I think I blew it :(

Hi everyone,

My ex didn’t call me, didn’t text me, the only way he did was if I didn’t text him for 3-4 days. Then he was all “just checking in”. When I went over to his place it was for 2-3 days at a time and he came over maybe once a week if it fit into his schedule. The reason I stayed over more was because there was actual talking and conversation involved. If not I’d got nothing. At the beginning of the summer I asked for a 50/50 I see you, you see me and he told me that once I said that, it felt more like a chore than a desire to come see me. All I wanted was to see him. There was this time at the beginning of the summer where we didn’t see each other for 2 2/12 weeks so of course I’d address the issue. Then he went on about how he couldn’t see me every day god damn it I didn’t want to see him every day I just wanted like “hey good morning ” or “thinking of you” or just a plain “how have you been” I never got it. He didn’t take effort in things I enjoy. I am not very keen on baseball, though I learned a lot and started to appreciate a bit… I went to the majority of his games, but I did get annoyed with him once and told him I hated he game, bad move on my part I guess. I wanted to watch a movie with him a couple of weeks ago, a sci-fi movie and he left to go read his baseball book. Well that made me feel great I respect his sister a lot she organized a going away concert in which she performed in every number along with her family and friends. I wasn’t invited to perform and it hurt pretty bad going to a concert where you have the impression that you’re not good enough. I felt I wasn’t good enough on multiple occasions, maybe that is why I tried so hard. People after asked me “Why didn’t you sing? Are you still going out with him?” And after I was invited to a BBQ that was really hard to attend because of how I felt but I kept my attitude in check. His family thought it was absolutely ridiculous that I was hurt about this situation. His sister had another going away party this time American themed. I was invited of course by her. But with all the crap going on between my ex and I asked him if he wanted me there. He said I don’t know. So I asked him again later, same answer. After a couple of tries he said “if you can forget all of our problems for a night you can come” and I was all ‘I can do that” and then he said “but you can’t be sour in anyway. I’d there is a game you don’t like pretend to like it, if someone says something that offends you don’t react, if someone insults you as a joke, brush it off” I mean I can keep myself in check if I am hurt or if something bothers me… but if someone insults me I have to take it like an idiot and not defend myself? You don’t say that to a person, you don’t invite them into your home on condition. I would not have even done that to someone I hate. I asked for something in return if I was to obey his conditions at the party. I asked him at the end of the night, that he would follow me to bed. He then went into a “what does it matter if you go to bed and then I go 30-45 mins later?” I said it was important to me but it didn’t really matter. So when I called him he gave me silence than an unenthusiastic “yes” like I was ruining his fun. You know me, I mean I don’t go to bed early. And he said why does there need to be a time, (I gave an example of 11;30-midnight) I said it was just an example, there wasn’t a time. I just needed to know that he would follow me… that was the other reason i didn’t go. He didn’t want to follow me. Anyway I took that as a real sign that he didn’t want me there. That wasn’t a yes. I told him to make his life easier I wouldn’t go. Then all communication has been cold from his side. His family thought that request was utterly ridiculous. But I was getting nothing, no time I wanted just a little time. Then he said that everything isn’t always about me I god damn know that. But I put him first. Before me, there was music, baseball, the sister he adores, family, his mother’s orders, umpiring, job, then me. I told him that I didn’t feel like a priority several times and he didn’t do anything. One of my by friends said it appears that he thinks I become sour around him, but if he would have worked a bit. other say because his is his first relationship he doesn’t know how to be in one, others say I deserve better and they don’t know why I put up with it

I never really had he concept of family. So when I told that to him and he welcomed me I to his. He told me is mom said whoever he loves they will love, consider my sisters yours. I became attached. And for all this to be cut from my life along with the one I love is something terribly hard. Why must a relationship be on his time alone? I mean all I wanted was something in return on my time. The only time that was worthy enough was at his house and an activity with his family. Like his schedule this semester he has two early mornings and I was all “I get to see him and do stuff with him on my time because he’ll get more time to sleep. He said I am trying to find out which night is more worth it. I wasn’t worth it? I posted things on Facebook the last 2 weeks because it is helping me cope. According to him his mother almost contacted me to stop. She said they were out of line. I have asked other people what they think of the posts and they say they are necessary and inspirational. Anyway I actually apologized to his mom. I said I that I was sorry if j did anything she considered irrational, that I really loved her so and this is extremely hard for me. I was ignored. She saw it and answered it is really hard on him to but he has to make his own choices in life and that I was lovely and that she wished me well. What did I do wrong to not even be addressed? In some way I feel used. I don’t understand. Why do you leave if you still love the person? Did I ask for too much? But how can I follow something that isn’t equal? I sort of wised he lied, because I have hope because of that. I felt great, real love when I held him or he held me, but I didn’t know how to feel that way all the time. I used to feel that way all the time. He used to be there. Everything changed after Christmas when I over stayed my welcome at his house and he payed more attention to be than his family. His mom talked to him and said family is important and I slowly wasn’t a priority anymore and by summer.

His mom didn’t answer me until after 4/5 days after I apologized her He denies anything concerning his family. He is blind to the real situation I have tried to tell him. My teacher says he will never have a successful relationship until he realizes. His 2nd eldest sister isn’t in music but in travel. She actually has a 50/50 relationship going on and it drives because she misses some “crucial” family time to be with her boyfriend and my ex and his mom nuts. His mom said it was like they were living on their own while her house became lodging. She is your daughter for god sake let her grow up, it didn’t really bother his eldest sister that just left for Indiana, which left him heartbroken because they are really close, or their dad. He obeys his mom like a puppy. He was on the path of growth until his mother stunted it during Christmas break. This doesn’t help that he is 5 years younger than me.

There is girl that they took under their wing since she was 5, she finally moved in when she turned 18. I never really trusted her because my ex and she get along so well. He considers her as his sister but I just have this funky feeling that they will end up together. Sounds harsh but his mom would like that; it wouldn’t bring toxic into their little club. I told him I was uncomfortable with her and he just didn’t understand how I didn’t see her as his sister. This all comes from his mom though. Like my ex doesn’t do so well in his general education classes but is phenomenal in music. The expectation to “do your best” more like be perfect is crazy especially in music. I caught him crying once because he got a 97 on a theory final and he was disappointed and said he could do better? And now since his eldest sister is in Indiana for her masters, my ex has been promoted to everything she did. Teaching music theory at a music school on Saturdays, all her piano students and the biggest thing that I think he might fail at because he is not his sister, musical director of her choir. He has no experience in choir direction at all and it was placed upon him. He hasn’t seen any of his friends from school all summer and I mean I saw his eldest sister go out for lunch go out with friends and be back in time for dinner or not too late And well his second eldest sister pretty much has a 50/50 committed relationship going on like I said so she sees her friends a couple of times and is mostly with her boyfriend and since this girl moved in they complain that they see less of her now than then she lived with her mom and came over to visit. She is always out with her friends or work.

I went to so many places for answers and I didn’t get any just lots of advice. I did the no contact rule until school started again. that was for about 2 1/2 weeks. I gave him a coffee as a peace offering on the second day of school and said I wanted a form a closure. So… after all that he gave me 3 weeks of anxiety and false hope. I thought he still had feelings so Friday I did this. I wanted to talk to him and he knew it so I tried to catch him off guard. It didn’t work. I was trying to make him want me again and it didn’t work. I said I wanted to talk and go out for coffee. But instead I took him to all the places where we had our best times and I tried to make him see what we had. I tried to make it fun. He was unimpressed and unresponsive. By our last stop, our bench at the theatre where he officially asked me out. I was discouraged by this point and my cute plan of drawing a circle on a piece of paper saying we have come full circle didn’t happen and I told him I was going to do that, but by his reactions he would probably find it useless instead of romantic. I pulled out a note he wrote to me last Christmas. It said that he didn’t know how someone as talented and beautiful as me actually wanted to date him, how he was in disbelief and overjoyed. How I was his lover and best friend and how much he loved me. He looked at me and said that he didn’t feel that way anymore, that he didn’t regret his decision, he is happier than he has ever been and that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. I asked him when he fell out of love and he said he didn’t know. He said the day he broke up with me, he went to bed feeling relived that I wasn’t in his life like that anymore. Yet he still said he loved me when we broke up to which he said there is a difference between being in love and loving someone. He lead me on, giving me false hope that he still loved me and that circumstance just didn’t allow. I explained the stages of relationship and he just sat there saying that he predicted everything I was going to say and yet he still let me think that entire journey through the city that there was maybe something there. He told me he went along with it because he wanted to believe I wasn’t lying to him, that I really wanted closure and not to get back together. he knew I still loved him.

When he left me and I had some answers, I went into a panic attack. I couldn’t believe he had fallen out of love with me. I sent texts of really raw emotion. I regret sending them, I feel that blew my chance. He sees me as dependent. “I might go off the grid. I haven’t felt this much pain in a long time. I fear I might fail this semester if I continue school. I am very close to dropping it, I have thought about this for about a week. This is just too much for me. You might not see me. I wish you nothing but the best because above anyone else you deserve it, I love you goodbye. Just be grateful for your family, because I considered them mine and I lost them. You never know when you might”

His family thinks that I am immature, that I didn’t act my age around him. But there was no maturity to bounce off of. I didn’t really use my head and went with my heart the entire time because well I fell deep and it was deeper than I ever fell before. So I guess that could be what they saw. I mean everyone knew we were dating, so we acted like a couple, you know holding hands, snuggling on the couch, him putting his arm over me during desert when we had supper. But his family said it was too much affection in ‘public’ … erm, you mean private? It was his house for god sake… it wasn’t like we were making out 24/7. When his mother talked to him at Christmas about how we should act more the friends around people it took a good month and a half for him to even put his hand on my knee in front of his parents like a supper or something. Is that too much affection?
And well I lost myself completely with this guy. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I wasn’t the same me. I even went to therapy for him. He is fabulous musician. I was trying to see myself worthy for him and not comparing myself to him all the time. People seemed to think it was because I wanted to be better than him or everyone, but I started to doubt myself and anytime he would do better, my self-worth for just went down. I was proud of him, I just didn’t show it or just got mad and it came off badly.

He never made me feel sexy and I always wondered why. I lost my confidence and fun side. I wasn’t spontaneous anymore because he wanted everything planned. He blamed me for asking too much of him when I gave my everything. He couldn’t even call, he couldn’t even come over, and he was too busy. It’s like I was trying to fit their mold. But I didn’t succeed and they shut me out He is influenced heavily by his mother and she said, “She’s lovely, but she isn’t the girl for you” Everyone I have asked for advice says “Maybe he isn’t right for you” but not a direct statement, they leave me to choose. he didn’t talk to me for a week before he broke up with me, I tried and I got very, very small talk and his answer was always, ” I need time” My good friend, my voice teacher, knows the family and says they are toxic, not the one’s who come in from outside. They just don’t see that. And that family holds my voice teacher in high regards.
Last night I spoke to him on how to actually break up with someone clearly. That I don’t want anyone else to go through what he made me go through. It was my 6th relationship and it was his first so I consider it normal I suppose.

And still, after all of this, I want him back. Are my chances gone?