Do You Guys Think I Still Have A Chance?

Good Afternoon,

I am here to get some personal perspectives on my current situation. I just got out of a relationship with the woman that I see myself spending my life with through thick and thin, hurt , anger and resentment. blessings and struggles. So here is my story:

I got a message out of nowhere on 2013 on OKCUPID site after having the dating site for over 4 years and never once received a message not even a wink. out of nowhere I got a notification that someone liked me so I checked their profile and they checked mine back. we started talking I was like her are you a robot and she replied she was real after talking for a few nights we decided to meet. she was Christian woman so I would have thought, She told me that she did not want to be intimate with another man until marriage that went out the window on the 3rd night we had coitus she said she was into the master/slave bdsm lifestyle and wanted a master. I knew somewhat about the lifestyle cause I was in various relationships like the sorts. the first 8/9 months were amazing so I would have been fooled. I did not realize what I was doing and how I was until recently loosing her and hitting rock bottom.:(

Throughout the 2 1/2 relationship I withheld attention form her and took her to concerts to not pay attention to her. she always wrote to me on instagram stating she loved me and missed me everyday I was working. I never hardly ever tagged her or posted things about her. I should have just said cute shit and loved her like she deserved:/ (I’ve come to realize I was a terrible boyfriend)
I should have showered her with attention and love but I was damaged just as much as she was damaged from previous relationships. I could write forever but I am going to make a long story short here, the end break-up was terrible her screaming at me and calling me a low, life petty loser and everything under the sun.*she told me i’ll never get it* I did not get it until I lost her..

so in the end I was told by my sister which is friends with her that she dumped me cause I lost my ambition and drive and kept making promises only to break them but I was in a downward spiral of depression at the time so I was to caught up to realize what was going on at the time. I lived off and on with her for 2 years (Rent Free) only using state resources to help with rent. part of it was because of my shoulder injury, I had trouble finding work but did not realize after a certain time I should have had a job after 2 months at most. I finally got a job after 6 months and they fired me after 2 days cause of my tattoo’s.

she picked me up from the job site that night I cried my eyes out, she said I was to sensitive and did not have time for that shit since she is a mortician by profession but once again I did not realize how depressed I was until I was let go. after that on valentines day we fought about me forgetting how much ghosts scare her I did not realize why ghosts scared her so much until after the fight. it’s because she deals with the deceased all day. then on the 16th it was when it went and shot to hell, I said I was going to be at her house after work and I was not cause I was at our local library filling out applications and busting my ass to find work to better myself to better our situation.

I came home around 7 when she got off at 5pm communication is a huge deal to her but I did not get that picture that time as you can see. I was kicked out that night and it went to the extremes of her putting cardboard on her windows so she did not have to see me.:( it’s now been almost 2 months (well a month and some days)and I have not seen her or tried to contact her face to face. I did write her a letter stating my apology and dropped off a few things for her that reminded me of her. a princess blanket, a piglet stuffed animal and some cookies (we both love cookies) the apology was not abrasive or demanding at all no pity or neediness it just stated that I really realized and I am finally to get it which I am now.:) and it would be nice to hear from her but if that is to much to ask I understand, that was a few days before saint patricks day and I never received a response.

I heard through the grapevine that she created a dating profile on the site again which sure enough she did but it was hidden form me. it read about how and what she expects from a man due to unclear expectations in her last relationship. she does not know but one of her instagram friends sent me photos of her with this guys hands around her throat.

she posted it on instagram (also posted something) about how she had the best sex ever last night and was sent to e.r with a possible dislocated shoulder.. my guess was for attention or she is insecure and hates herself deep down that is why she is doing these things?. possibly not love herself? I mean her job is not a cake-walk to begin with so, I also heard from someone that knows her personally that she is not only screwing this one guy that tried to get in her pants while we were together but a few different men? is this because she is trying to fill the void and is having troubles forgetting me? or is it just a rebound or you think she just now is enjoying her freedom? anyways something I failed to mention while we were together we had a open relationship and she had sex with various guys even one of my friends. one of my main questions is it did not bother me then why does knowing that she is doing something with her old friend bug me now?

so recently as of yesterday she posted a photo stating she wants to do cute shit with this guy like wear his t-shirts and hold his stupid hand. is this serious or is she just needing, wanting the attention and void filled cause she had higher expectations of me? you think she thinks of me still..

anyways she has a birthday coming up now I am on my feet and got a new job and a place and actually showing changes in myself that she did not see. do you guys think I should reach out to her again and how should I approach it if so? my question is do you think I still have a chance at her love? I am a weird one cause I don’t care if she is intimate with 10 guys or 10,0000 (I don’t care if she is a slut even) she just has a special place in my heart. I am not that well endowed and do not make lots of money but these others guys do that is the only thing that makes me re-think the situation. I just want her to be happy either it be with me or without me. I just want to know what the next step could be to rekindle romance since I do not make lies up now, I am honest and have integrity now and seen things in a different light. I just can’t believe it took me to hit rock bottom to really see what I lost..

anyways any and every opinion appreciated. I am just going crazy over here wondering if she ever contact me or if I should never give-up or what to do..

Thank You
TMC