Been in NC since October.

I’m not sure who remembers my sorry, but I’ve been in Nc for three months. It’s not to do the five steps. It’s for my own health and well-being. I needed to separate myself from my ex. There’s still so much anger for what she did to me; I thought it was safer if we stayed away from each other.

I stumbled upon a picture of her at New Years. Someone else had shared it on my timeline on a social networking site. At first, I felt the old familiar feelings of numbness in my arms, the cold sensation in my chest, and the heartbreaking sadness. She seems to have moved on with the person she cheated on me with (the second time).

Before I went NC, my ex tried to keep in contact. She wanted me in her life and even hinted at both of us getting our shit together and seeing what might happen later in life. I shit that shit down. She lied too much and cheated twice within six months. I have enough respect for myself to say no to the train wreck she is. However, I can’t help but miss her sometimes. I have blocked her phone number, I do not have her on any social networking account, and I have told her to not reach out to my siblings. (She did that before to try and check up on me.)

The last message I had from her was, “I will not contact you again. I’m really sorry for everything and I promise I haven’t said anything about you to people.”

She’s lying about that last part though. The last day we were together she asked if she could be on my life. I told her only if she can be trusted and that I don’t trust her. That she needs to start being honest about everything that has transpired. She said she was willing to do whatever it takes… And then proceeded to lie to me twice.

I know she doesn’t respect me, and I question if she even considers me a human being… Or a thing that she would keep around for company because she didn’t think she could get anything else etc.

I don’t plan on breaking NC. It really is best not to reach out. The love of my life died the moment this bitch came to the surface. A decade of my life misspent on someone who never really appreciated me, someone that never communicated with me, someone that never stood up for me, someone that called me names in front of people and even hit me, someone that cheated on me twice and laughed in my face when I cried about it, someone that assaulted me and then called the cops and told them (and her new significant other) that I attacked her.

I spent a great deal of time understanding where she was coming from. I checked out and didn’t show a lot of attentiveness due to her jealousy and forcing my isolation.

But there’s no real excuse for how she lied to me, about me, and how she treated me like I didn’t sacrifice almost everything over a span of a decade.

Sorry. Decided to vent. I’m making a therapy appointment today. I don’t think it’s normal to be this angry and sad at this point. It’s just so bizarre how someone can be like she is now. As if I meant nothing all along….