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Hi everyone. I actually broke up with my boyfriend and I feel horrible. We have been together for five years, but he has had a weird relationship with alcohol.
He rarely ever drank, but when he did, it was quite a lot. He got a new job about six months ago that is very stressful and started drinking more.
I found out a month ago that he’s been drinking heavily and very often when we aren’t together and lying to me about it. I confronted him and told him Id forgive the lying as long as he was getting help and moving forward.
He started addiction therapy which seemed to be helping. Then, two weeks ago, he showed up at my house completely hammered. When I stated this, he denied it right to my face. He was falling over and slurring his words. I threw him out, took his key, and we have not spoken since.
This is all really unexpected for me. I love him and he is a wonderful person, drinking aside. I had no idea this was even going on, as he did it after he got home from work late. Now it’s completely out of control and I don’t know what to do.
He is still getting help, but I have no idea how it’s going as I’ve been doing NC. I feel like I got dumped because I felt backed into a corner to make this decision. I can’t be with a drunk who lies to me. I can’t help him if he lies to me. And the worst part is this JUST happened after five years of a perfectly fine relationship. He doesn’t drive drunk, or get abusive or mean when he drinks. Nothing like that. He’s so early in, but clearly it’s out of control.
What should I do? Wait until he cleans up and comes to me? I’m worried about his health. I hope losing me will motivate him to get better.
Thank you all so much. The NC is killing me, as I just want to help him so badly. But I also think living without me will help motivate him to continue therapy and stop. Anyone else have a similar issue?
hey,
I don’t really know what to say about your situation.this site is about how to get our exes back.and i think you can do it in a blink of an eye.I don’t think if NC would be necessary right now.try to have a communication with him without judging and evaluating him,control your anger and talk to him.i had serious anger issue and once kevin suggested me to read Nonviolent communication and it really worked for me.i am not saying that you have anger issue or anything like that.you had all the rights to be angry but now you can call him and say that you were angry and you didn’t want to talk to him and now you feel ok and ready to talk.then meet him and talk to him in person.the communication structure should be like this:
1.what you observe
2.how it makes you feel
3.what you need
4.your request
for example you can say: when i see you drunk like that night,it makes me feel hurt.i need us to improve our relationship.please do something about it.
Also put yourself in his shoes and try to understand what he sees,feels,needs,wants. and ask him if you are right or not.You know the words better.you don’t have to be judging ,threatening him and you don’t have to make him feel guilty.
It really worked for me like a miracle.
Az, thank you so much for your advice. It’s true, I was really angry about everything and reacted rashly.
I guess what I mean by getting him back is, I don’t want who he is right now back. I don’t want this drunken liar back. I want him to get sober and be the man he has been for the last five years. THAT is who I want back. I want my NC and not being in his life to be a huge wake up call to try harder to clean up. I just can’t be with who he is right now. 🙁
Oh, and another thing. He hasn’t tried to contact me at all – not even to apologize for showing up so drunk to my place. I’m pretty hurt by this, as I at least deserve an apology.
Its good to see that you are really strong.i believe you know what to do.
Keep it up and i’m sure you are gonna be fine.Dear notevensure,
Your ex boyfriend has not done a big crime but go shitfaced and denied it! I believe you were really harsh to him and you expect him to apologize! In fact, I want to highlight that it was you who throw him out of your house. Now see which one is more impolite and who should apologize. I believe if a man drink a lot he has some emotional issues. Maybe I should say that he finds solace in drinking because maybe you did not understand his emotional issues. Sorry for being so blunt but I suggest you to take your time and think about what made him over-drunk himself. I believe working hard and drinking has something to do with each other.
I suggest you to complete this NC. Then contact him sympathize with him on drinking. Try to understand why did he do so. There are a lot of people out there on drugs and you should be happy that he is just drinking!
I think there is a big difference on alcohol from a man’s point of view to a woman’s point of view! Well, men love alcohol and women love shopping! Men should understand that shopping is fun for women and women should understand men love drinking! Both shopping and drinking are not crimes! Yet, too much of drinking is bad for health!
Best of luck!
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