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i am so hopeless right now. My ex gf and i broke up after 9 months of being together. She has ADD/ADHD problems and is extremely needy emotionally. My work schedule meant I couldn’t give her the time and the attention which she wanted. We broke up mutually on 7th February. I thought being alone for a couple of weeks would help us sort our issues out. When i called her on Valentine’s she was already seeing another guy. Within a week! Now she tells me I hurt her and didn’t treat her right. She also told me she has good memories of me but she can’t forget how I hurt her. She also said she is 100% sure she doesn’t want to be a part of my life. I am so confused about her current relation. Is it a rebound or not? Because she is extremely needy, she latched on to the first guy she could find. Now she tells me he loves her and cooks for her and cleans her house and helps her . Even with me, the first 3-4 months were great. But then I started noticing her mood swings and emotional problems. I hope it goes that way in her current relationship. After we broke up, I made two mistakes. I mailed her, texted her pleading to take me back but she wouldn’t. I am starting my NC period now. I am afraid if I don’t hear back from her after a month or two she would be gone forever. I really want her back but clueless as to whether it would ever work or not. I know she still has feelings for me and she is afraid of living alone and a bit insecure. But I don’t know did I goof up badly the first time that her current bf will just make it impossible for me. It’s just so Tough going through this phase.
Help me guys what should I do.
Hey man, chances are yeah that other guy is a rebound. And secondly, she will probably reach out to you during that NC period if you’re saying she is needy. Whether you respond or not is your choice, I wouldn’t though it really complicates things.
As far as her forgetting you, no she won’t. I know I fucked up in my relationship of 5 years and I feel like all that she will think back on is the negative memories and therefore I will have no shot at getting her back. Initially, it may be true that they are focusing on the negatives. But, with time they will also remember all the positives that you had together and that’s when she will probably try to contact you. Stay strong, and read my posts if you wanna help a guy out.
Thanks Ryan. I was her first boyfriend in her life and she was extremely attached to me. But she was a bit insecure because of her weight. My work also didn’t help us out and only after 3 months I had to move to a diff town around 50 miles away. So I stopped seeing her daily which didn’t help. Also I am an Indian and she is an American. Her current boyfriend is an American so I feel maybe he has a huge advantage in that regard. She says that sometimes I didn’t pay her attention and I was rude. I know I didn’t act wisely at times but our chemistry overall was great. I only agreed to break up because I never thought she’ll go for a rebound. I thought a 2 week break will do us good. Now I feel she is gone for ever. It sucks. And hurts real bad. I don’t want her to go through same pains in future as her emotional needs were so high because she has add:ADHD. I’m just so confused. Don’t know what to do.
As far as the Indian/American thing goes I think you can throw that out of consideration. If that’s really a factor she considers, then that’s not worth your time. You’re just over thinking!
And, I was neglecting my girlfriend towards the end, too. She wasn’t getting the attention she wanted from me, which I think is kind of normal after 5 years. I just wish she would have told me that I need to work harder at making her my top priority.
I thought we were just going on like a two week break, too. And then it turned into a full breakup and I was devastated. She told me she had seen another guy and even kissed him. Which was really hard, because I was her first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything. And I felt like it was all forgotten about when she did that. I know this shit hurts bad. I’m still looking for advice on here, too. But it helps talking with someone who is going through the same stuff right now too. Things will get better they already have for me and they will for you too. Just gotta try not to text or call her or think of her with another guy (I know it’s really hard). But they haven’t forgotten about us, they’re just acting out and trying to fill the hole we left.
Thanks Ryan. Yeah I have been trying to not think about her being with someone who she didn’t even know 15 days ago. I blocked her on Facebook and emails. Didn’t text her at all from the last 4 days. I’ve been trying to move on. Sometimes I feel that what’s over is over and I should move on but sometimes there’s a very strong desire to wait for her and see how her current relationship goes.
When you said Ryan, things are getting better for you, what do you mean? Also with you I think 5 years is a long time which means a much deeper emotional bonding. We dated only for 9 months. And yes I didn’t pay her attention and I took her for granted. I made a lot of mistakes but so did she. Now she blames everything on me. Anyways. I am trying to just focus on myself, become a better person and feel content even if no one is around.
Well, the first couple days for me were absolute devastation. I tried to beg and plead her to take me back. I cried every hour, woke up every hour in the night thinking of her, and literally could not eat anything. Now, 9 days later I’m still struggling. I cry every day still, have trouble eating properly, and still struggle sleeping. But, I’ve definitely improved mentally. I’ve accepted that this is probably the right thing to happen for us and for me. I’m looking forward to improving as a person and to meeting new people and developing deeper relationships with my friends. And if we end up together, then that’s amazing! If not, by then I will have accepted that that could be a possible outcome. I still miss everything about her, but if she is not wiling to love me back the way I love her, then I deserve better. It’s all about making your life better after this horrible, horrible thing.
Yes good idea blocking her on everything social media. It keeps you from being tempted to check her page and see what she is doing.
It’s not right of her to blame everything on you. In a breakup, both individuals have faults that created the separation. I know it feels like it’s all your fault because you were the one that was dumped (as was I) but you have to know that they also were to blame for the breakup.
Thanks Ryan. Yes reading this helps a lot. For me as well the first two days were catastrophic. This is my third failed relationship but nothing hurt more than this time. I was so in love with this girl and convinced that she is also in love with me that I never envisaged that we would separate over a petty matter. On the first two days, I wrote a couple of long emails, texted her and skyped with her. Then I didn’t contact for almost 5 days but then I couldn’t resist and messaged her again. Now I feel so bad. I had a good rhythm going on for 5 days and should have never broken that.
I don’t know whether NC would make her miss me or not but surely it will help me become a better person. I already rejected the option of a rebound because that never works and it makes things worse most of the times. Maybe I’ll go on a few dates in the coming days just as a distraction but one things for sure, after her cold shoulder from the last week, I’ve decided no matter what I will not contact her. If she does, I will see. I have this feeling as well that after a month of NC I think I will not miss her anymore because that is exactly what happened with me in my previous two breakups. A lot of thoughts are going through my mind but I already have got my diet back on schedule. I run a lot and am working on my programming skills. Just to kill time.
It has helped. I am also on the same boat as you. If she comes then it’s wonderful. If not then I am preparing myself for this eventuality that I deserve someone better.
Yeah I feel yah I broke NC today after 5 days and it just made me feel so much worse. Never a good idea to break NC so early on.
I’m sure she will miss you during this NC especially after the ideal 30 days or so. And at that point yeah you will be a better person and if you guys meet up and things seem to click then great! If not, then you’re ready to move on. As for distracting yourself, last weekend I went home from college and went to the bars with my two brothers and it was a great distraction. Getting out and seeing that the world is still revolving during your hard time is good for you.
I’m glad to hear you’re doing stuff that you like (running and programming) and getting your life going again. I’m going to try and play basketball tomorrow and hang with some friends. We gotta stop letting our exes control our lives, especially during NC. Gotta rediscover ourselves as independent men. It’s weird though, haven’t been one in 5 years so it’s scary.
Thanks Ryan. Reading your posts make me feel much more comfortable. Today I am on my 4th day of NC. Mostly I am fine but just suddenly out of nowhere her image pops in my mind. They way she used to cuddle, or kiss or even the sex. And then the thought that she is sleeping with someone else. It’s not anger from my side but disappointment that how can she say that I was the love of her life when she moved on in a week. It’s more like a disappointment with myself that I allowed myself to be vulnerable to her charms and actually believed we loved each other. Now I don’t even know whether she actually loved me or not. But the positive is that I don’t feel like contacting her today. Didn’t feel like contacting her yesterday. I am slowly but steadily reconciling with the fact that it’s over. Next week I am moving and going to live with 2 college chicks. So I hope that would be a wonderful way to get my mind off her. The bad part though is I am going to the same city where we were first living together so all memories will come flooding in. But still I need a change badly hence no matter what, I am moving from my current place.
It sounds like this “new guy” is just someone she’s using to make you jealous. Saying that he loves her and is her personal slave after a week of dating? BS. Have you even seen this guy? Just be cool about the whole situation, don’t badmouth the new guy, and continue with the plan. You both need time to cool off and heal.
Thank Tighem. Even i thought that this ‘new guy’ is a ploy. But turns out it isn’t. You know when i committed one of the two mistakes which Kevin said not to do, that is to contact your ex she responded. When i was pleading her to take me back, she was responding to me although the frequency was 5 texts of mine to 1 of her. Obviously she was avoiding me. It’s then that this new guy messages me on facebook that he loves her extremely and if i try to contact her again he will report me to the law enforcement agencies. So i haven’t seen him but i have seen his facebook profile. The next day i see, she adds him on Facebook and they add a new life event that they are in a relationship. I don’t think she is fooling around. I know she is emotionally extremely insecure and constantly needs someone on her side to give her the feeling that she isn’t alone and that’s what this guy is doing.
Plus this guy is exactly opposite of who i am.I am not trying to gloat at all but i got an advanced degree from one of the premier schools in america, i am extremely ambitious and goal oriented person.I am working in a great industry with bright prospects. I am usually very disciplined. My ex gf loved that because her life was so haphazard that i brought a lot of positive changes into her life.She had ADD/ADHD hence her life was a mess when it comes to cleaning her house or doing her tasks.I acted as a calming influence on her and her grades improved significantly last sem which she acknowledged as well. This new guy she is dating is a high school passout and a cashier at gas station. Me ex gf herself was going for her Masters this year in Music. So it’s all the more unbelievable that she started dating him. She told me that he brings flowers for me and takes care of me and doesn’t say anything which hurts me. I think the last time i spoke with her all she had in her mind was a lot of anger for me which she released.
I am anyways proceeding with my NC plan and if i feel good after 30 days then i’ll probably call it an end and start my life all over again.
Also, this guy doesn’t love her, and she doesn’t love him. I have no experience on how long rebounds last, but this one seems doomed within a couple months, if not weeks.
Yeah man this guy is a rebound. I know the image of them having sex is unbearable. I just found out today that my ex had sex with this guy and she said it was awful and she regrets ever doing it. She went on to say how she missed me and is thinking of me every day. Now she’s going to be alone for awhile, she says, to think about us and figure out how we can make things work.
Fact of the matter is that once things go wrong with that guy, she will realize what she’s missing about you. She just needs to be alone and she will miss you. Just be patient. Rebounds hurt really badly, but it’s important for us not to take it personally. They’re trying to fill a hole we left and just trying to distract themselves from their feeling of loneliness.
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