Mass Confusion & How To Proceed

Okay, so I’ll start completely from the beginning. Me and my now current ex met at our old job about two years ago. A year after, I finally got the courage to get her number. We text, became good friends, etc. We always talked to eachother at work and I loved her since then. She was the only woman in the room to me and that was special to me because love is a feeling I’m not so familiar with.

But, I just knew. Anyways, time went by. And I invited her to go on a camping trip with me and my family. After I finally kicked the anxiety, I kissed her. It was like fireworks and I was immediately hooked. Things were good. I was completely happy. But, we both started going through our own Devils and drifting away from one another. She was discontent with me because I’m not so great at expressing or explaining how I feel. She thought I didn’t care about her. But really I was dealing with my own problems (depression, anxiety,etc.) and so was she. She was very emotionally unstable. We fought a lot about things, like me not taking her out very much and not making her feel special.

But she was the most special thing in the world to me, but I was just in such a darkness that I was bad at showing it. We’d been dating for about 7 months before she left me the first time. I’d never been so shattered and cried so much before in my life. The next day I just stayed in my bed all day in the darkness. But, she came to see me and I kissed her and we got back together that day. Things continued to be bumpy, but I didn’t realize how distant I had become until it was too late. A couple days after Valentines Day she texts me and says something similar to this while I was at work: “I’m going to dinner with a friend and then I’ll come see you.” She never came to see me. And then, the next day she texts me something similar to this: “I think we need to take a break from things, I need to become a more well-rounded individual, but I’ll always have mad love for you.” I agreed with her because I was so caught up with the difficulties of my own life. A week had gone by and she had text me asking me if I still wanted to take care of her rats and to go get them that weekend. I said I would try.

But then one night while I was work, a mutual friend of ours had told me she was seeing someone else already and she had been cheating on me (which later come to find out this friend wasn’t a friend at all and tried hitting on her a week after we broke up and she never cheated on me, but had been with someone else), this crushed me. So naturally, I got drunk and angry. I text her saying the most bitter things. She blocked me off of everything. A month later, I really started sinking. I was drinking, chain smoking almost two packs a day, and smoking a lot of pot. The pain of thinking she cheated on me and was happy with someone else killed me inside. I didn’t want to think of her touching someone else and telling them the sweet words that had been earlier meant for me. I had been sedating myself to keep the pain away and her off my mind. I had also been having sexual affairs with some hoe to try and make myself feel better. This was not the case. I felt even worse and realized how much I really needed her and how much I loved her. We fought a lot, but she had always taken care of me and I wanted her love again. So, this brings me to the middle/end of May 2016.

I was still at the height of my drinking. I missed her so much, so naturally I flooded her with drunken, needy texts. And tried to pity her into being with me again, telling her how much I miss her and how much of a mess I’ve been since she’s been away. Sometimes she seemed alright with it, sometimes she was cross about it. We started hanging out more and more. But, all I did when we were together was cry or I was drunk. One day, we were sitting in her room on her bed and she asked me why I wasn’t cuddling her. So, I did. And we hungout and kissed and being intimate. This really messed me up. She would say things like “I have love for you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.” and “You’re still special to me, but I don’t want to ever be with you again.” I wasn’t making it easy for her with my completely constant, needy, and obnoxious behavior. But, I felt so confused and upset and continued to act like an idiot. But, she was saying really mean things and talking about all the guys she’s been going on dates with and how she’s been kissing other guys and that she doesn’t know why I think she’d want to spend so much time with me when we weren’t even dating.

That phone call she had also told me she wanted the only things I hadn’t thrown away of hers back(but, she kept the things I had gotten her from our past relationship which I still don’t understand if she doesn’t want me) and this made me cry the most. She said she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, but she doesn’t think it’s good for me to see her anymore. I got home, got drunk and sent her a message (that I don’t remember sending because I was drunk) and cried, cried, cried. I’m not a cryer, but she was/is the only person that has made me feel so intense to the point of crying. I called her and apologized, she said everything that had happened was not something wrong with me, but with her and we talked about anime. I haven’t called/talked to her since that day. After discovering Kevin’s website I found it odd how relatable and relevant what he wrote was. She’s hit me up twice and I haven’t answered. Which is odd, because the thought that she would even talk to me on her own amazes me. But, I haven’t given in. I’m wondering what I should do here.

It’s been about a week since no contact, but I’ve slipped up once. I’m wondering if maintaining no contact is the best thing to do here. I’ve already made a big change this week by getting my drivers license and got a couple other things in order. I don’t feel as needy and compelled to talk to her as before. I know now to tread carefully and take it slowly and have no expectations. What haunts me the most is the memories. I’m living in the past. Should I not talk to her even though I feel ready? It’s not so much that I miss dating her necessarily. But, we had become good friends before dating and the relationship kind of ruined that in a way. I miss having her as a friend, but the lingering memories of having her as a lover haunt me. What should I do?