October 20, 2020 at 5:05 am #115566
I am in my 30s and I was going out with a girl who is also in her 30s but a few years younger for about 9 months, or almost a year if you include the meltdown period that she has been going through for the last few months now, which I will explain more below. She is smart, hardworking, sweet, very very pretty, funny, and we were very happy together.
Basically we met around this time last year at a party, immediately liked each other and arranged some dates, and started having a lot of fun together. Drinks, movies, nice dinners, walking her dog, great conversations, holidays, jazz bars… stuff like that.
We had a lot of chemistry and were very attracted to each other mentally, emotionally, physically.
She used to be happy and cheerful and seemed passionate about me and her career, even though it is very time consuming. She said she liked doing it though, so she was doing what she wanted to be doing.
She wanted to share her car, we had trips to other countries planned, we spent all the holidays together… We were having a really great time basically. It felt very romantic.
Then COVID-19 came and put some strain on things. For example, both of our apartment complexes didn’t allow guests a lot this year. Her long hours didn’t help also. But we found a way to be flexible and make things work until recently. The trips we had planned obviously got cancelled also.
Then sometime this summer she started acting like a different person. She was no longer the cheerful girl that I love. She seemed to have a bad mood and be more withdrawn, we didn’t go out as much, etc etc.
I also noticed some weird photos on social media of some guy walking her dog with her or something like that. I think he’s an old boyfriend or something, but I don’t know too much about him. We never got to know each other’s friends much, mostly because of her schedule, but he seems to be part of her social group or something. I didn’t like it and confronted her about it at one point, and she said, “He’s my friend.” I don’t know much about the situation other than that.
She finally explained that a close family member has a serious disease and is dying right now, she seems to be burning out at work maybe and her workload may be getting to her even though she used to love her job, and she even told me that she thinks she’s wasting her life.
She also started lashing out at me for no reason one day, even though I’ve been very nice and very supportive of her. We were very happy together and had a great relationship and then she more or less ruined it overnight. She made vague complaints about our sex life, but as I mentioned, our complexes made it hard to see each other sometimes, so that’s not really my fault. Basically she seems to be having a lot of personal problems right now and giving up on life or something.
She ultimately ghosted out for a few weeks. She stopped contacting me and wasn’t even at her apartment. This was the no contact period basically. She seemed to be taking me on a rollercoaster ride out of nowhere, and I felt very sad.
I did lose some weight and have exercised a lot more lately, I saw other friends, I have gone out on some dates with other women lately, my mood recovered somewhat, etc. So I did everything that I was supposed to do during this period basically.
I knew she was probably in her hometown, because she goes down there sometimes. It’s only about an hour away, but I don’t know her address there. I have been there several times before in the past, but we have never been there together, mostly because of her work schedule and COVID-19 and stuff.
So anyway, she finally surfaces one day and told me that she moved back down there for now. I’m pretty sure she moved home with her mom for now. Our conversations haven’t been great lately, but at least we were talking again. We never really had any problems before until she started acting weird this summer. She’s been downplaying our relationship and stuff like that, even though we had a great time, and it was very romantic.
Then yesterday I noticed that she deleted me on the main social media platform that we use to communicate. She’s done it once or twice before also and later refriended me. It’s just a deletion, not a block, but it’s not a good sign really. We can still send short messages and friend requests and stuff right now.
My goal was to gradually get back on track with her and then visit her in her hometown. There’s some historical stuff there, and it’s kind of fun to walk around downtown and stuff. I wanted to get some pizza and check out the old buildings and so on.
Basically this has been very disappointing for me. I didn’t really do anything wrong, and I basically got blindsided.
I feel like the COVID-19 pandemic sort of ruined our relationship. She had some problems on top of that that I discussed, but it would have been easier to spend more time together if the virus didn’t make some restrictions for us and so on.
So anyway, I don’t really know what to do now. Maybe let things cool down for a couple weeks again and try to send some short messages and upgrade back to regular friend status on that app maybe.
I feel drained and disappointed, and it’s not the same when I go out with other women lately. They aren’t nearly as fun or good looking, and the chemistry just isn’t there usually.
The app I mentioned is the main way that we communicate, and I don’t have her address in her hometown, so I don’t know what else to do. I have felt like I’m in some weird movie or something sometimes. It just isn’t fair.
This is getting a little long, so maybe I’ll just stop here for now. I have described everything pretty accurately. If anyone has any ideas or knows what to do or has gone through something similar, I would leave to hear your thoughts. Thanks.October 20, 2020 at 8:03 am #115571
@accakappa You say the relationship was about a year, yet the last approx 3 months is when she had the meltdown. Therefore you apparently went out on dates rather recently and I wonder why? If you loved her, why would you even care about dating others? Wouldn’t your focus be on trying to find out the reasons she was avoiding you and try to resolve any problems?
You say she deleted you as a friend on social media more than once.. so it sounds like the relationship was rocky. Before her so-called ‘meltdown’, did she ever calmly discuss any issues she was had with you as a boyfriend? If so, what exactly??
Exactly what were her complaints about the sex life??
Did she say she wanted to break up with you, take a break or what??
You mention maybe letting things cool down.. what things? And why would you say that?
Don’t you have her email address or a phone number?
Sorry for all the questions, but I can’t seem to get a clear understanding of the situation because you have been rather vague..October 20, 2020 at 10:22 pm #115572
Well, I don’t really know what more to say. We’re not in the US if that helps. Things have been stricter here as far as COVID-19 regulations go etc.
We had a great relationship for about 9 months, and then about 3 months ago, she woke up and started acting like a different person. She used to be cheerful and passionate about me and her career and stuff, but all of a sudden she was unstable, withdrawn, etc etc and eventually moved back down to her hometown.
She seems to just be burning out with her work even though she used to love it, she’s reacting badly to a family member dying, she is the partial owner of a side business that had some problems this year because of the virus but it seems to be doing a little better now, etc etc. I tried to be nice, but it seems like she’s making a mountain out of a molehill. That’s all just normal stuff that happens in life sometimes, and we’re all having a hard year because of COVID-19 etc.
No no, anything bad I mentioned was within the last 3 months. That includes deleting me on social media and adding me back and now deleting me again… All of that kind of stuff.
Yes, I went out on some dates recently. Well, this website tells you to for one thing. I also mentioned that she seems to be walking her dog with an old boyfriend?! Who knows what else they might be doing. I don’t know what’s going on on that front exactly. She seems to want some space, and neither of us contacted each other for a while. So of course I have a right to go out on some dates if she’s going to do stuff like that and is in a different location right now. I did my best with her, but she just isn’t communicating well lately, and she’s lashing out at me, and we’re not even in the same city right now. The dates haven’t been that much fun for the most part though.
We were talking more again lately, but then she deleted me on the main platform we use again. So I don’t know what to do. According to this site, I’m supposed to wait at least 2 weeks or so to do anything.
I would love to go down and visit her in her hometown, walk around in the historical area that I mentioned, check on her, try to cheer her up a little, etc.
She’s basically imploding right now and ruining our relationship, which has been very hard for me the past few months.October 21, 2020 at 2:53 pm #115574
@accakappa Do you have her phone number or email address???
Ask her if she would agree to you visiting her sometime.
Sounds like she’s very depressed about her life and also about the family member who is dying. Of course COVID-19 has had adverse effects on many people.. Yes, this site recommends about a month of no contact after a breakup or difficulty in a relationship before connecting again.
She seems to want some space, and neither of us contacted each other for a while. So of course I have a right to go out on some dates if she’s going to do stuff like that and is in a different location right now.
Most people who date others soon after a breakup or having problems in a relationship find it only makes them sad as they can only think of their ex. while out on the dates. And if you two are still in a relationship, that would be cheating. You’re confused about her Facebook post of the other guy and you don’t seem to know exactly why she’s avoiding you. So I suggest you wait until she contacts you and then ask about visiting. Or if you don’t have an email or phone number, wait about 2 weeks to a month and then send a quick message on Facebook asking to visit..October 22, 2020 at 6:51 am #115575
In the country I am in, almost everyone uses a certain social media app, and she deleted me from it recently (for the second time). No one really uses the phone here anymore. It still lets you send short messages and friend requests right now.
Any potential cheating is coming from her. I mentioned some ex boyfriend guy (?!) a couple times now.
Let’s go through the timeline one more time.
-We had a great relationship from about November 2019 – July 2020, so about 9 months. It was very fun and romantic. I mostly explained it in my first post.
-She woke up one day and started acting weird around late July/early August, or actually probably before that, but that’s really when it started to be a problem. She lashed out at me even though I didn’t really do anything wrong, and deleted me for the first time on the main app people use to communicate here.
-We had no contact for all of August and about half of September.
-Then we talked again in late September/early October, and she told me that she moved back to her hometown about an hour south of here. She wasn’t being terribly nice, but it was good to talk to her again. She ended up deleting me again. I may have sent too many messages. Maybe I should have taken it a little slower. I was trying to address the things she was saying though. She is basically making up nonsense and trying to justify her behavior, such as disappearing, moving back, lashing out at me, downplaying our relationship, etc.
I don’t have an easy way to get a hold of her right now. It’s really disappointing because we were building up a nice life together this past year or so. We were saving up money, starting to share her car, planning trips together, had a bunch of really romantic dates, etc etc. The chemistry was very good, and we were connecting really well.
I do have her Facebook (that’s not what people use here) but she rarely gets on. I sent her a nice, medium-length message on it a while back.
I don’t really know what to do at the moment other than to wait a couple more weeks maybe again now, then try to send some messages through the main app that people use here, add her back, and that kind of stuff.
Does anyone know what to do? You are right that she seems depressed, is reacting badly to the dying family member, etc etc. She’s basically ruining our relationship, taking me on a rollercoaster ride, etc etc. It’s not fair because things were going very well and we were having a really good time together until recently.October 31, 2020 at 6:30 am #115598
@accakappa Yeah, the picture of the guy walking her dog might be an old boyfriend or maybe not. The main thing to remember is to NEVER act jealous. Yes, your idea of waiting a couple of weeks or even more and then try to a message via whatever app you use seems okay. You could ask if she’s willing to meet you for a visit in her hometown..
The day you wrote the last post was last Friday, so maybe you sent something already? Depression can damage the way people interact with others and if her case seems to be severe, maybe you could suggest she seek professional psychological therapy.
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