Long Distance Relationship

@Andi

Finally, finally, FINALLY! Some picture of her – and not from Snapchat! On Snapchat I can see the pictures only for some seconds, but now, I can “examine” her 😀
So, okay, the short hair thing was fake. And I can’t even see the highlighted part of her hair in these pictures.
No bad words about her, but she is definitely not successful in losing weight.
She took off all the bracelets from her arm. She had a lot and she loved them! We had a pair of common bracelet which she made for both of us during the time when her parents were very strict and did not allowed the relationship in the beginning. I’m a boy, so I didn’t wear it all the time, only when I met with her, but hers was attached to her arm in a way that she could never take it off – except with scissors. Mehh. I’m curious about what did she do with it after she cut it down. Actually, I don’t know where is mine, but I’m sure that I put it somewhere safe.
When I look at her I don’t feel like I’m going mad for her. But I still find her attractive and pretty. Not in a romantic way – If I saw an unknown random nice girl at the street, I would think the same.

Mini update :
She just simply liked the video on Facebook. So, yeah, as I have expected.
It alsó turned out that she went out this night as well. She wrote to the gruop chat when she came home. She said that her ex wanted to make her drunk – however, I think she was drunk in fact. It’s also strange that she used the word ex. Exactly one year before she wrote to the gruop chat that she does not like to use this word in any content. However, she only has one ex beside me. That relationship lasted for only one month and it was several years ago.
To be honest, I dont like what she is becoming. I find her annoying sometimes.

(typing from mobile)

@Andi

Your ex will be in London for 3 months?! :O Oh my god! That must be worse than I thought. If you decide to visit her, try to somehow avoid to see her with the other guy. According to myself, even the fact that you know that she might be attracted to someone is really cruel and hurts to know, not to talk about seeing her with her new partner.
Yeah, my ex was drunk when she wrote messages to the chat, but these were only some messages, and no one reacted to her 😀 And she was not that drunk that she lost her mind, just… Well, you can tell if someone is at least a little bit drunk, even from chat messages 😀
I don’t know how I should find out her changes. The ones that I already know are not appealing to me. Maybe I know the next step. But I still need time to outline things, and think about my current situation. The last weeks were really busy, so I couldn’t really care about my personal life.

So, concerning me, basically, nothing happened since my last post.
My ex is at a two day long class trip right now. I remember that last year when she went to class trip we were already talking constantly, and the day before she was joking “oh, you will miss me sooo much, right?:D”. We’ve known each other for only one or two weeks but actually I really missed her. I’m a kind of shy guy and I’m not so talkative, and she was the very first (and still the only one) person in my life with who I could talk constantly about anything. Now, there’s no one I can talk to anytime about anything, and that’s why I feel like something is missing from my everyday life. Of course I have friends with who I can talk a lot, and tell a lot of things, and also the people from the group chat are the very best friends of mine, but… I think you know what I’m talking about. She was special.
Well, considering how talkative am I, she is exactly the opposite of me: she can talk a lot! I mean… How shall I explain… At a certain context, with some certain people I can be very talkative as well, but she is talkative much more in general, and she can also communicate better in person/in private with a certain person.
She is a great company to anyone. If she was more like the other girls in these days (bitchy clothing, etc:D) she would have tons of suitors.
About the class trip it also came to my mind that last year, my class trip was one month later than hers. We had a really good and close relationship by that time (in a friendship level). I remember that when my roommates got into my nerves I phoned her, and we were talking for half hour. It was a really new thing for me. Before her, I had no one to call in these cases.
The month May was also the time of the start of the night long phone calls. I mean, literally night long. There were some weekends when we talked from night until morning. The record was 8 hours, from 11PM to 7AM. I don’t know how it started, but it was her idea. At first, I thought she just wants to talk for some minutes, only for fun, or as a joke. But as it turned out, not.
These phone calls were so… Hmm, I don’t know the word for it, but I’ll remember them forever. They had such a strange (in a good way) and exotic atmosphere and mood. It was like an exciting adventure.
I was always really afraid that I can’t talk with her that long, because as I’ve mentioned I’m not so talkative, and I feared that the conversation will end awkwardly after some time. But it never happened.
The relationship thing also came up during one of this calls. As I recall, it was around the middle of June, or maybe early June. Her friends told her that she should date with me, and she told me about that, so we mentioned it some times before, like “what if we…”, but it was the very first time we talked about it deeply.
It was around 3 or 4 AM. I don’t know what I said exactly. Something like “if you were my girlfriend”, “if we were dating”, “when we will fall in love” etc. So, I don’t remember the sentence, but I do remember the feeling: when I said that sentence, a strange feeling immediately popped out in my head, and I was like: Oh my God, what the hell, I will be in a relationship with that girl!
Oohh, how I miss those nights and those times! We were so happy and so curious about each other. And now, here we are one year later, and there’s nothing, just a past, and just memories – without any future or present – which are slowly fading away.
I’m really upset now. I have a huge “down” period recently.
The whole thing is like a battlefield in my mind. It feels like my feelings collide. I want to live with her so much, I want to love her again with the “New Me”, but I don’t like her changes, I have doubts concerning the future relationship, and I’m afraid as hell.

Huh. I wrote a lot 😀 I felt I have to give out these things. And in the beginning of the post I said nothing happened. Maybe the less happens outside, the more happens inside my mind 😀

@Andi

Huh, it’s a huge advantage that she won’t be with that guy all along 😀 I don’t know what she’s doing with him, but she will be alienated from him after some time.
I myself feel the same. A part of me is missing. I’ve also described this feeling as it’s like I am locked out of a world – out of her world. I got to know her so much. I knew every little part of her and her life.
I have this metaphor from a song lyrics, saying: “There’s a world in her, at the gates of it, the promised land is waiting for you” (not exact translation, but, meh. I used to listen to this song a lot after the break up.)

Tomorrow it will be the day of the film shooting for the school project. The idea to make it in these few days came out of the blue, but I’m really looking forward it! 😀 Of course, I’ll send the video to the group, and I’ll send it in a way that my ex will sure watch it! (it sound kind of evil :D).

My ex has just returned from her class trip. She sent a weird picture to the group chat: herself in swimwear. Of course, it’s totally normal to see girls in swimwear, but there are two things: first is that people in that chat usually don’t send these kind of picture there. Actually, most of us do not really send pictures of ourselves at all. The second thing is that last year when I got to know her and during we were together she said several times that she doesn’t want me to see her in swimwear. Because she is shy, not satisfied with herself, etc…
No other comment is needed I think. But seriously, what the hell?!
However, from this picture, I can definitely tell that she is not only unsuccessful at losing weight, but what’s more, she may got more weight. But in the aspect of reconciliation it wouldn’t be a problem for me. As I’ve said, she is not fat, just curvy. And I think I like curvy girls, which might be ironic because I’m thin as hell 😀
Hmm, I looked it up as well, and I have 120k messages with my ex on Facebook.
I think I’m getting out from the down period. It hurts less, but I’m still asking myself “why did her love fade away?”.
The “more than love” thing is very familiar to me. My ex said several times that it’s not only a romance, she loves me and respects me as a person, as a human being, not just as her boyfriend.
I also had to face the problem of cutting. Not me or my ex was the one who used to do this, but my friend, the other girl. Actually, me and the people from the group chat helped her through it. But it was a long time ago, my ex was not part of the community yet.
It just came to my mind that this girl was there at the beginning of the relationship and also at the end of it. She was the first who texted me after the day we got together, and who I told it first, and she was the first who I run to after the break up. That’s why I’m saying why she is so important for me. Maybe it’s better that we did not get involved in a relationship when I was in love with her, because it could have destroyed this strong friendship bond. She is not that kind of only very best friend, because the others (especially other two boys) were always beside me and I could always count on them too, but I don’t know, if I had to decide who is the most important in my life at the moment, I would say her, and on the second and third places there would be those two guys.

To be honest, I think I know the next step. I mean, in connection with the “thing” with my ex. And it’s very simple: meet with her.
It might be the best possible way to find out what I want and how I look at her. And how she looks at me! And of course, she will see the New Me for the first time.
But I’m not thinking of a twosome (I hope it’s an existing and appropriate word) meeting: there would be some king of a party. I just have to ask one of my friend to organize it. There was a party at New Year’s Eve at my place, and near the end of it, a boy said that we should repeat this party with the same people at his place. And my ex was there at New Year’s Eve, of course, so she would be invited to this party as well. The question is whether she will accept the invitation or not. She will know that I will be there, so there will be no unwanted surprises. But when a party like thing was mentioned last time in the group chat (1-2 weeks after our break up) she said that she wouldn’t go because of her exams. I don’t know if it was because of her exams, or rather because of me, but she is having less and less exams now, so… I don’t know. Too complicated. But I think if there was a party like this where I can meet with her, it would be the biggest possible step that I could take in the process of getting her back – or deciding whether I really want to get her back or not. Well, considering the whole getting back together process, maybe not the biggest, but since the break up, obviously. Of course, I changed a lot, she saw it in the video, and etc, but these are like just background works. Maybe these had some impact on her – of course they did – and there may have been some changes in our minds and personality, but considering the facts, and the real happenings, nothing changed. By real happenings I mean we are still not together, still not talking to each other, etc.

P. S. In the recent days I had lunch at my grandma, and she cooks really well. I managed to reach 66,6 kgs now! 😀