really a reflection of NC or the thirty days though, to be honest. I think that’s a reflection of the fact that thirty days is MORE than enough time for some people to be functional on their own, and not enough for others. And those others are the ones who will immediately cave to contacting their ex. I’m not saying one way is better than the other. It just shows that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution to these issues.
In all honesty, I think you need to cut a little bit of the judgment. I’ve read a number of YOUR posts and a number of your RESPONSES, and I don’t feel that your situation is completely hopeless. That being said, you really seem to look down upon people that you deem lesser than you or who aren’t doing what you would do. People who contact their exes after 30 days don’t “reek of desperation and false hope”. I mean true, it may not be to their benefit or to the benefit of their relationship yet, but no one looks stupid or should be looked down upon for making the choice to contact their ex after 30 days. Making it 30 days is a feat in and of itself, and technically they aren’t breaking Kevin’s rules if they go about it correctly. You seem bitter and upset about this process and how it has worked for you so far. That’s totally fair and I would be too. I am, actually. But don’t get up on your high horse about your story or your actions over anyone else’s. That’s not fair to others and just makes you look like a snot.
How can I be upset about a process?
I’m neither that or slightest bitter about it, it’s just that going 30 days No Contact and IGNORING your ex isn’t going to get you any where.
There are many things in the process that stand out so wrong to me:
1) Ignoring an ex who is reaching out to you is going to make you look like a douche and they won’t bother any more if you keep doing. The fact is if you ignore them the first time they might reach out again before the 30 days is up and if you continue to ignore them they’re going to move on completely. Fact.
2) Writing a letter to someone who dumped you makes me crease. It tells me that you think relationships work like in the movies. Sending them a letter is chasing them, which isn’t what you want to do if you want any chance of getting them back.
3) My ex contacted me 2 weeks after the break up, I didn’t ignore her because I wanted to let her know the lines of communication are open. I didn’t beg for her back, I didn’t even bring up the relationship or the break up … and the conversation was good and she actually wanted to speak with me.
On the flip side, most people here say that their ex either answers vaguely and with one word, or they don’t answer at all. That tells me they have been chasing.
Anyway, I’ve said my part many times.
I don’t even need to read what you wrote to address the gist of it. You say, “it’s just that going 30 days No Contact and IGNORING your ex isn’t going to get you any where.” If that’s the case, then why waste any time on this board? Why frequent it if you don’t believe in the method or don’t think it’s going to help your/anyone’s case? At that point, you basically occupy a space on this board just to tell people that what they’re doing isn’t going to help at all or amount to anything. That’s just flat out unkind and a waste of your time. If doing something else is working better for you, then do that! Seriously, by all the means! I didn’t come up with this method so I’m sure as hell not going to be offended by your comments. I just think that it’s really counterproductive for you to comment if you don’t believe in the system, and it probably does people more harm than good. Should people have false hope if their situation is completely dire? Of course not. But for some people who actually have a slight hint of hope and have decided to try Kevin’s method, reading your comments to them telling them that what they’re doing won’t help whatsoever is only going to hurt them and make a hard situation worse. Just be a decent human being.
@Solidturd I agree with between on this. First you should respect everyone’s opinion here.
Second, You do have a point. But from my experience on this you should never reject a method without trying it first. Everyone is thinking differently, things that won’t work for you might work for others.
If you feel like waiting for her to initiate first then do it. However keep in mind that even if she wants to contact you, she might feel bad doing it because she knows that SHE is the one who decided to break up, so maybe she would feel like it’s not her place contacting you after what she has done and probably won’t do anything about it at all.
I can tell you that I’ve followed Kevin’s plan and I feel good about it. Regardless of getting my ex back or not. I feel complete with myself because I know that I’ve tried my best! And right now the situation is a lot better with my ex and I know I wouldn’t have been in this place if I haven’t done anything.
Compromise is important. And if you initiate first it doesn’t show weakness, it shows that you are mature and forgiving.
@between1standa I like you’re insight would you mind sharing some advice to my recent post/situation?
So somehow, me, the one who got dumped in the first place, should take the reigns and get in contact with her? Where’s the logic in that?
She knows very well that I’m open to communication, that all she needs to do is send me a little text to reach out – whether it be “Hey” or “How you doing?”. It shouldn’t be up to me to think about some long ass text or letter to tell her that I accept the break up, etc …
When she dumped me she implicitly told me “I’m not interested in you and I want to move on”. So, basing on that, I’m nothing to her. Sure she might care about me, sure she might even want to be “friends” with me … but the ball is her court, not mine. If she regrets it, if she misses me and wants me back, she has to make the first move.
I love her, I care about her and I definitely want a relationship with her … but if she doesn’t want it, I’m moving on.
Hey there guys!
A bit of my thoughts here- Solid, this game of who makes contact first (which I have played lots and lots of times during the last year) seems silly, and it is.
The reason, well, one of them I guess, that she didn’t contact you yet, or pushed-pulled you and all that, is rather simple, at least, that’s how I see it; she’s the one who dumped you, and so she and all her friends think it was after careful thinking and not some rash decision. So, how the hell can she run straight back to you without looking like she’s this spineless girl who can’t back her own decisions up?
I’m not saying she’s like that, chances are she isn’t, but (and that’s one useful insight I got from Kevin), she has to be consistent in her decision. So yeah, while you showed that you’re open to communication (which is awesome) you need to realize a couple of things.
1. NC DOESN’T SOLVE THE PROBLEM- it doesn’t. But it gives you both breathing room, to think about all that was and let some of the bad (and good) stuff sink in. If you just get back together a month after the breakup, it’s only cuz you miss one another, maybe just the company, maybe the individual, but you’re not really thinking whether or not getting back is actually SMART.
2. There’s a very broad line between showing interest and chasing (been in both places), so yeah, showing her you still care for her as a person, while giving her the time and space she NEEDS (not wants, needs), makes you seem much less available, makes her wonder wtf, where’s this guy that used to be by my side all the time? Have I made a mistake? Because OBVIOUSLY you wanna get back, but you can’t force her to want what you want, she needs to realize how much losing you really is just that- a loss.
As to your last paragraph, come on man, who are you kidding? We’ve all said that last part, but nobody really means it.
What you’re going through is complete and utter shit, I’ve been there for the past 9 months, and I’m still there, and it’s shit, but I’ve made some peace with it.
Point is (since I’ve been rambling on forever), you’re right to think that NC doesn’t solve it, only working on it together does, but for that to happen, you need time. Not for her, screw her right now, FOR YOU! You got dumped, you wanna get back, and right now you’re having a shit go at life. But, and it’s a very important but, YOU ARE NOT THINKING STRAIGHT AT ALL (neither am I, but forget about that). As much as she needs time, so do you, cuz everything between you guys right now is in wayyyy high voltage, things need to cool down.
SOOOOO, to sum things up, things are shit, but they get better eventually. You can obsess about it all you want, but at some point (took me round 7 months), you’ll realize it doesn’t help one bit, it doesn’t increase your chances of getting back, it doesn’t do you any good, and it’s just not fun at all.
That’s what I think anyway…
I really can’t be bothered to answer all that, I’ve got a bomb of a hangover.
What I will answer is: our idea of No Contact is clearly different.
Kevin says No Contact is 30 days and you have to IGNORE your ex 100%. I think this is the version you feel is wrong, the one where no contact is being made whatsoever, even if the ex reaches out.
On the other hand, there’s the No Contact I’m following. The one where you DON’T contact your ex in any way, but you DON’T ignore her either.
I went NC as soon as the break up happened. I told her I didn’t want to be friends and that the only time I would want to hear from her is if she changed her mind. She contacted me 2 weeks in.
97% of men have no clue how women operate and have no idea how relationships/dating/flirting work. I’m one of them.
The whole thing about “My” version of No Contact is that it tells your ex “Either you contact me, or I’m out of your life for good”. Since she’s the dumper, SHE has to make the effort – not me.
I don’t know whether your ex contacted you or not during the 9 months …
Any way, I’m off for a kip.
The same thing is happening to me.
I haven’t spoken to my ex on my initiative for about a month and a half, the only time we speak is whenever she contacts me first, but I’m not sure if I’m doing the best thing by answering her when she contacts me.
She said she wanted to remain a friend and I told her I didn’t know if that would be possible. Our conversations have been OK, even though we had a couple of fights in the way.
Honestly I’m not sure if it’s best to answer her or if I did a better job by simply ignoring her…
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