Idk what to do

Me and my best friend of 12 years broke up last year after giving it a shot (we tried it a first time but she went through a traumatizing event that made her distance herself from everyone including me and down the line we tried it for real this time). After we broke up last year in the moments after I told her “if we’re not working towards a relationship I don’t think I can be JUST friends with you” after she told me she wanted to remain to be my friend and hang out immediately afterwards. But she talked me into being her friend and keeping contact with me. Even though I wanted to be with her and not just a friend.

The months following were more than forced on my behalf. I felt as if she didn’t want to be friends and we argued a few times to the point we stopped talking and blocked each other. I had a huge surgery I didn’t tell her about because 1) I didn’t think she cared about me having a surgery or not with all the crazy stuff said and 2) we weren’t in contact with each other for months. However to my surprise she figured out through mutual friends and my sister (who plays a big part in the craziness I’m in now with her) and sent me balloons and a get well card with a letter saying she loved me so much.

After the surgery we come into contact with each other and start talking again w/o talking about any relationships or I love you’s Or anything of the sort and when holiday season rolled around we exchanged gifts, I overdid the gift with a bracelet (she’s been wanting a pandora bracelet since we were kids and I promised her I’d get one for her a long time ago). But I wrote a letter and gave it to her with the bracelet. The note was saying pretty much I’m still so much in love with her and I didn’t know why I’m still like that after being broken up for about 7 months. It also said I wanted her back not then and there but in the near future and we work our way to being together for good. She responded by saying she loves me too, thanked me for everything, wants me around for good and said she doesn’t know if and when we are going to be together because relationships aren’t something you plan they just happen. I accept that response and we remain platonic.

After that we hang out a few times for both of our birthdays. We go out to eat, go shopping, visit each other, etc… Then next thing you know I couldn’t help but to want to put an end to all the platonic friendship business we had and wanted her as my girl again for good. I realized this when I was on a date with a girl I liked and I slipped and called her my ex’s name. (Yeah I know that’s pitiful). Now we rarely talk because I know she said it’s something you can’t force and also she said she needed space to heal from our break up that I didn’t give her when initially I tried to do that but she insisted we remain friends. We’ve done the NC rule and now I’m at the point where I believe I’m healed from what went wrong but she’s still letting it cloud how she feels about me. When we talk it’s just hi and bye and “if you need me I’m still around” we NEVER used to talk like that before we got into a relationship. Everything used to be fun and interesting. Idk what to do now