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So, I am laying in bed. I thought I was fine with the breakup – not fine but just well, I know it was the right decision.
Isn’t it strange though that he hasn’t contacted me once? We were engaged at one point – we were one another’s entire lives. We literally spent all of our time together and we were very serious in our faith at our church – and in our community. We did holiday cards with photos of us for goodness sake.
He has not contacted me once.
I am stubborn and I am not calling him even though it’s the end of NC. My dad died and the fact that he can’t reach out is getting beyond selfish (sorry, if his family member died that he was super close with, I would have called to see how he is doing).
I am really surprised. I was laying here tonight and just got tears in my eyes b/c it’s all so strange – we ended in a horrid fight. And boom, that was it. It makes me wonder if there is someone else. We have no mutual friends and he is no longer going to my church so I wouldn’t know anyway.
I’d love someone to comment on this.
Hi. I know you are confused and I know the path doesn’t seem clear. But just take a second and evaluate your situation. You said you were fine and good with the break up but now it is getting to you. Think, did you put up your defenses and make up a lie to yourself that you were fine? Or were you truly done with it and ready to move on? Let your actions reflect what you really feel.
I’m sorry to hear about your father. I know that losing him is hard. and the fact that he didn’t contact you isn’t bad. He may have just felt that contacting you would only make things worse seeing as you hadn’t talked to him in so long. Maybe he was just afraid.
You say it all ended in a horrid fight. One of the worst killers of relationships. Maybe he is still hurting from that, or maybe he is lying to himself. Either way, you should reach out and talk to him. Mention the things that have happened recently in your life and base what you do next on his responses and actions. Don’t be cold hearted if he doesn’t show remorse. That will only distance you two farther. He may still be afraid to open up to you.
You have to give him a cushion to fall on. That way he will be more relaxed talking to you. Don’t be to straight forward either, just keep it casual. Play off of what he gives you. Then make your decisions based on that. Love is a strategy game, play your cards right and you can accomplish anything. Contact him and let me know what happens, what is said, and how he reacts. Then maybe we can get into your gameplan. Have hope. And overall have forgiveness. If you are religious as you say then that should be a given. I’m a very religious oriented person. So I understand. Keep your head up and devise a plan. Find out whats going on with him. Somebody has to give in and communicate, and if it’s worth having him back, you will reach out first regardless of the situation. God Bless.
Wow, this advice sounds close to professional – well done (0: I am a writer (that’s what I do for a living) and you should consider writing.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. And thank you for the well thought out advice. I never took into consideration why he might not have reached out to me about my dad other than ‘what a jerk’.
Here is why I am hesitant to reach out to him and why friends/family are strongly urging me not to: He was verbally abusive and manipulative during arguments. When I would cry during an argument, he would look me straight in the eyes and say ‘I want you to know that I have no sympathy for you’. He said that often. When I would speak over him – interrupt him over the phone – he would often block me from his phone number as punishment until he was ready to talk to me again – so I would have to basically wait until he was ready and then apologize for interrupting.
What was royally confusing is that he was beyond sweet and caring when things were going ‘well’. I have a health condition and he was always so patient and sweet about helping me if I needed it. We spent a considerable amount of time in the hospital and he would never complain – always be by my side – etc.
If you crossed him though, he was vicious. I wasn’t afraid of him – he never raised a hand to me but he was verbally cruel. And I would then be verbally mean too.
Finally, when I met him, he had a google number that he used as a second phone number then his cell phone. He said he used it for dating other girls but when he met me, he got rid of it. Well cut to the end of our relationship, a couple of years later, and come to find he kept it and had it the entire time.
He said it was ‘laying dormant’ the entire time and he never used it but as Kevin on this site said “that is kind of a big deal” and Kevin suggested I think about if I can even trust this guy.
So, that’s the side of the relationship I haven’t mentioned but the side that resulted me leaving the relationship.
Hey lynnwrigley,
I’m sorry to hear he hasn’t reached out yet, but danielmc did make a lot of sense. He might just be too hesitant to contact you or reach out about your dad because he doesn’t want to remind you of the pain.And honestly I don’t understand why people will still love someone or want someone so much after doing horrible things to them. (I am one of those people.) I honestly don’t have much advice for you other than maybe trying to contact him start it off slow. If you don’t think you’re ready wait a couple more weeks.
Good luck!I don’t understand it either Leslie. It’s all complicated and it’s love – so I guess that is why it’s all so damn confusing.
Thank you for your feedback. I cannot talk to friends about this anymore b/c they hate him now (and we are all older – mature – most of my friends with families and children). It’s embarrassing.
Bottom line, my heart is still on the mend.
I am going to wait a bit longer and then contact him.
Thanks again so much for both of you weighing in with actually sound advice. It’s appreciated.
Of course you’ve given me your best advice that’s stayed with me and impacted me. (I just need to learn how to use it) haha.
And trust me I know. My friends and family are probably so sick of hearing about my ex or my heartbreak but I still feel to need to vent.ha – I wish I would take my own advice. It’s so easy to give it vs. take it. Oy vey……we will get through this! I hope you are doing ok. I am going to jump offline and redirect my head. I still think about him 30x a day and don’t want to hear the ‘wrath’ of friends if I talk to him. I can hear it now ‘What’?!!! haha – they just love me though and want me to be happy.
Well take good care girlie!
Thank you, I try to be as well written as possible. I love to write and would love to do it as a hobby but I wouldn’t even know how to get started. Anyways, let us move on to your situation.
It seems to me, from what you say about his anger and the lashing out at you, that he may have some sort of anger problem. Or at least is constantly troubled by something that makes him stubborn when angered. Likely he doesn’t mean much of what he says. I’m similar in a way, if something came across to me the wrong way it built up inside of me and I let my pride overcome me. Even the stupidest little things. That is one of the biggest factors that I feel led to the downfall of my relationship. I was never an angry person but some things just lit a little fuse inside of me at times. I’m much better than that now, and I’m hoping that it will allow me to get my relationship back. But if he let his pride overwhelm him then as a guy it can be hard to come down from that. Sometimes going as far as to hurt the ones that we love, then immediately regretting it but not having the words to right the wrong. Thus, making you compensate by being extra kind when the situation has settled. It gives one a safe feeling as if what you did is no longer relevant. But even if you don’t think so, it can do long lasting damage to a relationship.
I was never abusive physically or verbally, I just let my silly temper and pride get in the way of the big picture at times. The same could go for him. But if you feel that it won’t get any better, then you would be trying to get back into an unhealthy relationship. He HAS to make a point to change or you shouldn’t even give him the time of day. Don’t shed a tear, don’t bring yourself down. But if he would change for you and become a better person just for you, and you really love him, fight for that relationship until it is fixed.
As for the extra phone number. That would make me feel sketchy and uncomfortable. As if he wanted a back up plan if you two didn’t work out. Or maybe he honestly meant no harm by still having it. There is no way to tell without digging deeper. If you two end up getting back together then that MUST go. If he deletes it and keeps it deleted then you know he is 100% focused on you and only you. Him getting rid of the extra phone number for good could be your sign that he has changed and wants only you in his life. If he does that along with treating you much better then I would say you two are on the right track.
I know a lot of what I say is for further down the road but just keep it in mind. For right now just be you and be successful in your life. Only contact him when you feel ready. And if the situation goes south then back up, take a breath, don’t lose your composure, and wait a little longer. Like I said previously, play off of what he gives you and use it to your advantage. Keep us updated too. I would love to hear of good things happening for you.
I am 100% taking your advice and it’s the exact SAME advice that my Pastor’s wife gave me about the google number – literally exactly the same.
THANK YOU!!!
And yes, he does have an anger problem. He needs to nip that. I honestly need to be with someone who is even tempered. It’s the one trait that women really will leave for – anger. Who wants to walk on eggshells with the person they adore.
The truth is, I don’t think he can curb the anger – maybe but his dad was angry too when he was young. Anyway, the truth is? I think I just hate the pain of the break-up b/c if I had someone who was sweet, even tempered and caring around, I prob. wouldn’t be wanting him back. It’s a sad truth.
I just think that break-ups are so hard – this feels like a divorce or a death b/c of the way it ended. I almost wish I could talk to another ex of his to see if she went through the same thing but I would never do that….meaning I would never call an ex of his.
Well thanks for all of your feedback – advice- thoughts – insights. It helped me more than you will prob. ever know.
still no contact. It doesn’t matter that’s it is over. The truth is, it’s just a weird – really bizarre – feeling to literally not talk to the man you were in love with – even if it wasn’t the perfect relationship. It’s now going on close to 40 days.
Yes, maybe you should just focus on other stuff, delete everything related to him. Its soooo bad. He wasn’t there for you when you most needed, I know it s terrible to hear that, but he does not deserve you. Don’t talk to him or anything just follow your life. Im sure you area pretty person, and you will find someone who really cares about you. And Im sorry for your loss. I really want you to be happy, I am proud you haven’t contacted him this whole time… Do you stalk his social media?
Would you mind reading my story?
Thank you for the condolences. I appreciate it. I will not contact him – I haven’t yet and I won’t. I just find it overwhelming to spend close to three years, be engaged, literally do everything together and then never speak again….ever. It’s very strange.
No, I blocked him on social media the day I ended it. I have no interest in stalking his social media.
I think my point is that if one of his parents died (he did come to my dad’s funeral – we broke up several days later..officially). Regardless, if one of his parents died that I knew he was really close with? I would 100% call him up and something like ‘Hey, I know we are going through a lot right now with our breakup and I know we need time to ourselves but I wanted to know how you are doing. And I wanted to tell you that I am praying for you regardless of what happened between us. I hope you are ok’.
I would say all of that b/c I am good person and well, considerate.
Thanks for your feedback. Yeah, I will go read your thread. Which one is it?
Hi Lynn
I’m in midst of one of these breakup and I understand how we need someone to talk to sometimes.
I think as pointed out many times, the focus of the NC rules is for is to find ourselves. Sometimes we can get too emotionally attached to someone or a feeling. The NC period allows us to think through whether the relationship is what we want.
Different people reacts to NC differently. My first BF, we used 4-mth breaking up, mostly with me going back to beg him. Same thing, I went to his grandmother’s wake while he totally skipped mine. After 4mth, I gave up. NC happened because my heart went dead. And when I randomly msged him asking him for an address of an eatery weeks later, he asked if I’m on a date. Eventually he asked, “is it too late?”, to which I answered “yes”. I’ve never been more thankful to have ended that relationship.
So babe, only you will know. You have been through 1month plus of NC. I hope you’ve made some positive changes to your life. At your most confident peak, write a note to yourself, you’ll find your answer in that letter. And when u slip into a low, read that letter again.
Cheers!
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