Being back isn't as easy as it seems

between, I didn’t talk about ellie or “all” or anyone else. I talked only to you. You started by saying I was defending myself. I wasn’t. I actually had just realized I didn’t know how to start slow as I don’t have that experience even with him. Then you proceeded to tell me I wasn’t valuing this chance that you would kill for. I know how it is to see people worry way too much and almost screw up when they get back. I had my share of telling people “you need to calm down right now!” here on this site. One person I didn’t say that to, was ellie, for example. What is going on with her isn’t a case of her worrying too much.

Other than that you are being pretty helpful. I’m ok with hearing people tell me their opinions. I’m not ok with people blow up on me assuming I’m ungrateful or defending myself. If everyone would come here and dismiss my situation because I was back and i should just be happy for it, I wouldn’t really have any true and constructive criticism. So that’s what I meant really. Cause I don’t see where I’m not valuing this opportunity.

The truth is in fact we went REALLY fast the first time we got together, so I can’t go back even our own beginning. I could just paste what I said here, because it’s what it is, I have no reason to defend myself

Anyway thank you both for trying to be understanding and for caring 🙂

Hey Mr. A 🙂 Yeah, we aren’t in a long distance relationship, in fact he lives 5 minutes away from me. Here I took distance has not being together half of the week x) It’s something I am learning. It’s so stupid that I’m learning to deal with not being together everyday at 24 ahah. But what matters is I know this is good for me, for him, and for our relationship together. And I MUST keep that in mind, cause before I knew it, but i wanted to be with him so I brushed it off. Not this time.

I have an update. We talked face to face and it was great. That situation of that night out, I realized everytime I remembered it it hurt my feelings. So I was honest and said I was surprised by how he didn’t try to know if I was ok, or if I needed a ride. That he has always been really caring all the time and now he wasn’t showing that. That I know it’s not gonna be like that right away, and that I don’t want him to be always around me to help me or whatever. Just that I was surprised and that I’m not mad but it made me feel we weren’t together after all. I talked about other stuff but it was all solved already so I just touched base on it and explained my reasoning (about thinking he didnt want to talk for example). Also I said I felt alone, like he wanted to just live his life and that I was left to deal with whatever feelings I had. And that he has to put some effort in. That I also chose to give us an opportunity, it wasn’t only him. And it’s true. And that I know I hurt him and that he is afraid and wants to see how things go before letting me in a bit more and that it’s ok. That in time we’ll get there and will start to get more comfortable communicating too.

He said that the other day when he told me he wanted to sleep by himself, he felt bad and felt like he did in the past. That it wasn’t my fault but that he did feel that and he was afraid of my reaction. He also said that he was alone for a really short period in between his ex and me, that he wanted to be by himself for a long time but that he saw that it was worth it to invest in something with me so he did (i’m like wow at that xD someone insecure like me, if you are too, you understand). And now that he was by himself again for 4 months, it felt really great. He could be free, do what he wanted when he wanted, not have to tell anyone. And that now he is trying. That he wants his freedom and to feel good with himself, and I have to feel good too and have my freedom. And that we both have to try, he doesn’t think that one should paddle and the other just look at the sea. So he basically said that he will put effort too, I’m not in this alone 🙂

I said that we would talk about things, he could tell me just what he needed and I would too. That if I ever am too nervous, for him to tell me maybe we should talk later, and that I would regain my sanity and talk calmly then. Also we talked about how he got nervous the other day on the phone. He said sorry about that (and about that night out too btw) and we agreed that we are gonna be understanding if one or the other gets nervous or says something sometimes without thinking it thru.

So yeah I feel great and I’m proud I talked about things so calmly. I really did! Everything I said was said in a calm way, I didn’t get angry at any point, I just EXPLAINED my feelings, instead of showing them 🙂 Something I wanted to have always done, but I could rarely achieve. And I really hope I can achieve this 80/90% of the time at least. It’s totally and learning curve and I’m really proud and grateful about him wanting to try, wanting to communicate, being understanding, not making excuses about his mistakes and saying I’m worthy of him fighting, and that he is back after this whole time, after knowing my flaws so well. It’s just unreal.

Thank you all! I hope this is useful to some of you in any way and that it’s not just a depressing read. I will keep on this forum cause I know I will keep having difficulties, and I want to keep helping people. Thank you for believing in me, supporting me and all that