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Hey guys! So my ex and I are back together and trying again. Right now we are not in an exclusive and committed relationship, but we are in the “dating” stages you typically find before relationships. We’re re-learning one another, and for the most part we’re doing pretty well.
There are times, though, where it is a little hard for me. I’m still very much in love with him, and he is aware of this. He was happy to find out I still loved him after everything, and he has told me how much he cares about me and wants to rebuild our relationship. I can tell he feels the same but is doing his hardest to hold back and rebuild slowly. But I guess he and I have different definitions of things. When one of his acquaintances asked last night “Are y’all together or hanging out?” He responded with “Hanging out,” which to me says “friends but with benefits,” but he says it isn’t nearly as casual in his mind as I interpreted it. He isn’t really the type to bulls*** me, and has had good follow-through with saying he will do something and doing it. But I did get sad, and he says my being sad is making him feel pressured. (I think because he really wants to give me what I want [exclusive relationship] and make me happy, but at the same time doesn’t want to do something he doesn’t feel is appropriate at the time?)
I know I can’t help how I feel, and he has been 100% upfront with me about wanting to take it slow and rebuild our relationship, so he isn’t deceiving me into anything. So I guess my question is how do I try to relax and just enjoy being with him and getting to know him again like most people do their first go at it? I’m doing everything I can to remember this is a brand new relationship, but it is difficult at times.
Just relax and try to imagine you are dating a new person. Meditate. Write your feelings on paper instead of talking right away. Only do if it has bothered you for more than two days. Put in your mind that whatever happens is for the best. Accept that it might not go well. But right now your chances are pretty good, he is trying. So be grateful for that and all the little things. And when things like this come up just realize that this is a way to not put pressure on things.
I wish my ex had that attitude and commitment. He just kissed me out of nowhere, didn’t have a talk with me for me to understand how he wanted things to go and just kept saying “we’ll just see what happens” no further explanation. Then when we had what I thought was a good talk, relaxed and understanding like never before (on both parts) and we talked about our concerns and everything was cleared out (I thought) two days later he broke up saying he didnt feel the same thing and had been feeling it for half the time we were together that second time which was 1 week and a half. So trust me, just relax and appreciate where you are now. He was straightforward with you, seems to care a lot, so just go little by little, have your own life as usual, all that. In the end if it doesn’t work it just wasn’t meant to be and it means the best is still ahead waiting for you.
I defiantly agree with @kaila! You need to just take things slow, NEVER rush! Trust me it’s a bad thing to do. As much as you want your relationship to go back to how it used to be, you have to let that go. Remember you guys did break up? So something had to be wrong in the past relationship. This is your chance to build a much better/stronger relationship with ur boyfriend. If he’s willing to work it out and go slow that speaks volumes! Must of us on here are wishing we get that chance with our exes and hopefully we all at some point do! don’t take this chance to work on things for granted because you’ll regret it. You have to help eachother fix your issues together not just dive straight into a relationship again.
Me and my ex broke up about 3 weeks ago and it truly hurt me, she was my best friend but I pushed her into a corner and she had no choice but to leave me, I was lazy, unmotivated and had no desire to go after a career, and because of that she didn’t feel secure and left me. I spent these last week’s changing myself, finding a new job, getting back into school and reflecting on what I did wrong in the relationship. So after this NC I will try to contact her and maybe hang out if things go well but I know if we end up wanting to try and fix things, it won’t be easy but then again I wouldn’t want it to be easy, I want to build the relationship me and her both deserve together.But anyways! Take things slow and slowly but surely you’ll see the difference and be happy! I’m glad ur getting a chance with ur ex again and I wish you guys the best of luck! Keep us updated!
Congrats Laur!!!!!!! Glad it’s started happeNing for you! you already know it’s you who wants to go fast so when you feel yourself rushing then stop yourself.. maybe have someone you can talk to that can really be there and advice you to take it easy and talk you through the situation to point out if you are freaking out. I wouldn’t tell him too much of my feelings if it isn’t needed. so ju st make sure there’s need to say that he saying that made you upset if not tell another friend not him else he will feel pressured and feel sad because he is causing you sadness and end it. you know, it’s not like you’re really really sad that you guys aren’t exclusive because you understand why you have to go slow. it’s just irritaing and kinda upsetting cause you want things to just go bak to how it was and be exclusive but that’s not where you guys should be now. slow is where you should be so it’s good now but I know you wish it would just get to the good good part bUT I heard it’s tough and it’s challenging and weird at first
Thank you so much for the advice, everyone! These last several months were very painful and hard. We have been back in contact for about 2 months now, and officially started dating probably about a month or so ago. I’m probably going to see him again in 2 days, and he’s my date to my best friend’s wedding this coming weekend (I’m maid of honor). After that he’ll be going out of state to be with his family for the holidays.
You are all so right. Going slow is the right way to do this, and I should probably do what I can to not be too serious and be more fun and relaxed right now. Luckily my best friend is pretty much the female version of him (and her fiance is the male version of me, it’s hilarious) so she offers some good insight. There was a reason it didn’t work out last time, and I need to focus on creating a new relationship with him.
Hopefully with this new perspective I’ll be able to relax more and just have fun with it. I need to try to calm down and be the girl he fell in love with, and that girl wasn’t nervous or anything like that. While our most recent date had some hiccups, the one before that was smooth sailing. Here’s hoping the smooth dates will be the run of the mill for the next few weeks.
Just a quick update for everyone! He was my date to my best friend’s wedding tonight (I was Maid of Honor) and we had a really great time. We danced a lot, and I showed him once again the girl he fell in love with the first time around. He was grinning from ear to ear several times 🙂 It meant a lot to me that he came, especially since he was leaving to drive straight to NY for the holidays right after the reception ended. He could have just gotten a jump on driving, but instead he came to the wedding with me. We even got some alone time in his car before he left 🙂
I’m really happy to say that I actually have a good feeling about all of this now. I didn’t at first; I was more pensive and anxious, scared of the bottom falling out and getting hurt again. But now I feel good and happy. I do believe he’s even going to be seeing a group of friends that includes a girl he dated back in college, and I honestly don’t even feel threatened.
Thank you so much again everyone. @starlight I know you’ve been keeping up with me for a while now and I appreciate it some much 🙂 Everything you said was 100% spot on. @kaila you too are completely right. I’m getting a chance many here only dream of (heck, I only dreamed of it this time 2.5 months ago!). He literally said everything I hoped he would when we first met up. I’m getting a second chance, but so is he. I’m learning to be very grateful for that opportunity.
@heartbreakkid15 I read your most recent updates and am so happy for you! Now it looks like you’ve just gotta do what I have to do: not jump in 100% head first into where you left off. Like everyone said, there’s reason it ended, and this relationship is brand new. I want SO BAD for us to basically be “that couple” where we’re cooking together, doting on one another, and so on, but I have to have faith that we will be again one day, perhaps not too far off in the future. I’m wishing you the best as well. Good luck! It’s not easy taking it slow when all you want is to just speed up, but I have faith in you as well as me 🙂
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