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Posts
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i read it right now.. so nice night more or less 😀
no problem – any update is a good update ^^
dont worry about that boy. he might be interested but i dont think she is 🙂
Yeah i know how you feel.. there is so much to do for school for me aswell.. :I
and i must not fail those exams!
the worst part is that right after i come back from my ex i have a latin exam and i’m really bad at latin and struggle a lot to get enough points to pass. i will have to learn when i’m there but hey maybe she think that’s good because to be honest i never really learned much even though i got bad grades in latin :/
I’m not really proud of it i was just lazy since everything else in school went fine and well.. now i have to face the consequences :/oh well 1 day isn’t to bad 🙂
to be absolutely honest i’d like to meet my ex one week later and not this weekend but well.. cant really change it now ^^just be yourself. be your new self but don’t try to force it… i don’t really know how to say it… “let it flow” just do what you do and don’t think about it too much! 🙂
Actually there wasn’t a lot happening today for me. Still talking to other girls but no meeting yet. Even though i was really productive today there wasn’t a lot going on.. 😀
I went to the gym, went to the library, visited my mum in hospital, cleaned the basement and went to school… and BAAAM one day passed.. 😀
feels strange ^^Personaly i still dont know if i want to smell at the shirt again…
It is in a shelf next to my bed and sometimes in the night when my face is facing in its dircetion i can smell it. even though it 30cm away and there’s a small wooden border between me and the shirt. Most of the time i try to get as much of the smell in my nose untill i can’t smell it anymore because i got used to it and then i turn around to face the other direction and then eventually i fall asleep. But since the NC i didn’t actively grad the shirt and put it on my face anymore (that sounds sooooo stupid xD ) and i still dont know if i should or if i should wait till the 18th to smell her perfume on her body and not on the shirt ^^
#RandomThoughts haha 😀Looking forwart to you next update 🙂
-AndiHuh, okay, I have a little more time today.
I can understand your problem 🙁 I’ll have a lot to learn before the filming and the gamer event, and on the week after the gamer event as well. My ex is busy too: she will have an english language exam, a pre-final exam, and something else that I don’t remember. She’s the leader of the Student’s Parliament at her school, so basically, she always has a lot to do. I remember how stressful was she at the beginning of the school year (September). She was very inpatient and short-tempered. We had some “mini fights” because of it, but all of them ended when she said “oh, f*** school, I wish you were here and hug me from behind, and interrupt me in the work. It would be the best kind of interruption”.
I think, for me, the happenings in my life are more important than school. It’s funny that 1-2 years before school was more important, and those grades and exams were not counted as points for university, while the grades I get these days will influence how I will manage to attend a university 😀If you don’t feel bad about it, and you don’t start to miss her so badly – and you like the smell – I think it’s okay to smell her shirt 😀 Actually, it’s a piece of her. It has an intangible value.
As I’ve mentioned, my ex was at a concert last night. She arrived home last night, but she did not write anything since then! Neither to the group chat, nor to me. However, yesterday morning she said she would tell me an idea after the concert. The idea must be about the webpage, but I don’t know what is it. Strange. She usually writes often to the group chat.
For me, nothing happened today. However, as the filming is getting closer, I’m becoming more and more uncertain. I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not. But maybe I’m just crazy. Actually, I’m famous of my uncertainty, I make decisions really hard >< But I want to change. And this is the only way to change. So I’ll do it. Only those can win, who have taken the risks! 😀
About the interviews, I still have to convince myself, and gather a little braveness 😀Weekend is coming quickly, only few more days until the big day for both of us! 😀
Yeah.. school is rough and it’s even more annoying now that the weather is so nice here. We had 25°C today ! And all I did was stuff for school… and well..Ii went to some stores to buy sunglasses 😀
I have similar memories.. back then when my ex still went to school she was often very busy and from time to time when we met I managed make her feel relieved and less stressed about finals…
Well.. that’s the point. I don’t want to risk missing her before being with her again. I don’t want to recall all those feeling that I had for her. If I smell it and I miss her badly again I won’t be able to decide and think rationally..
But on the other hand it smells so good… 😮
….I feel like it’s a drug :’D
I guess I better don’t do it and I’ll see what happens on Saturday 🙂Don’t worry too much about it. Probably she was just tired or forgot to do it 🙂
Well.. our problem right now is that there is no right and wrong. No matter what we do we have to live with that decision and in the end we will have to make it to be the right decision. (I hope you understand what I mean 😀 )
A small advice for the interview… just remember that those guys and girls don’t know you… you can do anything you want 😛 😀
Now.. for me there was an interesting turn of events today. I learned that this new girl I’m writing with (the one I told about my ex) actually has a very similar problem ^^
she told me that she has still contact with her ex and that he has a new GF and both of them seem to be quite wealthy and now he also get very expensive gifts from that GF and he tells her how well he is doing and feeling and obviously she is quite sad about it. But I talked a lot with her today and gave her some of the useful hints from you, this website and also from the book I read and then she might be able to recover rather quickly. 🙂
To be honest I don’t really know what to do with her and our friendship if I get back together with my ex since we had and have this sexual attraction. So on the one hand I should cut contact so nothing can happen but on the other hand she is also a friend now which I know a lot of and I get along with quite well… I don’t know…
If me and my ex get back together on Saturday I’ll have to think about it. If we don’t then I can just continue doing what I’m doing ^^
So to be REALLY honest… I wouldn’t even mind that much if I stay single. I guess I’d still stay in NC with my ex just to be sure that I don’t get any heartache because of her but then I guess I can manage to be friends with her and just do what I do. However if both of us are happily in love again (which might happen – but I doubt it to be honest) then I’m also really happy to not be single again ^^
So I guess I’m fine with both possibilities and I guess that’s the point of “sort of getting over her” 🙂I guess the worst case scenario would be that I get feelings for both girls and in the end both of them don’t want to be together with me xD
-Andi
Aaaand it hasn’t stopped! 🙁 More tests were announced for the next week. The point when I had the “please kill me” feeling was the one when the teacher announced the history chapter test for Monday – right after the filming! And history is the class that I learn on advanced level, so for a chapter test I have to learn like a whole notebook. Ahhgr. It really gets on my nerves!
And I’m also worrying about the filming, especially, because of the weather. Very strong wind and low temperature is forecasted (and we want to do it in a park).
And as I’ve said, I’m also uncertain about more and more things.
Times are so hard now. I can only hope that 1-2 weeks later everything will be fine.The situation of the girl you’ve mentioned and her ex is familiar to me: the girl that I’ve talked about had/have a similar problem. She was only together with her ex for 5 months, but she’s still suffering. Her ex’s new girlfriend is one of her own friend. She said that I helped her a lot when I talked to her about my own break up. However, the plot twist comes: she was the one who broke up! Pretty strange. But at least, I know from her that a break up is really hard for each half – it might be even harder for the person who did it.
If you want to develop a closer relationship with her – even if it’s just friendship – I think you should help her if you can. If you get back together with your ex, you don’t have to cut contact with her: you’ll be in love with your ex (well, at least, this is what we hope). You may find her attractive, but the love towards your ex will be strongly dominating over you. So, if she doesn’t want more than friendship all the way, and you enjoy her company, you can be friends in my opinion. In this case, you’ll have a girl friend with who you can talk about possible issues and concerns in your future relationship.
Actually, you’re in the best possible position right now, if you would be okay with both cases: getting back together or stay single. You won’t feel the risk when you meet with her, so you’ll be able to act more free, and there’s no wrong way for you. That will give you confidence, that she’ll see. Try to keep this situation. But be aware, you don’t know what feelings will she ignite in you when you meet!My ex wrote some usual thing to the group chat. She didn’t say anything about the concert. And she didn’t write that idea to me.
She is going to an other concert on Saturday – but this time, with THAT boy.
Today I’ve also tried out something new. We had some gap lessons in school, so we went out to drink. Actually, I’ve became a little bit drunk 😀 But really just a little bit. It’s still a big word because it’s very rare that I’m drunk. It was kind of fun to go to the last literature class after it 😀Beside my concerns that have already existed, there’s one more thing I have to think about. This question came to my mind: Do I really want to get her back? I mean: HER, who she is really, and not the girl who I want her to be. I’m definitely not saying that I don’t want to get her back, but after 2 months things are coming clear. Lot of time has passed, I’ve changed a lot, my feelings have changed… I don’t know. I’m really uncertain. However, I still can’t imagine the future without her. My sister’s story comes to my mind over and over.
Oh, how fast time has passed :O The day after tomorrow will be 18th. Are you getting excited? 😀 What about the preparations? 😀
Oh my.. i am sorry for you :/
Yes i’m sure that ecerything will be fine 🙂
Huh.. that’s actually quite a good point. That way i can still be friends with her but obviously we would have to stop talking dirty haha :DD
Yes that’s what i’m thinking aswell. Now that i’m fine with every scenario i can’t really do anything “wrong”. I’ll try to stay very rationally while meeting with my ex.
And actually speaking of her – she wrote me again because my letter finaly arrived! She thanked me for the letter and told me that it smelled like me (i did put a small ammount of perfume on it but denied doing so to her ^^).
We kept writing and actually i dont know hiw to translate some of that since i’m already quite tired but main point is that i she noticed that i’m over her and she asked why i’m visiting her when i dont even really want her back. And i told her that i’d like to spend some time with her and talk with ber about the breakup and the stuff that was happening and so on. And she told me that it’s a bit too much for her and that she writes back later.
Seems like she’s not over me at all so i guess i have good chances at getting back together with her but i will only do so if i feel like it. Well.. we’ll see on saturday/sunday 🙂Haha nice job 😀 being drunk at school is something quite rare and interesting i guess 😀
Yes i myself asked myself that question aswell and there is no other way to find out except by meeting up with her. So i’ll just have to bite the bullet.. if she has changed into someone that i don’t love or don’t even like then it’s just over. If i do enjoy her new personality or if she hasn’t changed and i still like and love her, i’m good to go for a restart of the relationship 🙂
That’s absolutely true.. for me nearly a month has passed since she broke up and it actually feels like it was 2 years ago.. i dont know why but the strict NC brought a lot of space between me, her and the breakup. So actually i think i wouldn’t even be able to just continue the relationship. With that much new space between us i just automatically start a new one with her which is quite good 😀
-Andi (mobile)
Haha, the idea about the perfume wag a good one 😀 You can use that perfume when you’ll meet with her.
It’s really good that she sees that you are over her. I wish I would have a conversation like this with my ex. Maybe that will be the next step after the filming and the interviews.
If your ex asks why do you want to talk about the break up, you can say that you want to know what was wrong and what mistakes did you make, because you don’t want to make the same mistakes in your next relationship. It may hurt her, but she’ll surely see that you’re over her and you’re preparing yourself for a next possible relationship (with someone else).My ex is very excited about the concert on Saturday. I don’t know if it is because of the band that will play or because of the boy with who she will go :S (or both, lol)
And I’m getting more excited as well. The day of the filming will be the day after tomorrow, and I’m afraid of it a little bit. I’m very uncertain about myself, and I don’t know how my friends will welcome my changes, and the “New Me”. I’m also nervous because I don’t know how well I’ll act in the video. And as I’ve mentioned, the weather is going against me too. Ahh. Too much thing are getting on my nerves! 🙁Actually, I don’t feel that I’m ready for a restart (I mean, a new relationship) with my ex. It’s like… I need more time to find myself. And not time like a strict NC, some weeks – I need months. And as I think, the “restart” won’t happen during some days. I’m changing. She’s changing… Uhm, in a very weird way, but yeah…
We need some time to let the “New Me” and “New Her” fall in love with each other again.Oh, You’ll have your “big day” tomorrow! 😀 Be prepared for everything. Be confident, cool, and don’t be needy or pushy. Be the New Yourself. Just let things flow – however, you have to care about everything. It’s a little bit contradictory, but I hope you understand what I’m talking about 😀
Remember what things did we talked about and what you read on this webpage, and recall your experiences that you’ve gained during the period since the break up.
Best wishes, and… get back that girl, man! 😀 (or decide during the meeting whether if you really want to get her back or not).
Fingers crossed for you! 🙂P. S. Don’t forget to tell me what happened! 😀
Ofcourse i will do so 😀
Well yes i am so much over her that i would rather spend this night at someone elses place than hers.. which makes me feel a little bit weird..
I will try to talk as little about the relationship as possible. I really just want to have a nice time with her. Maybe when i realise that it is really over then i might ask her again what the main mistakes were.
I also dont want to hurt her… that’s just not nice to do and i won’t intentionally do so.You really shouldnt worry about her.
You can only be yourself.. abything else won’t work. Do what you want to do and depending on that your ex might get in love with you again but obviously you can’t force it. It has to be her decission and you can only either accept or deny her decission. That is what we have to deal with. :II already told you and i would like to tell you again. The strict NC worked wonders for me. Obviously it was hard the first few days and also later on from time to time but it gets better and it really let’s you think rationally and not just with your heart.
Obviously that advise is only for the Situation if it doesnt work out between you two.
If it does-great! Keep going 🙂You know.. right now i dont want her back. Right now i’d like to have “fun” with that new girl but hey.. lets see how i feel tmorrow during and after the meeting.
What i am sure about is that even if i want her back still i wont taker her back iinstantly. Even if everything is great and we love each other again, i want a few days to think.I feel like you need the finger crossing a lot more than i do.. so keep it yours for yourself and i am also crossing mine for you 😉
I dont need luck… i have two paths and both are going to be good if i want them to be 🙂-Andi (mobile)
Sorry, I was a little tired yesterday when I wrote my post ><
I’ll definitely do the strict NC after the filming. I won’t have time, so it will be forced on me anyway 😀 I would do NC quite easily. Except the “she has an idea” thing we haven’t talked to each other for 2 or 3 weeks (and before that 2-3 weeks we had a very short conversation too). So it’s going well – in private. But there’s the group chat. She likes the people there, and I like them even more. Some of them are like my second family, they helped me through hard times, they stood beside me in good and bad, and I talk with them constantly (not literally, but quite often) for 4 years. Of course not with all of them, because there are newer members, so… Oh, actually, my ex is the newest member 😀 So basically, it would be quite hard to not to talk with them just because of my ex. However, I try to ignore her as much as possible, and do not to talk with especially her in the group chat.
Today I read back the messages with my ex until the break up. I’m surprised how much did we talked comparing to how much do we talk nowadays. Not that much, but there was some messages in a daily level (those awkward talks that I mentioned in the very beginning of this topic). But always she was the one who texted me. Now she doesn’t text me, and I do neither.
I’ve also found out that in the very early messages following the break up we talked about how do we feel about it. The last “report” was 4 days after the break up. She said that she’s getting better, and I said that I’m getting better as well (of course, I lied, but I don’t know whether she told the truth or not). After that, we started to talk less and less: awkward talks came for a month, and now in this second month, we don’t talk at all in private.
So, to sum up, I’ll have a strict NC from the filming to the interviews. I’ll have a lot to learn during that time, and I’ll also have to make the final video, and the final of the writing competition is coming too, so I have to write too. Whatever I’ll do, I somehow try to show my ex how busy am I and how good I feel (of course, without talking to her ( with Facebook pictures, Snapnat, etc.))So, yeah, tomorrow… The day that I’v been waiting for since the break up. My “big day”. Before the filming I’ll also meet up with my sister who lives there, in the capital. I haven’t seen her since the wedding, which… You know what happened 2 days right before it. And you also know her hope-giving story!
So it will be good to be with her with not a broken heart this time.
(The filming will be at 2 PM)
Tomorrow will be the day when it turns out how I really changed: my real and very best friends (and of course my sister) will see the “New Me” for the first time. And after the video is made, my ex will also see it. There are some things that I couldn’t do unfortunately, there’s some that I should have done, but… That’s it. That’s the New Me, and I have to be happy with what I’ve got 😀Thank you for your support! 🙂
Looking forward your new update. I’m curious how things finally turned out in your case 😀
See you next time!Huh, what a busy day! I’ve just arrived home from the filming.
Well, at first, about the morning. I was supposed to wake up at 6 AM (the journey to the capital is 2-3 hours long but I visited my sister there before the filming), but instead I woke up at 5 AM because I had a nightmare in which my ex started to date with that guy. The good piece of news is that it was only a dream. She only goes mad for the singer, I’ve found nothing suspicious concerning that boy on the social media.
So let’s speak about the real things! 😀
I loved this day! And I love those guys with who I had this day! They are so encouraging and give me so much power.
The filming was fun 😀 Unfortunately I don’t know how I acted, I haven’t got the videos yet, but I enjoyed it. There were only some minor issues. For example, once a bug flied onto the camera and we didn’t realized it’s there so there are some minutes in a video in which the bug goes around the camera. It’s a really bit awkward, but I hope I can make it it to be not that awkward.
So now, I can only hope I acted well, but there’s one thing that I know for sure: I have a new profile picture! 😀 As I’ve mentioned, the previous one was taken on the day when I started to date with my ex.
And I’m more certain in the interview thing. The girl I’ve mentioned several times before is a YouTuber herself, so she knows a lot of other youtubers, and she said that she is willing to help me find the right subjects and make the interview. I’m still uncertain and thinking about it, but now, the chances for saying “yes” are higher.
And the most important thing that happened today: They realized and commented my changes. They give huuuge positive feedback! 🙂 The girl complimented my beard and my new hairstyle. She even petted my hair and beard, and because of the last one, the other guy became envious 😀 But he also complimented my changes.
I feel extremely good and motivated now that I know that all those changes of the last 2 months were not useless – what’s more, they were pretty good changes!
And my ex… I don’t know what’s her opinion. I don’t want to think about her right now. I’m happy, and I wish I would live in Budapest. I mean not 1-2 years later, but now. I feel like I have to meet with those people more often. Not only with those two who were at the filming, but everyone who I love and lives in that city.Huh, I can’t write more, I’m really tired. If I say yes to the filming, next week’s Saturday will be a big day again for me!
Still waiting for your update with a lot of curiosity! 😀
I hope you’re doing well, whatever you feel towards your ex, and whatever path you chose!@Nedim Warning! This is one freaking long text.. 3000 words… i hope you have enough time
Alright, first of all I’m really sorry for the lack of updates. I had no time and there was so much going on and yeah…
Anyways.. here we go ^^Good, NC really helps getting over someone! 🙂
wow four years is quite a long time. I’m sure that you are quite close to them.
Good that she isn’t into him or anything! 🙂
haha, better get a frog or something for that bug next time :DD
I really think you should go for that interview. That’s a big new opportunity for you 🙂
Haha i have a beard myselft. my ex said i should grow one back in the days.. and damn…I LOVE IT 😀
But it’s always weird to trim it.. i look a lot younger when i cut it from like.. 1cm to 4mm 😀Alright so it’s my turn..
Storytime with Andy:
Please prepare a drink for convenience 😀So I went up on Saturday and i still felt like ” meh.. let’s see how things turn out.. maybe i dont even love her anymore” well.. i arrived and obviously things were a little weird at first. So i decided that we should go to the river that flows through the city and go for a walk. we did so and well we talked about all the stuff we did in the last month and yeah. as i said things were a little weird. after some time we decided to go back to her place and drink a bit and then at night we could go into the city and drink more and have fun and what not.
So we bought some alcohol and went to her place.
On the way to her place she asked me if i had a new person in my love-life and i said no. We kept talking while walking and after a bit she said that she doesn’t want to smalltalk anymore but talk about us. she started to cry a little so i told her that we should wait until we are at her place since i didn’t want to maker her cry on the streets and i didn’t want to either – obviously.
At this point i was already so much in love with her again that i nearly couldn’t handle it. </3
we then finaly arrived at her place and luckily her mum wasn’t at home. so we went into her room and started talking.
We talked A LOT and both of us cried and sobbed and it was hard for both of us…
I told her that i love her more than anything and she said that she loves me aswell but she doesn’t know if i’ll make the same mistakes again if we have a relationship again. Obviously i told her that i changed but sadly i couldn’t really show her since she didn’t want us to go into the city because she felt weird about not being able to hold my hand like we used to for 1,5 years…
In order to lighten up the mood we started to watch family guy and it helped a lot. we just laid in her bed cuddling and watched. it was wonderful.. I’d pay with my life if i could do that one more time.so during all the talking she told me that she wasn’t actually missing me while i didn’t write her but she missed me a lot when we were writing. SO I FUCKED UP BIG TIME WITH THE NC..
well.. not entirely.. because i felt better at times but so did she. instead of missing me she just kept moving on.
So my personal idea is that NC doesn’t work with long distance relationships in order to make someone miss you. Both of you will get over the other one but not miss the other one because of that..
Anyways…
I think i told you that she has someone new she likes a lot..
She also told me that she slept with him which i think i wrote some days back.
So.. yeah… i think i also told you that she goes to london with that douche.. sorry.. i mean Fucktard McDipshitson -.-‘
Well, she told me that she will decide before going to london but even if she picks me, they will be together for 1 F-ing week in a city she doesn’t know but he does. He will show her awesome places and they might have lovely and intimate moments together :'(
So as i said.. even if she picks me beforehand she might get weak so i have to writer her as much as i can but i dont think she’ll have wifi access with her phone all the time so.. argh.. dang it! -.-”Let’s get a little private..
When i was with her for that weekend we also had sex. 3 times in 24h… not bad for being broke up (?) 😀
i guess that was just bound to happen ^^
now.. i have never in my life felt her as much wanting me as she did in those 3 times.. so either that shithead McFuck is awfull AND/OR they didn’t had anything in the past few days which i personaly think is the case since.. well… uhm…*WARNING* VERY PRIVATE AND MIGHT BE DISTURBING *WARNING*
she wasn’t properly shaved and she had her period until the day beforeI didn’t mind that much but yeah.. there wasn’t anything happening i guess which should be great.
Interestingly enough she told me that they meet each other about 5 times a week which is a lot and still… nothing happened? i guess she just felt bad about it.. idk..So on the second day we woke up and i kissed her awake and ..damn.. it was so lovely.. </3
we kept petting and snuggling and i started to caress her whole body.. well that whole thing ended up in us having sex (one of the three times ^^) and then we kept staying in bed since she still didn’t want us to go into the city because on the one hand the holding hands problem and on the other hand she was afraid that some friends of her or of the Douche KissMyAss might see us.
So we just kept on talking and also watched family guy again which was a lot of fun ^^
The very last train that was possible for me would have left the station at 3PM. We were cuddling and watching until about 2PM and well.. i talked with her about how BAD(!!) i feel about leaving but she said that it would be the better choice. So we kept watching a little more and talked a bit more..
I think we actually cried every time when we talked about the relationship… every single time.. until we watched family guy again..
So anyways.. when it was time for me to grab my stuff i stood up from the bed. Threw away the used tissues (we used a lot..) and well.. i put on my trousers and started to button up my shirt. Well… i started to cry like i never have 🙁
My ex instantly came up to me and i had to hug her so bad and when she saw me how i cried and everything she started to burst out in tears just like me. I told her that i just can’t leave already and that the thought of never returning is the worst though i have ever had in my head.
She said that she wouldn’t let me go like this and well.. we went back to bed and cuddled and everything.
After a while she told me that it would be best for both of us if she left for the night and went to a female friend of hers to stay the night and i stay at her place and leave in the morning. It would help so both of us wouldn’t cry as much again and also she just needed time for herself because she was a nervous wreck. I didn’t really like the idea of staying alone in her room and having to leave in the morning (4 AM) but i didn’t want her to feel bad so i accepted it.
We kept staying in bed for the next few hours and at 10 PM she left.
Before she left i comforted her as much as i could. We cuddled, we kissed, we were really close to each other and i massaged her since i knew that she had a few problems with her back. And frankly to be honest i missed to massage her… i really did.
And well.. yeah.. at about 10 PM she left the room and i had no other choice than to let her go knowing that i might not see her again for a long time :'(
There was no way that i could have been able to sleep.. i stayed up the whole night and i wrote her a long poem and multiple notes and i spread them in the room. It was really nice to do all that.. 🙂
I did some more stuff like I put my perfum on her desk and told her that it’s like a symbol of our love and that i wouldn’t need / want it any longer if she doesn’t want me back. I also left a shirt that i wore at her place so she has something that smells like i do. Actually when she asked me the day before if i wanted something from her to take with me i said no but that night i quickly took something so i can smell her again and whenever i want <3
Well.. then it was 3 AM and i packed my stuff and checked that i did everything i had to and wanted to do. And then it was 4 AM and i started to leave.. I felt awful 🙁
If you watch “scrubs” you might know the part when JD leaves the hospital for the last time… well.. i felt the very same way but it was even more emotional 🙁
I think before finally leaving the flat i stood there for 5 minutes just watching into the hallway. I needed a lot of time to finally close the door and when i closed it it was over. I wouldn’t have been able to get back in again so i went to the elevator and left the building 🙁
I just wanted to get home and get in my bed and sleep for 2 weeks straight and hope that everything will be better then and that i have more energy again…
well.. at 4:15 the taxi arrived and the guy took me to the trainstation.
I was actually so deep in my thoughts and so tired that i somehow managed to ask him if he is in love with someone. That was a little awkard afterwards :DDD
But hey.. he told me that he is in a relationship since 6 years so i guess we can be proud of him ^^
So… then i was at the station and waited for the train to arrive.. IT WAS SO FREAKING COLD!!!
And then i had 8 hours of travelling home. Luckily my ex was at home at about 8 AM so i was able to write with her and time went past really quick 🙂
(well… as quick as 8 hours can go past.. 😀 )uhm.. i arrived at 1PM but i don’t think that there was a lot more happening between us. Just casual talking 🙂
But in the night i decided that i should go through ALL our arguments since february because in february it got quite bad with us having arguments and.. wow… i got SOOOOO FREAKING ANGRY!!
I literally felt like punching EVERYTHING! I think i would actually have been able to hurt someone really bad.. well you don’t know why yet.. let me explain before you think i’m crazy and out of control ^^So as i said i went through all our arguments to find the problems and i wrote all the discussions down. I started with the newest ones and went back in time (not really.. but right now i have no idea how to explain it better xD)
“i went back in the timeline” .. maybe thats better.. idk 😀So after some time i found a few things that had A LOT in common..
It will might get hard for me to translate and explain but i’ll try as much as i can!So my ex met a new friend at the 25th of february (notice how i said that in february it got worse with our arguments..) anyways.. since she always had a lot of guys as friends and i always trusted her i didn’t mind at all.
So she talked about how funny and inteligent he is and what not and that she has so much fun. At that point i felt a bit weird about it and told her that she shouldn’t forget me and i said that i didn’t like him. She wanted to know why and i told her that i was jealous. She told me that me being jealous is cute and what not but that she is soooo much in love with me and that nobody will ever be able to hold a candle to me (i hope that’s the correct saying ^^).
well… guess how that turned out? -.-‘ :'(later on i found a short dialog between us:
Ex: “sometimes i miss flirting with you.. like when we talk about sex it’s kinda like it but it’s just not the same anymore in a relationship”
Me: “what do you mean?”
Ex: “well.. you know… being a little mean but still giving compliments. Just like we used to when we got together ^^”
Me: “Oh yeah. i know what you mean ^^”
Ex: “Do you miss it?”
Me: “Well.. if i think about it.. a little, yes”
Ex: “Please never do that with someone else okay?”
Me: “Never!”
Ex: “Good”…..do i have to add anything or do you slowly understand why i got and get angry again?
but wait – there’s more!Ex: “i cant sleep”
Me: “Why not? ”
Ex: ” i have a lot on my mind”
Me: “why’s that?”
Ex: “Oh it’s just a lot that keeps me busy”
Me: “Like what?”
Ex: ” Sometimes you meet people that suddenly put you in known situations but show you a new perspective and show you things that you just didn’t see…. or didn’t want to see. But i actually don’t really feel like talking about it. I’m just glad that you’ll be here soon and everything will be fine again”
Me: “I have literally no idea what you are talking about but if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. Has something changed?”
Ex: “Just around me. But by itself everything’s fine between us”
Me: “Explain it to me when i’m at your place”
Ex: “No that’s unnecessary”
Me: “still..”
Ex: “<3”…she didn’t explain.. not a bit… obviously it was that guy who was on her mind and there was definitely NOT EVERYTHING FINE BETWEEN US! argh!!
I’ll just keep going with dialogs.. you don’t have to read them obviously ^^
it’s just nice to put them somewhere…Ex: “Do you still have feelings as strong as you used to for me?”
Me: “like i used to?”
Ex: “Yeah, like a year ago or something”
Me: “Sure! Obviously they aren’t as strong anymore like at the very very very beginning but that’s normal”
Ex: “ok”
Me: “How about you?”
Ex: “yeah me too”…..well that was a lie… she definitely already noticed that she loses interest in me but she didn’t talk with me in depth about it -.-
here are a few simple quotes:
Ex: “It’s strange that we write so little anymore”
——–
Ex: “it got so deadhearted” (deadhearted, insensitive, numb,… i dont know which word is best. she was talking about our relationship)
——-
Ex: “At the moment the connection between us is missing”
——-
Ex: “I don’t feel close enough to you”
——
Ex: “i start to not care anymore”
—–
Ex: “well, we don’t really know what’s happening with each other or what we are doing. We used to write every detail of our day and now we don’t. And yes i know that’s a lot my fault”oh .. yeah.. i love that dialog -.-
Me: “do you still write that much with that guy you met?”
Ex: “just normal amount”
Me: “huh.. and what do you write him?”
Ex: “i don’t know.. Most of the time we’re just writing random stuff or just talk normal. why does that matter for us?”well.. guess why it mattered.. 🙁
Ex: ” i miss writing random stuff with you and to laugh a lot. that’s what was so cool between us back then that we talk about everything and everyone and always with a lot of sarcasm. It somehow doesn’t bug me anymore when we don’t have as much contact anymore. I start to lose the need to talk you about what’s happening”
——–Ex: “do you write with other girls?”
Me: “no?”
Ex: “Ok”
Me: “why do you ask?”
Ex: “no reason”
Me: ” uhm, alright.. didn’t we have this conversation already like a month ago?”
Ex: ” well.. a month is a long time. Am i not allowed to ask?”
Me: ” well.. okay. sure you are allowed to but i start to feel like you don’t trust me”
Ex: “I trust you more than anyone else in the world”Gosh.. i’d like to smash something again.. this is making me furious!
i think i have to stop doing that but there’s still quite some more left.. but i think you got the idea.. and i need a break of that.. like.. now!
alright.. so what was i talking about before starting with that.. one sec..
ahh.. i guess that’s more or less everything for now.. i cant focus any longer and it took me now 2 hours to write that.. now it’s 4 AM and my ex is “missing” since 8:30 PM … i pray that she’s fine..
I miss her so much again already :'(
i love her-Andi
I’m glad to see you again! 😀
Sorry for starting my post with this but… I’ve told you that anything could happen! 😀
Huh. That was a really long post for sure! 😀
I don’t know where to begin. You had busy days! It must have been emotionally exhausting.
At least your ex is attracted to you physically. For me, I had to beg for the last kiss, and also for a hug. Maybe the last kiss was not the right decision but I was totally mad when the break up happened. I’m not sure if I have told it or not, but on that terrifying last night, when she went to have a shower, I managed to unlock her phone, and I found this message: “I want to hug him, I want to cuddling with him, I want to feel him close to me, but I don’t find him attractive”. She wrote this to her best friend (she is a girl). Since the break up, I’ve realized some thing, but this message is still a mystery. Of course, the meaning is obvious, but it bring up so many questions. Why did she lose physical attraction? Is it because she also lost emotional attraction? Or she lost mental attraction because of losing physical? I doubt the last one, because you know that we were almost dating when we did not even see each other. So the emotional bond was sooo strong, but… Eh, too many questions, as I’ve said 😐Those message quotes at the end are very familiar to me, unfortunately. I’ve got same thoughts from my ex. I was so naive when I believed that it’s just a temporary thing and everything will be better. It would have been great to realize things in time.
“I feel like I don’t miss you like I did”, “I’m really afraid”, “Is everything okay with us?”, “We talk less and less”, “I want to be alone”, “I just don’t walk to talk with you right now”. I’ve got these. I write them from my mind, as I remember them, because I don’t have nerves to read back them, but basically, they’re almost the same that you wrote.Ouch. I understand why the NC thing bothers you so much. But according to my theory, she missed you when you were talking because you had NC. If there was no NC, just constant talking, she wouldn’t have missed you. But it’s just my idea, it seems to be logical. And as you’ve said, the other aim of NC is improving yourself.
Relationships are hard. Long distance relationships are even harder! And more complicated. It’s really hard to tell what can be right or wrong in an LDR, which can be exactly the opposite in a normal relationship.It’s good to see that some things came clear in your case. However, it also got harder as I see. Mainly because of the London thing. When is your ex going to London?
And what are your plans? I would never wish anyone to be in a situation like that. It’s like you have to compete. If you decide to take this “competition”, remember to try to be seen as invulnerable. I know what happened between you and her on the weekend, and you really want to get back her right now, but remember not to show it. She will consider you weak. You’ll have to preserve a state in which she knows that you’re okay with getting back and you would be happy about it, but she also has to know that you could live happily without her (even if it’s not true, of course!).Concerning the boy friends of a girl… My ex has a lot of boy friends as well. So it’s really hard to tell what she wants from a boy.
And to be honest, I was often jealous, but I tried not to show it. Very rarely, when I said something, she became furious and asked “how the hell can I think that she does something with an other guy?”.
Once when I said that a friend of mine – who is a girl – will travel with me by train to the capital, she became extremely jealous. She wrote things like “go with her, don’t care about me”, “she must be better than me”, etc. I was like “What the hell?!”. Actually, I was travelling to the capital to meet with her!!! The other girl was just a friend of mine and I heard that she also goes to the capital, so we decided to go with the same train to have a good company during the 2,5 hours long journey. Later she calmed down, but… It was weird. And actually, it was one of our biggest fight – and as I’ve mentioned, we didn’t fight a lot.In the last days I was very busy too, I’ve collected the happenings in document, so… storytime! 😀 Today’s happenings are also included.
Monday:
So today, I’ve changed my profile picture on Facebook. I’ve got really good feedback! 😀 Lot of people said how they like my style, and complimented my look. It feels so good ^_^
It was also a topic on the group chat. I know, I broke the NC, but I can’t ignore a conversation where people are talking about me and my new changes. A lot of people were online, and all of them said something good – but my ex was online too! It was pretty awkward. I mean, for her, not for me. People were sending messages how good is my new look, and she was just… just there. She wrote nothing during this, we just saw her name at the bottom of the chatbox where facebook indicates who has seen the latest message.
However, the most awkward part: once she came out of the blue, and send 4-5 messages about that the singer of the band that she saw on the concert applied her Friend request on Facebook. There was no reaction for it, then she wrote “okay I go back to learn”, and the conversation continued – about me. I don’t know what she felt but it seemed to be really awkward.
And of course, maybe it’s obvious that she didn’t like my profile picture.Breaking news: she liked it while I was typing this post. I don’t know why she did it, but it must be a conscious act. I’m sure that she saw the picture before!A cute story from Sunday came to my mind:
We had a plush raccoon with us. Actually, it’s mine, I’ve got it from my ex for Christmas. The raccoon is the “symbol” of the group 😀 So I took it to the filming to make some fun scenes with it.
We went into a fast food restaurant, and as we were waiting in the queue, the girl (you know who, I’ve mentioned sooo many times :D) held it in her arms. Once a little girl, who stood in front of us in the queue with her mother, looked onto us, and examined the raccoon. Then she asked “is it real, or a toy”? The girl beside me replied slightly laughing that “It’s a toy. Do you want to pet it?”. The little girl replied “no”.
Few moments later, her next question was: “Is it a memory?”. The girl next to me looked at me, and started to smile. I smiled back, then she said to the little girl that “yes, it’s a memory”. The little girl then said “I have a memory too. Do you want me to show it?”. But her mother then told her off because of speaking to strangers.
It was kind of heart-warming. And strange! 🙂Tuesday: Day without events. But once my ex was fierce with me. She told me off because the webpage does not seem to develop, but still I’m telling off everyone because of the articles. The fact that the webpage hasn’t developed for a little time is true. But first, I’ve never told anyone off because of the articles. I just asked them gently how is the article doing and when will they send it. I did not even hurry them. Second thing is that I’m not doing this since I’m not working on the page!
Actually, instead of the page I worked on the video, but it was a secret project, until…Wednesday: … until today. I’ve just released the trailer for the video. It got positive feedback overall, but I did not hear anything about me. I don’t know it’s because there’s everything fine with me and there’s nothing special to emphasize, or I’m too bad to write anything about me. There were a few comments about the other guys, but just like: the raccoon on the head of the girl was really funny, when the guy said that and that he looked like a pedo etc.
I think I’ll ask some people about me in the video.
Today I’ve also got a challenging task: I have to write the “farewell speech” for the graduates, and I also have to read it out at the school-leaving ceremony! And I’m not kind of person who takes a participation like that so easily in front of hundreds of students and dozens of teachers 😀 But I think I’ll accept it. I have to do things that I haven’t done before.Huh. That was a long one for me as well! 😀
Waiting to hear about your new plans! 🙂I think you were too busy yesterday as well. I have a little time now, so I keep you updated if you don’t mind 😀
It seems like the interviews won’t work. It’s complicated. I did not manage to discuss an exact date with the youtubers.
However, I have a B plan: I’ll make a video about the event! 😀I’ve started to get weird snapchat messages from her again. She sends a lot of pictures of herself. This time, on most of the pictures she was pretty. Not going crazy for her, just finding her pretty, attractive. But the last picture was really weird. She was standing in front of a full-length mirror. She only had a big, long shirt (not t-shirt) on her. Her legs were uncovered. I was really surprised when I first saw that. Of course, no intimate parts were showed, but… It was a little bitch-like. And she is absolutely not that kind of girl.
She sends snapchats since she was fierce with me (I’ve mentioned it in the previous post).I’ve just arrived home and I have to prepare for tomorrow for the gamer event, so just a quick update (I’ve just realized that posting here is just like writing a diary 😀
Actually, this day nothing new happened except some little things.
I got to know that I’ll miss a good party tomorrow because of that event 🙁
And I received a snapchat picture from my ex again. It was just a regular picture of her in her room with a text saying “oh, these good relaxing friday afternoons!”. Well, it was a very common picture, but she didn’t use to send pictures like that, only very rarely. Of course, she sent pictures in which she was present, but not like these typical girlish stuff. And why the hell does she send these to me? I’ve said that there was a period when she didn’t do that, but now it started again. I don’t know if there’s any connection or just a coincidence, but she sends these since I’ve changed my profile picture.
She looked weird at the picture. I don’t know how to explain that. It may sounds silly but it felt like I saw it in her eyes that she’s not the same who girl I loved.
What’s more, her behavior was strange yesterday too, when an other trailer was released from the video. She was not that aggressive like some days ago, but still she acted negatively.Oookay, I didn’t plan to post again today, but I’ve just received a new Snapchat message. It was a picture of her, again, but this time… with short hair!!! I don’t know if this is some kind of a trick or she really had it cut down… But it was strange. The picture was not sharp, and I could see her only from the top of her head to the lower part of her neck. If it’s a trick, I don’t know how she did it, and if it’s real… I don’t know WHY she did it. She is still a pretty girl (according to that only one picture) but longer hair fits her much more in my opinion.
I think I have to wait further pictures to find out something. It’s not a big deal, I know… But it’s cheeky and strange enough to stick in my mind for this night.haha yes it is. that’s why i stopped writing one myself :DD
hm. i still feel like she want’s to show someone (probably you but not definitely) that she is doing great – but actually she isn’t …. more or less the same you and we all do ^^
She really want’s to change somehow and i think she doesn’t really know how to so now she tries “random” stuff..
maybe i’m wrong but that’s what i think ^^-Andi
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