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Nick,
I had found out through a mutual friend that my ex had recently starting seeing someone casually about a month ago so after one too many glasses of wine I called and asked if it were true. He told me he had just starting seeing someone casually but it wasn’t exclusively and he didn’t have any real feelings yet which is why he didn’t tell me and that if it got serious I would hear it from him. The primary reason for our break up is because he thought we both needed to date other people so we could have something to compare our relationship to since our expwrience is only with each other. So he told me this is the first girl he’s “dated” since the break up and that it doesn’t change anything because he told me this is why we broke up and I knew it would happen and that I should be happy he’s making progress because at least he’ll be able to tell with time if he was happier with me or with someone else so we can determine whether or not this “time apart” is permanent. He told me he hasn’t been initiating conversation much because he wants to allow me my space to move on if that’s what I need to do. But then he suggested that if we haven’t spoken before he would call me on my birthday and we can touch base and see how we’re both feeling about everything. He also told me he’s happy talking to me whenever about the relationship or just catching up if I want to but I told him not right now. so that’s kind of how we got to that reassessment point. Im not sure whether or not we will actually sit down and have a conversation then but our break up has been so open ended that at some point im going to need to if for nothing more than closure. But I will see how he initiates then and go from there based on how he acts and how im feelig.Patrick,
Im really happy for you! Seems like you’ve made so much progress since the breakup and im excited for you that your ex wants to see it. I commend you for not stressing about her seeing someone. It’s not easy but sometimes it’s a good thing because your ex will realize she can’t replace you. It also can’t be all that serious if she’s agreed to see you for drinks – im sure that wouldn’t make the new guy happy! You seem confident and secure and I really hope tonight goes well for you!I think part of the problem in our relationship was the fact that we were together so long that it started feeling more like an obligation to be with each other and not wanting to be together. I know I truly care about her otherwise I wouldnt care at this point. Im going to go back into NC (though it is still hard with my living situation). No more notes, no more snooping around, no more gifts. I have no idea when the right time would be to reach out or if I should just wait for her to reach out? I have accepted that the old relationship we had is completely dead. I wouldnt have given the ring back had I felt any other way.
I am learning to love myself and take care of myself. I have been working out, learned guitar, volunteered at a camp last weekend with kids, studying a ton, and I have made a bunch of new friends in the process. I am trying to be less introverted which is a huge step for me.
I have no idea what the future holds. I feel like she still does care about me. Im not sure to what extent at this point, but right now it really doesnt matter does it? I know I deserve better than she gave me at the end of our relationship and for now and the foreseeable future I dont know if that will change.
atea,
I find it very odd that he is telling you all that stuff about that being the first girl he dated and stuff like that. In my situation she is trying to completely hide the new guy from my sight whatsoever. I dont know if that is for her sake or for mine or why. I know she is going places with him and sometimes other people but she always says the other peoples names but not his. I will be very interested in hearing what happens after your birthday!Patrick,
It seems like you have come a long ways and gotten out of some bad habits and turned a new page for your life. You sound like you are doing really well! Are you even wanting to get back together with your ex? I have times where I could see it happening, but then others of I dont care at all and others where I just dont have any hope that it could happen.Nick,
he didn’t want me to know anything about it actually! he had gone out with her with a group of friends one weekend and one of my mutual friends told me he brought a girl with him. i called him out of the blue after we hadn’t spoken for 3 weeks and flat out asked. he didn’t divulge any information (no name, how they met, etc.) just told me yes he was seeing someone casually and no it doesnt change anything. theres no way he would’ve told me out of the blue.
its interesting about what you said about being together out of obligation. my ex said something similar. we were together 7 years and he told me he couldn’t be sure anymore if we were together out of comfort or genuine desire to be together. he said he hoped taking this time would help us have the answer – that either we would both move on and be happy or realize we really are happiest together.
don’t plan on whether or not you will break nc or wait for her. i think a few months of nc is what both of you need right now anyway so you’ll re evaluate at a further point in time if you want to reach out or not. i also feel the same way – there are times i can’t imagine going back to my ex anymore but other times it seems not real to think we will never be together again. i really don’t know how the situation will play out, we all just need to wait and see what happens in the future!Im feeling kinda lonely right now. Wednesdays are bad days for me. I only have one class and I really dont have anyone to talk to. I still play my guitar and stuff but every Wednesday I just feel like I miss being with her a ton.
I know I need to try and fill up the time but I usually just have homework and stuff to do and like I said, I am just very lonely.
Hey @nick1234 I read your story on the other page and you’ve got a lot of similarities to my situation right now, and seeing as you’re a month ahead of me in the process I was wondering if you have any advice?
My ex and I were together for 5 years (age 15-20 for me). She is two years ahead in school. She went off to college while I was still in high school and we made it work perfectly for 2 years long distance. I never lived with her here in college, but I stayed with her or she stayed with me every night. She was my best friend. Then she broke up with me last week and has already kissed another guy. I can’t eat or sleep at night because (like you said) I wake up from dreams with her like every hour of the night. You got any advice, man?
Hey Ryan, honestly when it comes back to getting back together with her, I am just as clueless as you are. If you truly love her it will take a long time for the pain to go away. Even though I want to move on completely, I know that a piece of me is still with her. I have completely cut her out of my life even though I am about 5 feet from her right now. It sucks. I wont lie. Its not easy.
You need to find the people in your life that truly love you and care about you and talk to them and talk to the people on here including myself. Everyone on here is willing to either give you the straight up truth or just advice.
If you can (i know it is hard) do not compare yourself to the other guy. I know I have a hard time not doing that. You have to eat man just because she hurt you it doesnt mean you have to hurt yourself. Do everything in your power to love you right now. Go NC if you havent already. Start working out, get involved with some activities outside of school.
I can not help you get your ex back unfortunately, but I feel your pain man. Every day I feel it just as much as you do. I dont even know what I want at this point. Talk to me though. I will try and help you through whatevver it is on a day to day basis. Ive been there.
You should just do one long vent on here and just let everything you are feeling out. I know we are guys and its hard. Do it. It helps.
Doesn’t it suck being a guy going through this? It’s hard to open up to my guy friends because I don’t feel comfortable crying in front of them, and it’s still hard for me to not cry when talking about the situation haha. So yeah this website helps talking to other people who know exactly how you feel. I know the website is all about getting your ex back, but it’s really helpful for figuring out how to love yourself and manage how to be on your own before even thinking about getting back with your ex.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through man. Knowing she’s five feet away and you used to be best friends god i thought being on the same campus with my ex was hard!
So lemme give you the low down for today, if you don’t mind. So today was her birthday and conveniently our 5-year anniversary (or at least it would have been). I had been on 5 days NC but I felt like I would have regretted not wishing her a happy bday. So I did, in a fun text. She responded and said this day has been really hard for her and she misses me. So I of course got false hope and wrote up a super lengthy, emotional email about us and sent it to her in hopes of getting her back. As you can guess, it didn’t change her mind (as it shouldn’t have). She said it was thoughtful and sweet but she doesn’t think were meant to be right now. Idk what I was thinking when I decided to send it it’s kind of pathetic to think about now really. So I’m back to NC now.
I’m gonna try to eat properly and start going back to the gym again after a two-week break from working out. I’m not sure what I want either right now. I miss her severely, but I think I’m starting to see the positives of this breakup.
Enough about me, tell me what’s going on with you man.
Haha well as you can see I came across that letter which she still hasnt given to me. I think that she thinks I am EXTREMELY ticked off haha I havent talked to her or even seen her in the past few days for sure. Honestly it would be 100x easier if I didnt hear or see her everyday. I dont even have to see her though. All I have to see is her shadow walking past under my door for it to hurt. I hear it all, Ive seen things I wish were not true. Right now I am very confused. I am at the point where I dont want to be with her or talk to her but at the same time I love her unconditionally and that will never change. I am trying to do some new things like learn photography and I am very busy with my engineering classes and everything but even through all of that somehow I manage to feel lonely.
Whenever her and I talk, we have good conversations. I have no doubt that if her and I were to sit down tomorrow for a period of time where neither of us had to be somewhere else we would sit there and talk for hours. However, she is also a very busy person and has let someone else in her life for now. Women always seem to have a guy waiting in the wings before they end a relationship. They fear being alone so much. However, it feels like they dont even consider the fact that we dont want to be alone either but they have forced us to be in a position that they themselves are not willing to be in.
I completely revolved my life around her. I hardly had any friends. If you have many friends, I suggest being with them as much as possible. Try to get your mind off of it. I know all you want to do though is talk about your situation. Ive been there. Still am at times. Other times I want to completely forget I was ever with her.
As for you saying happy birthday and writing that letter, whatever. You cant undo it. Its already done. Go NC now. Dont look back at if it was the right thing to do or not. Become a better you. whatever you have to do to get there, do it. Make her realize that you are the person she fell in love with 5 years ago. It was very hard for me not to tell her happy valentines day and knowing that she had someone else to spend it with while I was alone. But I made it past that. Our 5 years would be coming up in May.
Damn man you’re a strong guy for being able to handle seeing her or hearing her with another guy. That’s really good. It is really weird how we still love them unconditionally, but even I’m starting to feel like I don’t want to talk to her anymore because it only hurts. Weird how love works and grows differently.
It does seem like girls have a second option waiting for them right after they end things with their boyfriends. My ex isn’t dating this guy, but I let my imagination run wild and imagine she’s with him every night and he replaced me. I know it’s not true, and even if it were I would have to accept it for what it is and move on with my own life.
YES my girlfriend took up so much of my life my relationship with my guy friends was seriously hindered. So my support system here at college isn’t great, but I went home last weekend (2 hours away) and spent time with my family which was great.
I think the loneliness is the worst part of my breakup. She was my everything and who I went to with all my stress and problems, and I was for her too. I would like to think I’m just lonely and I don’t want her, but in reality I think I’m still in love with her. Hopefully I either fall out of that love or we end up together down the line. Time will tell.
Hopefully by the time of your 5-year things will be different than they are now. Hopefully you’re either not missing her anymore or you guys figured your stuff out. either way that’s a long ways away and you’ve got so much time to become the best you.
I wonder when she will give you that note? It’s very sweet and definitely meant she still thinks and cares about you. I wish my ex would show me something that would remind me she still thinks about me because it’s just been a one-way street in that department.
Separate note, engineering classes? What kind of engineering?
Electrical Engineering! The best kind!
As for the note, it does seem sweet and everything. The real question is if it actually means anything at all. To me it just feels like words. She has been very distant and honestly seems to not care. I am curious if I will ever get that note. It kinda feels like she just forgot about it just like she seems to have forgotten I exist. Actions speak louder than words and her actions do not match the words.
She does notice everything though that I do. Like she noticed my haircut and that I have lost weight and that I am doing things for me for once in my life and that I helped out at a childrens camp over the weekend ( I was wearing a name tag from it and she was curious about it). I think she is still wearing the ring I got her too. I have not seen her, but I have a gut feeling.
By the way, you will not fall out of love with this girl for a while. It wasnt your choice to end it and your feelings for her are still there. TRUST me on that one.
Man you basically said it right there. She still does care about you and think about you! If she’s noticing all those things and especially if she’s still wearing the ring. I think she’s definitely just waiting for the right moment to give you it. When her head is clear. I think girls just come off as distant and not seeming to care when they are going through a breakup. They’re just trying to figure their stuff out.
Yeah I figured that would be the case. I’ll love her forever. I’m just now starting to actually be able to step back and realize that we had to be apart at the moment. It was the hardest thing looking at her and knowing she wasn’t in love with me anymore. You can tell by the look in their eye. It’s gut-wrenching to even think about. It’s like I’ve lost my best friend. One day I’ll either be able to rekindle it with her or find another girl that will be capable of loving me in the same way.
No, if you find another girl, find one that loves you more. If it ends up being your ex then thats great! I dont think she is going to give it back. I told her that I didnt want it back. She also said she was going to keep mine in the note (im not sure if she meant the one I gave her or the one she gave me) because it is a good reminder of what is important… Thats so confusing to me. A ring that symbolizes our relationship is so important to her that she is going to keep it even though she broke my heart? I could be reading it wrong? Im not sure haha.
ryan and nick,
i just want to compliment you both on how well you seem to be handling your situations. personally, i think losing your first love is the absolute worst break up to go through. my situation is so similar. my ex and i dated for 7 years (from when i was 15-22, and he was 16-23) and as corny as it sounds i was so in love with him up until the very end. i never lost attraction, never felt bored. i think after all that time i was still in the honeymoon stage! there wasn’t a doubt in my mind we would get married. when he broke up with me in september i was SHOCKED and devastated. his reasoning was just that he felt we had lost that “spark” and that it was his fault because he had been having “what if” doubts and was scared about settling down and marrying me having never dated any other girls. he told me he hoped this break up would confirm his doubts that he wanted to be with me but didn’t want me to wait around and couldn’t give me a timeframe.well ryan, i just want you to know that the way your feeling now – the first two weeks were absolute misery. i didnt eat and didn’t sleep. my mind literally didn’t think about one other thing for the entire first weeks. i sent love letters, texts, called crying, i even begged. he was sweet and polite but wouldn’t budge. it does get better though. i would say it took around 4 months for me to feel kind of back to myself. I’m about 5 months out now and it really does get better. i eat and sleep normally, can concentrate on school (I’m a masters student), and enjoy hanging out with my friends. i feel essentially back to myself even though i do miss him.
i think the hardest part of the break up that we are all going through is losing a best friend. also the break ups all tended to be kind of out of the blue and i think all our exes just wondered what else is out there. these kinds of break ups are the most open ended because theres not necessarily anything to “resolve”. the best we can do is focus on ourselves and let time pass to see what happens in the future.
you both sound so mature about it all. so many people come across on these boards as hysterical, needy, and desperate for answers. but there are no answers! I’m a big fan of coming on here to vent and i also enjoy reading other peoples stories and giving advice – so i know I’m not the only one. you both have such great outlooks that theres not much to do now but focus on yourselves and heal. its really the truth. even if you are to reconcile down the road, you need to heal first and it takes time. a lot of time.
nick, i really can’t even imagine how difficult it must be having to live together. I’m hoping the rest of the semester flies by for you! I’m sure it will – there are only about 2.5 months left I’m assuming? and i think you will have a much easier time when she’s not so close to you all the time. i can’t imagine how youre handling that at all.
i really admire the strength and maturity youre both showing! hang in there. 5 months ago i truly never thought i would smile again and I’m slowly getting back into my groove. its all about baby steps.
by the way ryan – make sure you get some soup or smoothies. liquids are way easier to get down than solids! and buy some tylenol pm to help you sleep. after 2-3 weeks your appetite and sleeping should get back to normal!
Hey Atea, thanks so much that feels good to hear something positive for once!! Haha yeah losing first love is as bad as we have all heard it is. I thought we would get married, we had always talked about it and we were planning where I would go to medical school and where she would find a job. The uncertainty of the future really is what is scary.
Honestly I’ve felt pretty good today. After being rejected from the email I sent her where I literally poured everything out, I feel like a load has been taken off my back and she at least knows how I’m feeling. The rejection kind of made me realize how pathetic I actually look (which is normal) and made me realize that I really need to just move on with my life and stop letting this control everything I do. Time to improve myself and put myself first for once. I’ve actually eaten some food tonight too! Tylenol p.m. yes I need to go buy that because I don’t want to take NyQuill or any other sleeping pills like that.
It sounds like you’re going through the same kind of uncertainty we all kind of are. None of us hate our exes and things just kind of fell apart. It stinks hearing that the spark is gone and they want to see what else is out there, but hey if they come back later in life then you know it’s right! If that’s what we want at that moment.
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