How do I control my emotions?

First of all I think I will tell the long version of the story below but, my main question here is exactly how can I control my emotions? It’s just pure self control and I always get so angry with myself when I seem to lack it.. I do have an issue with anxiety and I don’t know if that is tying in here but god it’s just so hard to keep from contacting her.

Backstory (attempting short version):

I have been with my gf for nearly 4 years, we met online and we live in different countries which has never been an ideal situation of course but I do fly for free so I was able to go see her a good amount (the plane ride is under 2 hours so it could definitely be worse). Every time we were together it was magical… time would just speed up so much because everything we did together was amazing and neither of us wanted it to end. For the first 2 years we were seeing each other a good bit, but I got promoted to full time at my job around the same time that she went back to university to pursue a degree in early childhood education to be a teacher.

Things got a little bad because she wasn’t handling the stress of school + her home life well… but we stuck through it (me supporting her by helping to pay for her therapy sessions where she learned to cope with stress a bit better) and stayed together and stayed in love. She has completed the first part of her degree (2 years) and now has another 2 years.

Unfortunately her home life is no better… she cannot afford to live on her own as she is a full time student so she lives with her parents who are overbearing and controlling. She is 5 years younger than me but she is nearly 24 so she’s a grown adult… but her dad told her to get out of the house (she considered a homeless shelter, and living with me, but ultimately stayed) and now her and her father do not speak and she always feels on edge living there. She is no longer allowed to go out for extended periods or spend the night with ‘friends’ (aka me when I’d come visit her and get a hotel). I also need to mention that I am a girl as well and her father is a raging homophobe and she’s terrified of him finding out about me because she thinks he would actually try to harm me (and/or her).

As you can see, this whole situation is extremely complicated. We looked into her finishing school here in the US (she’s canadian by the way) but financially it wasn’t an option. She says that she has no qualms about moving here and actually has always wanted to get out of her home city and do something different.

So the problem is that she’s started feeling more stressed as she’s beginning a new university for her final 2 years of school, and she sort of broke it off with me (there was never really an official breakup), we had a long talk and she said she felt a lot of pressure because her life was not where she wanted it to be. She said she concentrate on finishing school which I can understand. My thing is she keeps saying we aren’t together right now, we’re on a ‘break’ because she says it is unfair to me to have to keep waiting for her when I am impatient. I told her that although I am impatient I have waited thus far and would continue to do so. Her response is to send mixed signals. I told her tell me you no longer love me or want to be with me and I am gone that’s it but she said she did still love me. She said shes ‘just bad at relationships’ and was tired of ‘complicating my life.’ My thing is we have been in a relationship this long with this complicated situation and I don’t get why suddenly she wants to not be in a relationship with me.

I get her need to concentrate on school and I want to give her space but I keep being confused and frustrated with the fact that we’re no longer a couple when I want to be. I am torn between no contact and wanting to keep talking to her and letting her know I support her. She is very independent and doesn’t want anything from me but I am always telling her how I want to help take care of her. She doesn’t accept that. She doesn’t want anything from me and she doesn’t want me to keep contacting her about how I am frustrated at not being able to tell her I love her etc. She said don’t talk to me if you are going to be negative. So I feel fine and am able to keep it light with her for a while but then I’ll have a bad day where I get emotional and I just break down and text her about how I wish we could be together again. She just keeps saying I’m sorry I don’t know what to tell you. I say tell me we will be together in the future like we planned and she said I can’t speak for the future when I need to concentrate on now.

Like I said, I get her need for space. So my question is, do I keep in contact with her and somehow muster the self control to not cry to her about how much I miss her and miss how we were, or do I just go NC? Right now I cannot imagine my life without her and I know if I back off it will make me look better and make her miss me so that’s what I’m trying to do but god it’s hard. And it makes me feel better to be able to talk to her over no contact. We did NC for 3 days and I ended up texting her asking how she was she said idk I’m ok but I miss talking to you and I said me too. And then we talked every day for a while but last night I broke down about how I just wanted things to be like they were and how I wanted a future with her.

I think she is frustrated with her life in general (she keeps saying she thought she would be farther in life by now) and she doesn’t think it’s worth it for us to stay together and still have our little fights etc when she just wants to take the first step in bettering her life which would be finishing school. She is extremely introverted and takes pleasure in being alone so I know she must still love me to even have talked to me at all but I just miss her and want her to know I will wait for her. I told her that. And she said ok and we haven’t spoken since (only been like 10 hours).

Sigh. I just wish love was enough to get us through without all these extra complications.