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Hi guys,
I wanted to pour my heart out a bit in this thread. Im 23 and my girlfriend is 21. I’m a little different as I haven’t broke up with my girlfriend. In our relationship we were madly in love with each other, loads of future plans etc. The past couple months I’ve been causing a lot of arguments, we’ve both been working a lot and the tiredness and stress means we take things out on each other. I noticed she was acting different and seemed to care less. We argued all last weekend and she said she wanted some space from me and that I had put her under a lot of stress and caused her to be unhappy. This worried me as she hasn’t done this before.
I made some of the mistakes mentioned in the 5 step plan by begging her and telling her all my emotions about how I feel about her. I made these mistakes Monday and Tuesday night and she said she needed time to think about things and make herself happy again, and she didn’t know how she felt about me. I respected this decision and gave her some space. I spent up until today (Valentine’s Day) worrying and thinking about everything. I realised what I’ve been doing wrong and how I can change for her to make her happy again, so today I asked her if she would like to go out to celebrate Valentine’s at which point she told me she didn’t think she was ready to continue our relationship. I rang her up and we spoke for almost an hour. We were both very emotional and she said how she didn’t think we were comparable and that we want different things in life, she said she wants to create more memories and experiences. I had bought us a holiday to Venice for 5th March for 3 nights for her birthday in January which I thought would have been creating the memories and experiences she wanted. We agreed on the phone that we would have a break for a month and cancel Venice. She said we can talk in a month and try again if things are right, I’m happy to do this because I feel she is worth waiting for. The no contact rule was her idea and she said she will text me when she’s ready.
After reading this site I realise that the no contact for a month rule is a good idea, however is it good if she is starting it? I’m the one who wants her back, so should I contact her after a month or wait for her like she said? She’s spent the past week going out with friends and drinking etc to take her mind off things. So she’s doing what she can to make herself happy again like how this site says, if I do the same will it attract her back? I just wouldn’t want her to find happiness and prefer being without me.
She said she has feelings for me still and really likes me but isn’t sure if we’re both meant to be. She also said if things didn’t work out that she would still want to remain really good friends with me.
I adore this girl and I’m so heartbroken but I realise this months break will be good for us to realise what we had, I already miss her and I know that the next 30 days are going to be painful but I’m going to do everything to ensure I’m happy and she misses me.
I’m just worried that if in a months time she doesn’t want to try again. What do you guys reckon my chances of survival are if I stick to the 5 step plan? Im just gonna wait it out and hope she misses me, I know she loved me and there’s a lot in her life that reminds her of me, we even have a side business together. She said we can continue that but keep it non personal between us. I’m thinking about not even talking to her about the business, just complete no contact.
I really hope we can work things out as we haven’t officially broken up, even though it feels like it. Especially as I know what I need to do to change.
Thanks
Michael
Hey Michael,
I think the best thing for you to do is to stick to the NC. During this time you should have fun and you should work on yourself. The changes you are talking about you should definitely work on during this month. Once you guys meet up again i’m sure that she will see the changes in you, and see that you are still working improving yourself. If these problems were a big part of why you fought a lot, then you know what needs to be changed. Just show her that you can change and that you are working on it. Good luck to you, i hope it works out!
She is the one who started no contact, but it doesn’t matter who started it. Meaning she is unhappier than you in the relationship and wants time to sort out her feelings. Don’t know how long you two have been a couple, but the more GOOD memories, the better the chance that she would want to try again.
YOU SAID:
“I’m just worried that if in a months time she doesn’t want to try again. What do you guys reckon my chances of survival are if I stick to the 5 step plan?”
She doesn’t want to try now, so you have nothing to loose. Your chances for survival are better if you respect her wishes about no contact. No guarantee, but better chance. Yes, you could contact her first after NC if she doesn’t contact you first, but please stop the arguments! Nobody wants to be in or return to a difficult unhappy relationship. Even if you’re tired, you can still be kind and considerate. Hope this helps.There is hope for you two. She clearly loves you. Now what you NEED to do is give her space. You need to let her miss you!
Dear Michael,
Your story sounds so eerily similar to mine, even down to how your ex worded your breakup conversation. My ex and I were madly in love for over a year and four months, we were inseparable. But I went to study abroad to South Korea this summer and when I came back, my ex did the same thing yours did: where she said she wanted time and space and wanted to make more memories and experiences without me.
My story most likely has already ended, I’m just holding on because I can’t seem to let myself go. We’ve been broken up for three months now with no communication and nothing tying us together anymore.
But here is what I would do:
Let her control the NC rule. I know that is going to be extremely difficult because all you want is to talk to her, and it is scary to think that she may never contact you again. In all honesty, that is what happened with me. My ex controlled the NC and right before it ended, she texted me saying she didn’t want to get back together with me. But you can’t grovel and beg at her feet right now.
She’s missing you for sure. If she wasn’t, she wouldn’t be drinking or going out with friends every night. You should do the same, but for YOUR benefit, not because you want to make her jealous or make her miss you. Right now, you have to work on you, regardless of what the outcome may be. I’m a firm believer in if people are meant to be in your life, they will come back at some point no matter how far they have traveled. Right now though, she has no idea what she wants, she doesn’t want to lose you, but she can’t seem to make herself commit to you. The best option here is to let her be, and you just focus on things that don’t revolve around her or your relationship. If you two do meet up sometime in the future, then it will show that you worked on yourself. She will see your progress.
But do not do anything rash in order to make her miss you. It will make you look like a jerk, even if she’s doing the same thing. Let her be immature at times and let her act all big and tough. That act will eventually wear off.
As of right now, let the NC rule progress and try your hardest not to break it. Let her come to you, but don’t let her push you around or confuse you. Give her time and space to see what life is like without you there and let her miss you by you just being you. Not by being a jerk.
You got this. I’m more than rooting for you.
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