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hi, guys. i’m sure many of you can relate to this question… when you’re still in love with someone who may or may not love you anymore, how can you tell if you’re reading too much into the things they say or do? i feel like i drive myself crazy sometimes because i have a really devious tendency to read into things but I ALSO TEND TO ignore things that are actually meaningful because i get scared or am trying to protect myself from being hurt. I never know which it is!
what about you guys? in these tumultuous months of trying to bring your ex back into your life, how can you tell when things you notice are actually meaningful, or just wishful thinking?
I read into a lot.
I have a lot of access to a lot of information I shouldn’t.Knowing what I know is incredibly painful at times, and the interactions we have still leave a lot of questions unanswered.
It’s very tough. I am nearing 90 days since the break up soon, and I still think of her every second of every day. We text to occasionally, sometimes she is fun, and sometimes very distant. I tried to meet up with her on Monday but she was rightfully to busy to meet for a coffee break.
I guess just be grateful you don’t have access to all of the information about your ex, it will make you more crazy.
Also, just stay focused and being around people helps. If I’m with someone I can’t check in on my ex, it just doesn’t work. It’s the alone time at night, or in the morning that is hard.
How long have you been broken up? What’s the communication like with your ex?
I bet nearly everyone on this site reads way too much into things! I don’t know if it can be prevented. I try to think of other reasons for him having said or done what I’m reading in to – and overall not put too much weight on anything unless its explicit. Those of us still in no contact are spared all this I guess, temporarily at least!
I’m exactly the same Penelope ! :/
Even though it’s very clear that my ex doesn’t want to be with me anymore I keep thinking that perhaps even the universe is giving me signs that it’s still meant to be!! I wish I could just stop assuming things or hoping for things.I knew I wasn’t alone!! It’s so hard sometimes. Sometimes, I’ll swing back and forth between finding ‘signs’ that he doesn’t want me and signs that he might in the SAME conversation!!
@wondering412 I actually think that the more you know, the less you read in, because you don’t have to guess; you know where they’re coming from, you know the context, right? I think my problem is I know very little and I extrapolate, sometimes dangerously.We were never “together” in the traditional sense; we dated briefly. he was very intense about me but (because of my terror of intimacy) i sent crazy mixed signals and things derailed. To make a very long and painful story short, we’ve been drifting in and out of each other’s lives for the past 5 years and it’s been a melee of mixed signals ever since. This summer has been especially intense and I’m at my wit’s end. A huge part of the problem is that we’ve never had a really open talk about things, which is why I try to fill in the gaps myself and end up in a panic most of the time. I literally don’t know what to think anymore. I obsess and obsess and obsess and I don’t know how to understand what’s in front of me.
Example: today I ran into him in front of his family’s boutique (where we first met) and he said, “Your friend was in here earlier. The girl I always see you with, the one with the blue eyes who looks Irish. I don’t know her name. Is she a good friend of yours?” My first reaction: he notices who i’m with!!! (which is true, he always has, he’s always said things like “which friend? the one i always see you with? the tall one with the short hair?”). But then, later on, I thought: “oh god!!!” and all evening, I’ve been wigging out thinking that he said that because he wants to date my friend and wants to find out if I’m close with her before making his move. See? Stuff like this.
@scatteredtracks I hate the universe and its signs!!!!!! They follow me everywhere, too…There is an online dating guru called Evan Marc Katz – have any of you ever read his stuff? He’s a very big believer in “believe the negatives, ignore the positives”… what do you think about that?
I hadn’t heard of him before – but that definitely sounds like something I do naturally anyway :/ I’m not sure it’s a good thing because it’s important to pick up on positive signals as otherwise good things may pass you by? But that’s just my opinion. I guess by not looking for positives you are less likely to get hurt so I guess that’s why it’s effective.
I read WAY to much into things…. In the past I was always negative and felt second best but this time I’m actually really optimistic. This could come from changing the way I feel about myself…. My partner is in a classic rebound, when she sees mutual friends she asks if she has heard from me she still has pics of us on her instagram and reply’s and likes my Facebook status,,,, I’m just hoping time will not erode my optimism or let her fall in love with the rebound. I don’t want to make your thread about me but the other day I put a status on fb saying how I had improved my mental health and was starting achieve goals…. Goals that I had set when we broke up she liked it, messaged me saying it was good I was feeling good about myself and getting help. Then she unliked because a girl she hates commented on it and she posted a status saying she cant wait to get home from her holiday to see her new man friend….. I see that as a reaction to my post fuelled by jealously over the other girls comment….How’s that for reading into things 🙂
I will say optimism is better than pessimism however I am scared if this break up is permanent and the optimism disappears I may crash….
EMK’s idea is that the negative signs are the truth. For example, if he sleeps with you and says you’re hot (positive) but he won’t introduce you to his friends and he only calls you once a week (negative) EMK thinks that it’s obvious you’re just the booty call, not a girlfriend. Or, alternately, he says he loves talking to you but hasn’t asked you out, it’s because you are just a woman he likes but isn’t attracted to.
I think a sign that we might be reading too much into something is when we come up with many alternate explanations or start to obsess and feel terrible. What do you think?
Ahh, that makes sense. I think you’re right. It’s important to just take things at face value and stop trying to make positives out of everything. Like MAYBE he did this because of this… or MAYBE it’s just because of this. We just have to take the facts that we know for sure and not run with them anymore. Even though that is sometimes a lot harder, as we have to take the negatives and not try to spin them into a positive (I feel like that’s something I do!!) – When I asked my ex for a hug, he hesitated and made a sound like he was not really sure, or that it wouldn’t be right. I pretended to myself that his hesitation meant that he wanted to but then thought it wouldn’t be right. When really I should’ve just taken it as the fact that he didn’t want to. And I need to stop trying to make the situation better for myself & face reality.
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