Are you willing to have an open conversation with your ex?

Very Good question – and one I need help with myself.

I went through two major breakups with my ex. We dated 2.5 years. We lived together for 1.5 years and broke up when he took a job in another state. I accepted the breakup and kept to myself, did not contact him. Within 60 days, he contacted me and said that he missed me and thought about me all the time. I agreed to meet with him and to then be friends with him – with no benefits. [although he tried and he made mention many times] Our prior relationship had good points and very bad points. He had personal issues which I felt he needed counseling for. The breakup was a mutual agreement. I started complaining about a lot. Instead of working to fix the issues, he said let’s just agreed to break up. Prior to this, we would talk and work out issues. Issues – his words did not match is actions. Later I found out that he was cheating a lot, constantly. Every time I would raise the issue, he would say I was being insecure.
After the first breakup and we worked on the friendship, six months later, he asked me to move to the State he lived in now. It turned out that I needed to move from the house we lived in together. For the prior 6 months, I spent a lot of time driving back and forth to the State to spend time with my friend. We were friends before we dated.
The stress on the relationship was that I am older by him by more than 10 years. Also he developed a really bad substance abuse problem. (I don’t do any of that in any way) Last, he developed a sex addiction problem.
Later, I learned the issues he has are related to him having an emeshed mother. He also showed signs of narcissism / sociopathic. [when I read the check list of possible signs].
After moving to the same state, we started getting physical. He worked hard to develop a relationship again. Once we started, he became apparently better at working on the relationship. However, his mother came to town on his birthday – she has refused to meet me. So he spent the birthday between the two of us – which was odd. But his mother also brought with her two young ladies to introduce to him. He complained to me, yet did spend time with his mom [which I understood]. Two weeks later, he flew home to see his mom using the excuse that his grandmother was sick. However, when he was there, he never saw the grandmother. However, a fight broke out at his mother’s house because apparently he didn’t cooperate at meeting women his mother set up for him. He did mention that his mother was setting up a meeting for him, blind dates when he left to fly to see her. When he returned and started giving highlights, he described the scenario where there were two and three women – each family member had a woman for him to meet. He said he told his mom that he could have “15 babies” with one of the women. I listened to the rest of the highlights but my feelings were hurt. Later that day, I told him my feelings and broke-up with him. I felt he gave the word that he was considering options and everyone agreed to introduce him to a woman. We were only three months back together. I felt he should have not encouraged this blind date arrangements to go on if he was indeed committed to building the relationship. Also at that time, I found out I was pregnant. He used all of this to run away. He accepted the “breakup” and told friends that he was cutting me out of his life … and did. He refused my calls. He didn’t respond to texts. He went on serial dates with lots of women…friends would make comments. I didn’t know anyone in the state other than him and had to come to my own center. Also we started setting up a business – he said he didn’t care about the business.
The initial weeks I did everything wrong. I second guessed the reason I broke it off with him. I tried to sit and talk with him to no avail. He told friends stories about me. …It was just awful. I finally was able to implement No-Contact and did not contact him for 3 months. He never called to see how the pregnancy was going. He told friends that he would just be there when the baby is born and would take a dna test. I said that I would not contact him if I had the baby and he did not check on me beforehand.
I miscarried the baby at 4 months. I stayed with family for 3 months and then returned home. I didn’t tell anyone outside of family about the miscarriage. During the 3 months, I focused on ME. I built the business to a solid path, found an investor and created a multimillion business opportunity. I started posting pictures on Social media and received 200, 300 + responses to the photos. I accepted the breakup and found peace. My goal was to launch the business and become financial independent, travel the world – live the dream he and I talked about.
He is a son of a major celebrity and is in the entertainment industry. He worked a little at his job and created a small tour – which could be seen on social media as well.
All was well until last week – 5 months after we broke up and last communications. I posted a photo of my assistant’s baby [8 months old]. Within 3 hours of posting on social media, I received a call on FB. [He changed his phone number, moved apartments, and re-started his FB account did not invite me to be his friend but I noticed he restarted his social media accounts] He sent me a message and tried to call me on FB at 4am. I waited 24 hours to respond – wanting to think.
I also have been making a bit of noise about the business. We are having a very public launch of a new media channel. My head has been clear and have been getting a lot done with new employees…
I responded that I could not communicate with him right now, that I had a launch coming up. I wished him well. Then two days later, I tried to explain the comment better. I told him that I appreciated that he reached out to me and that I looked forward to sitting and talking with him but that I was working on launch of the company in 40 days. I also noted that I was continuing with the dreams we had but that I could not sit and talk with him.. that I found peace with the breakup and wished him peace.
He never responded.
I had to think about my intentions and hopes and what was in my heart. It took me months to get him out of my system. I didn’t want to run back to him. Also the relationship was not very great – yet I missed him. I read a lot about relationships with narcissists and felt that I experienced a lot of that.
Right now, I want to launch a successful company. My hope is to rebuild a friendship with him. 5 months ago, I didn’t think we would ever talk .. or at least not before 2 years have gone by. I am happy he called. I want to talk with him but I need to keep on a course of success for me. I want to be able to evaluate where he really is without my emotions getting in the way. I also don’t want to make him feel rejected yet I want to build this correctly. If therapy is needed, I want to build enough influence and desire that he would take the steps if needed. ..assuming he cares about himself.
Suggestions? Thoughts? Advice?
Oh – and thank you .. every time I had a weak moment, I would read the stories of others and the advice of NO Contact, NO Contact … It was hard, but I did it. Then I understood the reason for it. Now I am afraid to Contact . Help.