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Hi everyone,
I was with my ex for 4 1/2 years. He broke up with me shortly after we had gone on a trip to Canada. And although it was a fun trip I had already felt something was wrong. But before I talk about the brake up I wanted to mention the last kinda big argument we had and what I feel was one of the reasons why he broke up with me. On January my family and me took a trip to my parent’s home country. (His dad was also from there too so I knew how much it meant to him to go there.) My family and I invited him on this trip because I really wanted him to meet my extended family. My grandma is getting older so I don’t know much longer she has. He ended up saying he couldn’t because he wasn’t going to feel comfortable to be in a shared room or in a room with just both of us and my family being around. That and also his mom kinda convinced him too it wouldn’t be such a great idea. Fast forward to July, he tells me about this trip with his friends and that they were considering going to the same destination. He really wanted to go because he has not been hanging out with his friends for a while now and also because it was an important day for his friend, especially since he wasn’t sure he was going to be invited to the wedding. I was upset because he had given me an excuse when it came to my family but when it was his friends he was considering it. Fast forward (again), a month before the trip. He tells me he had already booked the flight and that he was going for sure. That really got to me. I got upset and he saw. I didn’t want to talk to him so he decided to leave my house and go home. I texted him later that day and explained why I was upset. He said he was disappointed in me because if it were the other way around he would’ve been happy for me. I tried to explain my point of view but I think he was just more upset and disappointed in me more than anything. I apologized and we were okay, kinda, after that.
Back to our trip to Vancouver…We came back on a Sunday, the Thursday that was coming up he was going on the trip with his close friends. Monday thru Wednesday seemed okay. I didn’t feel any type of weird vibe or anything. On Monday he came over to hangout and so I could give him toiletries for his trip. I had also gone shopping that day and bought him a neck pillow so he could take on his trip. He really appreciated it. He wanted to see me before he left on Thursday morning. There was two reasons why I didn’t want to see him. The first because I had work at 9 am and he was leaving to the airport with his friend at 7:30 am which meant I had to see him before 7:30 am. The second because I was still a little salty he was going. I ended up telling him I wasn’t sure if I would wake up early enough but that I would try and text him in the morning. I really did want to see him so that night I put my alarm so I would wake up no matter what. But I didn’t tell him that. I just texted him in the morning that I was going to be on my way to go see him. I bought him breakfast and we talked. I was excited for him because the last time he went was for his dad’s funeral. He texted me throughout the trip. He sent me videos and pictures of where he went and what he ate. I was happy he was enjoying the trip. Even though he was sending me updates of his trip I still felt like something was wrong. But I didn’t want to make it a big deal because he was doing his own thing. So I just texted him like normal.
Sunday finally comes and he lets me know what time he’ll be at the airport and when he got home. He wanted to see me once he got home but I told him he didn’t have to if he was tired. But he wanted to anyways. He picked me up at home and I was happy to see him. I gave him a kiss on the hand and told him I missed him. All he told me was really? He gave me the gifts he brought me back and then we went to go eat. He didn’t say anything about the haircut I had gotten (but he did on text) and I had a weird vibe because of it. He started to tell me how his trip went and I asked questions. It wasn’t until he told me his friend (who’s getting married) told him he was invited to the wedding. But that he didn’t have a plus one. That because it was a small “intimate” wedding they kept it with only a few guests and the only friend that would get a plus one would be his (my ex) best friend and his gf because she is technically part of the group of friends. I don’t know that got to me. I know it’s out of his hands but I always felt like maybe his friends didn’t like me so he was just telling me that so I wouldn’t question not being invited. After he told me that I became distant on the way to get food. We went back to my house and he parked outside my house and we ate in his car. The whole time it was quiet, we didn’t say anything. Until I said something to lighten up the mood.
Thats when I saw him looking down and I asked “is everything okay?”. He said “yes”. But I still felt something was wrong. So I said “are you sure?” And he said “no”. I asked if he did something while he was on the trip and he said no, that he would never do something like that. So then I said what’s wrong? He finally said it. He said his feelings towards me had changed. That he didn’t feel as strongly as he did before. I started crying. He said he had been feeling this way for a couple of months now but he didn’t how to tell me. I told him why he didn’t tell me before and why now? And he because we had already paid for the trip and he didn’t want us to not go. I ended up leaving his car. I couldn’t be in there. I went inside my house crying.
That night I felt so empty and felt like garbage. I couldn’t sleep that night, I felt so horrible. The next morning I texted him that I needed to talk to him. He agreed to meet up so we could talk. I asked him if it was because of someone else and he said no, it was nothing like that. He started to tell me that he still loved and cared about me but not like before. Not as strong as before. He started to tell me other issues that he’s going thru. I told him that I was willing to take a break and try to work it out but he said he didn’t want that. I asked so that’s it then? And he said yeah, that’s it. I cried so much. Once I got him I thought about it the rest of the day how I didn’t want for it to end that way. So I sent him a text that evening saying that I am willing to be friends with him. That I still wanted him to be in my life. He agreed to that but that he needed time to transition. I told him whenever he was ready to give me a call/text or even meet up. And he agreed.
It’s been 16 days of NC. I still think about him, every day. Sometimes I have dreams about him and even think sometimes this is just a nightmare Im going to wake up from. And he’ll be there next to me. I cry when I think about him or when I see our pictures. I try not think so much about our trip to Canada cause it just feels so bitter-sweet.
I try to keep myself busy but sometimes it’s hard. I’ve been reading these boards and it helps a bit. But I do want recommendations or ways to think less of him. I really want to get back with him and I know right now I have to be patient and I know deep in my heart that there is a possibility of us getting back together but I am also a little prepared if it doesn’t happen. I know I need to work on myself tremendously while we’re in NC. So recommendations for that will help too.
Thank you.
How was your trip to Vancouver with him? Did anything odd happen there and how was his mood and behavior?
Did you ever act needy or insecure during the last few months with him before the breakup?
Our trip to Vancouver was good and kinda bad, I guess. During the plane ride he was taking pictures of a dog in the plane and then he showed it me because I couldn’t see. He accidentally swiped to a picture that I hadn’t seen before. It was not a bad picture, it was just a picture of a river. I asked him when he took it and it felt like he had been caught or something. He pretended like he couldn’t hear me and he looked weird. I asked again and he said ohhh…I took it two weeks ago. He told me he had gone hiking. I asked why didn’t you tell me about it?! I started to cry because I had a feeling he had gone with someone. But he said he didn’t. He went on his own. That he had felt really depressed that day and he didn’t want to stay home alone. I asked why didn’t you talk to me about it? What am I here for then? And he said because I love you. During the trip I just felt odd about it. And I don’t know if I was wrong in doing so but I kinda just put it aside.
I felt like when we we’re at the hotel things were a little weird. Like he didn’t want to be intimate with me. The first night he just fell dead asleep. And usually when we would plan trips like these he’d be excited and it would the first thing we do as soon as we walked into the hotel room. But not this time. I understand that he’s been having a rough time at work and he’s been working extra hard so I figured maybe that was one of the reasons. When we were doing all the other tourist-y things it was great. We had a lot of fun. We chose the things we wanted to do and we did them.I did act needy and insecure. A couple of weeks before the trip he told me he was going to a get together with his coworkers and he had barely told me about it an hour before. I just told him oh okay..have fun
And he didn’t like the way I responded so he didn’t text me until the day after. And I asked did you end up going? And he said yes. I said why didn’t you tell me? At least I could’ve gotten a text that you were home. And he told me that he didn’t like the response I had given him when he told me he was going out. I think there were other small things too.I keep rethinking the things I shouldn’t have done. I know it’s too late for that but I can’t help it.
I know the holidays are coming up soon and I’m planning on being in NC for at least 45 days but I really want to give him and his mom a gift for Christmas. Would that be okay?
Sounds a lot like the situation with my ex girl and me. I made a lot of the mistakes that your ex made such as not telling her small things. In my case at least I wasn’t up to anything bad but I had a bad tendency to not disclose small things or hide them. The difference is she eventually broke up with me as she felt hurt by everything eventually. I always still had feelings for her and still do.
No gifts but perhaps you can wish him a Merry Christmas. You are already through a good chunk of the NC period so just keep it going.
@tanda Have you been in contact with her or are you still in NC? How long has it been since the break up? And are you still hoping to get back together? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.
Thank you, it’s been hard. It’s just him and his mom and he doesn’t really disclose much to his mom or his friends. So I don’t know if he even told them already. I did tell his best friend’s girlfriend because I know he’s somewhat close to her. I wasn’t that close to her but I knew I could trust her. I told her that some of the stuff he told me when I talked to him after the break up really concerned me and I was worried about his safety and well-being. And if she and my ex’s best friend could keep an eye on him and give him the support he needed. She said of course.
He always told me he didn’t deserve me and even when I went once to his job his coworker said he always spoke highly of me and said he didn’t deserve me. That he was a piece of s*it. He told me that too when we were together. When I would say I love you to him. He’d tell me why? I’m nothing. You deserve better. And it always broke my heart because that wasn’t true. I have an higher education than him and I think that always got to him too. But I always told him that didn’t matter to me. That I loved him regardless because I knew he was a hard worker. So idk.
I think that
My story can be found on the above link. 3 months since breakup. Did 30 days of no contact. Started messaging each other and met up twice. She is hot and cold with her messages. For past couple weeks really cold. I hardly get anything from her. Still hoping but at this point it almost seems a lost cause if she is not making an effort to reconcile.
You still have hope just let NC play out and see where it takes you. With time he might forget the negatives and focus on the good things in the relationship. 4 and half years is a long time and those feelings don’t just erode especially since there did not seem to be any big issues such is infidelity etc.
@tanda I read your thread. Maybe you need more time doing NC? Cause it seems like she is going thru a lot. I think it’s good you are still hopeful though. Did she ever add you back again on instagram or do she still have you on snapchat?
I really hope so. A couple months ago he told me to ask my siblings to add him on social media and to add him on their phone because one day they were going to be his family too. And the last time he moved apartments with his mom he told me he hoped it was the last one before we would in move in together. I just feel like the break up came out of nowhere. But yeah I really hope so. Thank you!
We have each other on snapchat but not instagram. Is there any update on your situation? I am guessing you are continuing no contact?
@tanda
Has she messaged you at all?Yes, he messaged me yesterday. Not sure because of Thanksgiving (here in the US) or because a month of NC had passed. He wished me well and a good Thanksgiving for me and my family. He mentioned how he was thankful that me and my family welcomed him to our home and allowed him to be part of a bigger family than what he has. I replied back that I was doing well and I was just getting better from a cold. And I wished him and his mom a good Thanksgiving too. He asked me about my health and after that we kept the conversation going. In the end I told him I really missed talking to him in general and that there was no pressure but I hoped we were able to hangout soon. His response was that he did too and he talked about how the transition to being friends was odd but that catching up was nice. And that the idea of hanging out sounded good and that we can set something up. I texted him back but he hasn’t responded back so its ok.
I’m guessing this is good progress?
That is a good sign for you! I hope he contacts you again and you get a face to face meeting with him. Let us know what happens.
I messaged her sending her a photo of the library I have been studying at over a week ago. She did not reply. I also called her the next day and she did not pick up. She has not contacted me at all. But she has viewed my snaps on Snapchat the past week. I miss her a lot. I still always carry the smallest of hope but maybe I shouldn’t do that.
@tanda
I hope so too! I still have two weeks left of NC and I am going to let him take initiative to contact me and set up the hangout. I will!
When I think about getting back together though, I have an odd feeling inside. Like I really want to get back together but I don’t want things to be like before. I kinda forgot about my friends and all I wanted to do was to be with him. Whenever my family or friends wanted to include me to make plans I would only agree to those plans based on his availability. And it wasn’t because he would tell me to, it was all me. If we do end up getting back together I don’t want repeat the same mistakes again. I know there’s things I need to work so I decided to start therapy. I am very excited and happy about that! And I joined an online dating site! I’ve only talked to a few guys. I haven’t gone on a date with any of them and the conversations are short but it’s a start. I just feel like this will help me a lot, especially to boost up my confidence.I understand why you would feel that way. Do you know you if maybe she is seeing someone?
Have you tried online dating? I feel like it might help. At first I wasn’t too sure about it and even felt a bit of guilt but I know it will help a bit. Have you hung-out with friends?It’s great you are focusing on yourself. I remember I did that as well during no contact. I did join a couple online dating sites but didn’t really talk to someone. I felt I wasn’t in the right place. So I started to focus on hanging out with friends which I had not been doing prior and also going to the gym. I know she joined online dating sites when she first broke up with me and was talking to guys. Then during the patch where she started talking to me and met up with me twice I think she probably stopped talking to other guys. My guess is she is talking to other guys again now. She will probably come home for the holidays and be in the area. Maybe she will want to meet up and talk things. But who knows.
I think you have a good chance with your situation. It is my belief that it is much more common for a guy to flip on his original breakup decision and reconcile than if a woman decides on the breakup. Just keep going on the NC. Will you be ending it sometime this month?
@tanda
I think since she really hasn’t taken initiative to talk to you means she might be moving on or she’s still hurt. I know it’s hard to do so but I feel like if you move on it will be the best thing you can do for yourself. I know it’ll be hard for you but you have be strong. I really hope she does too. But try not to have your hopes up. Because if you do, the chances of having your heart broken again are high and it would suck so much for you to have to go thru that again. Let us know if she does. Or any updates please.Thank you! I really hope so too. I’ll be ending it on December 12. So we’ll see what happens!
@tanda have you taken the exam again?!
This is kind of an update but not really..need some advice more than anything.
I’m about to end my NC 45 day period soon and as the days are approaching I’m feeling a little nervous. He hasn’t messaged me at all since thanksgiving (almost two weeks ago) and hasn’t taken initiative to set up a day to hangout. I’m not sure if that is good or bad.
Anyways, I’m patiently waiting for Thursday. And I have no idea how to initiate contact with him again. Any thoughts, ideas or suggestions?
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