Confused, miserable, depressed, insecure, needy, lost, and anxious.

Confused, miserable, depressed, insecure, needy, lost, and anxious.

^This is how I felt when she told me it was over, and 4 days later I still feel the same way.

After an amazing relationship that lasted from April 23rd last year, to just 4 days ago, I’m left here stunned and afraid. I thought everything was going amazing, we were happy, having fun, paving a life together filled with new experiences and discovering who we were. But something went wrong and I’m still searching for an answer.

I noticed since she got a car and a new job last month, she became a little more distant, something I understood. She had more freedom, a tiny bit more spending money and more opportunities to be with her friends rather than me. These are things that were logical to me, I understand that we spent that past year almost inseparable, doing everything and anything together just because we were absolutely infatuated with each other, it was gonna be sooner or later that our puppy love stage would end, and I accepted that.

But then it slowly became worse and worse, and texting slowed down to maybe 10 short texts a day from her, from what was, I wouldn’t say constant texting, but an amount where we could talk about each others day and maybe plan something to do later in the week. And with the slower amount of texts, came less and less opportunities to be with each other.

I thought to myself that this was a phase, and thought she was just really missing being with her friends a lot, so again I put my head down and waited. That is until 4 days ago when I confronted her with a text that read: “Name” how come you rarely text me anymore? This might have been a mistake but I just couldn’t hold out anymore, I had to say something because I started to worry. Her response was something I never thought she’d say.

“Honestly I just feel like we’re at two different parts in our life, and I don’t think I can put enough time into our relationship that you deserve. The tears streamed down my face as I felt what could only be described as a pure primal feeling, I had my guard down, my back against the wall, and was completely blind sided by this. Later that night she came over to talk about it after I had asked her to please not do this over the phone, it just wasn’t right.

For around 4 hours waiting for her to come over, I analyzed the situation, asked myself a million times what went wrong, what did I do? How can we fix this? Well I had all my ideas ready to talk to her about how we can make this work if we do it together, but when she got there it was like I was talking to another person. She was cold, yeah she cried, but the way she talked to me was not the person I fell in love with, it was as if she was reading off a teleprompter. Her reason was, that she needed to go into this new school year alone, she needed to be with her friends this year, have fun, have parties, find out who she is. This next part I’m really not proud of, but I couldn’t help myself.

I cried like a god damn baby. Hardly anything could come out of my mouth. I asked her why would she think she has to do this alone? I thought we were having fun this whole time? We could always go to a party together and we have, so why do you feel like you need to all this alone. Your graduating in 4 months, do you really think that getting drunk and high a few days out of the week is really going to determine who you are?

She wouldn’t budge, she stuck to what she was saying and wouldn’t elaborate. She added that I am the perfect boyfriend, I’ve been there for her for everything, I’m the only person that has ever cared about her this much, and get this, SHE still loves me!? What the hell is this? So what do I do as she kisses me goodbye while I’m crying my eyes out, and leaves the room saying I love you Eric? I run after her. Its 10 at night, and by the time I run to the garage, shes already in her car driving down the driveway.

Guess what? I’m not giving up. I run down my long driveway which is completely downhill, barefoot, still tears running down my face, hoping if I can catch up to her i can change her mind. Well, being a running back, back in the day, thinking I’m pretty fast, sadly I’m not as fast as a car, and after 2 blocks and in complete pain, I stop and watch her drive away, hoping she didn’t see me because if she did, and still didn’t stop, I would be crushed.

I haven’t contacted her since, but every inch of my body wants to call her and just hear her voice, but I’m scared, because if I don’t get the response I want, I don’t really know what will become of me. What I’m trying to do is keep up my NC, try to keep a positive outlook on things and surround myself with loved ones. Everyone I’ve talked to has been completely shocked about this ending, and most girls that have talked to me, tell me she’ll be back, I just need to give it time and she’ll realize what she’s done.

So now that I’ve treated this post as a personal journal and told you 85% of whats happening to me right now, do anyone of you think you can give me some advice? Some inspiration? Some hope? I have all these friends and family members here for me, telling me she’ll be back and that we were perfect for each other, but I just need some neutral advice right now. What do I do, where do I go from here?

Some positive things I’ve done int he past few days.
-Registered my classes for college again this semester, and I’m ready for it.
-Going back on my diet and back to the gym, used to be 300 lbs and diabetic, but lost 100lbs 2 years ago, but since then I’ve put on about 50 lbs again, still muscular build, but the guts back
-Sold some things that were nonessential to me, needed the cash and now I can’t spend something on myself, something to help the two things above^

And lastly, I really appreciate anyone and everyone who has actually taken the time to read all of this, its been kind of therapeutic to me and I’m sitting here happier now than I was 20 mins ago. I can be happy again, I know I can do anything I dream of on my own or with friends, its just I really wanted her there with me.