Have to keep fighting

I could really do with some advice to do with my situation. I have read some others but can’t find anything that relates…
My ex and I were together for 18 months, I moved into his flat after about a month or so as it was around the corner from my work rather than over an hour from my family home. Things were great, we fell madly in love, meet each others friend and family. He is from South America so only had a small chance of meeting his family when they visited in the summer, but it was amazing!
We went away and had such a lovely daily routine for day to day life.

Yes we argued a lot of such stupid little things, really quite pathetic looking back at it! But over the last 6 months he seemed to think it increased and always felt like he was treading on egg shells with me. I know I can be moody and a crazy opinionated at times, but he also has his right to be the same way. He truely believes that couples should never argue and that if they do like we did then we are not compatable for each other- ridiculous really! I hate arguing yes like anyone, but it will happen of course it will, we are only human!

He also gets so stressed out with work that it takes over a lot of his life. I am happy to deal with this and was there to support him when he needed. I understood how crazy and high pressured his job was. He also has the extra pressure of needing a Visa to like in the UK and so he can’t really do much if he isn’t enjoying the role or always worried he could be layed off ( not that they every would, he is amazing at his job, and I kept telling him this!) Me being from the UK… we would always joke about getting married so he wouldn’t have to worry…we did talk alot about the future and our plans together too.

The last month before the break up the arguing was every weekend yes. But this was because during the week we were so tried and had busy life it would just build up to then. He is 10 years older than me (35), and this has never been any issue at all. Over the last few months as well we were starting to look at somewhere bigger so we would have more space etc and I could properly move more of my stuff in. He was keen like me, even though is quite up and down with his mood and opions about things. One day he would be into it and the other not so much!? He was like this with alot of things…

Then we were on our way to meet a friend of mine for dinner and on the way we had a silly argument about something so stupid. It led to him saying he wanted a break, to spend some time apart. So the next day I took some of my stuff and went back home. We didn’t set a time limit on it and both just let ourselves see what we felt. It broke my heart and I was so upset and down about it. After the initial heartache, which he felt also it was starting to feel as though it was needed and he was right. I didn’t disagree that we didn’t need it but just couldn’t see it clearly at the time.

Now we spoke every day, just casual ‘hi, how are you,’ nothing more than that really, but the contact was still there.
After just over a week we meet up at the flat and spoke about things, ‘he generally was just still confused about everything. In short he thinks that not everyone is comptable ( including us), he is trying to save my feelings in the long run as he knows what he is like, the aruging isn’t acceptable, he may not be ready to commit and is just not sure why about any of it. It was all very vague and you could see he didn’t really believe in what he was saying.
We went on a dinner date that week, his idea, it was lovely, like a first date again! Then the following week I went around, he cooked, we watched a movie, cuddled, like old times. I stayed the night, but we over all this time was not intimate in that way.

We would be messaging and speaking every day and we arranged to see each other the next week. I was away at the weekend and he called me on Sunday after not hearing much from him, I could tell something was up.
He called me and basically said it was over. He said it was all him, I asked for a reason and he couldn’t give me one. He was so nice about and I couldn’t have got angry even if I had tried. He keep saying it will be fine and I was the most important thing and that I was ok, and not to worry about him, just to sort out myself. It was all so general and cliched, I could tell he even didn’t believe what he was saying, like before. I was heatbroken obviously and couldn’t even get words out.

We knew we both loved each other and should be together but he was just too scared about taking the risk and it being not efficient way of spending his time. Now he works in computers/ code/ high end security etc. He treats life just like a computer. If its not working easily and straight forward, delete it. If things arn’t black and white then they are not good and a waste of time and effort. I feel sorry for him that he sees life that way and more importantly would want too lose us over it.

I kept telling him how differently I see things and how many options we had to work at things, but he sees it as he has already tried and that he can’t give anymore in case it doesn’t work. I know there is always this risk too, I’m aware that is the case. But this isn’t over you can tell, not over this stuff!

Anyway, I moved all my stuff out a week later and we talked every otehr day, just checking in on each other etc. When I moved my stuff out he was there. It was so normal, we were laughing, making jokes over my stuff, catching up about things, family/friends etc. Had a cup of tea and it was just so normal and like he was about to snap out of it or wanted to at least but not go back on his word. We didn’t discuss anything about the break up, no begging from me or anything about feelings etc. It was only until I left he cried and then me and was very sad and got to both of us.

I was then away on holiday ( great timing) and told him I had no contact on my phone. This was after leaving him a letter under the mattress of the bed for him to read while I was away. It wasn’t anything emotional, me just saying my peace to him so at least I had it off my chest. When I came back all I had from him was ‘ Hi, I got your message have a great time.’
Thats it! Not that I knew what to expect anyway!?
I had t call him a couple of days ago as we had to arrange some bill/ flat stuff to move into his name. But again, it was lovely we caught up, he asked about my holiday, family etc. We were joking about other things going on and having a great time just like before. Again no talk of the break up or the letter!

I am really trying to work out what my next steps are. I love him more than anything and even though I am trying with all my strength and will to move on and start to deal with it I can’t. I want to still fight for him. Show him I am there for him and that what he is trying to save me from is my choice to make not his. I don’t know if I am just being optimistic but I feel from the way he is acting and has acted he does too but just is too scared or confused.
I am not sure what to do next or if there is any chance of getting back together? Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated and suggestions on how to get this amazing man back in my life….

Oh and I have started no contact. It’s been almost two weeks since we spoke on the phone arranging things after moving out. It made it worse as we were laughing and joking, catching up after my holiday….I’m trying to continue but don’t know when and for how long.

Thanks and apologies for the lengthy explanation!! xx