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I just avoided continuing to dwell on that Bc it isn’t a possibility at this moment. And I would rather not continue to go back and forth about it. I know him extremely well. Yes people can change and no he is not doing that. Especially if he still loves me he isn’t Bc he knows that would cause more problems if we got back together. I no longer want to talk about this subject though so please accept that. I’ve thought about it and had ruled it unlikely before and then yesterday did the same
@brokenhearted So if you accept him as he is and the fact that right now he needs time to cool off and you want to give him time so why do you keep doing things like texting or looking at his Linkedin because you know he can see that? To get the reaction that you want i.e him asking you to come back. All it shows is that you are still trying to control him and the situation so your actions are still not following your thoughts and shows you are not ready to be in relationship. He will contact you when/if he is ready and he has not because he is not that yet.
@Dragongirl just drop the subject for now, she did not understand the point for the right part of it and it is because she is not ready yet for it so no point to try to push it, it will come in time and she needs to see it for herself and figure out what she finds acceptable. Part of life’s tapestry and lessons.@finntoga
Well, linkedin and fb aren’t contacting. The linkedin was a bit of a fail bc that will notify him and my intentions were actually immature. I think the checking is bc i miss him and also like trying to see what he’s up to. Not saying it’s healthy. I also am not used to doing this, letting go of control completely. Not like I controlled it before…I thought he did and he thought I did… I just would at least like to know where he is. And I know I need to accept that right now, I don’t.
Also I did understand the point for the right part of it and I still would not be OK with that if he did that. And I do not believe he is at this moment. Because of that, I don’t want to linger on it as thinking of improbable events is not helpful for me.Also I asked friend to do dinner instead of texting my ex 🙂
I also got dressed up for no reason.
No you didnt because the point was not is he possibly seeing someone or having sex someone or does he has a new phone but the point was that you don’t know what he is up to, how he feels and how he behaves when you guys are broken up, the only thing if you genuinely want him back is to accept him as he is because when he is not in a relationship with you if he does something that you dont approve (no matter what it is) you have no right to be mad at him or give him hard time about it so you need to think in advance what are deal breakers for you, what is it that you need from him, you cannot expect certain behaviors from other people, you either accept them as they are into your life or not. The example Dragongirl gave was sex but it could have been other things as well but you latched on that one which showed exactly that the point which was whole time about accepting the other person as they are (which you dont do yet, you still have him in a pedestal and have expectations for him that he might not be able to fulfill) and it is just keeping your expectations on him realistic not about is he sleeping with someone or not that was just pure example. What we wanted you to think was what are the things you can and cannot accept if/when you get back together. Breakups change people and nobody is exactly as they were before. I have changed a lot with my last breakup as well personality wise because it has been a learning curve that still continues for me.
I am sorry but if you look at his Linkedin and he sees that yes you did not technically contacted him but you want a reaction from him when he sees you look at this profile and to me it is similar thing about control. Until you control you, you need to work on that instead of trying to control him. Of course that is my opinion only and you decide what parts you want to use.
Those are really positive things the dinner and getting dress up. Good for you. Keep doing that because it will divert your thoughts and also makes you feel better instead of sitting in your room thinking about him. Good on you : ). I am suffering from Insomnia so trying to get to sleep…Need to study two more days , two more exams. Then back to work. Have great evening with your friend : ).
@finntoga Oh yeah that makes sense… but in this case it isn’t really a pedestal bc I don’t think someone needs to be on a pedestal to not rebound like that…and use other’s to avoid problems. I just know him and he’s not like that. And also, a lot of my guy friends aren’t either. Actually I believe the only one that is is gay and he isn’t much into serious relationships to begin with (just a personal thing for him) And him as he is…he is the type of person that wouldn’t rebound and I don’t think something so embedded in him would change so drastically. So it’s not as much an expectation as it is something we’ve discussed. He decided to not do that for himself, I had no influence on him.
Yeah, I can’t control him, you’re right. I just wish the example had been something different like for example maybe getting drunk. That I would *hope* he wouldn’t do but I know he is human and I can’t control that. It would be something he 95% of the time doesn’t do but this time may be the 5%. I do understand better now though. yeah, I think we are both trying to control the other at this point. He tried to control my reaction and then I know he knew I would see he viewed me… so I do get the point I believe. We both still need work and to mature a bit
@finntoga Thanks! My roommate actually suggested it 🙂 Well, not the dressing up part. I just have this cute dress I haven’t worn bc I bought it to wear with my ex and I decided I would put it on anyway 🙂 I hope you do well on your exams! Get some good sleep!
Ahh I really wanted to text him a certain text Bc I went somewhere w my friend that I had gone w him. “My friend (friends name) wanted (name of place). remember when you brought me here you said they had normal food too but We still mostly ate ice cream? Lol lunch of champions “and guess what
I DIDNT SEND IT! Kinda angsty and anxious worried he doesn’t love me doesn’t miss me will never come back and all other types of insecure thoughts but I didn’t send it Bc rational brain thinks he misses me and loves me and needs time and to see that I can give space and not be clingy either even though I know it is a risk I have to take like by that I mean giving space and the possibility of him never returning is a risk I need to take if I want him back for the long run… Which I do
I just hope he sees these changes and has hope for us and love me enough to try us again after we work on us separately but idk. I have to not text and take the risk. If I don’t I may push him away and never know what would have happened.
Well done. You see that even when you did not follow the the desire of sending it you are not as anxious as you were even though it is till there but you followed your brain and rational part and that is first step taking control of those anxieties and fears and of yourself. Well done : ). Keep bringing the rational part even when it is hard because that is your key to self improvement and way to finding you in this process. So keep doing that and also continue distracting yourself and you can get there…
Yeah that’s true. My anxiety is still high both ways.
It’s really bad this morning. I’m really scared he will never come back or reach out to me. I also know that if I text work cell and keep texting it he may be upset. And I would rather him miss me and see I’m not texting him even though I could if I wanted to…
I also was super anxious while talking to my friend who is having boy issues of her own. And we both kept going on and on… Lol
I almost texted him when I was with her but I didn’t… I probably would have had I been alone though.
My fear is he won’t come back or text me ever again. That was my fear in the relationship as well even though he did come back… And that fear led to me trying to control stuff by constantly texting him and sending something else if i hadn’t gotten a reply..
I guess if he doesn’t come back, I need to tell that fear it was wrong and we just had gotten to a point where he didn’t think it could work.
If he does come back I could tell that fear “see you don’t need to keep texting”
I know that fear started when we weren’t official Bc I wouldn’t be his girlfriend but was kissing him and such… He was hurt so he pulled away thought I was using him or playing games and then the ignoring and blowing up started.
It’s hard for me to rationalize it though I mean I know he was hurt but my brain still blames it all on him when it’s not all his fault.My roommate and I spoke about the LinkedIn view (when I looked at his yesterday) she thought it kind of counts as contact and also doesn’t Bc she doesn’t want me to view things in black and white (that’s what I do…if I think I screw up then i send more and think “forget this” and then I make it worse) that’s honestly probably why I texted him last Saturday too Bc I knew he could see I viewed his LinkedIn. -.-
So I agree w my roomie while it kind of counts I also know how my brain works and I don’t want to fall into black and white mentality. So I’m not going to count it as breaking nc again. And also I will not do that where he can see I viewed it again -.-
Honestly I think that last night I thought I already messed up so why not mess up more. I’ve been through the same w my eating disorder and no longer think like that (well at least don’t act on it) w my eating disorder, so now I really need to practice not doing it when contacting him eitherAs far as texting him last Wednesday goes… I knew he looked at my LinkedIn and you were right, I wanted him to known I had learned and such Bc I was hoping he would respond and we would get back together that night -.-
I am glad you admit that. No one expects you to loose the anxiety and fears in one night working on them is a process just like with your eating disorder. The main thing is to learn to control it and that is what you did last night. Instead of instant gratification for you, you held on because you realized that you need to look long term so be proud of that.
I’m trying 🙁
I just looked though and he added another photo to Instagram 🙁 I’m just upset I’m so worried he doesn’t care or miss me or love me and won’t come back. I want to text him s badly 🙁
Also pretty sure my coworker friend likes me… Ahhhh 🙁Yeah I think coworker likes me. Blahhh he had to see my pics w my ex that are still on Instagram though.
I just feel so anxious right now I have like a pit in my stomach. I want to know what ex posted even though rationally I know it’s prob something of his son, Hun, food, or exercise :/
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