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Hello Everyone. My ex and I were together for about 9 months of serious -almost getting married relationship. We had dated before for a couple of months a year earlier & stayed friends until our relationship started back in Sept 2013. we were very tender and happy. He was the most romantic man I’ve ever met, we had special things about us, like him twirling me while walking on the streets or dipping me for kisses, extreme PDA, great intimacy (said by him), internal jokes, dancing in the kitchen while cooking. His friends became our mutual friends, and even longtime guy friends of his (10+ years) would praise our love and ask for a wedding date. Sadly, we also fought every week, and often time I would walk out for days on end. He always chased me desperatedly, and I loved him enough to go back. Our fights were about lack of trust and jealousy. He had cheated on me the first month with his ex during a trip to Europe, and always had this “friends” he kept on the hooks for attention and flirting online. He changed many things for our relationship, I met his parents, we were talking about our life together. Suddenly he said he wanted to “see other people but not lose me” so I walked away and left him. He chased me crazy and two weeks later I finally responded, but he decided he needed more time (!!) so it’s been 2 months. We saw each other two weeks ago, and I kept my cool, he was soft and showed me our photos from our happy times, he held my hand and stroke my back, wanted to “twirl” me like in the past but I kindly said no. Hugged me for a long time at goodbye. We didn’t address the relationship until this week. While he is South America and over chat. A 2day long understanding of mine and his troubles. He insists he loves me deeply but needs to work on himself. He says he is growing a lot at the moment and “has not closed the book on us” but will figure it out. He doesn’t want to know if I am dating and tried to hide his status but I knew of a “friend”, he insists is nothing serious, they just hangout a few weeks ago and he is not interested in any woman at the moment, but has gone out on dates. He said asking me about dating is somehting he doesn’t want to know as it will only bring up hurt. He said he loves me even if I don’t believe it. Sent me “I miss you, and I miss us” -but no date request?! because it seems “I’m just feeling things, learning, and I don’t think i would be in a relationship in a while”, and “your own growth wil be good for you… but also us”. finally, asked to keep reaching out to me, and sent me a voice message with a band at 3 am in Lima. Now he’s gone quiet. What should I do? this doesn’t seem a pattern I can work from. Is there hope?? Thanks.
hey,
yes,there is a hope and you have been great until now.he is confused but he absolutely has feelings for you.if you have never been on NC,start it for 1 month.tell him you need some space to heal from the break up and you can be friends after some space.if you did NC,its ok.show him that you are busy and you care about your life like your job,or your goals in life.don’t chase him and don’t always contact him first.let him chase you sometimes.act like friends and show that you are doing great in your life even without him. don’t worry about the word friends,its the false friendship so you can get close to him and reattract him without looking needy.don’t say anything about getting back together or negative memories… . let it be his idea to get back.make positive changes in your life and be confident.once you meet him,he should feel the positive changes in you.as kevin suggested,read ryan rivers relationship rewind it explains what exactly you should do during different stages.also signup to kevin’s email series.
Good luck
Thanks, a.z. I appreciate the help. I did NC for 5 weeks and saw him a couple of weeks ago. But I’m worried that we chatted all our issues online and there might not be a chance. He might be too happy and comfortable to be single. Although he seems to miss me. Roller coaster. But what should I do next? Wait for him to contact me? Or should I listen to his “I’m doing a lot of growing, going out on dates, but I miss you” -if this is stuff men say to not hurt women, it is confusing.
i suggest you to wait for him to contact you.then tell him you need some space to move on and that you can be friends after some time.start NC for 1 month-6 weeks.
i’m saying this because i think its easier for him to hang out with others and somehow have you in his life he thinks you’ll always be there for him so he doesn’t have to be worried about losing you and he can continue dating with a relaxed mind.
follow the plan after NC.and work on yourself as much as possible so your changes can impress him.act like you have moved on and i’m sure it will increase your chances.
tbh it will be too long if i write the whole book here and thats why i suggested you to read it but don’t worry about acting like you have moved on,there will be a time that you can show your feelings in a right way.
in short,you’ll open the lines of communication.the meet up,you should totally act like friends and have a good time, avoid any negative talks,breakup reasons,don’t say anything about getting back together….
the second face to face,you should create scarcity,and he will feel like your presence is going to be over and he is losing you forever cuz you may be interested in someone else.you should act like friends, be nice,again no negative words or anything about getting back together.
the third face to face,which should be a perfect date.and end up in a place that you two can be intimate and talk about getting back together.
each of the steps has specific details and its really important to use it the right way in a right timing.
Ok, thanks. He hasn’t made contact yet, I wonder if it was too much altogether. I thought having had 5 weeks of NC was enough -this is a man who hates being alone and has many women waiting on the friend zone. I’m feeling hesitant about another full month. Will a couple weeks be better?
Also, I’ve been trying to buy Relationship Rewind as you suggested, for the past hour and it seems to go through a “reserve spot” and not go for download 🙁 dunno how to get the system and the extras.
well,i think its he won’t believe that you are moved on during 2,3 weeks.so i guess 4-6 weeks will be better.and you don’t have to worry about what he is doing or what may happen during NC.you should concentrate on your life and try to be happy and confident.you need to help yourself to reattract him.and positive changes are really important.don’t contact him unless you feel really good about your life without him.
I don’t know what to do. I think his messages of “I love you deeply” “we were great” and “I haven’t closed the book on us” are lies. Maybe I should just give up. He isn’t starting any conversations. He’s dating and there’s only talk about how “good the love between us is” , yet no sign of reconciliation. Mixed messages. I think he did with other exes to keep them in hooks for a while.
hey,
He may be lying and he may not be.you can focus on the negative voices in your head so you will stop NC from doing the main purpose of it of making you a happy confident person,or you can focus on your life and let yourself to decide at the right time.
I don’t think if judging would be a good idea.you met him 2 weeks ago and its not that long since he said those good things to you.itsI know exactly how you feel cuz i have been there before.i used to overanalyze his words and actions and i kept thinking that he was just trying to keep me in his life and every time it really freaked me out and i did what i shouldn’t have.so don’t overanalyze anything about him.
Its really up to you whether to believe him or not.kevin says most of the times when it comes to break ups,moving on is the best decision but there are still some people who want to give it a try and endure the pain.
I was one of those people and i don’t feel bad about it.there is nothing left for me to regret about and there is no i should have..,could have.. or anything.Its been only 2 months and if i were you,i wouldn’t let it go just now.
Be strong and concentrate on yourself and i really wish you all the best.Dear Gigi,
I have read your posts here!
Well, a gentleman won’t hurt any lady by saying things like, “I’m doing good. I am dating other women”, no matter if its just platonic. That hurts anyone! Don’t deceive yourself by saying that men act like that.
Next point is that, he cheated on you in the first month when everything should be really perfect. It wasn’t perfect even in the honeymoon stage!
There is a point about cheating; when someone cheats, he/she will probably do it again.
To my understanding he is stringing you around. One day, he is in good mood while on the other day he is not in great mood to act.
I also understand that maybe he was the most romantic man you have ever seen but twirling and kissing has nothing to do with being royal or not dating other girls/women.
Rihanna (another participant here) once made a great point somewhere which I believe was a result her search on this topic. She said, some men love chasing women. If you want him to chase only you, make it really tough on him. Don’t initiate contacts unless he does it.
However, my suggestion is to move on.
There are a lot of gentlemen out there!
Well, I sent him a message letting him know his delayed responses make me think he is not ready for a friendship with me yet, and I wished him well. He immediately wrote back 2 times in 10 hours asking to see me and sort things out. We met last wed. For drinks. He got very emotional and teary-eyed about how wonderful I was to him and how “there’s deep deepnlove between us”. I let him toast to our old pet names, he held my hand and caressed my arm, talked again about changes he is makimg and all the growing up he is doing. He avoided talking about any dates as important, but said to be a little jealous knowing that I am gping on dates (I had one scheduled right after and the guy called me during drinks), he said “he is cute”. He was very emotional and said how it’s hard on dates to find what we were, how my stuff is still on the same place. I allowed him to twirl me on the street like he used to. He hugged mw tightly goodbye and I went for a soft kiss, which he accepted at first, and soon returned passionately. We smiled and I drove off. It’s been 3 days and no word from him. I went to his blog and noticed (don’t know when) he has switched me from “gf” to “partner”, and any “dear G” to “a friend”. I’m crying and don’t know what to do next. Any direction? I was using the blog and the relationship rewind by the book 🙁
Typo. That was 4 times in 10 hours, including small talk about how he would like my help revamping his office.
Hey Gigi,
Let your tears out, you will feel better. Memories don’t go away, so cherish them. I’ve felt you pain before and it felt terrible. You’re not alone and I want you to know that you’re special. He wouldn’t have treated you so nicely if you weren’t special to him. It’s hard to let go, I know because you are afraid. Think about the positive traits you have, close your eyes and keep your heart calm. You’ve done enough for him, it’s time for you to treat yourself better. When you feel better, go out and have a walk and think of the beauty of someone fe itself. You’ve gone so far now and you have a lot more to go. We are always here, feel free to contact us, I hope you feel better soon. Keep smiling.
Oh Edward. .. it’s over, right? I’m afraid of course. Love hurts sometimes, thanks for your kindness.
Only time can tell for sure, you just have to do your best and control what you can, which is yourself. If you learn to be happy without him, you’ll be happier whether he is back or not. When you felt miserable like you were, you have to calm yourself. When you let go and keep your mind clear, your decisions will be clearer. Don’t lose yourself to your emotions, you are stronger than that. You still have a chance, but you have to stay strong inside. Let him initiate contact on you, you dont have to do anything, you’re good where you are. If he doesn’t contact you, don’t worry and keep moving in life and stay happy. Life is too short to feel sad, don’t wait for him, you have endless opportunities, taking care of yourself is more important.
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