MADE IT

Hello everybody!
I went MIA for months,so for those who don’t know, here is my story

First things first the reason of my radio silence is that I no longer needed to write or ask things.
Before sounding ungrateful let me explain, I just figured that if the point of all of this is to grow to be a better version of myself ,shouldn’t I try to believe more in myself?
Yes thing happens and for the most of the time not in the way that you want, but part of growning up is to take the punch and get back on your feet.

But let’s get to what you want to know: I’M BACK WITH MY EX

It happened in January but the road from November was hell believe me. I can’t explain and write things in the specific because it was such a mess of things, emotions and mistakes,but I can write down the major experiences that I lived.
I had a break down after knowing that one night he came back early from an happy hour with us because he was meeting someone (who didn’t show up for various reasons).
That lead to an open face to face with him during which I clearly told him that I still love him and I can’t control what to feel in certain situations and if he’s not there to witness then it’s none of his concern.

FRom that point we were civil but I chosed not to take shit from him anymore …or at least I stopped worried about how he could react to my behaviour , I was simply tired .
Then came the new year party with everyone at his place. That’s when I touch the bottom. Don’t want to be specific but let me just tell you: alcohol+alcohol+alcohol+ clubbing + crying in front of everyone.
yay …great time.

Then just one thing was left: the trip to amsterdam.
that was really fun and they were 5 great days with him and 3 more friends.
But that was it, I made a promess to myself that after the trip I’ll disappear from his life, I was beginning to lose myself.

and then I’ve began to move on.

I was still rarely in conctact with him but I was minding my own business .

From there things turn for the best for me and for the worst at the same time. His bestfriend asked me out .
The idiot didn’t even asked to him(bro code) if he was ok with it.
Short story: We went out for drinks , we talked about him (my fault) and I let him kiss me out of lonelyness ( and it felt terrible, yuck) but that’s it .

Then I went out clubbing with some friends who inveted two dudes, one of them actually really interesting .
Short story we had some “fun”, but I actually couldn’t go to the end because I noticed I wasn’t ready.
Felt a bit guilty but also I felt like it was time and that I could actually move on seriously this time , just needed to go slower.

The hurricane of desperation came 2 days later. Since this guy worked with my ex and the friend , out of respect he told him what happened and that he was sorry.
My friends said to me that he took it hard , but it was worst when he said to him that his friend asked me out( he didn’t know what happened).
In the end he showed up the next morning looking for some explanation, he was made and felt betrayed , to which I couldn’t do much but telling him that I was sorry and that I was finally trying to move on so he didn’t have any part in that.

He was shocked, pale and he was almost crying in front of me because he was angry at his friend who asked me out without telling him and he told me he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t whatch me with him.
Then he vent about how I was the one who asked to be friends and then never texted me no more and that he actually miss that and so on …
I was pretty confused by that and he was confusing , I could see that he was deeply hurt and he was babbling.
Then he went home because he wanted to talk to that friend and he neede rest since that night he was working too.

in the afternoon he called me and he vent about the same things again and that even if I was part of the problem he wanted to get it out with me because I was still important in his life and he felt like no one could have listened to him better.

The turning point was when in the evening he text me asking if he could came over after work (~ 12:30pm).
I was scared because I couldn’t think of something else that I might have done.

In the end he came and he was in such a state!!
sweating, nervous, embarassed like a little child still in work clothes .
He told me that what was about to say wasn’t easy for him and that this was the most difficult thing that he ever did till now.
in short he said that he still loved me and that if I gave him a chance he’ll give me 100% of him.
He admitted that maybe before he wasn’t so committed and ready , but now he understood that he wanted a serious relationship with me.
I was speechless and I actually asked if he was fooling me , but he was dead serious.
Of course inside me I was like crazy jumping, but I kept myself cool because I didn’t want to jump in his arms just yet.
I mean …I told him that he must be sure of this and that If he was certain that he wasn’t out of possessive jealousy.
But was so sincere and scared like a little child that I believed him when he told me that in fact he was thinking about my change for few weeks.
I still told him that I would not jump in this eyes closed and we needed to go slow with this , but yes I gave in.

Now 5/6 months passed and there’s not a single day that we regret this decision , we’re so happy now .
He’s so much better and attentive and romantic, and I can see and sense that he’s more serious about us, we’re still young and have things to do for ourselves but we don’t have afraid of thinking in a near future to go live together.

This blog and the people who helped me taught me a lot , but the most of the work is thank to myself.
I had really bad days and went to the bottom , but I slowly got on my feet again every time .

Maybe not everyone will be lucky with their ex , but let me tell you:

it hurts, it hurts so bad and that could last a month or even six or ten but it get better.
I’ve learn that I could still live without him, not easy never said it was but I was ready to do so.
I was just lucky that he came back and I didn’t ask him to, but if he didn’t came back to me I would have still be fine.

Don’t give up on yourself and especially don’t live how you think she/he would like it.
Do it for yourself

PS: probably there will be tons off errors but I’m writing from my phone and I’m rambling . sorry?