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Hi brokenhearted, i have tried to read most of ur posts..
I fully agree with Finntoga and Dragongirl. You need to find ways of feeling happy by urself regardless of if he is coming back or not. Its our big error (mine too) to fully depend our happiness on our partner being with us … U HAD a happy life before he was in ur life and u can still have a life without him.
I am not trying to say he will never come back but i am trying to say u should get the control of ur life.
Open a new page in ur life, try not to check his profile in any social media, try thinking of him less and start thinking of ur future plans (even if that is daily plans).
I understand this time is very difficult for u but trust me there are worst things in life that u can not reverse… i have lost some of my family members for cancer, heart attack, sudden death. I would do anything to bring back my father so i could tell him how much i love him but nothing will ever bring him back… You have a chance to replace this guy and be happy with someone else !!!
Trust me no guy is worth being sooo upset …Sorry all! Looooong Day! Had treatment then met with a 17 year old client (well no longer client bc I switched jobs) and brought her to dinner and spoke about why I left and other things about her foster home, etc. She has had so much inconsistency in her life… so many people just leave without looking back that I needed to meet with her in person. It was heartbreaking to say bye and I gave her my contact info. Then after that I drove to my parents home and saw a friend here.
@Finntoga
Yeah that’s a really good question and I actually do not know the answer to it myself!!! I know it is not true and then I still work myself up and think of very unlikely crazy scenarios that are irrational. Not sure if it has to do with anxiety fear insecurities or what exactly. And yeah I figured it was the angle she was coming from, I just reacted in a way that I would have predicted but others may not have known . And yeah exactly!! How do I help that!? Sometimes I take what others say especially certain friends and then I act on it and it turns out into a bigger mess! Any tips? Yeah, I need to trust myself. I hadn’t even thought about that. That’s such a good point. I really appreciate you and @dragongirl for being so open and honest with me and not feeding my hopes but speaking with me rationally.Yeah, that’s a really good point. I’m glad I hung out with a friend tonight. It was helpful. He is a male friend and from my HS days years ago and from my church and he wouldn’t tell me any opinion really about my ex and the linkedin and angry response bc he said he doesn’t know him lol .
Oh my gosh. I said “not always” wow. Glad you called me out on that one 🙂 Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I really struggled today with NC
Now that I know he is looking at my stuff I am wondering what he is thinkingAnd I texted him 2 days ago (that was the one I told you about on Sunday night) So finished 2 days NC and now day 3. I just keep wondering if he will reach out And I don’t know. And I know we need time…me included. And I know that I did not blow him up or keep acting needy and clingy and he probably expected that so regardless he will probably notice the change. It is helpful to realize I actually can control those actions of mine! Now it’s time for thoughts and self esteem.
Yeah I want a healthy relationship. If I need to wait for him I will. He is worth it to me. I believe in us. I don’t know where he stands and right now we are over and I’m just trying to accept that as much as I can. And yes I do need to learn that! I just don’t know how to learn that! And yes I did let it, I wish I knew how to control it better! Its hard for me to just brush something off and not analyze at all.
Yeah that’s a good idea. Using my mind as a filter..Trusting my instincts and logically thinking things through. I t just is so hard to trust myself when I have not done so for a long time. I don’t even trust myself to eat sometimes!Yeah, I need to just be happy being me. I don’t feel like I’m capable of that though.. I look in the mirror and self criticize every little thing. Haha 😉 I like the idea about linkedin and instagram haha. Look good feel good 🙂 I am glad he looked at is yesterday and also my mind is like “okay…when will he contact me now… ” I’m so tempted to contact him and I will not. How did your exam go? Good luck on the next one!
No worries! Those types of things are hard for me when I know they’re currently not happening. I start to make up scenarios in my head and work myself up. I figured you didn’t think that was the present case and wanted to still say that sometimes, that happens for people and at the same time, when I read that I was like :O
lbs.Yeah, I can’t control what he’s doing. Honestly I bet he’s sulking and mad, playing with his son and spending time bc he loves his son and has custody, and working 2 jobs, napping a bit, trying to worry about bills and then stalking my linkedin 😉 lol had to add it. It’s hard to not contact bc I feel like that def shows he is becoming a little more open to talking to me AND I also know that if he really wants to talk to me, he knows how to get a hold of me.
And thanks! I’m glad you have faith in me despite all my defects and how hard of a time I’ve had! I’m actually surprised you all have not given up on me. Probably a judgment of myself actually it is a self judgment nothing to actually do with others..@Jasminka86
Thanks for the reply 🙂 And yeah, I do. It just is hard to find those. I hope I love my new job. Also I should really start journaling and photography and also read my Bible more often.
Also my sister is having a second child in June. I could also go visit my new niece (two nieces, so happy…the older one is 3 🙂 ) that would make me really happy!
And yeah. I was letting him define my happiness! I actually realized more people do this than I realized and they think it’s okay… what happens if he leaves… for me it made me a wreck!I’m working on the social media. It’s really hard. I didn’t call phone today to check if it is on (the personal one) bc I don’t want him to deduce that it is me…
I’m so sorry to hear about your losses! You are a very strong person having gone through all that! And yeah, you’re right. It is also hard bc we had amazing passionate chemistry and love… and a part of me just wants to send him a text that’s like flirty AND I know at this time it’s not a good idea.. blah. my heart thinks he will reach out…I guess we will see? :/Okay Brokenhearted ready for wisdom from Rocking Finntogas vault? Reason why it goes for a bigger mess is when you ask advice from your friends is because they have emotional connection with you that myself and Dragongirl do not have. Yes we are rooting for you and want you to succeed because we believe you can but we dont know other than what you told us here, we dont have history going back for years. So we can remain objective whereas people who care about you cannot. This is why I rarely listen to advice my friends give me and listen to myself and my gut mainly. Because if it goes wrong the only person I can blame is me so then I just learn from it but it goes when it is my own decision based on my gut feeling than when it is adice from people who care about me but cannot be objective. If I want it in person I ask my male colleague, he does not give shit about me so he is good sounding board for advice, he only cares I show up and do my work and we get long really well but there is no attraction nor are we friends outside work. We both agree that 38 hours week is enough for us to spend in each others company so he is perfect for objective advice. He never asks for mine but I give to him anyway. LOL. But that is what I mean friends are great for listening but for advice not so goood. Just came home from another exam and I think I messed this one up so I am going to go and kick myself now. Then zero the situation and study tomorrow for the Fridays exam. I still have three after friday but I am almost half way. Keep up the good work you can do it.
@finntoga
Ah having a hard time again. He looked at my linkedin profile and then has not texted. Slipped back and tried his personal cell again and I keep obsessing and freaking out about it. Will he REALLY change his number? It has been almost a month since his personal cell has gone off and I know he’s using the work cell at the moment. I’m just upset. I want to know if it is off bc of me or bc of finances, or both. But by now he knows I have other ways to contact him… idk. I keep over analyzing again. smh.
And that makes sense. My roommate had been stating that he still had feelings for me and obviously wasn’t over me by viewing my linkedin etc and now she’s just being vague saying idk blah blah blah and it’s bothering me. And that’s true about objectivity I guess I thought my roommate was objective but maybe not?
Like personally I thought the chances of him contacting me increased when he viewed my linkedin… is this accurate? And right now I am shedding the needy/clingy/blowing up persona and showing him I can wait and also showing myself that. hahaha your coworker does sound good for objective advice! lol!
Haha so funny you give advice to him anyway 🙂 I really want to break nc and I’m struggling again. I want to get through this week at the very least then extend my goal.Ahhh I hope your exams continue to go better! How many do you have total?
You are reading too much into simple things. Like he viewed your profile because you look at this. He has not contacted you because he is not ready. This is not like last time and you need to get that thorough your head and heart. I could see in your earlier post that because he looked at your linkedin that you thought for sure he will contact you but you dont get it that after the second break his limit has gone up so it means it will take considerably longer for him to get over it and start loosing up on negative feelings and you talk the talk but you are not yet walking the walk i.e you say the right things but you are not fully accepting that for now it is over and you are your only priority. The anxiety you feel is caused by you not be the situation. You work yourself up in to panic mode by having the thoughts what if he does not want me anymore, why has he not contacted me. Answer he is not ready. Does the fact he has not contacted you make you less of a person? Are you less attractive, less smart? then you were when you were with him? NO. What you need to see is that life is still moving along even if he is not there. You have so many things that need work first in you to make sure you are confident and happy person so that if/when he does contact you , you will manage in the relationship and will not go crazy as he said. I mean think of it. You saw even his sons mother as a threat to your relationship . I remember you going on about if he left the mother of his son why would he not leave you? Because you are not her you are you and maybe it was mutual between those two. Sometimes relationships simply do not work. If you ask me personally if he would contact you now it would be a disaster. Because if you get back together with him now in next couple of weeks or even a month it would not work long term. I know you disagree but I know I am right because it takes time to work on yourself and the time you two have had you have not gotten to the point where both of you can have healthy long term relationship. Why because he is angry and that means no work has been done. You have done some excellent work and progress but are near yet of a situation where you could make it work longterm because you have spent half of the time obsessing about him. The good news here is that once you do the work and control these obsessive thoughts and you can do that and you appreciate yourself and do not see your happiness arriving through him then I hope he contacts you and I do wish with all my heart that you get him back just not right now because I want you to have possibility for future with him but neither of you are there and that is why it is important you to start accepting the facts as they are.
I really like your plans you should go for those courses, new job will be great challenge and visiting your sister is excellent idea. That is the stuff to give you new perspective something fun and something else to think about.
Question how often per day do you ask your flatmate does she think you guys will get back together? ; ).
@finntoga
Yeah, that’s true. ACtually he didn’t know I could see it. I can only see it because I am a premium member and he didn’t know that. Also I “liked” a post on his school’s facebook but then I deactivated mine bc I realized I shouldn’t do that. And yeah, that makes sense. He still needs time. Yeah, I felt for sure he would contact me eventually maybe not for 1-2 weeks though. Now I’m annoyed at myself for liking the school post. I had reactivated then it was a post I actually liked ugh anyway i deactivated again. And yeah, I am learning a lot I think. Hopefully he at least realizes I can break my bad habits and he starts to work on his. And yeah, that’s true. I work myself up a lot. I’m always thinking and analyzing.
No, I am the same as when I was with him, I think. I also know he thought I was the most beautiful girl he’s been with 🙁 Yeah, I am proud of myself so far for not going crazy after his immature response. That’s a start.
Yeah, I did see her as a threat, not sure why. I guess bc I was a little jealous. I could never be his first. Never could be the mother of that little boy, and it kind of sucked. And no, I am pretty sure he did it. He said she was crazy. Now he says she is annoying. I want to know what exactly happened. I also want to know why yelp reviews referred to her as “wife” when I believe they never married nor were they engaged… Also one of the yelp reviews he says he likes donuts and he told me he doesn’t really like them… so…I remember him telling me he broke up w one of his ex girlfriends bc she was jealous of a childhood friend of his that he loves like a sister. I also became jealous of that same friend (no longer am, though) and he stayed w me when he had not with that previous gf and I believe that previous gf is the mother of his child as she knows the friend as well.Ahh you don’t think it would work long term as of yet!? 🙁 I feel like i have made a lot of progress with not blowing up?
And ohhhh yeah, anger does mean that. Hopefully he starts to soften up soon.Yeah I think I am no longer seeing him as my happiness? Not sure though. And yeah, thank you for saying that 🙂 It means a lot. I just wish I would be able to know what exactly he is thinking. I hate not knowing things. I’m pretty sure he still loves me and misses me and tried to hurt me the other day bc he was hurt and frustrated and wanted to frustrate me and also thought I would blow up, I didn’t. I did not prove to him that he made the right decision. I proved to him that I have changed 🙂 my medication has helped with that too, i believe. as it is more stable now. Still need to check the ocd thing though. Yeah I want to do those things too! It will be so much fun 🙂
And ahahah at least once and more than that if she gives me confusing answers..she is prob just frustrated?
well not the back together but the does he love me will he contact etc stuff
I just deep down believe he will come back..
I have six in total , two done, four to go. One on Friday, two on next Monday and then last one next Tuesday.
You know what? Too bad but the answers you want you are not going to get. I.e if his phone is closed because of you or finances but do you think he kept it close before you broke up? Nope I think it is finances if I am wrong so I am but still none of your business. His phone his business. Your phone your business. This is going to sound brutal but break the nc again and text him and you might as well start kissing the relationship goodbye forever. You know what I did the first month every single time when I wanted to contact my ex. I said to myself stop it he does not want you anymore so leave him alone. He is not yours anymore. And every time I said that outloud or silently to myself it stung like crazy but it stopped me from contacting him and you need to find your thing that everytime your head goes I want to text him you turn it around and then try not think about it. The cycle comes and this is all chemical because panic and fear is because you whip yourself into it . It starts with I cant be without him, I want him back I love him. Then someone says something innocent or not and you go he has closed his phone to stop me blowing it, has he moved on from me and because those are scenarios you refuse (read it as it is you are refusing to accept that) to even contemplate because you want him and you need him but that just is it. In time you realize you dont need him. Wanting and needing are two separate things and need for me is that you need basic things like food, water, shelter, safety, stability but when it comes to love you should want to be with someone but if you need then what happens when that is taken away?
So it is fine to want someone but when you say I need him. For what? What need does he fill that you cannot fill in you? Think about it. And what about his wants , I love my ex and if he never wants me then all I want for him is to him to be happy even if it means without me because allthough my road to happiness with someone else will be longer I believe some day I meet someone who is good for me. I dont need my ex, I love him and I want him but I dont need him. Every time I have broken up with guy and it does not matter who has done breaking up me or him, they have come back to me after 9 months to year. My ex now is only one but granted it has been 5 months so but I dont think about it, because there is very good chance he wont come back but in any of my breakups I always stopped contact immediately. And that brings them back me showing that I am fine and my life goes on. Only my very first boyfriend I begged not to leave me and after that never have done that again because it was humiliating and I am worth more than that. I mean he had cheated on me and I begged seriously but okay I was 19 so I guess you can put to my young age.
So start believing you dont need your ex either, you want him but you dont need him.
And that is where you should get before you go back to relationship with him if he wants to do that.Dont you see when you say you were jealous bc you could not be his first. People have pasts and if you cannot accept that then you should not be with the person. Also when you stuff like that it is about possession and you cannot own people.
And yes I dont believe if you get back together with him now that it would work. Because of the reasons I said you need to be in a place where you like yourself, it is not just about blowing up the phone but also accepting the other person as independent from you, that his actions will not always be what you want or need, learning to communicate from the start, not dragging all the past negative things into conversation, learning to listen to him and hearing what he says instead hearing something negative in your head that you then blow over. You have stopped one negative behavior which is the blowing his phone but you can see of the things you say you are not yet fully in control of the urges. You have the food thing going good so that is so awesome but there are still things you need to actually act out rather than just think and say to me good point. And that is the acceptance of him as an individual who will not do what you expect and want and most importantly you need to like yourself and appreciate yourself not as an extension to him but as you stand alone person and that you do not do yet fully. Like Dragongirl said when you are in similar head space as I am and it took me 3 and half months. Then you are ready not before and it starts with acceptance. Week or two is not enough time for him and that you need to accept. Yes I believe you are right that he will come back to you at some point but now is not the moment for that to happen. And for you to wish it to happen now means you are not looking at long term but only short term and neither you and I mean neither of you is ready.
@finntoga Good luck!
And yeah, I do want those answers :/ And I think it’s not exactly possible to get them right now, so you’re right.Currently I’m worried again about him never contacting me and I’m so tempted to break nc again and I’m so determined not to. I figured out that he viewed me from linkedin after seeing i viewed him. I had viewed him before and he didn’t view me back so why view me now? I liked something else on the school page. thinking maybe i should stay off FB though but part of me wants him to view me 🙁
And omg. What makes you think that about kissing the relationship goodbye forever? 🙁 I haven’t texted him and I unliked the post and deactivated my fb so hopefully he didn’t see that. I guess I’m being immature right now wanting his attention. And yeah, he isn’t mine. I want him to be. It does really hurt to say that. It’s a gut wrenching sinking feeling :/ This man is the love of my life. I know I do not need him. I just really really want him. I have at least learned to control my blowing up. However, I don’t know if sending him another text right now would be helpful to me. I feel like it may help my anxiety and in the moment it would probably actually make is worse. I can at least let him miss me and not seem desperate to talk to him. I just wish he would come back already since I feel I have changed the main thing I did in our relationship. I also know I may need a little more time to make sure that change sticks.
Yeah, I don’t want to beg anymore. I want him to want to come back to me. I hope I can still view linkedin as good sign. I know I don’t need him. I know that. I just want him. He is who I want. I love that man with all my heart. I want us to really try this time and let ourselves try and let go of our fears and insecurities and pasts.
Keep getting worried he won’t contact me… and right now I just need to be patient it’s just so difficult when my heart just wants him.
Yeah, I know they do and I still struggle with that. It never bothered me he had a child with her. I guess what really bothered me is seeing he had a tatoo of her on his back that he wants to get covered and hasn’t yet. He said he doesn’t care about tattoo and he wants it covered up. I also am jealous bc reading those yelp reviews he would do favors for her like pick up food, etc that I felt like he didn’t do for me. Idk . I mean we got pretty unhealthy but still.
And yeah, I think you’re right I just want it to work out so badly right now and at the same time I know some things are worth waiting for. Yeah, I need to accept myself and him as separate beings. I really need to finish that self help book. Yeah, we both dragged negative things into the relationship.
And yeah, listening to him is really important I think.
I’m annoyed now that I know he viewed me after seeing I viewed him (that was Saturday I think I viewed him) and he still made the conscious choice to view me which means he wanted to. I just hpe it was on purpose not an accident. See? I’m doing it again. I know he viewed me from his own will and I am STILL trying to say “actually he doesn’t care” I don’t know where this is coming from. Probably from fear and insecurity. Yes I do need to better control the urges. I am working on it slowly. I am working on picking up the pieces and seeing that this has actually helped me. I stll just want him. I want him so badly. I have never been so in love with anyone in my life. All his defects, all his strengths, weaknesses, his laugh, silly personality. All the love and passion we had. Bleh. And yeah I need to work on liking myself and it is still hard for me bc such a foreign concept. WEll break up was almost 4 weeks ago and I did only do 3 weeks nc. So I’m just trying again. Even though I know he did that to frustrate me the other day and that he has strong feelings for me, I still am being insecure. I want to know if he will see I am not blowing up and notice. I am hoping he will since this is so out of character. Hey maybe I can use my stubbornness to my advantage for this one time. He is most likely expecting me to text again! So I won’t. I won’t give in. I will be strong. I will not do what he expects. I guarantee he is shocked I haven’t said anything else since Sunday…and I do not want to show him I keep thinking of him. I want to show him and MYSELF that I am fine on my own. I could find another boyfriend I just don’t want to right now. Yeah, I think he will come back too…I hope so at least
And yeah, I am thinking very short term. Kinda like with eating disorder mind too. That short term gratification and then you regret it.. I want him long term. I want to marry him and work it out and build a family with him. I want him right now also and I do think he is worth working on myself and taking the risk of him not coming back bc of how much I love him. I just hope he will..I feel like I just completely ruined my chances. Maybe I should give up bc I definitely blew it now. Does anyone still think I have a chance?
I plan on going complete bc for at least a month now. Maybe more. I just feel I ruined everything??I was so proud of myself and idk why I sent this to him
“I wanted to thank you. I’ve recognized & faced things I had fallen into. I realized that I needed to work on me and get myself together start loving myself. Accepting my defects & challenging them. I needed to learn I was capable of doing it, prove it to myself. I don’t know if i would have been able to come this far in recovery & also controlling emotions/reactions/texts without you calling me out like you did.”And like I meant every word of it.
Like I did need to be alone to realize I was capable. I’m angry at myself now.
Not going to sabotage anymore. Does anyone think I have a chance now or should I just wave goodbye to any hope of being with him ever again? 🙁
I know nc is what I need to do I also know I need to do it. I am so disappointed in myself. Like I failed nc again??? Well I will do a whole month before even considering contacting in the future if I even ever should.i feel I self sabotaged. No I didn’t do anything wrong but I did text him when I need to give him space.
I am sure he was expecting me to text him and I did. @finntoga I know you said sending him another would throw all my chances out the window . I guess I just did 🙁 I mean I will eventually find someone else. This was all my fault, I now have zero chance at all to get the love of my life back. I know we aren’t even ready at this point and I still wanted to thank him. I just wanted to. And now I just feel like I blew it. Well at least thankin him is a decent goodbye? 🙁 if anyone thinks I do still have a chance if I maintain strict NC and don’t call personal cell to see if it’s on and don’t check social media etcIs this salvageable at all or did I just ruin it completely?
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