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Hi Kevin,
I’ve been separated from my ex girlfriend for 7 months now since June 2014. I’m 36 and she’s 32. We were together for 11.5 months. She basically moved in straight away with me. 6 weeks after getting together she fell pregnant. This was an accident (I don’t think it was) as she’d already told me that she didn’t want to have children and I already have 2 from a previous relationship and was on the waiting list for a vasectomy which I have since had done in June 2014. I didn’t want to have this baby at first but it turns out she did. We finished over this for a few weeks but I eventually came around to the idea and wanted to support her and the baby and we got back together.
When the doctor told us the conceiving date it went back to a time where we were sleeping together and other people as we weren’t in a relationship. Form here on until we finished I was very worried that the baby may turn out not to be mine but she was adamant that it was and the subject from then on was unapproachable. I didn’t want to tell anyone (friends or family) as I didn’t want them to think bad of her and the baby was mine. ( I’ve had a DNA test and she is) . Anyway, putting that to the side our relationship was perfect. We were head over heels in love with each other, very affectionate and very intimate. We spent all our time together and she was fantastic with my 2 other children and they adored her.
3 weeks after the baby was born we met up with her father and stepmother. We ended up having a drink as her stepmother and friend were not drinking and said for us to let our hair down and they would take care of the children and drive us home. When we got home we got into an argument over my other children and she turned violent and attacked me in front of them and everybody else and then lunged at them. My neighbours took them into their house out of the way. I threw her out there and then.
Over the next 2 months she begged and pleaded for forgiveness. We slept together a few times over that period. I still was in love with her and missed her and the baby terribly. She kept begging and putting pressure on me to take her back and eventually give me an ultimatum which pushed me even further away and I rejected her and we went our separate ways.
5 months down the line I calmed down, the anger went and I realised I was still in love and missed her dearly. I told her this via text and in person but she told me she was in a committed relationship and had strong feelings for this other man. I kept my cool and told her I understood. I found out he was sleeping behind her back with 2 other women. I kept my mouth shut and she eventually found out for herself. We started texting again about how we missed each others company, the relationship we had and our sex life together. We talked of giving it another go and I was really happy and excited about it. A week later she text me saying she just couldn’t get back with me because our family’s would make it difficult for us, she couldn’t take my 2 children back on and she wanted more children and I couldn’t give her anymore because I’d had a vasectomy which she blamed on my other 2 children!! She didn’t fancy, love or care about me anymore. I was heartbroken all over again and done the whole begging and needy things one does.
Through the course of November and December I was at her house on numerous occasions to see my daughter. She and her family were very warm and welcoming to me. Herself and her mother insisting that I stay for dinner and both cooking for me on different occasions. In this time she had started a new relationship and over this course has turned very cold and nasty towards me. Telling me that there will never be a her & me again, I make her feel physically sick and make her skin crawl.
She hasn’t stopped me from seeing my daughter but it’s always on her terms and at very short notice. If I say no she starts with all the nonsense that I don’t care about my daughter and love my other 2 children more. I have joint custody of my other children and a good relationship with their mother which she hates. I had a text on the 29.12.14 saying that I was a pathetic man and a crap father to all of my children and my daughter was better off with her and her new boyfriend which cut very deep. I’ve had loads of vile abusive messages since. I have stopped contact with her from the 29th because she is just emotionally dragging me down. I don’t understand why she has turned so vile, nasty and how she has built up so much hatred towards me! I’ve been there for her and my daughter since we split up and jumped through hoops to make her happy but nothing I do or say is ever good enough. Can you please give me some advice. I would take her back tomorrow if she asked. I feel so helpless to change the situation even to just be civil and have a relationship with my baby girl. I pay child maintenance to her weekly via DD. I haven’t turned my back on my daughter. I just don’t know what to do, this situation is making me ill.Is it possible that she has a hormonal imbalance due to pregnancy/child birth?
It’s very odd that she turned hostile in such a short amount of time from the point where you two were being sweet to each other.As for her blaming your children and not liking the fact that you have a good relationship with your children’s mother:
I’ve read in an article that there was a guy who got along well with his ex (children’s mother) and his current girlfriend couldn’t stand it. She absolutely hated it. Turns out that it wasn’t because she was his ex, or even that he was nice to her. It was because he went out of his way to be nice…to laugh…to joke…and gave in to many requests that she had. They had longer than expected phone conversations. He wasn’t into his ex, and he couldn’t understand why his current girlfriend would cause fights over it.
He then began to realize that it was how he was communicating with his ex. It wasn’t flirty, but it seemed more thoughtful than how he communicated with his current girlfriend. He then also realized that it wasn’t because he even liked his ex as a person.. it just made easier to deal with her (supposedly she was controlling and hostile during their relationship).
Could it have anything to do with how you are communicating with your ex?
And her not being able to have anymore children with you and it diminishing her visions of a future with you could lead to blaming your children. It’s immaturity and ignorance on her part. That would be something you’d need to seek therapy for, with her.I’m finding it difficult to give advice because she is pulling the “you care more about your other two children more” card and blaming them… and idk.
Do you think it could be because she wanted you to fight harder for her and your daughter but you didnt?
I’m just thinking through my finger tips right now…
I don’t understand people like your ex. To blame children or involve them isn’t something that screams, “I’m secure and mature!”
As always, great advise LAbound. I just don’t know. She definitely hates the mother of my children. She thinks that I bend over backwards for her. eg. At one point she never owned a washing machine or car either so I was doing all the children’s washing (not their mothers) and was the one picking the kids up and dropping them off all the time. So I think you are probably right on the nail there. Regarding the vasectomy, she didn’t want any children herself when we got together and she was the one the doctors said needed to be counciled because I had 2 already and she Had none and was still young. She was going to go but in the meantime they’d sent us a letter stating we didn’t need to do that any longer and I could go straight through with the op.
Since then (after we finished) she has said to me that she has always wanted children and that’s the reason she was put on this planet! And now I can’t give her anymore she’s going to have to find somebody else. I don’t know, she just confuses me. I don’t think she knows what she wants herself.
We went out shopping together over Christmas twice to buy the baby some presents. In those times and quite a few more I was spending quite a lot of time up her mothers house with her on and the baby and the rest of her family when they finished work . Up to 8hrs sometimes in one sitting. I would try to leave and not out stay my welcome but they would all say “don’t go stay for dinner”. In these time I guess you could use the term we were having a fake friendship or at least I was. Nothing else though.
In those times at the begining of December is when I foumd out she was on relationship number 2. I seen a text come through on her phone. She left her phone on the side of the chair next to me when she went upstairs (on purpose, I’m not sure). I never mentioned it to her once. I just carried on as normal with no pressure and no intentions towards her.
I seen her and the baby Christmas day for about 2 hrs and then had the baby 11am – 7pm on Boxing Day. On the 29th I asked could I have her again but she refused me that afternoon and then text back in the late evening that I could have her in the morning because (her words) WE are going out. I had plans that day and told her I couldnt, that’s when I had the message that I was pathetic and a shit father and my daughter is better off with her and Paul. I didn’t acknowledge the part about her new bf just kept the conversation about my daughter.
Since then I’ve had no contact with her or my daughter. She has text me once saying that I’ve given up on my daughter and she’s going to contact my mother and sister. My family with much hart ache are the ones that have told me to just walk away. They’ve seen all the texts that’s she’s sent me and they’re are disgusted by her and think she’s pure evil and she took us all for a ride.
They’ve said to me it’s going to treat me like this for the next 10yrs plus using my daughter as a weapon against us.I just don’t understand her, we had a fantastic year together where she was the perfect partner and stepmother to my children. One momement of madness under the influence of alcohol and we are no longer together and she detest me. No mater what I say or do it’s always wrong and she’ll find something to argue over.
The NC is in a desperate attempt to try and let her feeling towards me calm down but I’m not sure if it’s just fan the fire. Perhaps my family is right and I should just walk away. I love her and I can’t at the moment and want the 2 of them back. My family will support what ever decision I make.
Sorry about this being so long winded LAbound but you seem to be so sure in yourself where you are at right now and always give out great advise and comfort to others.
LAbound, reading your reply the first time, I don’t think what you said really registered with me at the time. After reading it again I think your very much on the right path. I think she thinks that I gave up way to early on her and my daughter and chose my two other children and their mother over them.
I suspect she resents me for this with a feeling that I let them down, abandoned them and betrayed her trust and she now blames me for the demise of our relationship.
I don’t know. To tell you the truth, I’m still not thinking clearly. Where as she’s had 7 months to adjust and come to terms with it, I was angry with her for the first 4 to 5 months for what she did to me, the trouble it all caused and switched off. I think the true loss of what we had only registered with me at the begining of October. She’s blocked me, my family, my friends and anyone who she thinks has a connection with on Facebook since the 30th August.
I think I’ve left it way to long to fix things and fear she wil be happy and start a serious relationship with this new guy and I’ll be frozen out of her and my daughters lives.
Do you think I’m making a mistake with the NC rule. I just don’t know where to turn or what to do for the best. Do you have any advice? Does anybody? Is anybody on here in a similar situation?
It comes down to what you feel is right in your heart. If she feels that you gave up too soon or didn’t try hard enough, NC might deepen her resentment. And if she doesn’t want to get back together right now, I think at least establishing a false friendship is imperative for the daughter’s sake. If you choose to attempt to create a false friendship, it can show your ex that you put your daughter as high priority, and you can include your ex when you take your daughter to do something.
I might have missed it, but how old is your daughter?
I don’t think you should bend over backward for anyone. Not even your ex. If you do that, you send undertones of being pathetic and “not a man”. That’s just the way society has raised all of us to think. Don’t chase, but I think in the next week or so it would be good to try and reach out to her. See if she would like to join you and your daughter in a fun activity. (I’m guessing NC isn’t affecting the relationship and bonding with your daughter?)
It comes down to this, really…
If she wants more children, and you don’t.. then that might be a deal breaker. Even though she said she didn’t want children before, having a child has clearly changed her views. It’s quite beautiful. If she wants more children, and you would like another one, there are always other options. You two could shop for a sperm donor, or you two could adopt. Many couples seek those routes when confronted with barriers. Maybe down the road you can mention these options with your ex if there is a chance for reconciliation.
I don’t know the full impact you have had on your ex to determine if it is too late, but personally I believe that it isn’t over till it’s over. You love this woman, and you want your little family back…so work hard to get over the past. Forgive yourself. Forgive your ex. And make moves to re-establish communication. You don’t know if your ex’s new relationship will last and more than likely your ex doesn’t either.
Start thinking clearly. A good way to do that is journal. Let everything out on paper.. and then burn it. Do that every night. Cleanse yourself of frustration, sadness and anger. It’s time to get a foothold on positivity and a happy future no matter what happens. You have to be the best man you can for all of your children. At the end of the day, they are most important.
Thank you LAbound. My daughter will be 8 months old this Thursday. I have forgiven my ex for everything that’s happened and myself and I’ve left it in the past. I’ve asked her to do the same but every now and again she will come out with some bull shit comment like “you won’t do fuck all for “MY” chid but everything and anything for the “OTHER” two”.
Being as my daughter is only 8 months old there’s not a lot of fun activities she can participate in. So my ex would see it as me trying to spend time with her and using our daughter as an excuse.
I’ve asked before when she goes swimming for the first time I’d like to go along too but I guarantee she’ll take her new bf instead to spite me. I suggested back in December that we both take her to see Father Christmas in our town, she just said I don’t know, maybe. The next day when I was in work she sent me a photo of my daughter sat on Santa’s lap. She took her sister instead. She’s purposely making me miss out on all her firsts.
As for having another baby, I only had the vasectomy 6 months ago and I could easily have it reversed. I’m not sure that would be the right thing to do though. I’d only be doing it to get her back.
Tomorrow would be 22 days NC. I’m inclined to stick it out till I reach 30. Can’t see another week making a difference. You are probably right again in saying that she’ll resent me for NC. That’ll be the first thing she throws at me when I reach out and make contact with her. She’ll want a argument about that straight away and I’ll be back to square one. Your a pathetic man and a shit father!! God, give me the strength I need to proceed.
Okay:
You need to stand up to her. Like really be forceful. Not an extreme asshole, but don’t take her shit. She needs a reality check. And if it pisses her off, well then it wont be far from where she seems to constantly be.
If you don’t want to put her in check through a voice convo, write a letter. Explain to her that you have never meant to make her or your daughter seem less important, and that’s far from the truth. State that you love all of your children equally, but that it has been a bit harder to partake in your daughters life because your ex has been so hateful toward you. (for example, the santa visit: you wanted to take her but she made sure she went with someone else) Let her know that you want to establish a connection, a friendship at the very least because you prefer civility. And also let her know that you don’t appreciate her taking your daughter on any “firsts” without you especially after you mentioned said events first. Just reaffirm that you want to be 100% a part of your daughter’s life, and if your ex would like…a part of hers. However, make it clear you won’t tolerate anymore hateful remarks. Word it how you want.. but you need to really open up and in a strong way with her. Having a young child, it is important to be able to communicate and be civil with your ex.
She can’t stop you from seeing your daughter, and if she has any “first” moments …just repeat those moments with your daughter on your time. They’ll be a first with you still.
Your ex is letting bitterness take control. It’s not right.
Cheers for the reply LAbound. Great advise once again. I’ll try that soon with her. Trouble is she’ll just say something like “she’s MY baby, it’s on my terms and if you don’t like it just carry on walking away.” Lots of people around me and people on here are telling me that it’s deffinetly over between us and I have no chance of getting them back. And basically she’s a spiteful nasty bitch who’s only ever going to use my daughter as a weapon to hurt me with.
I want to believe because she shows me so much hatred that she must still love me but my gut is starting to tell me that it’s just wishful thinking.
I can’t believe someone who was once so loving, caring and affectionate towards me can now be so poisonous and cold and worst of all use our baby together against me. I’ve heard so many similar stories on here about once they were so loving and now they’re just horrible and the broken hearted person just doesn’t understand what’s happened and what’s going on.
I fear I’m now in that boat and there’s no turning the situation around. Nothing will work. I think it’s time now I just try to fix myself instead of being in the mindset of fixing “US”.
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