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Hi @finntoga and @dragongirl
I will respond more thoroughly in a couple hours!
Do you both think it is hopeless and he does not want us to get back together ever? That’s the general vibe I got today. :/
I understand he does not want to speak at this moment.
However, why would he respond at all two days ago if he was trying to get over me… Like I feel he would have responded differently had he not wanted to hear from me again. Ignored me completely or told me to go away. Not try to upset frustrate and anger me. Is that accurate? I will try to not continue to obsess over his phone I just hope he does want me back. Is there a possibility he could see if I am working on my issues by not blowing up and not being clingy. I won’t be texting again as of now.
I haven’t today. I don’t want to appear clingy and needy.Did I ruin my chances? It felt like both of you think I did š
@finntoga.
Guess what? š I HAVE NOT CONTACTED HIM TODAY š Regardless of it being the worst last day of a job that I have other had. I guess I feel powerless when it comes to if I can get him back or not, if that makes sense. I feel like I have no control over that situation :/Yeah I do keep obsessing over the phone thing. I need to stop. I do know that he didn’t block me from his work iphone… pretty sure at least. š
And yeah I guess if he hasn’t paid his phone bill that’s his business, not mine. Maybe he will get it back and pay it, maybe he wont. I hope he does though. I do want to control my actions. I want to prove to myself and also to him that I will not blow up or keep texting him right now. I am quite sure he expects that to happen. I will not reinforce his decision to end our relationship which was because “I go crazy all the time” I want to prove to not only him but also MYSELF that I am not stuck in those insecurities and bad habits and I can beat the urges! :). Yeah you’re right. I keep wondering about him, ruminating, speculating, worrying. all of those things. I am glad I have been able to work on me through it and also I know focusing more on me can only help me š
Yeah, I am pretty sure he still has strong feelings for me and is in love with me. He is angry I think. I also think texting work cell may have mad him frustrated, angry and sometimes when he is angry he does things to frustrate me. So I did well by not responding as he respected. And yeah right now he may or may not even know what he wants? Is that accurate? He may still be frustrated and angry and thinking of some bad memories. And yeah, I really want that moment to come and I don’t want to blow it! I will try to control myself more š At least I’m learning to a little bit š
Thanks for all the ideas š I also really need to buy that journal. I think that in and of itself helps me. I also think this forum really helps me because I am able to process more and take a little more reign of my emotions.Yeah, I didn’t send another text. The fact I only sent 4 total including the first one he responded to makes me feel fairly good bc it shows me some progress of my own. I didn’t look at it that way at all. And blah I don’t wanna do more damage! But yeah, even if I WAS able to get him back that way it would just CONTINUE the unhealthy cycle! So I need to do this (nc) for all involved. Just wondering, though. How come you think it takes us both backwards? :/ I know I should not repeat the missing thing bc then I seem over available and needy. So I’m glad I just said it once (would have been better to say it zero times but one is the second best option)
I guess it’s hard to accept that he deep down doesn’t want me in his life as he seems to not have gotten over me at all… and the fact he responded…he did it to get a rise out of me, to frustrate hurt me anger me… he still made it all about me… And I know getting back a more calm ex is easier than getting back an angry one. Man. I should have waited 10 more days. That could have made the difference. Now we don’t even know.
Yeah, he also knew that receiving the “who is this” “i believe you have the wrong number” text would upset me. So I see what you are saying. I know right now the best thing for myself is to stay nc and stay focusing on me. It is really hard though because I also know that he is still in love with me :/ I don’t even know why I was so scared of that before… I should have had more faith in his love for me :/
Like maybe his heart is stopping him from moving on right now…we don’t know. And yeah, you’re right. He is not ready. He is still angry. Still dwelling on the negatives perhaps? And yeah, he broke up bc of my blowing up and intense emotions and not being able to self soothe very well… and at the very least even if we don’t get back together (i hate typing that phrase..i really do) at the very least he can see i was able to work on it after all.
I agree and disagree about the not respecting feelings. I do think I did not respect his feelings and I also think he did not respect mine. We both had a hard time seeing things from the other’s perspective and got too wrapped up in our own emotions to be mature about it. So I do agree I just think it was both of us too. And yeah, I guess I didn’t realize I wasn’t respecting his space or his feelings, etc bc all I wanted was him to communicate that to me, and he knew that all I needed to stay calm and respect those things was for him to communicate and neither of us made a permanent change so we hit a roadblock of “i’ll do it once you do” Immature.I actually have an iphone :/ I don’t think I can take the battery out! sometimes i give her my phone, though.. And yeah, I guess I need distractions. Right now I’m distracted by how horrible my day was. Worked their 1.5 years and the supervisor did not even organize a good bye party for me. I ended up crying to some fellow coworkers. Everyone was so ticked off though. My supervisor didnt seem to care at all. The senior supervisor said that since another girl was quitting 3 days after me they didn’t want to have a party for me and not for her bc they didn’t want her to feel slighted .. I guess they only have parties for employees that have been there over a year…she has not. I have. So instead of slighting her they slighted me instead. Cool. I mean why couldn’t they do one for me and I would have included the other girl since she is my FRIEND ugh :/
I also think that guy at work likes me…he asked for my number today… i also at some point said i looked young but doesn’t mean my supervisor an mistreat me and he said something about dashing young face (in reference to me) and that doesn’t make me a child.
But I don’t like that guy. He’s a great person and sweet funny easy to talk to BUT My heart is my ex’s at this moment.
And yeah, it is SO easy to ruminate. If you can’t tell I am a highly introverted person…meaning I get in my own head a lot. Also I am really really really sensitive. I have a huge heart. I am kind and compassionate and go the extra mile for people…however, my feelings are easily hurt. Not sure if that can be picked up from just a forum or not.And yeah, thats a good point. It’s just hard not to let any data from the past affect my thoughts at this time bc he has never been able to stay away from me…he would always come back. We will see what his heart decides I suppose. Earlier I thought you were implying I had no chance and now after reading again maybe you were just trying to prepare me for the alternative I don’t like?
I hope he is not done with me forever..he doesn’t seem like he does at this time AND thinking like that does not help me bc at this time we are not together. I just don’t think he would have responded the way he did if he was done forever…especially wanting to be friends…that seems like a ton of BS at this point bc his feelings are way too strong for that. I start a new job soon and hope that will help me focus. My job I just left was horrible. I don’t want to get over him though :/ Do you think I need to get over him????? š Like honestly, do you think I have any chance getting him back based on his response the other day? and yeah I have maintained NC today pretty proud of myself the first day and the first few after that are always hard for me.
As a guy I am sorry to say, as much as I am on your team I understand some of his frustration. I mean Finntoga has brought it up multiple times, for a while there you kinda “lit him up” so to speak. I mean I think when he talked about wanting to keep his work phone for work, hitting him up on that was a huge violation of trust for him. It was half about him trusting that you wouldn’t cross that boundary and half about respecting what he wished.
I think you are reading too much in his angry reply. I mean you should really take it at face value. His response “who is this” is angry sarcasm because you had been messaging him heavily. I think he sent it out of anguish and frustration nothing more nothing less.
If you truly want him back you have to give him the space. Think of it like an conveyor belt moving away from him. The faster you run on it on it toward him, the faster it’s gonna pull you away from him and it’s gonna tire you out. However conveyor belts are circular and once they go through their big long loop you end up at the same place you start. If you let the conveyor carry you back around to him you will get there faster and you won’t be tired and sweaty by the time you get another chance to go past him. The more you fight it at the beginning the longer it takes to go all the way back around. But you gotta go with the flow. Who knows, that “conveyor belt” may be shorter than you think.
(not the best analogy to try and picture but I think it works)
@Mr Anderson
Thanks for saying that. Do you think I still have a chance with him? And wow. I hadn’t thought of that. I know on break up day the email at work was the nail in the coffin… I know that upset him. I guess you are right that he said don’t use his means of communication to contact him. Why didn’t he block my number after I did? And just in case I wasn’t clear before, I had kept NC for 21 days so I don’t think he said “who is this? ” bc I had sent tons of messages …bc I hadn’t :/ Does that change your opinion at all. Well, the other day was the first day I contacted work cell, bc his normal phone is still off bc he hasn’t paid bill and I just really wanted to share that memory with him. Blah. Do you think I made my chances worse? I’m worried about if you think his angry text actually means no feelings when it seems everyone else thinks it mean that BUT does not mean he wants to get back together or is ready to talk at this point. Do you agree? And yeah, I know I need to respect his wishes and him mine. We both had issues w that as we are both hard headed and really emotional.AS far as the angry reply goes… you don’t think it implies he still has feelings for me? Also…i had not texted him 21 days… I hadn’t messaged him at all. I don’t know if you thought I did or not. But that was one text I sent and then he sent those reply. Isn’t anger a sign of strong emotion/feelings though? @finntoga and @dragongirl said he still has strong feelings And is still mad and I need to give him space. What do you think? Also give our past and how before this break up I would have sent 15 texts back, that is why finntoga dragongirl and I thought he did it to anger/hurt me as well. Does this make sense? Slash what are your thoughts.
I do want him back. Before you said give space and you think I have a chance and keep working on me and that would help me get him back. Do you still think that given this new information? Yeah. I gave him almost 21 days though :/ And yeah that analogy makes sense!
I guess I’m dwelling on wondering if you think he still has strong feelings…like I hadn’t contacted in 21 days and yes work cell prob made him frustrated… and he didn’t need to respond or he could have told me to go away.
Sorry I keep dwelling on the same thing. I’m really trying though :/
Omg. Apparently my ex viewed my linkedin.
So I will definitely remain silent. At least he is thinking of me.
@Brokenhearted good I am glad you have not texted him because 4 in two days was still lot too at this stage when he has made it clear he does not want you at the moment. He has feelings for you but like Dragongirl said this moment he does not want to be with you and you reverting to these actions shows you dont respect his feelings or wants at all. Yes he did not respect you either but that is not the point because you cannot change him but you can change you.And as long as you obsess about the amount of days you have given, what his thoughts are you are not moving forward to acceptance. Yes he still has feelings for you, No at the moment he does not want to be with you for the reasons Dragongirl gave you , will he be able to get past that we dont know. Do you have chance still yes but it depends on his ability to work through his issues and negative feelings and that is something you cannot impact except negatively if you contact him or check him out in social media and something we cannot give guarantees to you so that is why you need to accept the relationship for now is over and work on you. Once you are stronger then you are ready to find out where he is but you are not there yet. Because you have managed to curb some of the excesses it is progress but the thoughts and urgess are still there and that needs to go. You need to be in head space where you can live with both thought i.e him coming back to you and not and know that albeit the possibility of him not coming back makes you sad you will be fine. And that is not the spot where you are as long as you go on will he wont he, does he love, love me not, why is he angry at me. He is angry because you tried to control him and your relationship repeatedly, the obsessive contact showed lack of respect, trust and also made him feel suffocated. And that is what these 4 messages were about. You trying to exert your control and to prove to us and yourself you can get him back and it backfired. He did not respond as you thought so now leave it because you still mention only him and how you want him back what about what he wants? What if he does not want you back? What then? So yes there is still a chance but only if you now start concentrating on you and leave him be for now and also meaning start working on those thoughts. You have made progress and you should be proud of that but you are not yet at the aceptance of the relationship possibly being over nor in the acceptance of his feelings if they contradict what you want from him and your relationship. So work on those besides getting that OCD thing checked. I am glad you finally listed good things about you : ) About time. Also do not think about the workplace because it was not a good place for you and so if you did not have party, shows really poor management skills from your boss and that there is not very healthy work place environment there for employees so ignore it. She does it to others too so no point thinking about that it is over and you have new job coming. Keep up the good work.
@finntoga
Yeah! Me too! I also didn’t think of it that way so I’m glad you pointed it out š While better for myself it could still be viewed as a lot from someone who is angry with me. At least the ratio was 4:2 though. I feel a lot better today. I think seeing that he viewed my linkedin somewhat calmed me down (I have premium and I can see who views me and when) and he viewed me yesterday when I said nothing! So you guys are totally right/ have been the whole time. Just bc he’s not talking to me doesn’t mean he’s not thinking of me.Wow, you are also really completely right about the whole respect thing. Yes he didn’t respect me either AND I only need to worry about myself at this moment! I have made a lot of progress, though. And I’m proud about that. And I can only change me. And yeah, I need to stop obsessing so much and constantly having the situation on my mind especially the minor details. This forum definitely helps though.
Yeah you and Dragongirl are right. He may or may not be able to get past that. And I guess there are other guys in this world. Right now my heart just wants my ex though. At least he isn’t over me at all. So that makes me feel good.
Yeah, I guess I need to radically accept that right now, in this moment, we are not together. We are broken up. We are not talking. It just is so hard being “okay” with that. And I know that I need to accept that before any change at all can happen. And yeah, I am not there yet, you’re right. I am capable and I need to work on these obsessive thoughts and behaviors. I see my psychiatrist on 5/16. I am also a bit worried bc some of my medication will run out before that! :O I’ll talk to my therapist though I suppose. Yeah. The urges and thoughts are definitely still there. Wow I didn’t even think of this til now but I can view it kinda the same way as my eating disorder. First the behaviors decrease then the thoughts spike along w urges and then it’s about body image (in this case probably self worth and self esteem)
Yeah, I at this time have not accepted that he may never come back. I guess we will see. Yeah. Lack of trust. I know that bothered him. He just wanted me to trust him and I think that deep down he was hurt because he had never given me a reason to not trust him. HOWEVER one time like 5 months ago I ran across his yelp and it was weird bc it referred to going to dinner w a “wife” and also said his bro and his “wife” and I know his bro wasn’t married at the time my ex made that post… and I wanted to ask my ex about it bc i’m 90% sure when we were just friends I asked why he didn’t marry the mother of his child and he gave me a reason..why refer to her as wife then… smh idk i want to have that convo if we get back together and in a calm way.
Yeah I guess we don’t know what he wants except space at the moment haha. Thanks for the encouragement š I don’t think I’ve seen my progress I tend to only see my fallbacks and shortcomings :/ Yeah I def want to get the OCD thing checked. blah. so much is wrong w my brain! Haha I didnt even notice i was listing good things about me :p And yeah, it was a terrible place to work. some coworker friends got lunch w me. My supervisor was a complete jerk. I am so glad I am gone. She really mistreated me and I even spoke to the director and she seemed to take the supervisor’s side telling me she understands some frustration bc I was part time and caseworkers aren’t part time…etc I WAS COMING BACK FROM EATING DISORDER TREATMENT ISN’T MY MENTAL AND PHYSICAL WELL BEING MOST IMPORTANT? Shows they don’t care. Also they were apparently mad that when I gave my 2 weeks notice I was going to be gone some of that time and made a comment about professionalism -_-
I WAS GOING TO A PRE PLANNED FAMILY THING! And then they forced me to work full time when I wasn’t medically authorized.
Man. So glad I am gone.When I get any sort of indication that my ex has been looking over me during the break up it is usually very calming for me. In reference to your linkedin account. However the next day or so I usually start going crazy. I have a desire to break NC. Hopefully in that area you’re stronger than me.
I hate jobs like that. I think they just say things like that to tick you off because they know you’re getting out of that hole and you’re off to doing bigger and better things. I am happy you’re out of there too. You don’t deserve all the excess stress.
We know heās thinking about you. But we knew that long before he looked at your LinkedIn. Understand that the two of you were in a rollercoaster relationship-these relationships are intense, passionate and there is a lot of love in them. After being with you for years, itās impossible for him to get over you as easily as your anxieties make you think.
I said it took your efforts backwards because you contacted him when he specifically told you that he didnāt want further communication with you in the last e-mail. So you put yourself in square one when you sent him unwanted communication. Regardless of whether you give him several months of NC, your relationship had serious problems and a guy isnāt going to go back into that whirlwind of hellish drama without a lot of resistance. It sounded like your relationship didnāt have a solid foundation and was very dysfunctional. None of us know whether your ex will be able to overcome his negative feelings and be able to give it one more try. Sometimes there can be a lot of love between two people but one isnāt willing to overcome the problems. So in certain cases, love isnāt enough when only one person is willing to work hard on the relationship. Have you thought about your relationship skills? Have you read about what makes a great relationship? These are the things you should be focusing on not whether its day 21 or 22 or 23 of NC. The days donāt really matter to be honest with you. The work that you do on yourself does and will tip the scales in your favor.
Do you have a chance? Itās all completely unknown. There are too many factors to even begin to guess whether he will return. We donāt know whatās going on in his guy brain aside from the fact he doesnāt want to be in your life yet. Did the two of you have mutual friends? Did his friends or family like/dislike you? The important people in his life will also impact his decision in a way. They can be saying things either positive/negative that will also play into his decision. Another thing that will impact his decision is whether there are other girls that heās been talking to. You never know which girl decided to admit her feelings once he became single and we donāt know whether he met someone online. Emotional attachments can be easily created online that can progress into real-life dating. So we donāt know if he has become attached to another girl in the meantime..So many people are falling in love with each other online, itās crazy.I agree with Finntoga. You are definitely not even close to where contact is advisable. You obsess way too much on your past with him. Do you really think that you and your ex would make a great couple? Why? Do you think you have what it takes to survive long-term? The answer is no because you arenāt together thus both of you lack the necessary skills to make a relationship work the right way. Exactly like Finntoga said-You keep mentioning he did this or he did that..the only person you can control is yourself. See how you canāt control neither Finntoga or I? In the same way, you canāt control him. You obsessing over his phone is keeping you in a stuck position rather than moving forward.
Agreeing again with Finntogaās stellar advice-the days of NC donāt matter. You worrying what could have been at 30 days is pointless. The reason is because chances are very very high that it is much too soon for any contact between the two of you. If you send a guy a message telling him that you miss him and he doesnāt respond back in the same manner-then that clearly means he needs way more time. Itās great that you didnāt overwhelm him with messages but there is still so much more work to do. Forget about him. And yes I do think you do need to move on. Moving on means you accept the outcome either way. The reason Iām telling you this is because there is a very good chance this guy wonāt return because he knows that the two of you donāt work and get stuck in a vicious cycle even after multiple tries. What guy in his right mind would want to go back to that? Only time will tell if heās strong enough and wants to persevere to try again.
@dragongirl
I will respond more later when I’m at my computer and also respond to kpowers too.
I guess the main thing is what you said about another girl. I know my ex. I know he is not rebounding at this moment. I just wanted to clarify. We both can be immature and we both are unable to move on to other people until we have gotten over each other. So even though when you said that while it did give me some anxiety I know it’s not true. We just broke up. He’s having financial issues two jobs a child and doesn’t like using work phone as personal phone. There’s no way he is talking to anyone right now. That girl from work I think liked him and he had no interest. While sometimes immature he is not one to rebound and act rashly in that way. So I want to ask that you please not say that again because it is really unlikely at this point… And it kind of makes me anxious and puts doubts in my mind when I know he is not seeing someone else.
As far as our base goes. We had a really strong base in friendship. So that’s why we have stayed with each other so long. But when we started a relationship it started out wrong and everything went awry.I guess both of us need to believe it can work. We had tried twice and both of us had too many issues at that time to try with anyone, let alone someone else with issues!
And I haven’t contacted today either continuing to work on myself š
@kpowers1192 thanks for the comment š yeah that job was horrible and they clearly did not care about me and worst thing is I worked in social services!!!! š and yeah I feel calm right now and I’m hoping that I’m able to control contacting him tomorrow and today! I just feel good that now he is actively looking at me.Ohhh also he never told me he didn’t want communication with me. He just didn’t want me to communicate via work (and I did that whoops)
The other girl comment is still upsetting me bc I know by all the unhealthy snooping I did (and I stopped) and by how well I know him that it’s not true. I understand you want me to see all angles but that one at this time is not a possibility and actually makes me more worried and anxious. I’m working on it I just wanted to let you know how I felt with that one š
I’m lucky bc we are both not the rebound type we both are a bit like obsessive which the other which isn’t always healthy and at least it means no rebounds@Borkenhearted So if you know it is not true why are you letting it upset you? Besides read it again with thought what Dragongirl said, she was giving you examples of what can happen not what she thinks is happening to get you to accept all possible scenarios no matter how painful, scary etc they are. Because. Also this is part of the lesson you need to learn if you know something truly in your heart then what other people say to you should not affect you like that colleague at work or your ex so if you truly trust him then you are right . If it upsets you and makes you doubt yourself then you dont trust your own heart or have confidence in your own opinions. Why I keep talking about accepting these things even though he is not seeing someone now is my own experiences. Because my friends said that to me why do you still have him, he does not deserve it blaah blaah but you know what it does not upset because I know my heart and I know I love him and I know him as person and he is great person not perfect but the kind I like. Now does he love me anymore, will he ever come back to me? I dont know but I am sitting here spending my valuable time thinking about that at all, I am here living my life and if he comes back someday then I review situation again until then I continue living fulfilling life as happy as I can without him.
Being obsessive is never healthy and you saying it is not always healthy there no time when being obsessive is a good thing in relationships. Why I talked about accepting for now that it is over between you two is not to hurt you but to make you realize that as long as you obsess over getting back together and getting him back instead of working the negatives that you bring to relationship, on your self esteem and those negative thoughts you are not working on the right things. As long as you insistently going on about I want him, I love him you hinder your progress accepting that it is over and concentrating fully in your improvements and making your life as good as you can . It does not mean you need to stop loving him, missing him at this second nor does it mean you give up hope on some day ending up back together but right now there is no chance in hell that it would work because neither of you is nowhere near being ready to work on this relationship when you have not work on yourselves and I know that is not what you want to hear but as someone who has been where you are feelings wise I know what I am talking about. I like you am very sensitive but sometimes we need to learn not to take everything to our heart. Like now you say that Dragongirls words caused you anxiety but only happens because you let it. It is good to listen to advice and I think myself and dragongirl have showed you that due to us being older and our experience we kind of know what we are talking about most times but you ask advice from everyone which is fine because it is good you are talking about but taking every single thing people say to your heart and then working yourself into anxiety is your doing to yourself and that is what you can control by using your clever mind as a filter and listening to yourself. I am really glad I have seem some sense in your postings today because it sounds you are getting the gist what we are saying to you and starting to apply it to work on those things that meant your relationship from your part had no chance. Now him, he needs lots of time and I agree pretty much eerything Dragongirl said above because all that I had to accept too : ). And it sucked but now I feel great it has been five months and I am okay I never thought that couple months ago. And yes my heart still hopes he comes to his senses and comes back but if not life will bring me in time something else.No one is telling you to move on to another guy at this point learning to be by yourself is the best thing for you and learning to deal with your issues will make you a strong and beautiful person. You are beautiful person now but you also want to be strong, independent and that is the road ahead for you. If he wants to work on the issues on his side and can get over the craziness then he will come back but spending day in day out thinking about it aint gonna make it happen but keep the Linkedin updated with a great, professional glowing profile photo. Same with instagram if he sees you are living your life that will also intrigue him because he is checking you out because he cares but just is not ready. That is my input gotta hit books again, I had exam today and another tomorrow so my olympics go on.
Brokenhearted,
Once again, Iām in full agreement with Finntoga because she rocks at giving advice! The goal was not to cause you more anxiety. I want you to see the worst-case scenario and understand-FULLY UNDERSTAND that no matter what-YOU WILL BE OKAY. You will still be the incredible sensitive person with the big heart that you have always been. With even better, stronger qualities because you went through such a gut-wrenching experience.
You canāt control what your ex does after a breakup. Just like he canāt control what you do. You have no idea what life will throw your way or his way. As difficult as it is to do, you have to relinquish control of your exās life. Even in your mind. Once you give up control, you will feel a sense of liberation. Itās a bitch to process. I know-Iāve gone through breakups just like you. But you will get there Brokenhearted. We have faith in you damnit!!
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