Is it too late for NC to be effective if they moved on to someone else?

Since the day I went to go see her on thanksgiving weekend everything has been on the up and up, we have been talking and texting every single day, she came over a week later and stayed the night, but we weren’t intimate. Before she left to go home she said that she wants to work on things and plans on never seeing Phil again.

It’s been two weeks since she slept over, and we have been in touch every single day without a single argument or negative incident. Earlier this week I texted her to ask if she wanted to go to NYC this weekend to see the Christmas tree in Rockefeller center. She called me immediately after that text and asked me why I wanted to go see the tree, so i answered “because I want to go see it with you”. She then asked again, “but why” so i answered “because I know you love going to see the tree and I would love to go see it with you, I know it would make you happy”.

When I said that I immediately noticed the change in her voice, her voice went from being weary and defensive to something more cheery and happy, but I also felt she was trying to hold that happiness back and still be distant. She stated “it’s a little hard for me to trust you being this nice and wanting to do ‘gay cutesy’ things with me when you never really cared about doing so before, I find it to be suspect”. So I told her I know I was not like that before, but I am actively trying to change for the better and I am showing her I am putting forth the effort in doing so, and seeing the tree with her would mean a lot to me.

Long story short, her close aunt just passed away a day after we had that conversation, she was suffering from MS and her services are to be held on saturday, so our plans to go see the tree had to be canceled. Sunday is supposed to be a complete washout so we will not be going then either. So instead I proposed to drive 5 hours rounds trip to long island just so I can take her out to dinner and possibly a movie. She said that it would be annoying for me to do all that, so i answered “I drove 5 hours round trip and waited around for another 6 hours to see you 3 weeks ago for only 10 minutes… doing all that to get a dinner and a movie with you will totally be worth it by comparison.”

That was yesterday, and she started opening up to the idea of me coming to see her on sunday, she even told me what movie she wanted to go see. Later that night I send her two selfies of myself while im at the gym, she told me I look very good but when I sent her the second picture she started bringing up the negative past out of no where. “why did you have to fuck it up, I was so happy”, so I replied with “I’m putting in my effort, I’m trying to make things right, we will be happy”. Then she says every time she looks at me she feels angry and upset about the past. I told her she has every right to feel that way, but at the same time it’s all water under the bridge and we have to leave the past behind and build a more positive future, that dwelling on the negatives in the past will get us no where fast. So I brought up the fact that she probably needs more space and I am willing to give her that. She never replied.

Later that night, while I was sleeping, she sent me some instagram quotes that said “when she was invested, showing effort and care. That’s when you should have loved her” and the second one “if you repeatedly have to tell someone the exact same thing about how you feel and nothing changes, they don’t respect you”. That’s what I woke up to this morning. So 3 weeks went without incident, and now this. Idk if I should even make the effort to go see her on Sunday if she is feeling so negatively about me currently. I think a 30 NC would be beneficial in this scenario, it would help her let go of all the negatives from the past and let her settle down a little. This is all so confusing.

So I mentioned how I was planning to see her on Sunday the 15th, well that Saturday she texted me saying she doesn’t think its a good idea for me to come see her on Sunday. She said she wants to work on things but still has anger towards me and she doesn’t want her mood to affect our time together. “I want to approach this with an open mind and not anger, and I am not in that place right now. We’ll come see you next weekend since I will be off. I love you a lot, and I truly want to work on things, but I am still angry”

I told her that I understand and that I will respect her wishes, then she said “I’m hesitant you know? what makes this time different, like what can i do differently to make you happy. I don’t want to go back to how things were and me constantly worrying if you’re happy and if you love me. I’m angry you couldn’t be who I needed when I was madly in Love. You took what we had for granted and it kills me”. So I told her she has every right to be angry and that I don’t blame her for it at all, but she also has to let the anger dissipate if we truly want to work on things together.

So the entire week goes by, we talked and texted every day. No issues there. The weekend comes along and she went out with her co workers and her boss to celebrate the “company christmas” Friday night. She calls me at 6am on Saturday morning while I’m on my way to work, she said she was just getting home and that after the company party she went home with one of her bosses videographers, and thats where she was coming from. She was very adamant that nothing happened. He was obviously trying to get laid, and she admitted she was too, but she claims that in the end she couldn’t go through with it because she still loves me a lot. She was clearly slightly under the influence from what i could tell, and she started rambling about the past again and how “I don’t know how im still so stuck on you even though your such a shitty person, I don’t get it etc.” I tried my best to dissolve the negativity and asked if she’s still coming later that night. She said she needed some sleep first.

About 6-7 hours later she calls me while I’m at the gym. The conversation starts off innocent, she’s wondering what to buy her mom for her Christmas stocking, she mentioned how she was trying to finesse the random guys she went on dates with to get her some presents and she wasn’t able to get anything. So I told her I got her a gift, the night before I want to zales and got her a nice little sapphire necklace, nothing extravagant. She was shocked and said “why? we aren’t together, you don’t have to buy me anything, let me just finesse these random guys to buy me something lol. Besides you never really bought me anything before”. I simply said, “what does then have anything to do with RIGHT NOW?”, she got silent and had no answer for that… there was a moment of silence and she basically agreed with me.

She then said she may not be able to come over saturday night because she has to fill in a night shift, but I can come see her on sunday after she gets out of work. Then somehow she started bringing up how angry she is with me still. She says she wants nothing more than to come to me so we can be happy together, but she knows that if she comes and has sex with me that everything will be fine in her mind, and that she will start coming to see me during all her free time, she will be back in love. So i light heartedly said “ok, I guess we will never be intimate”. That set her off, “no, that’s not what I said, see… its like talking to a wall, you don’t get me, you are just a selfish asshole etc. etc.” and she rambled on like that for a few minutes. I told her I was trying to be lighthearted and she says “you don’t get to be light hearted, you don’t get to see me because I know that if we go back to being happy again you will just get comfortable and go back to being how you used to”

“I want to be with you more than anything but then I think back, why am I here in long island and not in CT with you? why am I sleeping alone in my bed in my parents house? Why could’t we just be happy? Why did I have to move away for you to realize what you lost? that makes me so angry”. So I told her its been 3 months already, she needs to let it go, she cannot live in the past or we can never get over this. She just hung up in my face and I haven’t heard from her since. So back to square one.

I know everything would be fine if she just gave me the opportunity to see her, to show her I really care… I just want to be happy and be a better person not just for her… but for myself, and it’s so frustrating because it doesn’t have to be this difficult.

I agree Patricia, at this point no matter what I do or say will do anything to move us in a positive direction.

We were supposed to see each other this weekend so I can give her the Christmas gift i bought her, but she still kept pulling the “I’m angry with you” card. Instead she went out with her friends and then later, Sunday night, she went on a first date with some random guy she met on a dating app. She texted me merry Christmas on Monday afternoon, and then she bragged about how the guy spent $250 on their dinner Sunday night, and for some reason she of course felt the need to brag about how she went over his house right after. She told me she wanted to have intercourse with him but he was feeling anxious and couldn’t make it happen “physically” after “they tried”.

At this point idk if shes making these things up try to hurt me or if she’s actually doing these things and bragging about them, to once again, make me feel jealous and hurt me further. We texted back and forth for a while and I said how I feel like I’m being emotionally strung along and getting played. She asked how so, and I listed all the obvious reasons. I asked her if she trully wants to work on things or does she just plan on continuing to play with me emotionally. She says a part of her wants to, but a part of her still hates me. At that point I told her my intention to start a period of NC. She was blowing me off with the usual “k bye” quick replies.

I told her to not brush me off like I’m nothing. I told her I’m serious about making things work if she wishes the same and that a NC period is essential for us to mentally reboot since we are going no where fast. She simply replied “Hopefully we can talk in a month Eddie. Happy New years”. And we left it at that. My plan is to NC for 30 day at least, although she tried calling me at 2am last night, it woke me up from my sleep, but obviously I did not pick up. I notified her of my intentions on monday and told her im not doing this to ignore her, that I want to do this because I truly want to make this work. So she can’t say im ignoring her and not putting in any effort.

Little update since the new years. Long story short she claimed she wanted to work on things and “mend our bond”. Fast forward to march, she comes visits me in CT for the weekend of march 2nd and 3rd. We have an absolutely amazing weekend, she was texting me the whole week following that and saying how much she needed that and how in love she’s starting to feel with me again. During that week of texting she’s already making plans for me to come to long island on her bday weekend (march 24th) so I can get a hotel with her in Long Island after having her dinner party. She even told me about the CT police exams she would be taking in April.

Then a week before her birthday she texts me saying she has to work on the 24th so there would be no point of me coming on the 23rd and getting a hotel with her in LI. Instead she says she would come visit me in CT the week after and we would celebrate her bday late. Automatically I sense something fishy. We get into an argument about how she’s not making much effort to see me lately, and when i make efforts she always makes an excuse. I finally ask her for the keys to my condo. She tells me if she gives them to me we are done for good. I asked for them anyway and we ended up blocking each other. This was on march 16th.

Next week, the 23rd comes around which is the night of her bday dinner party, I come to find out she is staying the night at the hotel with some other guy. She actually posts it on her instagram story, and my friends who follow her sent me a screenshot of them laying in bed together. Obviously that hurt me immediately because in my mind im thinking “she has been playing me this whole time, and she made an excuse not to spend the night with her at the hotel and got a hotel with this guy instead”. Turns out this guy was from CT too and she met him a week after our weekend together.

Fast forward one week after her bday and the guy drops her like a bad habit after finding out the truth. Someone I know personally knew him as well and told him everything. Small world. She calls me infuriated “I hope you’re happy, you got what you wanted, this guy wants nothing to do with me because you can’t keep your moth shut. You made me out to be the bad guy” etc. I block her on everything and decide its time to move on. She tries calling me using a restricted number for two weeks, knowing its her i refused to pick up. But after 2 weeks i caved in and finally picked up. I heard her out and she apologized for everything. She said that wasn’t her, she claimed she still felt resentful about our past and as a result she acted out of anger. She felt like she didn’t owe me anything because of how I treated her during our relationship.

This was about mid April when she apologized. But I already started going on dates with others, and she felt upset as a result because she tried reconciling after what had just happened 2 weeks earlier. That awakened my feelings for her again, and I started speaking with her again. From this point forward I was obviously real weary given what she had done just few weeks prior. This resulted in more arguments and I didn’t talk to he for another 2 weeks. I finally talk to her again after she’s calling me numerous times. Now shes claiming she wants to move to Florida with her friend because she’s not happy in Long island. Turns out she met some other guy in that 2 week period because he has family in Long island, but lives in Jacksonville. He was up there to see his family but went back home since then. Now she’s planning to take a vacation on memorial day weekend to go see him and “find apartments” so she can move down. Of course she didn’t tell me all this, she claimed she was going to Florida with her friend Michelle, but once again I found out the truth regardless.

When i found out she lied once again, I sent her some nasty messages. I was beyond angered at this point. Probably shouldn’t have done that… but whats done is done. She blew my phone up on Sunday after i sent her those messages. Eventually she picked up and she expressed how sorry she was for everything, and that she messed up bad with her actions towards the end. Said she isn’t a vindictive person and that I bring that negative side out of her. As a result she claims we aren’t good for each other. She wished me nothing but good fortunes and she wants us to keep each other blocked and wants both of us to move on and wishes to never speak again going forward.

I was extremely indifferent about all of this during our last conversation, but I feel like i shouldn’t be. I don’t want to be indifferent. It just sucks knowing that the person I proposed to last year is basically becoming just another stranger. As if those 3 years were for nothing. I would like to at least re kindle a friendship out of all of this moving forward after some good amount of time with NC has passed. I still love her and care for her even after everything that has happened. Should I move on and dead her completely, or should I allow a serious amount of time to pass before trying to contact each other again…. and if she calls before a months time has passed. Should I ignore her? or should I hear her out?