Broke NC – Ups and Downs; What next?

My ex ended our 2.5 year relationship 24 days ago. And yes, I’m counting. We had a lot of ups and downs, and had broken up before. He left me almost a year ago after going through some depression, shutting me out, and meeting someone else in a rebound relationship. That ended after 3 weeks and he came back. I let him back in, quickly.

This most recent time, we were doing well. We went on a vacation in Mexico where we talked about getting married and spending our lives together. We had one argument while there. Over something silly, but it escalated and he yelled. He has some anger issues and it’s hard to navigate. And I’m no saint when the arguments get going. So we have been working on those things. Talking and open as how to get better.

Anyhow, that Mexico fight was a bad fight and he got off the plane and ran away from me, physically. I knew he was shutting me down (because that’s what he does) so I went to him aka chased him. He told me it was over; he was done. And walked away.

I admit that I’ve been horrible at NC. I’m only successful for days at a time. I miss him terribly and am tramatized buy all the drama that was stirred up and the way he left me. Yet again.

He had not been responding to my texts until Saturday (3 days ago). It was a weird exchange. Some of it was him telling me that we were “beyond broken” and then the rest of it telling me about his day (and also had some sexual stuff implied and sent).

The exchanges were very short and not once did he apologize or ask how I was.

I admit to flirting with him, to see if he would flirt back. Sometimes he did, sometimes he did not.

Yesterday, I texted to tell him I had his jacket. He responded “what do you want for it?” I assumed this was flirty and I responded back in a flirty way.

This was 3pm yesterday. No response. So I texted again at 10pm saying that I misread the tone and of course he can have his jacket back. 11 hours later and still no response.

What should I do now? I don’t think I can text him again (even though I want to. I want to shake him and make him talk to me…but that’s my own neediness and perhaps he needs space.)

Should I drop his jacket and stuff off at his house with no text; just leave it for him to find? (I really don’t even want to see his house….might trigger memories and make me sad).

I admit that having his things gives me the hope he will contact me.

I also admit that this relationship, of late, has been really rocky. No one thinks it is healthy for me to get back with him. Yet, I still believe this is what I want. Horrible to admit, as he has walked away from me so many times and I let him back every time. He was also renovating my house before the break up, and now refuses to finish the work — leaving me high and dry.

And advice on next steps? I feel heartbroken, but also powerless and weak (pretty sure I’ve made myself feel this way.)